Chapter 2 – Denial does not beget the truth

Thorin shook Kili awake for the third time, harder this time as he finally allowed his frustrated growl to stutter his words. The boy could sleep through a dragon attack if he was allowed.

"Kili! Wake up, boy."

His belief in Kili's ability to sleep through anything was due mostly to having Fili constantly at his side. His brother served as his own personal bodyguard against everything from taunters who made fun of his fairness, to their mother when she was looking for someone to blame for something Kili had usually been responsible for. And speaking of Fili...

"Kili, where's your brother?"

"Uncle? Why…why are you standing there? Fili's right here...or perhaps…not. He might have taken a walk as he did last night."

"Why would he take a walk when he knows we must depart?"

With a yawn that Thorin feared would swallow him up, Kili stretched his arms over his head. He set his sleepy gaze on Thorin with a tiny—obviously forced—smile. "I cannot presume to guess what's in Fili's mind, but if anyone might know his reasons it would be you."

Thorin lifted himself from his crouched position, crossing his arms over his chest as he retained his full height. "Do you wish to say something to me, sister-son?"

Kili smiled sweetly, all teeth and batty eyes. "No, Uncle. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go look for my brother." He bowed his head in respect, but not before Thorin saw the gleam in his eye.

He followed close behind Kili as he gathered up his cloak, coat, gloves and boots then headed out the door. When he'd found Fili missing from Kili 's side so early in the morning, it had struck a sour chord in Thorin's belly, and he had barely been able to wait for sunrise to question Kili.

He knew Fili wouldn't leave his brother behind under any circumstances, for any reason, but seeing the empty spot where he usually lay had been immediately worrisome. Perhaps sending them back to Ered Luin would have been the better idea after all. There would have been upset and bitterness, and it would have been a blow to the company's numbers, but Thorin didn't feel he had the extra patience or time to worry and fret after his nephews.

Of course, he was more than likely not being fair to Fili and Kili because the issue centered more around himself than them. Thorin was merely making excuses for the guilt he felt when he looked at Fili, the guilt he held in his own hands, and he knew it was his choice either to allow it to remain or to resolve it for himself. His biggest fear was that his steely determination would crumble under Fili's constant gaze and presence.

He was making his way down the tiny stone steps, watching his footsteps carefully since the hobbit's stairs were obviously not made for dwarven feet—though hobbits' feet were clearly almost as large. Kili's voice sounded out across the narrow road, and Thorin looked up in time to see him hug his brother tightly. Fili pushed him away with a snort then ruffled his hair with the endearing smile Thorin had grown to love and need during those months at Ered Luin. And by Mahal, despite his denial, he needed it still.

The brothers were standing in a field just across the path from Bilbo's house, sixteen freshly readied ponies surrounding them. Thorin stared in wonder, taking a moment to search the early morning scenery for other dwarves who may have helped Fili in his task. There was no one about—dwarf, hobbit or any other species.

The only disturbance in the freshness of the early morning was his nephews speaking hushed but insistent words. When they noticed him looking their way, they silenced their voices, turning to face him. They stood side-by-side arms crossed over their chests, heads held high in a very familiar stance. Fili appeared to be gazing off into the distance while Kili glared straight at Thorin with enormous intent. Thorin could see confrontation shadowing his dark eyes. Kili was generally a bundle of positive energy, but Thorin knew his youngest nephew well enough to sense a storm brewing within his easy demeanor.

Shifting his gaze away from the boys, he took in the sight of fourteen leather packs of different sizes or varieties lined up along the wooden fence. They all appeared filled to the brim, each one resting below their respective owners' ponies. Gandalf had seen to it that all the dwarves belongings were stowed away in a tiny shed to the side of Bilbo's house, and somehow Fili had accomplished the impossible in retrieving them all, then stocking them with the provisions Thorin had brought with him. There was also one for the burglar on the off chance he would be joining them. Gandalf, of course, had kept his own things with him in the house.

Thorin knew Fili neither expected nor essentially needed commendation for his task, but recognizing him would be the honorable thing for Thorin to do. The problem lay in his own worries that his praise would result in sounding overly appreciative, and hence, give Fili the wrong impression. It would, in all fairness, be the right impression, but not the one Thorin was so set upon maintaining and trying to force himself to uphold.

He feared the journey was going to entail far greater stress than a dragon, and possibly some orcs or goblins or hostile dwarves. It might be Fili who had due cause to be upset with Thorin, but it was Kili who would be the one to watch. When Thorin's youngest nephew got his teeth into something, he rarely let go, the bow and arrow being a perfect example. And Thorin knew since Fili was involved, Kili's juvenile outlook would fall by the wayside should his brother need his protection. He would always offer support both physical or emotional to Fili, even if the enemy appeared to be their own uncle and king.

When his nephews finally made their way to where Thorin stood between the small rows of blooming flowerpots, he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He stuffed a trembling hand into his pocket, searching the leather pouch for his pipe, but it came away empty. His other pocket was next, the result being the same. Before he had the chance to even curse, two fingers produced the object of his search in front of his face.

Fili's warm gaze blazed through Thorin, and he hesitated while his heart beat far too rapidly against his rib cage. How had he never noticed the calm beauty of his eldest nephew, and why now of all times, must he to yearn to be closer? Images flashed through his mind of Fili kissing him, touching him, moaning beneath him as they both sought their releases.

As in all things, Fili was a generous lover, and despite his years, had managed to teach Thorin a thing or two about the art of love. He'd shown Thorin that his desires did not have to be hastily quieted, that slow and gentle were not synonymous with weakness or submission. He'd never submitted to anyone, in anything, but there had been times over the eight months of being with Fili that the thought had slid into Thorin's mind. It had been a first for him to wish the control of a situation onto someone else, especially in something as important as his body and heart. But that very way of thinking was just a small part of how Fili wrapped himself around Thorin, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

A deep, concerned frown ghosted across Fili's face and Thorin suddenly realized he'd been staring in dumbfounded silence at him.

"Uncle?"

"Apologies. My mind wanders." Of course, he couldn't tell Fili where his thoughts had actually gone, despite his very soul aching to do so.

"Your pipe," Fili said as Thorin became aware that he'd missed part of the conversation. "I found it on the table this morning..." Fili ducked his head, brushing imaginary grass or dirt from his gloves while Thorin felt his own breath hitch in his throat. "I cleaned it out. Habit I suppose."

Kili joined them just as Fili finished speaking. He slapped Fili on the back hard enough to pull a groan from his throat, as well as a curse from his lips.

"You didn't clean mine out, brother. But there's still time if you feel the need." Kili smirked and Thorin recognized the mischievous little boy who hadn't been present only moments before when he'd been glaring daggers at him from across the field.

Fili's whole body language changed with Kili's presence. "You'll be waiting a long time for that to happen, lazy arse." His smile returned when he fixed his gaze on Kili, then gave him an adoring shove. "I think I've done my share for the morning while you were keeping everyone awake with your incessant snoring."

"At least I wake up on the good side of the bed, unlike my kin who are grumpy as goblins."

"Why don't you go make sure the others are up and ready to leave. It's time we departed." Thorin fought to keep his voice even. He was anxious to have Fili to himself for a moment—a poor decision in probability, but one he sought nonetheless.

Kili bowed with the bright, cheeky grin he was known for, then scurried into the house, making enough noise to wake the dead and anyone else in the vicinity. Thorin hoped the hobbit was a sound sleeper.

Thorin turned to Fili who was shifting from foot to foot and tugging on one of his longer braids. "You didn't have to do all the readying yourself. I never expected..."

Fili shrugged and didn't let Thorin continue. "I woke early, and my restlessness wouldn't allow me to stay still any longer. I thought I might as well make myself useful."

There was an empty silence between them, only broken up with Kili's shrill laughter from inside the house followed by a hearty grunt that unmistakably belonged to Dwalin. Thorin stepped a little closer to Fili, hand poised to touch him.

"Fili, I..."

With a bow of his head identical to his brother's, Fili cut off Thorin's words. "I'll go see to my brother. You know how irresponsible he can be if he has the opportunity to bat his eyes and get his own way."

He disappeared through the hobbit's door before Thorin had a chance to stop or even touch him. He'd thought long and hard all night long about Fili and the disappointment he'd caused him, even going as far as plotting ways to hold him at bay or try to be as formal as possible in their contact. And yet…he'd just tried to touch him during a single moment together.

Perhaps Fili did cause Thorin to feel the pull of finding his One, but even if that were the truth, it didn't change his mind about taking Fili for himself. Nor did his love make any more sense than it had the night before. It was impossible and improbable, and he refused to risk Fili's safety…and his freedom. Threats might not occur until they'd reached Erebor and reclaimed their lost home, but any threat at all was one too many on Fili's life.

If need be, Thorin could use Kili as a buffer between himself and Fili, since Kili already seemed to hold Thorin in lower regard at the moment. It was obviously a show of respect for his brother's honor, which was respectable in itself. Thorin couldn't blame him, but that didn't mean he was too proud to use him if he served to discourage Fili's involvement between them.

Thorin wasn't entirely sure that was the case, but if Kili's reaction to Thorin this morning was any indication, he was well on his way to disapproving of him breaking Fili's heart. And there were no sweet-spoken words or fluttering brown eyes in the world that could make him believe Kili didn't know exactly what had been going on.

The mere thought of losing Fili's love, and Kili's along with it, speared pain through Thorin's chest. His heart knew Fili would never stop loving him but that did not lessen the ache or fear. He needed to strike those thoughts from his mind, mount his pony and get on with what needed to be done, get on with the quest to reclaim the home most of his kin had never known.

He stepped through the door, moving from room to room while commanding his company to mount up. The dwarves moved quickly, gathering their things and straightening up Bilbo's home. Balin was the first one to set foot outside the door, the shake then single nod of his white head assuring Thorin that the contract had not been signed, but the house was in order as it should be.

As well as being his oldest companion, Thorin had always considered Balin to be his advisor in all things, yet he'd spoken not a word to him about Fili. He supposed he could blame it on the shame of being with his own nephew, but Balin was neither judgmental nor one to gossip, and blaming his neglect on a societal adversity was preposterous. Dwarven customs neither condoned nor encouraged inter-familial couplings.

There had been a phase in Thorin's life where he'd believed Balin might be his One, but nothing had ever come of their relationship since there had been no feelings or desires that swept through either one of them except friendship. It could have been easily mistaken because they'd spent so much time together, but in the end, they had always remained just dearest friends.

Thorin was ashamed for not sharing such important information with Balin. It certainly wasn't a trust issue, but perhaps more of a fear that with disclosure, also came explanation. He would have to review the situation outwardly rather than just inwardly, and he'd have to contend with more than just Fili.

He loved Fili in an all-consuming way, or at least if could have become all-consuming if he allowed it, yet he remained fearful of what exactly that meant. In his logical mind, he understood that committing himself to Fili meant less chance of continuing the line of Durin. Also, claiming Fili down when he had the world at his fingertips seemed far more selfish than selfless, and he feared the additional burden of responsibility as consort would become more of a burden than what had already been forced on Fili his entire life?

The bottom line was Thorin refused to believe in the feelings of his heart over the thinkings of his mind. He'd helped raise Fili and Kili, of course, but those feelings were inbred because they were kin. Fili's emotional outpouring and ability to dig his way around, through, and inside Thorin was a different matter altogether.

The company was attempting to get Kili and Bifur out of the bushes where'd they decided to relieve themselves at the very last moment. Fili already sat upon his pony, urging his brother to behave but with the dead give-away hint of amusement curling his lips. That's how Thorin always viewed his nephews; Kili pushing the limits while Fili joined-in in his own way but strived to put boundaries on Kili's spirited behavior when the need arose.

Another thought struck him hard and as he watched his nephews. When he looked at Fili and Kili, he saw two sides to the same coin, two separate bodies, hearts, and minds, but attached together by one all-embracing soul. And if that were the case, how would Fili's One fit into the perplexities of his relationship with his brother? And the even harsher reality was whether Thorin could see himself taking away for his own personal gain what little youthful spirit Fili had left.

o~o~o~o

Once Bilbo had caught up to the company, coins had been exchanged—unfortunately with Thorin on the losing end—and the hobbit had been set upon his own pony, Thorin finally felt they were truly on their way. He hadn't formed an opinion of their burglar yet, but so far he'd heard of no skills or assets he possessed that would be helpful in the days to come.

With two days riding behind them, Thorin was already bone-weary and slightly downhearted. He'd spent far too much time riding alone, mulling over the road ahead and, of course, Fili. He noted it would be best if he attempted to socialize more with his company during the ride, if for no other reason than to keep his rattling brain steady and busy. He was less likely to drown in his own thoughts if he focused on something else, someone else.

It had turned out to be a wet experience for everyone since they'd encountered more rain than not on their quest thus far. There weren't any outright complaints, but Thorin could tell the lot of them were already weary of the downpour and the uncomfortable sensation of being soaked through to the bone. Bilbo had been gently heckling Gandalf's wizardly abilities when a disturbance at the back of the pack caused everyone to stop and turn.

As Thorin turned to find out just what the was happening, he saw Kili sitting on his backside in the middle of a mud puddle. The other dwarves chuckled, believing it was all just a part of Kili's entertaining personality, but Thorin knew better. The truth was in the lack of amusement on his youngest nephew's face and even more so, the fact Fili was the only dwarf not paying Kili any attention at all.

"Kili! You'll catch your death sitting there like that. Mount up and come to my side. Fili, you and Dwalin ride on ahead. We need somewhere dry to stay for the night."

Fili rode past him without a word, back straight, gaze focused on the road ahead. Dwalin was not so accommodating.

"What's going on? The lad..." Dwalin tilted his head in Fili's direction, "...shoved the other one to the ground. I saw it with my own eyes."

"Carry on, Dwalin. Fili waits ahead."

Dwalin opened his mouth to protest but instead uttered a breathy curse and warning.

"You know I'll do as I'm told, but don't think this issue has been swept under the rug. We've barely begun our journey, Thorin, and if there are things amiss, I believe we should all be informed."

Thorin nodded as Dwalin trotted away. He knew Dwalin was fond of Fili and Kili, had known them most of their lives in fact, hence he was fully aware of their closeness. Whatever Fili's intention had been, Thorin knew it wasn't for him to get noticed by the rest of the company.

Fili preferred to fade into the background, maintain his sense of decorum and respectability. He'd been teased just as much as Kili when they were dwarflings, but not for being too fair of face. The taunts aimed at him had been with regards to Thorin, and more specifically Fili's place as heir apparent. Dwarves could be just as ruthless as men, crueler if the one in their sights was of their own kind.

Fili had been subjected to both dwarf and human cruelties, but only until he'd finally showed his gutless enemies that he could more than adequately take care of himself. He'd always kept a stony face after that, not as trusting as before, and preferring to spend time only with Kili—and Thorin. Attention in a group of dwarves far older than him was definitely not to Fili's liking.

"Uncle," Kili said as he rode up beside Thorin. "I apologize. I must have dozed off and lost my footing with all the rain. I'll be more careful from now on. Might I go ride ahead with Fili now?"

"What did you say to make him strike you?"

Kili's response was immediate and harsh, his large eyes growing to even more epic proportions. "He didn't strike me! Fili would never do that."

Thorin dipped his chin to his chest, gaze straight ahead. He knew Kili would feel the need to explain further if he kept quiet, or in the least, he wouldn't be able to maintain the silence.

A soft growl preceded Kili's reply. "It was just a push. It is wet and I did slip. He meant me no harm."

"Will this behavior continue in the future?"

"No, Uncle. I've learned my lesson."

"Which would be?"

Kili's eyes darkened as he stared into the distance where Fili had disappeared. "My mother would say not to stick my nose in places they do not belong. Fili's lesson is more particular—I'm not to make disparaging comments about you. Might I go join Fili now?"

"It might be best if you gave your brother some space. Ride with Ori for now."

"Yes, Uncle." With a heavy sigh, Kili guided his horse to the back of the pack again.

Thorin was gobsmacked by Kili's confession, but he nodded and dismissed him nonetheless. He'd expected some sort of cheeky remark to explain Fili's usual calm demeanor faltering, but he hadn't expected it to be about him.

o~o~o~o

Fili gritted his teeth, hissing at his brother as he encouraged his horse closer so he would not be overheard. "I'll not discuss this with you any longer, Kili. Have we not spoken of it enough since we left Ered Luin?"

With a shake of his head, Kili rolled his eyes and threw up a hand. "How can you say that? The circumstances have surely changed since even a day past. Why do you defend him so righteously when he's not even attempted to show you any kindness?" He tugged at his hood with a disgusted huff.

"Thorin treats me no different than the rest."

"But is that not the point? Should he not treat you differently now? Why won't you let me speak with him? I promise not to push. I just want to help, Fee."

Kili reached out to touch his shoulder but Fili pushed him away.

"No, Kili. He has his honor and pride. Nothing, and no one, can change the way he is, not even questioning, stabbing words from his youngest nephew's spiteful lips. And more importantly, words that are none of his concern."

"Honor? You cannot be serious? What honor is there in denying who you are?"

"You know nothing of this, Kili. You need to stop."

"I know you. I've always known you."

"Though I appreciate your support, this is not a matter between brothers."

"What about the attack?"

Fili could hear the concern in Kili's voice, could feel the compassion wafting off him in the way it always had. He tightened his grip on his reins, dipping his head while he prayed for more patience. "Kili, please."

Kili couldn't be stopped, as was usually the case. "Have you told him how you were beaten and stabbed protecting his precious honor yet? Does he know you've already spilled your own blood for him because of his quest for greatness? That you carry the scar for proving once again that you would lay down your life for him?"

"It is merely a scratch. You're making far too much of it."

"A scratch that required a healer. What is wrong with you, brother?"

Fili's patience was wearing thin. "You would have done no different had you been at my side."

"Perhaps, but I certainly would not have hid it from Thorin so he didn't have to feel the guilt of a blade cutting through my skin."

"There is no need for him to know. What good would come of it, Kili? Let things lie where they may."

"He seems to be the one doing all the lying, especially after he bedded you, and now wishes to deny it."

"Kili! You'll not speak of him that way. Have some respect, brother."

"I respect him as my king, but as my uncle, my respect for him is waning. Perhaps you need to take extreme measures to allow him to see the error of his ways."

"What is it you're trying to say?"

"If you turn your eyes and love toward someone else, maybe our uncle will pull his head out of his arse, and acknowledge the feelings between you."

Fili growled and before he recognized the movement of his own hand, he'd shoved Kili as hard as he could—and afterwards, felt not a drop of guilt about it.