Disclaimer: I hereby retroactively disclaim chapter one. Oopsies. The only character I own is the charming Xander and sadly, he's not even in this chapter. The rest of the characters belong to Janet Evanovich. And I'm still not making any money…

Thanks as always to Alf, my loyal beta.

My Frenemy

The one frickin' time I have to go to the doctor for a 'guy problem', and I get this porn star looking PA? Is there no God? Maybe she's just going to check my vitals.

I extended my arm so that she could slide on the nonexistent blood pressure cuff. She simply arched her brow at me. Damn she was hot.

She cleared her throat and looked back at the chart. "Mr. Santos. It says here that you are being seen today for a possible STD?"

Oh, come on! There is no way she'll ever consider hooking up with me now. Even if the tests come back clean, the fact that I thought there was a possibility that I had crotch rot would surely relegate me to the top of her sexual 'don't' list.

I slouched in my paper gown and looked at the floor. "Yeah, uh…you know. Maybe it's just jock itch. You know, I work out a lot…" I peered up without lifting my head. You know, that George Clooney thing. Chicks usually dig it.

She gracefully lowered herself onto her wheeled stool, crossed her gorgeous gams and started flipping through my chart.

"Sexually active?"

I snorted. "Well, I don't exactly just lay there."

She gave me a blank look. Which, I might add was very hot. She had this glasses/hair in a bun librarian thing going on and she looked like she needed a good hard fu-

"Number of sexual partners?"

"This week?"

She said nothing, just set about scribbling notes in my chart. Damn her hands looked soft. I could just see them wrapped around my-

"When was your last HIV test?"

Boy, she was a killjoy. "I have one every six months. My partner talked me into taking them seriously. He gets tested twice a year so I thought it made sense for me too."

She continued scribbling notes and her succulent lips pursed slightly at my answer. "So are you and your partner monogamous and do both of you wear condoms when you have sexual relations with each other?"

What? Ah, fuck. "I'm so not gay. He's like…my partner, as in, we work together. I mean, we play together too…shit. I mean, you know, we might date the same girl at the same time. And by date, I mean…we both use condoms…uh, mostly. But we don't use them on each other because there's no guy touching…unless something slips…shit. I'm not gay."

More scribbling. This can't be good. "So what are your symptoms?"

I looked down at the floor again. It was frickin' cold in the room and between the temperature and her 'I'm not judging you, but I really am' attitude, I was experiencing major shrinkage. Surely she was going to have to take a gander at my dick. You know, a guy doesn't really want to have a hard-on in a doctor's office, but he doesn't exactly want to be on display when his little fella is playing turtle either.

I tried to adjust myself nonchalantly in order to get a little blood flow action going and said, "A slight burning sensation when I pi-uh, urinate. And I feel like I have to go a lot…only when I go, not much comes out." Why couldn't I have the old fart geriatric doctor with eyebrows that look like fun fur?

She said nothing, just turned around and washed her hands for an ungodly amount of time. After thoroughly drying her hands, she pulled on latex gloves with a sharp snap that both frightened and aroused me on. She stepped in front of the exam table and asked me to lie down. She pressed here and there on my abdomen and I made sure to contract my abs so she could appreciate the definition.

She dropped her hands and sighed. "Mr. Santos, you're 'guarding'."

"Do what?"

"You're 'guarding'. It's a protective reflex that indicates pain when pressure is applied on any of the four sections of the abdomen. Is my examination causing pain? Or are you flexing?"

"Uh…well, I am a little tender now that you mention it."

She shook her head and turned to pull the rolling tray closer to the exam table. As she prepared some slides, she asked, "Did you leave a urine sample before you came back to the exam room?"

I swallowed hard as she turned toward me with a grossly long cotton swab and singular intent in her eye. "Yes ma'am," I whispered.

She then proceeded to insert the tip of-Ohmyfuckinggodthat'sinhumangivingbirthcan'tbethispainfulI'mnevergoingtofuckagain!

What's she doing down there sharpening a pencil?!…Oh God…oh Jesus…I want my mommy…

After she finished violating my person, she snapped my gown back down and set about fixing the slides.

Once done, she peeled off her gloves and began her lecture peering at me from the top of her very hot horn rimmed glasses. I might have appreciated them if she hadn't just roto rootered my dick. "Most likely you have a urinary tract infection at the very least. They are not as common among men because of the length of the urinary tract-"

I waggled my brows at her…perhaps I didn't have as much shrinkage as I thought!

"Mr. Santos, even a man with a two inch penis would have 'more urinary tract' than a woman. Two inches more urinary tract to be exact."

Oh, come on, that ain't no two inches! "Go on."

"As I said, if you have a urinary tract infection, we'll know for sure in a few minutes when your urinalysis is complete. I've done a few smears to test for other STD's including a test for yeast. You can contract a yeast infection from a partner that has a yeast infection and experience no symptoms. You need to use a condom every time. Conversely, using condoms with Nonoxynol 9 does cause yeast infections in some men who have a sensitivity to the spermicide. There is also a strain of yeast that can result from penile contact with e coli. That's a risk you run with unprotected anal sex . If you participate in anal sex…"

I just pretty much blocked the rest of it out. My pee-pee hole was throbbing, and in my mind she was saying, "You are a dirty, filthy man and your penis will likely fall off in a week to ten days. I'm taking an ad out in the paper and you'll never get laid in this town again."

She stood and took her attitude and my dick shavings with her. Good riddance. I slid off the table, ripped off my paper gown and shoved it in the biohazard container. I looked down at my dick.

"What am I going to do with you? I thought we were friends. Well this is the last time I listen to you. You need to think about getting a new hobby. Do you have any hobbies?"

I grabbed my dick like a puppet, waggled it around and in a falsetto voice said, "I collect mold, spores and bacteria!"

The door clicked open mid waggle and a nurse stepped in with a handful of prescriptions. She froze in the doorway eyeing me warily while I had a conversation with my shlong. She squeaked and ducked back out, slamming the door behind her.

Perfect. Just absofuckinlutely perfect.