"It's not working," she spoke quickly into her phone.
"Keep trying, Mac. You need to relax."
"I have been trying everything, Jim. The list you gave me, I did everything on it."
"Okay," he sighed. It was the middle of the night and he was beyond tired. "What's the first thing on the list?"
"First thing... It says to take deep breaths."
"Take some deep breaths with me." He imitated taking deep breaths loudly so she could hear on the phone.
"I can't breathe deeply," she panicked.
"What's on your mind? Why are you having panic attacks this bad in the middle of the night?"
Mackenzie was quiet. "I'm just worried that he will leave again."
"This is a conversation you should have with Will."
"It's the middle of the night. Besides you made me the list."
"Call him Mac." Jim hung up the phone.
Mackenzie closed her eyes tight. The last thing she really wanted to do was call Will during a panic attack.
She waited another half hour trying to get herself together. Nothing was working. And she knew that talking to Will would help. But just the idea of talking to him was enough to send her into another panicked frenzy.
"Hey Mac," he answered after the first ring. "It's late, you should be sleeping."
"I can't." She meant for it to come out at a normal volume, but it ended up coming out as a whisper.
"What's wrong?" His voice was softer.
"I'm just," Mackenzie tried to clear her throat and take a deep breath. "I'm having a panic attack."
There. She said it. The line fell silent.
"You have your list?" Will was trying to figure out how best to help her over the phone.
"I've tried everything on it."
"Okay." Will thought for a moment. He wasn't sure what was on this list, but he knew that it existed. Mackenzie wasn't prone to panic attacks, but now and then she fell victim.
"It was stupid that I called you," she stammered quickly. "I'm gonna go... Clean or something."
Just as quick as she dialed, she had hung up. Will was confused. He decided that a 13 minute cab ride was bearable to make sure she was okay.
Mackenzie decided to go over the list again until something worked. Number 5 on the list was the last one and the most difficult to achieve.
She was focusing on her breathing. She had moved around the room, trying multiple spots to see if one worked better than another. This time she settled on laying down in the middle of the living room. It had been close to 5 minute in this position when there was a soft knock on the door.
She lifted her head to look at the door, curious as to who would come over at
this hour. She sighed, irritated that this step on the list was being interrupted and more importantly that it wasn't working.
"Will?" She looks surprised.
"I came to see you." Will stated.
"You didn't have too."
"I know," he took in her disheveled look. "I just wanted to make sure you are okay."
"I've gone over the list twice and it's not working." Mackenzie looked down.
"Let's see if I can help you with this list?" He walked in, placing his jacket on the couch.
"I can't show you the list." Mackenzie fidgeted.
"Mac, it's late. Just show me and I'll help you out as much as I can."
"Will," she sighs clutching the list in her fist tighter. "It's okay, I'm okay." She tries to take a breath.
"Let me see it Kenzie." He places his hands over her shaky ones and gently pulls the list out of her hands. He looks over it once and then back up at her.
"I said I would be fine." She moved to sit on the bar stool in her kitchen that backed up to her living room.
"Is this for real?" Will held up the list. From her position, she can make out the numbers and she can vaguely recall the descriptions next to them.
"Jim help me create it when we were in the war. Sometimes I would have these attacks and he wasn't always around to coach me through them."
"But number 5," he pointed. "It just has my name."
"I had a short recording from one of your broadcasts that I could listen to. And sometimes just hearing your voice put me at ease."
Will smiled, his heart warming for Mackenzie. He had been treating her like crap or so long, and every time she hit a wall, she listened to his voice to calm down.
"Kenz," he moved towards her with his arms open wide.
"Please Will." She held up a hand to stop him. "I can't hug right now."
"Right." Will remembered. "Walk me through what's happening?"
"I, um," Mackenzie seemed to try to take a deep breath. "So my chest feels like I have a huge heavy weight on it and I can't take a deep enough breath. But then I always panic and start to breath quicker, and I end up hyperventilating."
"Let's go sit in the coach or the bed? Where would you feel more comfortable?"
"Laying in bed." She says quietly.
"Okay," he helps her off the stool and follows her into her bedroom. "Do you have any books or magazines?"
She points to a bookshelf and Will grabs the first book he sees. "If this is weird-"
"Mac, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."
"Okay." She closes her eyes and tries to do the breathing exercises from before.
"Just relax." He whispers in her ear. He's laying next to her now. But he is on top of the blankets and she is tucked tightly under the comforter.
"I'm trying." She responds. And she can feel his fingers on her wrist, checking her pulse. She can feel her eyes get hot and she squeezed them tighter to avoid the crying. But they escape and quietly roll down the side of her face.
"Shhhh," he wipes her eyes. "Don't get more upset. That'll make things worse." He lightly chuckles.
"I just didn't think you'd ever see this list."
"Nothing to be embarrassed about."
"Still," she was starting to get her breathing normal.
"You want to talk about what is getting you so upset?"
"It's you," she said quietly. "That's why Jim made me call you."
"I'm giving you panic attacks? Why am I also on the list then?"
"I'm just so terrified of losing you. After all this crap with Genoa. I don't want to come in one morning and you are gone, or Charlie tells me that you left, or that..." She started to breath erratically again.
"Hey, okay," he moved closer to her, pulled her into his chest where she started to cry. "You aren't ever going to lose me."
"No?" She looked up at his face.
"Never." He smiled.
"Promise me?"
"I promise." He kissed her forehead. "Let's start this book so you can get some sleep. My voice will get you to relax, right?"
She nodded sheepishly. "Or you could just turn on tonight's news segment. That's how I usually fall asleep."
"That sounds like a better idea. Entertainment for me, comfort for you." He smiled, flicked on the tv and got comfortable on the bed with his arm around her.