So You're a Vampire

by MOVED TO BOUNCING BEE

A guide to being a vampire! This guide takes you through eating habits, false myths, abilities, and a test to see if you're even a vampire! No returns unless you are a human who thought they were a vamp. Explore the wonders of being immortal!

2. FAQ

So You're a Vampire: FAQ

Hello! I see you think you are a vampire! Our intro didn't scare you off? Good! Otherwise you would have just wasted 20. Now, the moment you have all been waiting for... The FAQ! Here we go, some of the basic questions asked by vampires, or humans being turned!

Q: I'm writhing in pain, and someone just bit me! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!

A: Calm down. Take a deep breath... not that you'll need it in three days. What am I talking about? You're becoming a vampire! Yay for you! Good thing you picked up this book. But I don't know how you're going to read it during your change... Anyways, in three days you'll be a vampire! Carnivorous or vegetarian? We suggest veggie! (Not because we're human or anything...) A vegetarian diet consists of large, predatory animals. And a side dish of deer and such.

Q: What the heck is a veggie vampire?

A: Read the first question, dunderhead.

Q: I don't have fangs! What gives?

A: Vampires don't have fangs. I take it that you were a big Dracula fan or something? Yeah. For the record...

-Vampires DO NOT have fangs.

-Vampires DO NOT burn in the sun. They sparkle.

-Vampires DO NOT turn everyone they bite into vampires. Most of the time they just murder them, by sucking them dry.

-Vampires DO NOT sleep in coffins. They can't sleep, so take that into consideration before committing to vampirism.

-Vampires ARE gorgeous. Most of the time.

-Vampires eyes ARE red or topaz. Depends on your diet. Pick a copy of Twilight for further information.

Q: How do I know you aren't just some crackpot who believes everything she reads?

A: You don't! I could be your mother for all you know! HA! But, why did you buy this book if you didn't believe me, hmm? This book isn't available is libraries, so you MUST believe me to waste 20. Just keep reading... I will have you convinced by the end of this crazy journey.

Q: I'm about to be eaten by a vampire! What do I do?

A: Beg for forgiveness? Ask them to spare you by turning you? Why are you asking this question if you're about to be eaten by a vampire? How are you even going to read this answer if you're about to be eaten by a vampire? Psh, you're pulling my leg, aren't you? BE ASHAMED.

Q: Is this chapter over yet?

A: Yes. Yes it is.