Chapter 5 - Seeking the Truth

Mahal's balls!

Why did Fili always let Kili lead where Fili knew not to go. Blaming his brother was the easy way out, but the look on Thorin's face, the anger and disgust that seeped from his voice had Fili feeling like a chastised student.

The disappointment in Thorin's eyes was even harder for Fili to withstand than the curt, casual attitude he'd been using with him. It was far worse because Fili knew Thorin did not easily forgive—and never forgot—anyone who disrespected the heritage of his family.

Living through Thorin's stories had been the only way he and Kili could imagine there being a life outside of the tiny three-roomed home they'd always known. There was no way of counting how often Thorin had spoken of the honor and importance of not letting the hardships of his family—grandfather, father, brother, brother-in-law—be forgotten. And just how many times had he mourned the battle with the pale Orc and the massacre at Moria?

"You know nothing of the world."

Thorin was right. The only world Fili and Kili knew was the one they'd spent their whole lives hoping to get away from—Kili with his adventurer's spirit and Fili with his wish to follow Thorin to the ends of the earth itself.

When Thorin had been near, Fili and Kili had eaten, slept, and breathed the events that had led Thorin and the rest of them to Ered Luin. He'd always been ready to instill in them the importance of seeking out their heritage and reclaiming their birthright. And once Fili understood the true nature of his feelings for his uncle, he'd dreamed of little else except standing at Thorin's side when they rediscovered their home.

To jest of such dire circumstances was unforgivable, even though Thorin's battle with the Orcs had been the furthest thing from their minds. They'd only wanted to strike-up some excitement in the heart of the nervous hobbit. Instead, Fili was left with even greater animosity between him and Thorin, and Kili remained dumb on the entire thing.

"It was my fault. I'll go talk to him."

Fili took one last puff on his pipe before tapping it roughly on one of the stones in front of the fire. "And what good do you think that will do? I know you've been like a fly buzzing in his ear since we left Bag End, and I certainly don't need you to fight my battles for me."

Kili huffed out a heavy breath. "Why are they always your battles?"

"Because I'm the elder and should know better." Fili didn't know what the look of rage was on Kili's face and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted justification on the matter. "I'll talk to him. It's my place, not yours."

"That's dung and you know it! He's my uncle, too, and, if anything, I should be the one apologizing!" Kili's voice rose uncomfortably in Fili's ears, the sound bouncing off the rocks, and unfortunately, reaching the always-curious hobbit's ears, as well.

Bilbo approached them, stepping around the fire then pausing to twist his hands in front of his belly. One eye squinted at Fili and Kili, the other seeming to twitch right along with the tic he'd developed in the corner of his mouth. Fili sighed before forcing a tight smile.

"Something you need, Bilbo? I'm sorry about what just happened. Kili and I—"

"Oh, never mind that. Did you say uncle just now? Did Kili say uncle?"

With a brief look at Fili, Kili gestured Bilbo closer. "We didn't know it was to be kept secret," he said as he shuffled his body to sit alongside Fili against the stone cliff.

"Thorin is your... you're Thorin's... you're...

Balin suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Yes, laddie. They're Thorin's sister's sons. Direct heirs to the throne of Erebor. Fili will succeed Thorin if ever the need arises. I don't believe it was kept out of your knowledge on purpose."

With a cock of his head, Bilbo fluttered his arms out to the sides. "So everyone knows but me?" The fluster of responding "ayes" made him twirl around in a circle, hands holding his head as his mouth moved without any words coming out.

"It makes no difference on the journey, Bilbo. We're just part of the company as is everyone else," Fili offered. The anxious state of their burglar worried him since Bilbo was so close to the fire, and not the most graceful even under normal circumstances. "Perhaps you should sit down for a spell, you know...away from the fire."

"No! No…no, I'm fine. So what of Thorin's wife and child? You both...well, all of you, sound so sure that Fili, or Kili I suppose, will take Thorin's place."

There was a chorus of "Thorin's what?" before Bilbo even finished speaking.

Kili was the first to snap his jaw closed and form a coherent sentence—which was a bit of a shock in itself. "Why do you think he has a wife?"

Fili felt his own mouth drop open but he couldn't find a damn word in his head.

Bilbo rolled his lips and shook his head. "Wife…mistress…whatever you want to call her. I don't know that he's actually married, but there's rumor he and his boy-prince have a ransom on their heads. So the assumption of course is that the boy means son and the prince means son so therefore there must be a son and a wife…or mistress or…whatever. Fili, are you all right? You look a little pained and your eyes are all squinty. Should I get Gloin? Or...no…Oin is the healer one?"

Fili stood up quickly, his pipe rattling to the ground as he moved to face Bilbo. He swallowed the misguided anger that clogged his throat, instead choosing to go the diplomatic route. "A rumor you say? And where exactly did you hear such a rumor?"

"Fili—" Kili began as he moved to stand alongside him. Fili stopped him with a single point of his finger.

"Someone from Bag End had just been on a journey of their own…huh, imagine that, two journeys in the same village. I'm sure that must be a record or something since we hobbits are not known—"

"Bilbo!" Fili said with a tad too much emphasis. "A journey to where?"

"You mean the other hobbit?"

Fili felt his temper seeping very close to the surface of his untidy nerves. Had Kili not grabbed his shoulder, he knew what he would have uttered would not have been diplomatic or majestic—something Thorin was constantly on them about being. Instead, he shifted his stance, licking across his dry lips while Bilbo rocked back on his heels and mumbled to himself. Hobbits were strange creatures.

"Yes, the other hobbit."

"Um…let me think. Think…think…think. Oh! I believe they were in the Iron Hills district. For what reason I don't know."

With a significant amount of patience intact, Fili moved the conversation ahead. "And there was talk of a threat to Thorin and…his wife and son?"

"Uh huh. Uh huh, I'm not sure a wife was ever mentioned. I might have assumed there was one since the term boy-prince was used. Perhaps Thorin has a daughter that looks like a boy?"

Fili stepped in front of his brother, who tried to grab Bilbo about the collar. Kili was seething on the outside much the same as Fili was on the inside.

"And the threat, Bilbo? What was mentioned about that?"

Fili snuck a peek at Balin, who did indeed seem shocked at the wife and son part of Bilbo's ramblings, but not the threat and ransom part. He wouldn't meet Fili's gaze, and Fili knew it was time to take his questions to a higher power—the majestic king himself.

Fili stepped to the side, intent on going around Bilbo, but he was paused in his determined task by the hobbit moving to block his path. "Does this mean he has a child but no wife, or a wife but no child?"

"He has neither," Fili hissed. It was unintentional and uncalled for but necessary with all the nerves Fili could feel rising to tickle just beneath his skin.

Bilbo held his position, stroking a hand across his bare chin and poking out his bottom lip. "Then who was the boy-prince he was mucking about with in Ered Luin?"

With a steely growl, Fili pushed Bilbo aside, apologizing to no one in particular when Bilbo fell face first into Kili. Luckily Kili caught him without any damage, not that Fili cared since his thoughts were already some place else with someone else.

oOoOoOo

Fili's jealous anger reached the boiling point as soon as Thorin was in his sight. It was highly unusual for him, but he felt justified just the same. Thorin stared at him with disdain in his eyes as he approached.

"Should I maintain my assumption that I'm the boy-prince you were mucking about with or do you have a child that I'm unaware of? Or another boy, perhaps?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was resting, just as you should be." Thorin closed his eyes, his own off-hand of dismissing Fili. Fili was having none of it.

"Don't brush me away, Thorin. I know you have the ears of a bat and have heard everything that was just said."

Thorin's eyes snapped open, his voice rumbling deep in his chest. "Lower your voice."

"And if I don't, what will you do? Punish me? I believe you are already managing that task quite successfully."

"I'm not…it's late, Fili. Go back to your brother and let him coddle you. You'll find none of that here."

Fili dropped to a crouch, inches away from Thorin—so close he felt, as well as heard, the stuttering intake of breath as he startled Thorin into attentiveness. "Uncle, king, leader or not, you don't have the right to speak to me that way."

"You're out of line. Step back."

"As your heir apparent, I might abide by your command, but as your nephew and tossed-aside lover, I have the option not to."

"Whatever has gotten into you tonight? Did you not already suffer my disappointment and anger? Why do you seek more?"

Thorin's blue eyes forged holes into Fili's matching gaze, but the jealous fire still shone bright and green in Fili's heart, and his uncle's wrath would not stand in his way.

"I don't, and I apologize for my earlier behavior, but Kili and I were honestly not trying to offend or ridicule our heritage. It was a simple mistake, bred from the lateness of the hour and the nervousness of the hobbit."

"Mistake? You can't possibly expect me to believe that. It was irresponsible and cruel."

Fili sucked back his own disdain and rage, shutting them up with all the other unresolved feelings he'd been bottling since Thorin's rejection. It was the first time he'd considered it in that light, but making a long story short, that was exactly what it felt like when Thorin had ripped his heart out and tossed away.

He let his bottom drop to the ground, sitting cross-legged just to the side of Thorin. He wouldn't be run off as easily as he had been before. He had a valid question that did not involve love or heartache, and he intended to get an answer.

He fingered the knife buried deep in his pocket, summoning strength and courage before he spoke. "What of the ransom and threat, Thorin? Have you heard the same? Has your life indeed been threatened?"

Thorin kept his lips clamped shut, his jaw stubborn and rock solid. What Fili wouldn't have done to take Thorin's face between his hands and kiss him into submission in that very moment, just as he had the first time he'd confessed his love. But it was neither the time nor place for that, and focus was far more important than the jumble of writhing emotions that threatened to lock his chest up like a dwarf's precious box of gold. If Thorin wanted to be stubborn, Fili was perfectly fine with waiting him out.

The call of another warg filled the air, and Fili watched as Thorin's body flexed and released, quickly, but noticeable to Fili all the same. He searched Thorin's eyes, despite their far-off gaze, but found nothing except loss and steely determination. Would it not be better if they worked as one rather than two separate beings butting heads in the face of a shared adversity? Fili found it so, but Thorin was a completely different matter based on wounded pride and misguided passions. Not that Fili would ever tell him that.

"Dain told me much the same as the burglar."

As he squeezed the knife tighter, Fili was careful to not let the sharp edge nudge against his already-cut palm. "He said what exactly?"

"They want Erebor, or her gold more likely than not. They don't wish for us to reclaim her, and will go to any length to see it not so."

Fili fingered one of his mustache beads, his hands needing to be occupied so they had no cause to grab Thorin in one of two possible ways. "Dain told you this, but you never deemed it important enough to share with those of us involved in the danger?"

"Don't push it, Fili. I'll not have you being completely disrespectful whether in the capacity of prince or nephew."

"Or lover." The words were out before Fili could contain the thought. "I'm sorry. That's not what this is about."

"And I never tossed you aside," Thorin hissed. "You know not of the pain I suffer from knowing I hurt you."

"And that's part of the problem, can you not see that? I love you, Thorin—"

"Fili…"

"I'll say my piece if I have to sit here until daybreak because the pain you feel from hurting me is ten-fold in my heart."

Thorin rested his head against the stone facing, his eyes slipping shut as he gnawed on his lower lip. Fili's insides ached a little more at the sight of the strong, beautiful man-of-his-heart suffering just as he was. He reached for Thorin's hand, eternally grateful his touch was not rebuffed or batted away.

All things considered, he didn't allow himself to linger long, just a simple brushing of his thumb over Thorin's knuckles. It was enough to wind Fili up inside, making him both hopeful, but full of grief at the same time.

"I mean no disrespect, and the subject of what happened between us won't be brought up again…for now. But please…trust in your company. Trust in those who surround you with loyalty and honor. You're not an army within yourself as you felt for so many years. If there is a threat, it's a danger to us all."

"And more so to you." Thorin's words were barely audible, just off the tip of his tongue and into Fili's ears, the only one who needed to hear them anyway. They engaged Fili's anger again.

"Is that what this is all about? You see me more in harm's way if I not only stand beside you, but lay with you, as well?"

"You said the subject was closed."

"I lied." Fili cocked his head, his gaze focused on Thorin's downturned face until he finally looked up. "If I didn't think for one second that you would command me to return to Ered Luin for mutiny, I would be tempted to beat some sense into you."

"I would never, and neither would you."

Thorin had a point but his dismissing attitude still had no affect on Fili. "Does Balin know? Dwalin? Everyone but Kili and I?"

"Balin has ways of securing information one doesn't want to confess."

Fili knew it to be true—Balin, though blessed with a heart of gold, was a dodgy old warrior. "So we proceed with more caution than we'd planned, yes?"

"I don't know how factual any of the information is—"

"But you trust Dain?" Thorin nodded but didn't reply. "Then I trust in your judgment in almost all things, just as you have to trust in me whether in the capacity of heir apparent, nephew or…Cherished One." Thorin visibly squirmed at the word, but Fili had to respect his restraint…finally.

"If you honestly consider me as your underling to the throne, you have the responsibility to keep me informed whether we wear crowns of gold or hoods of rain and dirt."

"Are you finished?"

Fili considered the question for a moment, loosing the knife from between his fingers and pulling his hand from his pocket. "Yes."

"Good because I've had quite enough of your and your brother's attitude today."

"Attitude?"

"Now if it suits your highness, I'd like to get some rest."

With a shake of his head, Fili crawled to his feet. Stubborn, things he'd known about Thorin even before he'd lain in his bed. He tipped his head, twisting away from Thorin as he twirled a mustache bead between his fingers and pondered one last thing.

He didn't turn back while he aired his thought. "One more question?"

He waited impatiently for Thorin to answer, his belly knotting tightly as the few heartbeats seemed to drag on. Finally Thorin replied with a simple, "What?"

"Was there another man in Ered Luin...another boy? It's not my right to ask…but I'm asking all the same." It pained him to pose the question, and the ache only deepened with Thorin's hesitation.

"No."

It was on the tip of Fili's tongue to ask if there had instead been a man or even a woman, but he willed his feet to step one in front of the other rather than embarrass himself—or Thorin—any more. The quiet utterance of his name made him pause again, his back straightening but remaining turned to Thorin.

"There has been neither woman, man nor boy in too many years to count."

Fili forced himself to breathe, unaware of how long he'd been holding his air in the anticipation of Thorin's statement. He was unsure of how he felt about the confession—good or bad, hopeful or alarmed, but it was still an unmarked step.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For finally being honest."

oOoOoOo

Seeing that Kili was boisterously, and loudly, regaling Bilbo with stories of Thorin's time with them—something Fili was sure would bite Kili in the arse eventually—Fili headed toward the ridge where it was quiet and he could be alone with his thoughts. He should have known it was wishful thinking.

"Good show, laddie."

Fili twisted his head to see Balin standing behind him, pipe hanging vicariously out one side of his mouth while the other side was turned up in an impish grin. "Pardon me?"

"You stood up to him like none I've seen before, except perhaps Dwalin and I." Balin motioned to the spot of earth beside Fili. Fili nodded and shuffled over a little—as if he really had a choice in the matter.

"Well, you're welcome to relieve me of the task again. I'm the one who'll be getting all the crap duties around camp now for my good showing."

"I don't believe so."

"Then excuse my bluntness, Balin, but you're off your bloody arse."

Balin laughed, head thrown back as he clutched his belly. Fili might have been amused at the sight had he not been so determined to maintain his bad mood.

"Careful, he might put you down to horse dung duty, as well, if he hears you laughing."

With a final snort, Balin sucked on his pipe. "Needless to say the old bugger doesn't scare me. We've been through far worse, he and I, and Dwalin too, of course. His bark is far worse than his bite. You should know that."

"I used to think I did, but I'm not so sure anymore." Fili reached into his pocket, his fingers coming up empty when he realized he'd left his pipe by the fire. He settled for taking the knife out and rolling it between his fingers. He'd never been so careless before, having not even exposed his foolish keepsake in front of Kili, but now Balin…perhaps he hadn't noticed.

"I remember when Thorin made that for ya," Balin confirmed Fili's worry with a wink. "Ah come on, lad. You don't have to hide it from me. I'll neither judge you nor go spreading your personal business about."

He tipped to the side, his own hand shoving into an inside pocket of his coat. He wiggled something in front of Fili who opened his hand and received it. He was confused by the object at first, holding it up closer to his eye as he squinted in the dim light of the moon. He turned to Balin who was smirking like Bombur at an all-you-can-eat feast.

"A ring? It's very beautiful, Balin."

"Aye. It belonged to the only man I ever loved—given to me by him."

Fili tried to prevent his jaw from hitting the ground but he was too late. "A man? You loved a man?"

"Don't look so shocked, laddie. I was quite the catch in my time."

With a genuine grin—the first of the past couple of days that he wouldn't get reprimanded for—Fili handed Balin back the ring. "It's lovely, and I'm sure you were, and still are. Didn't you once tell us you'd never found your One?"

"He wasn't that, but he was very special to me."

"Was?"

"He was killed in the Battle of Moria, alongside many other great men."

Fili's breath hitched in his throat. "I'm sorry, Balin. Kili and my recklessness must have upset you, as well."

"No. I've come to terms with Jorio's death long ago."

"But you must still feel as bitter and raw as Thorin does."

"I've not suffered loss of the same magnitude that Thorin did that day, but I keep this for that very purose, lad. To remember my lover was lost saving my life—and he did you know? Stepped in front of a blade meant for me. Jorio was a lively soul, much like your brother Kili. He wouldn't have wanted for me to continue mourning him after so many years." He paused to carefully place the ring back in his pocket. "But it still remains with me always."

"But why do you not wear it? Do Thorin and Dwalin know?"

"Of course, but putting it on my finger is still too painful after all these years. So I keep it with me so I might call on its strength now and again."

With a sigh, Fili examined the knife in his hand. Such a confession surely deserved a return, and he was tired of keeping everything to himself. "I do the same—for kinship reasons, of course. Thorin is as close a father as I've ever known."

"Aye, and am I under the correct assumption that the angry bear that is our king doesn't know?"

"That would truly be useless information to him."

Balin clucked his tongue. "I meant what I said back there. There's no dwarf I'd rather follow than he, but that doesn't mean I'm blind to his faults and moods. I've known him far too long to dismiss everything he does as planned and thought out."

"I'm not sure I know what you're getting at, Balin."

"Take yourself for instance…"

"Why would I be the for instance?" Fili tried to swallow the anticipatory feeling of dread, but it lodged tight in his throat.

"Because you're the closest to his heart, Fili."

Fili's own heart stuttered, and it must have been clear on his face since Balin's hand immediately wrapped around his shoulder.

"Are you all right, laddie?"

Fili dipped his head, intent on hiding his tell-all face from Balin's steely gaze. "Yes. I should go back to Kili now. I'm supposed to be on watch."

"There are plenty around to keep your brother busy."

"I'm sorry but I really need to—"

"I know a thing or two about this and that. I remember in Ered Luin when you and Kili were small. Thorin and I always knew when your mother needed a break so we'd take you off to fish or bird watch, or even have a picnic in the woods."

Fili had no idea what Balin was trying to get at, but he liked the memories that appeared in his head far better than the reality that lay before him. "Those were always special adventures for Kili and me."

"Aye. We didn't have a lot, and we wanted and prayed for more, but we made due with what we had. Times may have been hard, but through the joys of family we did our best, and as such, were happy. Times are different now. Nothing is certain and everything we know will be no more as we walk further into the darkness. Thorin has more to deal with than any of us, more riding on his shoulders—the weight of the mountain if you will—more to lose and more to gain."

"Balin. I mean no disrespect, but I don't believe he would like me speaking of him with you."

"I've never known you to be anything but respectful, and that's saying a lot since I've always felt as if you were one of my own."

Heat seared Fili's cheeks but for once it was a nice feeling. "Thank you."

"But I know and understand that of which you worry, and I highly recognize his moods after all these years. All I mean to say is things may not be as they seem with Thorin right now, and I believe what he needs most is for you to not give up on him."

Fili's answer was swift, to the point and bordering on disrespectful. "I believe you've not had enough sleep as of late. You seem delirious or perhaps unaware of that which you speak."

"Oh, I'm aware. As I said, I've known you since you were a babe in your mother's arms, and I'm certainly not judging how you've always looked at himfelt about him. These things are born of fate, not dwarf or man-made, neither are they forced circumstances. Do you mean to give up on him, laddie?"

"I would never do that. He's my uncle and I'm his heir, and we're forever connected as such."

Balin stroked a hand over his beard, his eyes twinkling as he gazed into Fili's. "I may be old, but I'm not an old fool. I know what he is to you, what he's always been, so please honor me with the truth or would you rather I sweep it under the rug as he is trying to do? Everyone needs someone to talk to once and a while."

"There is nothing for him to sweep, and I do have Kili to talk to."

"Aye, that's obvious with the attitude he's been throwing Thorin's way. He's a little too close to the situation, is he not?"

"What do you want me to say, Balin?"

"Have you succumbed to Thorin's stubbornness?"

"Since you've already seem to think you've unearthed my true feelings, and the situation involved, then you must also know I've always believed him to be my One. That's not something that goes away, nor do I want it to be. But it's not up to me. I'm not the one who has given up or perhaps…perhaps, I misjudged how he felt all along."

Balin snorted, then tapped Fili's arm with his pipe. "I don't believe you have since he did not turn you away at the time, am I right?"

"As you already seem to know, yes."

"Then since I know he'll kick himself into a tantrum when he finds out that I've spoken to you about this—so there's no reason I shouldn't be completely honest in my words. He loves you and Kili as if you were his own—always has, always will—but in my heart I know his love for you transcends that of a nephew. That's a heavy burden for him to carry, you must understand. Especially right now. I've known him all my life and I would wager everything I am that he will see you as you truly are—his Only—if you let him discover it for himself."

Fili dipped his head, toying with a loose string on his coat. "There is nothing to be discovered. I only wish to serve him in any way I can."

"You're better than that, lad."

Squinting his eyes, Fili took in the serious expression on Balin's face. "Better than a prince whose only desire is to make his king proud?"

"No, better than a dwarf who gives up on the love in his heart."

Filled turned his head from Balin, hissing his words out into the darkness of the valley below. "Life does not always hand us choices. I believe my uncle used to say that when Kili and I failed to get that which we wanted. And did you not tell us that not everyone is blessed with the discovery of finding the one that will become your only?"

"Aye, but If you remember that from your youth, then you must consider its meaning, as well. Life has not handed you a choice in who you love, Fili, so there is no decision for you to make. I've not been lucky enough to find my heart's desire, but I have come close to feeling what I see so clearly shown in your eyes. If you truly believe you have no choice in whether Thorin allows his love for you to blossom, then you also have no choice in whether you shall wait or give up."

"I don't understand your point, Balin."

"I suppose I may not have a logical one but allow an old dwarf hope that true love has not died along with respect and good tidings. Then I shall continue to hope you let yourself keep your own dream nestled in your heart next to your love for Thorin."

Fili licked across his lips, shoving the knife back in his pocket then rocking forward onto his knees. "And how do you suggest I do that when he offers me little more than a cold shoulder and a reminder that I am young, foolish, and beneath him."

"Do just as you did tonight, lad. Give him a run for his gold."