Chapter 2: No Mask

When I opened my eyes, it was with a gasp. I had dreamed he was torturing me with Crucio. He had killed mother and father, and I looked into mothers face. Tear stained and white. His laughter was not the joyous kind, to hear it, would send a jolt in your stomach and make your skin crawl. I tried to scream, but no sound came out.

My eyes met Pansy's, who I believed, to be my only friend.

'So, what happened to you?'

'Potter' I spat.

'Oh…' why did she seem unconcerned?

'You are still going to carry out the task, aren't you?' she seethed. Her dark eyes were narrowed at me in suspicion.

'I - I can't'

'Why not? What happened to the proud Draco? The one gloating about it?' Her eyes were piercing me, and yet glaring at the same time. I thought Pansy had come to see me. To see if I was ok.

'I am proud. He chose me.' I snarled. "And he chose you, not as a gift, but as a curse. How does he expect you, a pathetic coward, to kill Dumbledore?" A snide voice uttered inside my head.

'You care about the glory it will bring, still?' she pressed.

I do want glory. If I kill him I will become the most glorified Death Eater - above even Severus. Father might finally be pleased and proud of me, too…

At what cost? Do I have it in me to be a murderer? To kill my headmaster? And as much as I hate Potter and the lot of them, I don't want them to be tormented or killed. "Keep that big bushy head down, Granger" I had sneered. Again my mind wheeled back to the Quidditch World Cup, and how the Death Eaters were loose that night…including my father…I can remember the Dark Mark in the sky, how it glowed and shimmered.

She glared at me again, waiting for an answer. I didn't know what to say because one side of me (the side approved by Severus, by mother and father) was gloating and full of pride. And teeming with resentment and hate. But this nagging, whimpering voice told me that no matter what anyone thought, or how nasty had been, and could be, that was not actually me. Who am I? I feared I did not know the answer.

'A part of me wants the glory, but-'

'You can't have it both ways. You're either on his side, or their side. You're so two faced, Draco. Come and talk to me when you're ready to be a real man' Pansy spat icily, and stormed out of the hospital wing, leaving me alone. She was right, I was nothing but two faced and I loathed myself for it. The restlessness of my mind kept me awake at night, and when I dreamt, it was only of my fears. Of mother dying. Tear stained and white. I was scattered all over the place, and I wasn't even really trying to kill Dumbledore. The poisoned mead. The necklace. They were deliberate mediocre attempts, and it had come time to choose a face to be.

Madam Pomphrey gave me my last potion before I was able to leave.

'Not a single scar.' Severus said quietly.

'Thanks to you' I mumbled.

'Draco, have you given any thought to the…task? I made the Unbreakable -'

'Well, you were stupid, weren't you?' I hissed. 'Like I said before, it looks like you'll have to break it. I don't want or need your help and I know you're just trying for all the glory.'

His eyes flashed angrily.

'Not this again. I don't care about glory.' he sneered.

'Why are you a Death Eater, then?' I whispered. His pale lips began to shake slightly. 'We reap what we sow' he whispered, so quietly, I barley heard him. Then he left, and I walked out of the hospital wing and made my way to the Slytherin common room. I was welcomed by the spiky black furnishings, the familiar leather black couches and the green skulls lining shelves and leather bound books gracefully placed in their shelves. Heads turned towards me.

'What happened to you?' Zabini boomed.

'Potter cursed me with some sort of spell that slashed at my skin like a sword' I replied and saw Pansy look up, and anger seeped through me at the still unfathomable, uncaring expression. No friends.

'What caused him to do that?' Zabini pressed. I wish he hadn't asked that.

"He - nothing, an argument." I approached Pansy, who had been reading a book on the couch.

'What do you want?' she snapped.

'Just to tell you that I, of course, will be with much devotion, doing the task' She looked elated and I felt suddenly superior and tall again.

"Excellent, Draco. It must have been the knock to the head, or something, leaving you a bit disorientated to voice such an opinion before…'

'Yes, that's right. I'm sure it was.' I sat down beside her. I had to tell someone, and I knew she was my only friend, the only one I could tell.

'Vanishing cabinet?! That is so ingenious, Draco.' A happy flush crossed her cheeks. She looked more alive, more satisfied.

'Not a word to anyone, about anything. Not the Vanishing Cabinets, not Dumbledore, nothing!' I said, remembering with a pang her nonchalance for me.

'I promise, anyway, I don't want to jeopardize what a wonderful thing this is going to be - and what it means for our families, and the Dark Lord.' she replied, with a gleeful expression. I lay my head down in her lap, and she raked her fingers through my hair, a gesture I remembered from the train.

A week had passed since I had been released from the hospital wing and I had finally mended the broken Cabinet. Devastation had plagued me, and I had not been so sure I would be able to but now I felt elation again. I felt like I could really do it, as I passed the castle in a haze, not really seeing the walls, the stairs, or the people. Then I came across the Room of Requirement, and thought hard for the room with the Vanishing Cabinet stored safely inside. A large brass door appeared and my stomach jolted as I entered and saw the bronze coated, Vanishing Cabinet. I crept inside, thinking about my destination, and the Cabinet whooshed downwards and rattled furiously and I felt myself land with a thud. I waited for a moment, breathing heavily. Then I slid the door open slightly and glee overwhelmed me as I saw Borgin at his counter, talking to a customer. I slid back inside and felt that familiar whoosh and rattling of the cabinet, and I was instantly back in the Room of Requirement. I leapt out, and I could not contain myself. I whooped and jumped in the air, a grin plastered on my face and I laughed ecstatically. I felt manic, and I whooped again, and again. I knew now, that it could be done. Pansy was right, this idea had been ingenious and I had accomplished it! Dumbledore, that old fool, wouldn't have a clue. I would be able to bring the Death Eaters in and infiltrate the castle…I can do it, I had thought. I will be rewarded more than any other…I will be glorified, I will become his most faithful and devoted…most talented…when not even he had managed to kill Dumbledore, I would have.

A strange thought crept into my mind. "Maybe one day you will be even more powerful than him!"

I shook my head, and the grin remained, with my eyes wild.

I left the Room of Requirement with what I can only describe as intense power and superiority running through me and I loved this feeling. At this point, I didn't care how ruthless what I would accomplish was. This feeling was much better than the Draco I had been. The cowering, whimpering, crying, Draco. The one that cried in the bathroom to a stupid ghost, who seemed like she actually cared for me. How insufferable. I laughed to myself emptily. As I marched down the corridors, I realized it was late. Moments before students had glided past me in my dazed awareness as I made my way to the Room of Requirement. But they were gone, and the castle was virtually empty, and the silence was rather deafening. Had I been gone that long? My journey to Borgin and Burkes had been very quick, but with a frown, I realized what had taken so long was my moments of elation. Had I been in there, laughing and whooping like a psycho all that time? I needed to act more serious. So I plastered a more self-important and serious face…or mask…onto my face.

To my intense irritation I saw Severus…Snape…gliding towards me and when he saw me his face became etched in surprise.

'You look odd' he simply said as he came to a stop in front of me. I raised my eyebrows at him. Well, call me odd, but that was an odd thing for him to say. He never spoke like that.

'Pardon?' I jeered.

'I saw you when I was at the end of the corridor' he said in a low voice. 'Your face…had the most manic, unruly, expression I've ever seen. Are you quite alight? And then it changed into…that of a very serious expression.' he went on, looking at me curiously.

I decided to walk, and yet the persistent nuisance followed.

'Quite remarkable, sir. But you don't need to constantly analyze every expression I wear'

'Part of my job is about reading people.' he said silkily. 'So, would you care to tell me what got you so excited?' he asked, smirking. Only with Snape could a simple sequence of words sound so much like an innuendo. But I decided to tell him because I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face, and I wanted him to realise that I was capable, after all.

I did like him, he was fathers old friend. I suppose with those you like you also loathe. Mother had once told me that love was easy to mistake for loathing, but I didn't love him. Then again, who had I loved? Maybe he had been my only real, genuine, friend. I shook my head at the thought. Mother could sometimes be a hypocrite. Mistaking love for loathing? How she loathed her sister, Andromeda, and she could not have loved her. Not that filthy blood traitor.

My mind had wandered. I now saw that we were outside of the castle, standing upon the stairs to the entrance doors.

'What are we doing outside?' I asked, frowning.

'I don't want to be heard. Now, tell me, what were you doing? You certainly looked the happiest - and craziest, I have ever seen of you.'

'I fixed a Vanishing Cabinet. The other one is at Borgin and Burkes and I tested them out. They work. We can transport the Death Eaters into the castle, right under Dumbledore's nose!' I laughed.

'You thought of that, all by yourself?' he questioned.

'Yes.' I snapped. 'I'm not stupid, you know.'

'I'm quite aware of that. I shall inform the Dark Lord, Draco. You have done well. The Death Eaters will arrive and we will corner Dumbledore…' he whispered.

'Is it hard?' I suddenly asked. He stared, blankly.

'You know, pretending to Dumbledore, you're on his side? The great act?' I don't think I would have been capable of it.

'Not at all. I close my mind, my emotions…'

'And yet he still trusts you? How did you get him to trust you? I mean, not even the Dark Lord has…conquered Dumbledore.' I asked, with a burning need to know. I wished I was capable of fooling people so brilliantly.

'I - I just spun him a tale. I pretended to be in great remorse' he replied, but he had a far away look about him. He was looking at the tree, the one by the lake, as if someone were there.

'Sir?' I asked, raising my eyebrows and shifting my weight. After a few moments his gaze returned to me.

'I still don't get it. Dumbledore believed you just because you proclaimed to be sorry? Didn't he need something that settled it beyond doubt in his mind? Sir?' I pressed. I knew I was reading things wrong, however. After all, I had failed to realize that we had walked outside and onto the stairs. I glanced up at the sky and saw a full moon, and I sat on a stair and decided to lie back, glancing at the many stars in the galaxy. As soon as my elation had come, it had vanished. It had disappeared as soon as I saw that snarky git, actually. As soon as the words 'Not even the Dark Lord has conquered Dumbledore' slipped from my lips did I realise what I had said. The Dark Lord has never been able to kill him, and I thought I could? I was a sixteen year old, conflicted, useless, idiot. No…no…I had fixed the vanishing cabinet, and I was skilled…I was capable, I was brilliant. I was ingenious, as Pansy had said. But the Dark Lord was more skilled, capable, brilliant and ingenious than I, and not even he had managed such a task. I sat up and put my cold hands in my head, covering my eyes, knowing that Severus has snapped out of his strange daze and was now looking at me in concern. More than anything, I hated that I had slipped from such smugness, and confidence to the spineless, whimpering, maggot, that I hated. "Spineless maggot"

I stood up abruptly and stalked back into the castle. I heard Snape's voice uttering 'Draco, come back here!' but I didn't care. I ran into the boys bathroom. The place that I had been so sad, the place that I had cried in. The place where she had tried to help, tried to understand. She had told me not to cry, but I was not crying. I was not sad. A hate that is hard to describe had begun to overwhelm me again, twisted with rage, fury, hatred at everything and mostly me, mingled with a my shattered self esteem and my broken mind, I feel her presence again and out of the corner of my eye I saw her lingering in the background. But she said nothing. I glared at my reflection in the mirror and screamed in fury. The capricious little fool, staring back at me, was the part of me that smug, confident, assured man had been scared would come back all too soon. But I looked closer, into my gray eyes and found that, the smug individual was still there. And I hated him too. Maybe as much as I hated scared, worthless, Draco. I couldn't stand it, that scowling reflection and I punched the mirror, feeling the mirror pieces that shattered into millions of tiny pieces pierce through my skin, and I gaped. Blood was etched all through my palm and I laughed, a hollow laugh. Not a happy one, and not a cruel one like the Dark Lord's in my dream. Not a laugh that made your skin crawl, I knew this laugh was one of desperation. I turned away from the broken mirror and saw her, Myrtle, staring at me.

'Please, don't…please, it will be ok. Why did you do that?'

'I didn't like what I saw' I replied simply.

'What did you see?' she asked.

'A spineless, worthless, nobody'

'I think you're a very sensitive person, and I think your very strong.' I managed a weak smile but what she said, kept me awake that night, as I tossed and turned endlessly. My face…that reflection…that mask. Who had been the real face, the real me? Who had been the mask? And it hit me, as I forced shut my eyes and tried to envision calm oceans to send me to sleep, that I had no mask. Severus wore masks to hide his true side, his gentle side, the side he would most definitely not want the Dark Lord to see. Not me. I had two faces and not once of them was a mask.

"…and I think you're very strong" the strangely soothing, babyish voice uttered, into my mind, as half formed images of a blurry nature appeared and I wished I could stop it, but I couldn't…and the image of my parents dead at his feet seeped into my mind and I groaned into my pillow. I would not be dreaming about calming perpetual oceans.