Chapter 3: No Killer Within

'You have to get over yourself and your brazen emotions, Draco' Snape sneered the following morning, when he made me stay behind in Defense Against the Dark Arts. 'What do you know?'

'I know why you took of last night and I know that you had a…' his lip curled, 'bit of a commotion in there.'

He had heard me? Seen me? I felt my face flush.

'Indeed. After your abrupt delight about the Vanishing Cabinet, what caused you to fall desperate?'

I stood up and the desk creaked beneath me.

'I realized I couldn't kill Dumbledore, he hasn't…'

'Just because the Dark Lord has failed to so doesn't mean you will' he replied lazily and then gestured me away dismissively with his hand.

I left. And I knew what I had to do. Time was making a fool of me. I would attempt my mission.

Once the sun had completely sunk, I knew it wouldn't be long. I felt my stomach clench and when I saw Severus standing at the door of the common room I felt uneasy, my hands clammy and I had to remind myself of what I had accomplished. I and I alone had fixed the vanishing cabinet. I had put Rosemerta under the Imperious Curse and I had even taken the Mudblood Granger's enchanted coin idea and used it to my advantage. Dumbledore was a senile old fool and I would succeed.

'Are you ready?' he asked hollowly.

'Of course' By now the Death Eaters would have received the message that the it was time. Time to kill Dumbledore. No feeble attempts, no crying to ghosts and no smashing mirrors and screaming. The scene would unfold for everyone to see, and with a sudden jubilation, I realized, I did have power. People would fear me for it.

I reached the Astronomy Tower where it was set to happen, where the Dark Mark was now shimmering above, silky and daunting in the sky. I suddenly realized that Severus was not with me. Had the coward slunk out of action, again? I gritted my teeth angrily. At least, the Dark Lord, would know who his truly loyal and faithful were.

With shock and hilarity I saw Dumbledore, and he looked wearier than I had ever seen him. He looked weak. I yelled 'Expelliarmus!' and his wand flew away. I had made Dumbledore wandless! Me!

The fool collapsed, still standing, against the ramparts and to my complete horror and confusion, he said 'Good evening, Draco.'

I stepped forwards quickly and shifted my gaze around me and we were quite alone. I saw with suspicion a second broom. I narrowed my eyes at the old man.

'Who else is here?'

'A question I might ask you. Or are you acting alone?' Was I acting alone? I didn't know. I thought Severus was coming, but the coward had disappeared. Yes…I and I alone was meant to kill Dumbledore, even though the Death Eaters were nearby as my back-up.

'No,' I replied. 'I've got back-up. There are Death Eaters here in your school tonight.'

'Well, well,' he replied softly. 'Very good indeed. You found a way to let them in, did you?' I felt my confidence increase. I felt, strangely, like the old fool was praising me.

'Yeah,' I panted. 'Right under your nose and you never realised!'

'Ingenious' The fact that what I had accomplished really was ingenious intensified. Not only had Pansy said it…but he had. 'Yet…forgive me…where are they now? You seem unsupported.'

Tool, I thought. He thought he knew about everyone…he thought he knew so much and he even thought Severus was working for him. He was no genius, he was a complete tool, duped by us all.

'They met some of your guard. They're having a fight down below. They won't be long…I came on ahead. I - I've got a job to do' I said, suddenly feeling unsure of myself again.

'Well, then, you must get on and do it, my dear boy,' he replied very softly and I gaped at him. Then he smiled at me and I felt my heart thump wildly in my chest.

'Draco, Draco, you are not a killer.' Such certainly on his old face…

'How do you know?' I shot back, and I almost needed to know…but as I heard my words swallowed in silence I felt my face flush, realizing how stupid I had sounded.

'You don't know what I'm capable of,' I growled. 'you don't know what I've done!' Ha. No…that old man didn't have an inkling, did he?

'Oh, yes, I do,' he replied and I was annoyed to see a twinkle in his eyes, despite his fatigue and weakness. 'you almost killed Katie Bell and Ronald Weasley. You have been trying, with increasing desperation, to kill me all year. Forgive me, Draco, but they have been feeble attempts…so feeble, to be honest, that I wonder whether your heart has been really in it…' Anger rose intensely inside me.

'It has been in it! I've been working on it all year, and tonight-' I stopped. I heard a shrieking scream and inwardly winced, hoping it wasn't someone I…no, not even liked…I hoped it wasn't anyone I knew. Except maybe Potter or Weasley, I wouldn't have minded if they got hurt.

'Somebody is putting up a good fight,' he said lightly. 'But you were saying…yes, you have managed to introduce Death Eaters into my school which, I admit, I thought impossible…how did you do it?'

I stood rigid and continued to listen to the screams echoing in my ear. It made my stomach jolt and I became increasingly worried that the rest of them would never come…

'Perhaps you ought to get on with the job alone,' I suddenly heard him say over the fighting below. 'What if your back-up has been thwarted by my guard? As you have perhaps realised, there are members of the Order of the Phoenix here tonight, too. And after all, you don't really need help…I have no wand at the moment…I cannot defend myself.' I could only stare at him. He was right. He was defenseless.

'I see,' he continued, 'you are afraid to act until they join you.'

'I'm not afraid!' I spat angrily. There was nothing to be afraid of, not this. Not anymore. Not after what I had accomplished, and how hard I had worked all year to get to this point.

'It's you who should be scared!'

'But why? I don't think you will kill me, Draco. Killing is not nearly as easy as the innocent believe…so tell me, while we wait for your friends…how did you smuggle them in here? It seems to have taken you a long time to work out how to do it.'

My palms felt more clammy and the clenching of my stomach deepened. My heart beat so furiously I was sure it was trying to escape. I pointed my wand at him and stared at him in loathing, hoping he would stop looking so…unafraid. I took deep breathes to calm myself. 'I had to mend that broken Vanishing Cabinet that no one's used in years. The one that Montague got lost in.'

His face collapsed.

'Aaaah.' His eyes closed for the briefest of moments. I had shocked him. It seemed no one, not even him, had noticed my ability.

'That was clever…there is a pair, I take it?' I felt increasingly pleased with myself.

'The other's in Borgin and Burkes and they make a kind of passage between them. Montague told me that when he was stuck in the Hogwarts one, he was trapped in limbo but sometimes he could hear what was going on at school, and sometimes what was going on in the shop, as if the Cabinet was travelling between them, but he couldn't make anyone hear him…in the end he managed to Apparate out, even though he'd never passed his test. He nearly died doing it. Everyone thought it was a really good story, but I was the only one who realised what it meant - even Borgin didn't know - I was the one who realised there could be a way into Hogwarts through the Cabinets if I fixed the broken one.' Why was I explaining this to him? A long winded speech. No one had offered their recognition of what I had achieved and yet he had praised me and I felt an insatiable need to say more, to express my brilliance, to hear more eulogize. I became aware of how very naked my face was. No longer were my eyes glaring at him. They weren't narrowed in hatred nor gleaming in the prospect of what I had come to do. Kill, murder, dispose of Albus Dumbledore.

'Very good.' he praised. 'So the Death Eaters were able to pass from Borgin and Burkes into the school to help you…a clever plan, a very clever plan…and, as you say, right under my nose…'

I felt my unquenchable need for praise filled completely.

'Yeah. Yeah, it was!' I said, feeling both comfort and courage rise.

'But there were times, weren't there, when you were not sure you would succeed in mending the Cabinet? And you resorted to crude and badly judged measures such as sending me a cursed necklace that was bound to reach the wrong hands…poisoning mead there was only the slightest chance I may drink…'

'Yeah, well, you still didn't realise who was behind that stuff, did you?' I sneered, my face twisting back to its original expression. No more nakedness.

'As a matter of fact, I did. I was sure it was you.' Oh, he was sure was he?

'Why didn't you stop me, then?'

'I tried, Draco. Professor Snape has been keeping watch over you on my orders-'

'He hasn't been doing your orders, he promised my mother-'

'Of course that is what he would tell you, Draco, but-' I felt like laughing, but I knew it would not be a pleasant laugh and it was not an expression of hilarity I wished to voice. I had thought Dumbledore, the wise, intelligent, Dumbledore, was a crack-pot old fool. I had battled this evaluation throughout the entire year. The Dark Lord had not beaten him and he could not, therefore, be a fool.

Now I knew he was.

Everybody had a view of Dumbledore that was seen through rose coloured glasses. He was the supreme idol, the perceptive genius, the brave, courageous, wise counsel…but he was a man, too. My teenage self, however, saw a man losing his grip on reality, a man who thought Severus Snape was his most trusted…most loyal. It was ludicrous.

'He's a double-agent, you stupid old man, he isn't working for you, you just think he is!'

'We must agree to differ on that, Draco. It so happens that I trust Professor Snape-'

'Well, you're losing your grip then!' I spat. I felt rage rise in me and at the time, I couldn't place why. I only felt it and thought nothing of it. Now, I realise, I felt angry at Snape for betraying Dumbledore, even though I felt angry at Dumbledore, at myself…

'He's been offering me plenty of help - wanting all the glory for himself - wanting a bit of the action - "What are you doing? Did the do the necklace? That was stupid, it could have blown everything-" I told him what I've been doing in the Room of Requirement and he was pleased! Why would he be pleased if he wasn't actually working for him? He's going to wake up tomorrow and it'll all be over and he won't be the Dark Lord's favourite anymore, he'll be nothing, nothing compared to me, nothing!' I ranted feeling that manic ecstatic satisfaction rush through me like a raging volcano. It completely took over me in that instant. I pondered on my words. I would be the Dark Lords favourite and he would be nothing. He would be long forgotten and left to stand in the shadows while I basked in my glory. The temptation was almost mouth watering.

'Very gratifying. We all like to appreciation for our hard work, of course…' Yes! My mind screamed. Could he read me that well? Did my face have 'Desire to be appreciated' written all over it, or did Dumbledore simply mean in general?

'…but you must have had an accomplice, all the same…someone in Hogsmeade, someone who was able to slip Katie the - the - aaaah…' He closed his eyes again and nodded.

'…of course…Rosmerta. How long has she been under the Imperius Curse?' I was astonished but I hid it well. Instead I plastered a snarl on my face.

'Got there at last, have you?' but then I heard another shrieking yell from below and I looked over my shoulder, wondering…

'So poor Rosmerta was forced to lurk in her own bathroom and pass that necklace to any Hogwarts student who entered the room unaccompanied? And the poisoned mead…well, naturally, Rosmerta was able to poison it for you before she sent the bottle to Slughorn, believing that it was to be my Christmas present…yes, very neat…very neat…poor Mr Filch would not, of course, think to check a bottle of Rosmerta's…tell me, how have you been communicating with Rosmerta? I thought we had all methods of communication in and out of the school monitored.' Yes, very neat. My mind whirled. Another scream, ear piercing. I pretended to not hear it.

'Enchanted coins' I said, compelled to tell Dumbledore everything. "Spineless Maggot" the sneering, slinky, voice said for the second time in my life. My heart thundered. It was the part of me that thought I was trying to delay my mission and even though I glared and replied nastily, my wand shook uncontrollably in my clammy hand. 'I had one and she had the other and I could send her messages-'

'Isn't that the secret method of communication the group that called themselves Dumbledore's Army used last year?' he asked conversationally, lightly, as if he didn't care that I was about to kill him…

'Yeah, I got the idea for them,' I felt my smile twist and the little snide voice in my head approve. 'I got the idea of poisoning the mead from the Mudblood Granger, as well; I head her talking in the library about Filch not recognising potions…'

'Please do not use that offensive word in front of me,' Dumbledore said and I laughed harshly. It was a crude laugh even to my ears.

'You care about me saying "Mudblood" when I'm about to kill you?"

"Yes, I do,'

He wasn't tall and imposing and in the least bit threatening to me. He was weak, powerless and he was struggling to not slouch. 'But as for being about to kill me, Draco, you have had several long minutes now. We are quite alone. I am more defenceless than you can have dreamed of finding me, and still you have not acted…' "Exactly, you idiot. Worthless. Why haven't you killed him? You have had every opportunity. Pathetic.'

'Now, about tonight,' he went on, 'I am a little puzzled about how it happened…you knew that I had left the school? But of course,' The answer had been on the tip of my tongue, eagerly ready to keep on stalling.

'Rosmerta saw me leaving, she tipped you off using your ingenious coins, I'm sure…'

'That's right. But she said you were just going for a drink, you'd be back…' He hadn't come back and I had become momentarily mystified and tangled with nerves because tonight would be the night, and Dumbledore needed to be lured here.

'Well, I certainly did have a drink…and I came back…after a fashion. So you decided to spring a trap for me?'

'We decided to put the Dark Mark over the Tower and get you to hurry up over here, to see who'd been killed. And it worked!' He had his time and my mind had fleetingly wondered what was making him take his time, but the Dark Mark…oh yes…it lured the tool to his death trap.

'Well…yes and no…but I am to take it, then, that nobody has been murdered?' Was that concern in his eyes? Ha.

'Someone's dead. One of your people…I don't know who, it was dark…I stepped over a body…I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way…' Scathingly, I remembered dear cousin Nymphadora. Images of what life might have been like in different circumstances whirled forth, of me growing up with the coloured haired witch and knowing who all of my family were. Family meant nothing. That was made abundantly clear to me, as Bellatrix killed her cousin ruefully and my mother never spoke of Andromeda. Family was a label, and your true family were the people you made your family.

'Yes, they do that.'

I heard a bang. I heard shrieks and cries and the shouts were louder, more ear shattering…

'There is little time, one way or another. So let us discuss your options, Draco' I stared at him. He had the audacity to think I had options!

'My options!' I'm standing here with a wand - I'm about to kill you -'

'My dear boy, let us have no more pretense about that. If you were going to kill me you would have done it when you first Disarmed me, you would not have stopped for this pleasant chat about ways and means.'

I suddenly felt hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless.

'I haven't got any options! And I've got to do it! He'll kill me! He'll kill my whole family!' I felt…I was…hysterical.

'I appreciate the difficulty of your position,' he said and he was now peering at me so intensely yet not unkindly that I felt very much under his radar. 'Why else do you think I have not confronted you before now? Because I knew that you would have been murdered if Lord Voldemort realised that I suspected you.' The sound of his name pierced me like a knife. But desperation plagued me.

'I did not dare speak to you of the mission with which I knew you had been entrusted, in case he used Legilimency against you. But now at last we can speak plainly to each other…no harm has been done, you have hurt nobody, through you are very lucky that your intentional victims survived…I can help you, Draco.' He could help me? No one could. I finally saw as I stood before him with the green Dark Mark still glimmering strongly above us that I would not murder Albus Dumbledore. Not because I wouldn't but because I couldn't. I was not a killer, just as Dumbledore had said.

"Spineless…" the voice tried to press but it was strangely weaker…I was resisting. I would not become that person, but no one could help me now, and I would have to run away…but he would find me…and kill me. My heart was beating so fast it was as if it thought it was about to die, and wanted to get its last beasts in before its death.

'No, you can't.' My wand my shaking very badly, I knew. My hand was sweaty and sticky. 'Nobody can. He told me to do it or he'll kill me. I've got no choice.' No choice but to die because I can't kill you.

'Come to the right side, Draco, and we can hide you more completely than you can possibly imagine. What is more, I can send members of the Order to your mother tonight to hide her likewise. Your father is safe at the moment in Azkaban…when the time comes we can protect him too…come over to the right side, Draco…you are not a killer…' I was not a killer. For the first time, someone was offering me a…choice. A real choice. I had felt like I had never had a choice, ever. I was born into this family with a mother from a family obsessed with blood purity and the Dark Lord and a father who was a Death Eater. Had anyone ever said, 'Hey, Draco…come over to our side?' No, they hadn't. But now…Dumbledore was. And the offer was more tempting than anything, I dared to almost kiss freedom with my lips and taste it.

I stared at him. I was still hesitant, and I thought of how far I had come, on my own.

'But I got this far, didn't I? They thought I'd die in the attempt, but I'm here…and you're in my power…I'm the one with the wand…you're at my mercy…'

'No, Draco. It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now.' I felt my mouth drop and my stomach do a summersault and speech was suddenly inconceivable. To my complete horror I saw Amycus and Alecto before me. They were laughing wheezily and it sickened me.

I stood there paralysed by shock. I knew they were speaking, but it could have been in a different language for I was so wrapped up in my mixture of feelings. My shock, my disgust…everything he had said to me kept repeating in my head, over and over again. He could hide and mother…I would not die. His offer lingered before me, utterly tantalizing but desperation was still all that consumed. If the Order had won, I knew I would have become a turncoat to the Death Eaters and Snape and the Dark Lord…but mother and I would be alive. That was a fantasy that would never come true. The Death Eaters had won and I glanced at the Dark Mark in the sky, and it's looming aura of terror.

Reducto! REDUCTO!' and a voice rasped 'Now, Draco, quickly!' but my wand shook so pitifully badly.

'I said no! the voice shouted again as Greyback looked about to pounce on Dumbledore and I looked at him the frail, defeated, old man with wide eyes. Greyback was flown out of the way.

Someone was speaking to me but I was frozen. The door to the ramparts swung open and Snape appeared, and I feared the worst. Snape would kill Dumbledore and he would get the glory…and the Dark Lord would kill me for my failure. He was merciless and yet Dumbledore, about to die, was merciful. It was twisted. I was twisted, we all were and it was a twisted, obscure world.

'Severus…' Dumbledore unexpectedly spoke, very softly but clearly and the Carrows rasping ceased, Greyback's huffing and heavy breathing quietened. Silence filled the tower like a climatic conclusion to a play or a story. But this was no play or story. This was hideously real. Snape walked towards me, pushed me roughly out the way.

'Severus…please…'

It was absurd. I had deluded myself into thinking I would kill Dumbledore, who was I to feel ashamed?

But I did feel ashamed and I did feel conflicted. Dumbledore didn't plead. Dumbledore didn't grovel. Did he?

'Avada Kedavra' the very green light I hadn't been able to produce zoomed out of Snape's wand and hit Dumbledore's chest and he crumpled in that very instant, felt backwards and out of sight. Dumbledore was dead.

Adrenalin ran though me furiously and my head hurt. My heart pounded and my stomach jolted uncomfortably. My hands were tingly and my body was riddled with nerves. There was no time to think about it, though. I was yanked by Snape and together we ran for our very lives in a heated flurry. The people who dwelt here, against the Dark Lord, were skilled and talented. And when they discovered their beloved headmaster was dead, they would become incredibly more skilled and talented and if they cornered us, they would have no mercy on us. They would be overcome with an explosive mixture of raw sadness and blazing hot fury.

We ran like we had never run before and I hazily thought how hilarious it would once have seemed for composed Snape to run this hard…it was a startling realization, even to me, that warm blood ran through his veins and his own heart was pumping harder than ever…adrenalin surged through even him. I shook my head and decided to not think about anything and only focus on the pounding of my feet and the determination to run faster, as we pelted down the staircase and sped towards the doors and into the grounds. It was night time, I knew that much, because it was black out but this time I didn't bother glancing up to see if there were stars or a moon out. What a ridiculous notion to even consider.

I followed after Snape in a flurry, worried that I would lose him. I heard 'Stupefy!' being shouted by the voice none other than Saint Potter and I craned my head, to find, sure enough, Potter hot on our tail. Panic shot through me and I knew the same panic was pounding through Snape because he shouted in a uncharacteristically shrill voice, 'Run, Draco!' I ran, and I didn't look back but I knew Snape was now cornered by Potter. My legs pounded the ground and the further I got, the more I wondered if Snape would be make it.

Of course, he will. He's not the Dark Lord's favourite for no reason. He just killed Dumbledore. His ability is unquestionable…"

But then I thought about Potter and despite my hatred of him, I knew he was also very able and very upset above his beloved Dumbledore's death… of course, it would be an explosive mixture, especially from Potter…

I gulped. But Snape knew magic that not even the Dark Lord knew…and yet, the Dark Lord had not only been unable to kill Dumbledore, he had been unable to kill Potter, as a mere baby, too. Why?

I stopped for a moment and turned around. Potter was throwing jinxes at Snape who, with absurd ease, kept throwing them off. Snape would make it here, so I sprinted onwards towards the exists and finally made it. I waited for Snape outside the colossal rustic gates overlooking the rocky edges and the Great Lake and I panted and clutched the gates for support, heart still thumping. I gaped for oxygen as if I had run around the Quidditch Pitch on a brisk morning and closed my eyes with my head resting on the cold gate. "You are not a killer, Draco" consumed by head and images flickered in my mind of Dumbledore's last moments and even the intense peering of his eyes. I saw his eyes inside my head. And it unnerved me.

I opened my eyes and I gasped as if I had woken up from a nightmare to have the Dark Lord hovering beside my bed. Snape was on the other side of the fence, gasping for breath as hard as I had been.

'Was…Potter…very…upset?' I panted.

'Of…of course he was. I killed his…his mentor. His precious Dumbledore' he replied and walked to the other side of the gate, shutting in gently and it clanged shut.

We both looked at scene from afar together, of a castle…our home, under siege and Hagrid hut on fire and Fang's wails could be heard from here. We apparated and I didn't know if I would ever see Hogwarts, the home we all treasured, ever again. I knew what was waiting at my home, Malfoy Manor, and I wished I had been able to accept Dumbledore's offer to hide mother and me more completely than imaginable. What a tormenting dream. We apparated smack right in the middle of my living room and I felt my stomach twist in disgust at my families living room being used like this…with a huddle of black cloaks circled around the face I had been snake like, candle-wax face I had been dreading. Lips curled into a smirk, and euphoria danced in his red eyes. It happened before I could stop it. "You are not a killer" seared through my mind. Not a killer. Not a killer. I was many things, I was a coward, I was insatiable, I was whimsical and too changeable…I was cruel and I was weak but I was not a killer.

I cleared my head and blocked my mind instantly and although it was a struggle to quench my turbulent emotions, I focused on nothingness and being completely numb and dead inside.

I was cold.