A Day in the Life: Ichiryuu
06:00 – Wake up. Everything suspiciously silent. Take time to stretch, consider having cup of tea
06:03 – Screaming begins. Sprint down hallway to be sure no one is actually being murdered
06:09 – Remove Zebra from on top of Sunny. Confiscate craft scissors from Zebra. Make sure Sunny's hair is okay. Sternly reprimand them for fighting
06:10 – Be loudly informed that Zebra is a 'doo-doo head' and Sunny is a 'frilly princess.' Send both to time out. Continue on towards kitchen to have cup of tea
06:20 – Have a minor heart attack when Toriko launches himself from on top of fridge like a rabid, blue-haired demon. Manage to catch him. Sternly reprimand him for climbing on furniture, send him to join Sunny in time out
06:25 – Screaming begins again. Take kettle off stove, sprint down hallway to be sure that there is still no murdering being done
06:28 – Wonder where Toriko was hiding the mayonnaise. Wondering how he managed to coat Sunny from head to toe in the space of 8 minutes. Curse his ingenuity. Have to utter phrase never before constructed in any language: "Toriko, for the love of god, stop spreading mayonnaise on your brother."
06:29 – Consider having a stiff drink instead of tea.
06:30 – Leave Toriko in time out. Take hysterical Sunny to the bathroom to wash him off.
06:45 – Discover that the stench of mayonnaise is not easily removed. Douse Sunny in strong smelling cologne; assure him it will repel Toriko. Immediately regret choice of words. With some trepidation, send maniacally cackling Sunny to go get dressed.
07:00 – Screaming begins again. More sprinting. Still no tea
07:05 – Discover sprinting is difficult when one is gagging on cologne fumes.
07:06 – Discover that Sunny poured the entire bottle of cologne over Toriko's head. Wonder how he smuggled it out of bathroom. Curse his ingenuity. Gag some more. Carry crying Toriko to bathroom to wash him off; leave Sunny in time out.
07:10 – Discover cologne doesn't wash off very well. Retrieve tomato juice from kitchen, pray cologne is like skunk spray.
07:45 – Day is full of discoveries. Tomato juice does not neutralize the smell; turned Toriko's hair purple. Toriko still crying; cannot tell if not getting enough air, or if tomato juice just turned his face red.
08:10 – Toriko finally deodorized. Smells like tomatoes and mayonnaise. Praise his ingenuity. Accompany him to the bedroom as he gets dressed; send Sunny to the kitchen to eat breakfast
08:15 – Everything too quiet. Worry.
08:20 – Smell smoke. Screaming begins again. Pick up mostly dressed purple Toriko and sprint to kitchen.
08:23 – Discover pan on fire, hysterical Sunny climbing out a window. Put out fire. Retrieve Sunny. Demand explanation. Insists that it is 'not his fault' and he 'only wanted eggs.'
08:24 – Explain that shells must come off before eggs are placed in pan. Deposit Sunny on opposite side of kitchen table from Toriko. Wash pan. Make eggs properly. Still no tea in sight.
08:45 – Explain to Toriko that silverware is not optional, and eggs are not finger food. Provide ketchup when asked.
08:49 – Regret everything. Wonder why Toriko is so obsessed with condiments. Wonder how two tablespoons of ketchup can be smeared across the entirety of an eight year old's chest. Curse his ingenuity. Question his motives.
08:53 – Informed that he is 'glorying in his triumph over eggs.' Try not to laugh. Fail. Make hasty exit from room to avoid encouraging little purple-haired demon.
09:00 – Clean Toriko up. Praise Sunny heavily for eating his eggs like normal human being.
09:01 – Struck with chilling thought. Coco has yet to appear. Have not seen Zebra since 06:10. Heart seized with sudden terror. Lack of tea must be slowing brain function.
09:02 – Screaming. This time laughter from clearly adult voices follow. Coco's voice asserts loudly, "I predict we've only got ten minutes!" Sprint down hallway with one child under each arm. Directed down hallway by laughing staff.
09:15 –Led on merry chase through building by tiny nudists. Wonder how they figured out the air duct system. Make mental note to have all vents welded to walls.
09:17 – Recapture extremely naked children. Set Toriko and sunny down to pick up Coco and Zebra. Demand explanation en route to bedroom to retrieve clothing. Toriko and Sunny follow, laughing hysterically. Toriko's laughter appears to encourage smirking Zebra. Scowl at all tiny menaces involved.
09:20 – No satisfactory explanation produced. Informed that it 'seemed like fun at the time,' and that Zebra 'heard about it on the radio.' Coco insists he only went along with terrible idea to show solidarity with his brother. Assume Zebra simply wanted to scandalize entire world with tiny naked buttocks. Curse concept of streaking. Forbid Zebra from listening to radio unsupervised.
09:21 – Inform Coco he does not count as supervision.
09:30 – Nude children successfully clothed. Offer breakfast. Toriko brightens. Insist that the offer does not extend to him; he already ate. Toriko looks as if he might cry. Must stand firm.
09:31 – Unable to resist quivering lower lip. Agree to give Toriko a muffin if he swears not to smear it on himself or siblings. Curse tiny child's cuteness.
09:45 – All children successfully corralled into kitchen. Reminded of herding cats. Tea may become object of epic quest.
10:00 – Food provided. Demand that Zebra chew his food. Praise Coco for eating like civilized human being. Turn around in time to see Toriko unhinge his jaw to stuff entire muffin into mouth. Suffer minor heart-attack.
10:03 – Discover that Toriko 'does this all the time,' and according to Coco 'almost never chokes.' Watch in horrified fascination as entire muffin goes down gullet. Consider abandoning pipe dream of tea. Contemplate chugging bottle of Maalox.
10:10 – Turned back for 30 seconds. Screaming begins. Turn back around to discover Toriko vigorously prodding Sunny with fork and Zebra eating entire stick of butter from butter tray. Inform Sunny that "He wouldn't stop forking me!" is not the appropriate way to express what happened. Reprimands for everyone.
10:11 – Remember there were two sticks of butter on tray. Become concerned for the state of Zebra's bowels.
10:15 – Rest of breakfast successfully completed. Kitchen table disaster area. Zebra and Toriko filthy. Butter in places better not contemplated. Pray for patience. And tea.
10:20 – Send children outside to play in designated area. Attempt to clean mess. Fail. Call for aid.
10:28 – Chief Mansam resentful about being assigned cleaning duty. Entice him with promise of alcohol in the near future of he manages to get table clean. Mansam seems dubious.
10:31 – Everything quiet. Contemplate making tea. Decide everything is too quiet. Go check on children instead.
10:45 – Children discovered up to their necks in mud. Wonder what sick bastard decided to leave a hose attached to the spigot. Sunny appears too horrified to scream, while others are happily playing with mud.
10:46 – Toriko offers me 'mud pie' with live worm on top. Insists he made it for me. Heart melts a little. Accept mud pie.
10:47 – Accepting mud pie was strategic error. Covered in muddy, enthusiastic children. Barely escape with life. Try not to give into melodrama. Go retrieve hose.
10:50 – Day of discovery continues. Learn chasing tiny, agile children with hose is excessively difficult. Only manage to hose down youngest of 4; Sunny seemed appreciative. Wonder when he'll finally regain ability to scream. Making incoherent squeaking sounds instead.
10:51 – Sunny able to scream again. Wonder where he learned those words. Wonder if he knows what they mean. Vow to have serious talk with Mansam about not swearing in front of children. Sternly reprimand Sunny. Send him inside to time out.
11:20 – Finally caught remaining three. Hose them down despite protests. Toriko's hair no longer purple; sort of muddy blue-green. Wonder what was in mud. Decide it's better not to know. Carry all three inside.
11:25 – No sign of Mansam. Kitchen still a mess. Table appears suspiciously dented and scarred. Make mental note to add table-damage to serious things to be discussed with Mansam.
11:26 – Wonder when dented tables and swearing children became deeply concerning issues. Wish for tea.
11:30 – All children cranky. Cranky myself. Suggest naps for everyone. Howling protests ensue.
11:33 – Intimidation aura useful for subduing children. Feel like bad father anyway. Apologize to them where they're hiding under Zebra's bed. Attempt to coax them out with promises of sweets.
11:38 – Discover Zebra still hoards food. Three boxes of stale cookies removed from under bed along with four unhappy children. Put children to bed. Dispose of cookies.
11:40 – Am told by Coco there were four boxes; believe Zebra and Toriko ate entire final box before being extracted from under bed. Cardboard included. Pray for sweet relief of death. Decide entire bottle of Maalox is my only option.Express concern for their bowels. Admonish Toriko to stop eating non-food items. Tuck everyone in.
11:50 – Children asleep. Contemplate going back to bed. Reject idea as ludicrous; screaming will begin again soon. Attempt to make tea instead.
11:55 – Tea remains unmade. Attempt interrupted by phone call from Jirou. Brother expresses interest in bringing his grandson Teppei over to visit. Put the kibosh on that idea. Four little monsters is bad enough.
11:56 – Unable to resist quivering lower lip. Teppei upset too. Curse lack of will power.
11:57 – Relent, agree that they can come over. Am told they will be here at twelve; realize that bastard Jirou knew I would give in. Hang up phone. Begin to accept that tea is an impossible dream.