Chandler
The plastic wrap on the bouquet crinkled when my hand squeezed around the stems of the flowers. We were all sitting jammed into our pretty big Volvo. Emma had called shotgun and was sitting next to Monica, whose hands were gripping the steering wheel a bit too firmly. Erica and Jack had jumped into the trunk of the car and were constantly ducking so no one would see them. I was sitting in between Phoebe and Joey in the backseat, squeezing flower stems wrapped in cellophane and sweating in my coat.
"Dude," Joey said. "You're looking kind of hot."
"Gee, I wonder why," I said and got a warning glance from Monica. Crack a joke and we'll be visiting your grave next year. We were getting closer to the cemetery, so close we could see the vast amount of headstones lining up towards the horizon. Last time I was there I would have thought it impossible, but it looked even more grisly than usual. Emma sighed and started folding her hands nervously. Monica put a soothing hand on her shoulder.
"You'll be fine," she said, but sounded a bit choked up herself.
The car doors echoed across Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Cemetery. I put my arm around Monica's shoulders and gave her a peck on the top of her head. She snuffled quietly and took a tissue out of her pocket. Erica and Jack walked behind the rest of us, pushing each other playfully and throwing teasing comments at one another. Monica snapped at them. Keep messing around and we'll have two extra graves to visit next year.
Emma was walking quietly next to Joey, holding his hand. There was a tension in the air that wasn't normally there when we went on our annual visit to Ross and Rachel's graves. Usually we would huddle up and whisper our memories of the two. Remember how Ross would always… And how Rachel went crazy when… Today was different. The only whisper that was heard was the faint rustle of the paper bag Phoebe was carrying. 10 years can do that – it can change anything; it will change everything.
It was a gray day outside, and the raindrops threatened to fall at any moment. We stopped at the two headstones that we all knew by heart; every bump, every curve, every nook and cranny. Ross and Rachel's name carved in stone, their birth dates and the day of the accident. The day they died. Under their names stood the usual "Rest in Peace" and the words hit me as hard every time. Every year I had the same surreal feeling. There was a time in my life when we all seemed immortal to me – surely we would never die. And then two of us were gone, just like that.
"Let's light the candles," Phoebe said and wiped a tear off her cheek. She took the two candles out of the paper bag. "Shoot, I forgot to bring matches," she mumbled and rummaged through her pockets.
"Here, use this," I said and handed her a lighter. Monica looked at me. "Do you really want to do this now?" She shrugged, and I knew I'd bought myself a few hours. Anniversary of brother's death or not, I always got a good scolding if she suspected I'd been smoking.
We stood lined up in front of their headstones; Phoebe, Joey, Emma, Monica, myself. Erica and Jack were only five when it happened, and they mainly came along because Monica and I told them to. They didn't much like huddling up with us when we talked about days gone by, and would only stay for the lighting of the candle. They had long since hurried back to the car.
The five of us must have looked like statues were we stood. Nobody knew what to do next. We were all waiting for Emma's reaction. Finally, Phoebe broke the silence.
"Huddle?" she said. We all looked at Emma, who was staring blankly at the graves. Her face was unreadable.
"Emma?" Joey said and squeezed her shoulder. Emma bit her lower lip.
"Maybe we should go home," Monica suggested, but Emma protested.
"The huddle is the one good thing about this day," she said. "So let's huddle."
We all moved together and stood in a circle, arms over each other's shoulders, our breaths like white smoke. One by one we went round, remembering what had once been. Emma only listened. She didn't like talking about her memories of Ross and Rachel, so we didn't make her.
"They weren't really on a break though," Monica whispered and smiled carefully, watching to see our reactions. We were all watching Emma. Emma smiled.
"Come on, Mon," Joey said. "Rachel even said it."
"Of course you would take the man's side," Phoebe said.
"Who goes out and finds a one night stand only a few hours after your girlfriend told you she wanted to take a break? How is that going to help him win her back?"
"Suppose you're right…" Joey murmured.
"Do you think they would have stayed together if he hadn't…?" Phoebe whispered.
"Maybe, maybe not. They were unpredictable, the two of them." Monica sighed.
"Unpredictable," I repeated. "Unpredictable is probably an understatement. Remember the leather pants? And the excessively bleached teeth? Or the overdone spray-on tan that was only on one side?"
"Spray-on tan… Pfft," Joey said.
"You're one to talk," I said. "Remember the eyebrows? You couldn't even stand the 'pain'."
"Don't make me remind you who plucked them," Joey warned. Emma laughed. An old couple a close to us stared at us disapprovingly. How dare they laugh when they're at a cemetery?
"We should probably leave," I said and added, loud enough for the elderly couple to hear, "I hear cemeteries aren't the place for remembering people you love and miss."
Emma giggled and we all straightened our backs to leave. Joey instinctively grabbed Emma's hand and kissed her on the top of her head, I leaned the flowers against the headstones and we all murmured a silent goodbye. Then we walked side by side, arm in arm, back to our Volvo. As soon as the doors were closed, we all breathed a sigh of relief. The worst part of the day was over. At least, that's what we thought.
"I have to leave, I promised Mike I would be home an hour ago," Phoebe said and stood up. We were all sitting at Central Perk, this also a yearly ritual. Now that everyone except Joey, who lived in the same apartment he had once shared with me, lived in the world of suburbia, we rarely met up for coffee and muffins at our favorite café.
"Do you have to go, Aunt Phoebe?" Emma said. "I'm sure Uncle Mike won't mind if you stay a little while longer."
"Oh, I think he will mind," Phoebe said. "I'm sorry, Emma, but I have to go. Mike has had the kids alone all day. They must be driving him mad." She smiled apologetically.
"Fine," Emma pouted. "Tell Uncle Mike I missed him today."
"You know he wanted to be here," Phoebe said and kissed Emma on her cheek. "See you guys later."
"Bye, Phoebs," we called out in unison as Phoebe walked the few steps to the door and waved to us.
"I suppose we should get going to," Monica sighed. "I really do miss this place, though," she said.
"I think we all do," I said.
"I don't want to leave," Emma said and pouted some more.
"I don't want you guys to leave," Joey said and pouted with Emma.
"Can I stay at Uncle Joey's tonight?" Emma asked.
"You have school tomorrow, Emma," Monica said. I nodded in agreement.
"So? I'll get up early and take the subway or something," Emma pleaded.
"Not negotiable, Emma," Monica said. "No sleepovers on school nights, even if it is only at Joey's place."
"Listen to your aunt," I said and scored some points. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time explaining the lighter in my jacket pocket later on tonight.
"Please, Monica," Emma said. "I promise I'll… I'll do the dishes every night for the rest of the month!"
"You obviously don't know Monica," Joey murmured.
"I'm sure you can stay over during the weekend," Monica said.
"Monica, it's not a problem for me, I can bring her to school in the morning," Joey said.
"Please, Monica," Emma pleaded again. "Pretty please with sugar on top?"
"Fine," Monica said with faux-exasperation and smiled. "But only for tonight. But you have to let me clean your room."
"Hey, nobody's stopping you," Emma said and smiled. "Thanks, Monica, you're the best."
"Oh, you," Monica grinned. "I am the best, aren't I?"
"We should go home to the twins," I said. "They've had too much freedom today."
"I'll just go to the bathroom," Monica said. "See you tomorrow, sweetie." She kissed Emma goodnight and headed for the bathroom.
"I'm going to go upstairs, so," Emma said and stood up. "Are you coming, Joey?"
"I just want to talk to Chandler, I'll be up in a second," Joey said.
"What's up, Joe?" I said when Emma had left.
"I'm going to tell her tonight," he said.
"Are you crazy? You can't tell her! Not now!" I said in a high pitched voice.
"She has a right to know."
"Of course she does, and she will know, when the time comes," I said.
"Now is as good a time as any," Joey argued.
"I don't really think the tenth anniversary of Ross and Rachel's death is the best time to tell her."
"I guess you're right. But," he said, "I think she kind of senses it, you know? She's a smart kid."
"Yes, something that definitely argues against her having any of your genes in her." I rolled my eyes. "Look, I think you should wait. At least until we've talked some more."
"What's there to talk about? If there's a chance that she's my daughter…"
"What about Monica and me?" I said. "We've taken care of her all these years, and don't get me wrong, I love her, but she's like a daughter to us, too. She means so much to Monica. It wouldn't be fair to tell her anything if Monica isn't going to be there with her."
"I guess you're right," Joey said again.
"It's not like we know for sure that she's yours," I continued. "Even though she looks more like Rachel, I still see Ross in her. I think there's a reason why Rachel chose to tell the world Ross was the father. I think Rachel kind of sensed that that's how it was."
"I suppose so," Joey said. "But there's just this connection between us, you know?"
"I know, everyone sees it, Joe," I tried to smile. "But that doesn't necessarily mean you're her father."
"I don't know, man," Joey said with a thoughtful face. "I have a hunch that she's mine. She's my daughter, alright."