Chapter 7

Behind the Shadow: Merlin

"I blame myself," said Gaius softly, looking down at his cup of tea. He sat next to Merlin, who was lying on Gaius' bed, resting for a bit. Since it was more comfortable than his own narrow cot, Gaius had convinced him to rest there for a while before his mentor claimed it back again. It was a ruse, and Merlin knew it, but he loved the old man and let him have his way.

"I knew your injury was tormenting Arthur, but I had not enough time...I had thought he was handling this, but now I see I was mistaken. This plan can only end in disaster."

"Gaius, " replied the young man, sighing as he shifted, to look more closely at his companion. " His reasoning is impeccable. The plan is mad, but then so is Morgana." The irony fell flat. "She is no longer the girl we loved. She is no longer ... the woman she might have been."

Gaius gave him a jaundiced look from beneath his flaring eye brow. He silently lifted the spoon and stirred his tea a bit more.

"No." The physician spoke softly, with more regret than Merlin thought possible. "No, she is no longer our Morgana."

"Arthur is right. She will not be able to resist the spectacle; she can't miss the opportunity of tormenting him at a funeral. It will draw her like a magnet, Gaius. Surprise is on our side."

"And how will you protect the people of Camelot from your pyrotechnics and explosions. Spells are notoriously indifferent to the innocent."

But Merlin had already visited that particular thought. He described a warding he would put in place to be triggered by Morgana's arrival, leaving Merlin in a circle of magic with the witch. Using the remnants of the corn doll he had used to block Morgana's magic only a few weeks before, he would set a shield to rise, using the magical connection to the priestess' own energy. It would contain the energy of their spells. Trying to destroy the shield would only weaken her. Gaius was duly impressed with Merlin's ingenuity and insight is setting that type of spell. He was in fact a bit flummoxed.

Gaius shook his head. "You think of everything, my boy" he retorted a bit testily at the end of Merlin's recitation. "except the danger to yourself."

The boy looked down in shame when he heard that. "Please Gaius!"

"Please, yourself," said the old man suddenly, with a vigor and a venom that shocked the warlock. "You nearly died Merlin! I couldn't treat you. I was virtually helpless. You were dying of that damned burning spell, and only Alice was able to pull you back. That was only a day ago. Have you totally lost leave of your senses. You and Arthur as well! One madman leading another!" He got up and walked away, finally coming to a stop by the window. It took him a moment to catch his breath.

"I'm sorry,Merlin." Gaius voice was soft, but firm, as if he had more to say, but his ward interrupted him.

"No, Gaius, I'm sorry," he offered contritely. Merlin saw the strain eating at his mentor. The last two days had been a hell of rare proportions. He remembered Gaius' voice during the long, terrible time he had struggled under the spell. He could not respond, as he could to Arthur, but the pain in his mentor's voice had been a measure of the seriousness of his injury. It had been bad, very bad. Gaius' professional calm, so deeply ingrained, did not mean that his heart was immune to the torture of seeing the people he loved brought to the edge of oblivion.

"You are barely able to move and here you are planning a full scale battle with Morgana."

"The threat is to Camelot, Gaius," he began passionately, but being honest Merlin didn't know what to say, at the bitter look that the physician gave him. In the face of the pain he had already caused, Arthur's plan did indeed reek of danger and improbability. "Arthur believes it will be best to strike now. Morgana will not suspect an attack. We might win peace for Camelot with this one bold move."

The old man did not reply, and the younger man eased to the edge of the bed. He tried to get up, but the bed was softer than he was used to, and he could not gain enough purchase to stand with his limited strength. He sank back frustrated and panting, but focused on convincing Gaius.

"Stay where you are, Merlin," Gaius said wearily. Heading back to the table where the icy elixir of Alice's still sat. Merlin realized that he had done nothing to help his case. Wordlessly, his mentor handed him the vial of liquid and the young warlock downed it in a single grateful gulp.

Gaius sat back down across from him. He patted the boy softly on the shoulder.

"Forgive me, Merlin, I am an old man, and I am prey to an old man's fears. I understand the need. It's just sometimes..."

Merlin, for once, did not reason. He did what he had wanted to do since he heard Gaius' voice in his ear, as he struggled, immobile in his agony. He threw himself into Gaius' arms with an abandon, with the love and relief of a child who believes it has escaped some dark terror of the night. He hugged Gaius ever tighter, and feeling the physician wrap his arms around him, the trembling in his spirit finally stilled. "I'm so sorry," the dark haired boy said at last, muffled by Gaius' shoulder. "I'm sorry, so sorry." For his part, the old physician held the boy close and was not able to speak and if ever there was ever a paean of gratitude, it was the strength and comfort in that embrace.

At last, the old man drew apart, trying his best to quietly wipe the tears from his eyes, as he urged Merlin to lie down again.

When at last, Merlin calmed somewhat,he realized that Gaius was looking at him with solemn eyes, that indicated that he had more to say. This couldn't be good.

"Arthur knows of your magic now, Merlin. He has accepted you in a way I could hardly have imagined. A tragedy, a brush with death can sometimes make us look at situations differently. I believe his attitude to magic has undergone a radical change but I'm not sure what he is thinking. His confidence in magic may be more fragile than we think. He does not know your part in Morgana's vendetta, nor other ... things... that have happened. He does not know about Emrys." He paused to search Merlin's eyes again, and the warlock tried to meet his mentor's gaze steadily, but the world was starting to blur around him. "This is dangerous territory, my boy."

"He knows he trusts me Gaius, and that means more to me than my own life."

"That's what worries me," said the physician as he blew out the candle.

There had been more in Alice's draught than he had thought, mused Merlin, as he his head spun and he closed his eyes to make it stop. Gaius had tricked him into sleep again. For a moment, he suspected that Gaius wanted him out of the way for some reason, but then he concluded the gesture was kindly meant. He was past exhaustion. Part of him knew rest was essential to the battle ahead. But lies of omission can be crueler than outright falsehoods, and Merlin was haunted by Arthur's trust in him. His heart could not rest, though his body was heading into sleep. Merlin drifted away though he fought it every step of the way, relaxing finally when the steady conduit of his magic eased his body against his will, and his heart sank into dark and bloody dreams.