Set: A fire nation jail; much like the one Ozai is currently being pent up in. Azula sits inside; Ty Lee is (attempting) to feed her hot frothy tea; Zuko is staring at Mai, who is staring at nothing in particular.
Ty Lee: C'mon, Azula, the tea will warm your soul!
Azula: I don't wanna warm my stupid soul…stupid Ty Lee…stupid…
Ty Lee: Hey--Azula, don't touch that! Mai, why did you give her a shuriken?
Mai: I thought she'd find it amusing…I sure do.
Ty Lee (muttering): One day, Mai…you are going to become the worst parent in the world…
(Silence for awhile. Azula finally takes the teacup and smashes it over Ty Lee's head.)
Zuko: Aren't we supposed to do the show?
Mai: Yeah, um, look how the last show turned out. (She holds up the hem of her dress and her sleeve, revealing burns and scars lovingly applied by Azula.)
Ty Lee: I think we should do the show--maybe it'll boost Azula's spirits.
Azula: stupid teacup…stupid shuriken…mehhhh…
(A random postman enters.)
Postman: LETTER! LETTER! LETTER! LETTER! LETTER--
Mai/Zuko: SHUT UP!
Ty Lee: Hey, we got a letter for the show! It's an omen that we should continue!
Mai: Do what you want, I don't care anymore.
Zuko/Ty Lee: Yippee!
Dear Zuko,I love it when you act like a dork. (oh, and you should get a replacment for Azula, ha).SarySoda
Zuko: Pssh! What does this person know? I never act like a dork!
Azula: …what…?!…Why in the world would I be replaced? I'm perfectly fine!
Mai: You're in jail, retard.
Azula: SO? We're doing the show, aren't we?
Zuko: True dat.
Mai: Zuko--y'know, you do act like a dork!
Zuko: GET ME A PEN!
Dear SarySoda,
When have I ever acted like a dork, huh? WHEN? You know what; no--I'm just gonna take this calmly, sanely--
Ty Lee: Mai, stop giving people knives!
(Zuko grunts, rubs his bloody wrist and hands Mai back her shuriken.)
--ANYWAY. I am NOT a dork! I just so happen to be one of the cooliest characters to ever even be on Avatar. I mean, HELLO, I'm a fire bender/sword-weilder/prince/refugee/smokin' hot dude! What is there not to love? You know what--YOU'RE the one who's being the dork. cries
Oh, by the way, dork (ha), Azula has a little something to say…
P.S. FROM AZULA: Although I do not agree about being replaced, I do agree with you that Zuko is the biggest dork ever to live. I love it when he acts like an idiot, too. In comparing these two biting remarks of yours, I can't decide whether to destroy you or embrace you into the club of friendship. But it doesn't really matter, anyway, AS LONG AS I'M BEHIND THESE BARS.
Lots of Love, Azula & Zuko
Zuko: Why'd you sign it "lots of love"? Didn't my reply clearly illustrate that I do not love that Soda-Pepsi-Sucker Guy--
Ty Lee: Hey! I think we've got ourselves another letter!
Zuko,What ever happened the night that you almost died because of Zhao? I thinkyou entered a limbo.Did you have a secret thing with Sokka?Haru's mustache: stupid or sexy?Lady Juse
Mai: Yeesh, its like nobody has questions for anybody other than Zuko
Zuko: I'm popular, is why. Pen!
Azula: …tch…popular…I used to be popular, before…
Dear Lady Juse,
I almost died a lot of nights because of Zhao. And I don't think that I should talk about any of them, because I'm still pretty pissed about the stuff that was interrupted--
Mai: giggles
Ty Lee: Wait…hey, I just remembered something…Zuko, when you were off finding the Avatar at first, Mai left on a long journey, too…
Zuko: Uh…that was because…um…
Ty Lee: Come to think of it, Mai returned when Azula first found you. Azula, do you have anything to say on that?
Azula: What, other than the fact that Mai stowed away on Zuko's ship and--
Mai/Zuko: AZULA!!
Azula: …hehe…
--and so yeah. Instead, I'll talk about how awesome it felt when Zhao died. Didn't you enjoy that? I certainly enjoyed that. He was all, "WHOAAAA, DUDE, WHOAAAA" and I was like, "HEY, DUDE, I'LL TOTALLY SAVE YOUR LIFE EVEN THOUGH I HATE YOU JUST TO SHOW THAT MY CHARACTER HAS A HEART" and then he totally ruined the plotline and thus I was seen as a heartless maniac once again.
About the secret thing with Sokka--
Mai (flipping a razor-sharp shuriken around her fingers): Yes, Zuko darling, why don't you tell us if you had an achem secret thing with that water tribe boy…?
Ty Lee: Haha, I was talking with Suki from the Kyoshi girls, and she told me of the time when Sokka was in the tent with the roses, then Zuko came in…and…dissolves into giggles
Mai: Really?
Zuko: Wha--WHAT? The beeyotch TOLD you that? Mai--wait, no, Mai, it was a misunderstanding, I didn't do--OW! Jeez, Mai, you're so reactive; nothing happened, Ty--OW! Ty Lee is just trying to OMG MAI OWWW!! To fool with us!! …moans
Mai: Oh. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
Ty Lee: Mai, seriously, your kid someday--he or she is gonna have a horrible life, you know that right?
Zuko: I…I don't think Mai's gonna have a kid after THIS little affair…moans some more
Mai: Tch
Azula: …Mr. Pattycake, meet Mrs. Butterworth. Together you shall rule the breakfast world…
--anyway, no, I totally did not have a secret thing with that water tribe peasant. And I love Mai dearly. So there.
Mai: Aww, really?
Zuko: Yes…I…I do.
(They make out for a good fifteen minutes. Azula is too busy dominating Sir Toast-A-Lot to vomit, and Ty Lee answers the next part of the question.)
Dear Lady Juse (this is Ty Lee): Haru is sexy. And his mustache is sexy. So that makes him double-sexy and yeah…sighhh…hay, can someone please send me a Haru Super Earthbending Action Figure? That I could love and hold and feed and play with and so he's alllll miiiiinnneee??
From Mai: Haru? Wait…wait, the kid with a mustache? I thought that was a girl…
From Zuko: I think that was the point of the mustache, to make him look less like a girl.
From Azula: Fly, Sir Toast-A-Lot, FLYYY!!
With Love, The Firenation Crew
Mai: Is that it?
Ty Lee: Uh, yeah. People aren't sending in many letters.
Zuko: Ooh! Maybe we could bribe them--like, y'know, I could offer to take off my shirt or something…
Ty Lee: Bribe me!
Mai: You two…I need better friends.
Zuko: Well, FINE. Go get better friends. I was just kidding. Gawsh.
Mai: Maybe I will.
Zuko: Maybe you should.
Mai: I still love you, yah know.
Zuko: C'mere, baby!
(More makeout scenes. Azula, distracted, looks up from her piece of toast.)
Azula: What…oh, jeez, why…this director is sick…
Ty Lee: Azula, they love each other. It's sweet! Laa!
Azula: T-Ty Lee, I think I'm gonna--
Ty Lee (covered in Royal Vomit): that's the end of Episode Two. But seriously, if you wanna see me go crazy some more--and perhaps watch Ty Lee in an extravagant bimbo scene shudders--please, continue to send in letters. I mean, I have nothing better to do CONSIDERING I AM BEHIND BARS.