Disclaimer: The only character I own is Xander. The rest belong to JE. I make no money from these fine examples of literature *snort* but your wonderful reviews sure leave me warm and fuzzy!

A/N: Written in response to Katbaby's Double Dog Dare…Katbaby has an evil streak! Thanks as always to the amazing Alfonsina.d; beta extraordinaire, professional Tart and all around good friend.

Jerseygirlinoxford: 'Holy crap through a straw' is for you!

Couplehood

Leaning against the wall, I scanned my surroundings. I've long since gotten used to strobe lights and fog effects and they didn't impair my ability to visualize my prey in the least. I've been on night missions in the jungles of Columbia, for Christ sakes. Reconnaissance in a nightclub is a piece of cake.

Xander approached and handed me a fresh beer before taking a swig of his own. "See anything promising?"

I shrugged. I did and I didn't. There were plenty of beautiful, scantily clad honeys on the floor tonight, bumping and grinding to the industrial house music, but no one who stood out as special. I'm not exactly here looking for a bride, but month after month of mindless debauchery with bleached blondes with breasts that didn't jiggle was starting to lose its appeal. And I'm getting a little tired of having sex with Xander.

Okay, that didn't come out right. I'm getting tired of threesomes with Xander. Don't get me wrong; I think ménage is a beautiful thing. But week after week, even the most depraved sex acts can become routine. You'll just have to trust me on this.

In addition to the monotony, I'm more than a little disturbed at how intimately I've come to know Xander. No guy should know first hand what his buddy's 'o' face looks like. I shouldn't really know, down to the minute, how long Xander can last, or be privy to the fact that he likes to have the backs of his knees licked. And his verbal repertoire? Jesus. Does he kiss his mother with that mouth?

I took a long swig of my beer and said, "Don't you think this is getting kind of old?"

Xander frowned down at his own beer, turned it this way and that and appeared to be reading the bottle. His lips were moving.

He held up his bottle to my face and with his huge finger, pointed at a part of the label. "Say's here the 'born on date is-"

I knocked the bottle out of my face and some of the beer foamed and sloshed onto Xander's hand. "Not the beer, you idiot, this whole scene."

Xander looked around the club, grinning when he saw a tiny redhead grinding her ass into the pelvis of the voluptuous brunette. He turned his head back to me and his stupid ass dimple appeared in his cheek as he smiled. "Nope."

I waved my hand in the general direction of the dance floor and said, "It's all yours."

He looked like he was contemplating jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a little girl. "I get to pick our chick for tonight?"

I shook my head. "You get to pick your chick for tonight. I think I'm gonna take off."

I handed my beer to Xander and started to walk away, ignoring his hangdog expression. That's when I saw her. Day-um.

She was five foot nothing if you didn't account for her heels. Tiny. A spinner. But she had a body like a brick shit house. She was a perfectly proportioned hourglass. And speaking of spinning, when she twirled toward the bar, I got an eyeful of the most luscious ass I've ever seen. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Her skin was between a bronze and a cocoa and her silky black hair just brushed the top of her ass and curled up at the ends. Her shiny gold dress was very abbreviated and appeared to be in the design of two handkerchiefs sewn together. Which was convenient since I'm pretty sure if I got that dress off of her, I'd be weeping tears of joy and thanks to my Lord and Maker.

As if she sensed my scrutiny, she slowly turned around from her position at the bar and locked eyes with me. Even from twenty feet away, I could see her eyes were the most amazing shade of green. Her nose was slightly tilted up at the end and her lips were so full, they bordered on pornographic. Shit, little Lester has begun his launch sequence.

She started to walk my way in the loose-limbed, hip-swinging gate that women get when they're on the prowl. I couldn't see myself putting up much of a fight. Unless she wanted one. Perhaps I should lay down right here and make things easier for her.

I heard Xander whistle then whisper, "Come to daddy, sweet thang."

"Fuck off. She's mine."

Xander snorted. "We'll see."

She sauntered up and stopped a few inches in front of us. Her emerald eyes slowly coasted down and then back up my body, pausing briefly in the groin area. She smirked at me in the way a woman does when she knows something you don't. Hot damn.

Then she did the same exact thing to Xander, only she paused a little longer at his midsection. What was up with that? I'm nicely equipped!

I looked over at Xander and saw that he had hiked up his shirt so that she could see his navel piercing and one nipple piercing. What a fucking poser.

She smiled back at me and said, "Ready to go?"

That's what I'm sayin'. I stepped away from the wall, curved my arm around her waist and started to walk her briskly toward the nearest exit. Little Lester led the way. Not that he's little. I need to come up with a better name for him. Perhaps he and I will discuss it in the morning.

See, I just knew a woman of this caliber could sense that I was all the man she needed. Xander may have that tall, dark and cagey thing goin' on, but clearly my pores exude my raw animal magnetism. I've always believed if I could just bottle my pheromones-

She dug in her heels and we skidded to a halt. Looking back over her shoulder, she hollered to Xander, "Come on baby. We don't have all night!"

God hates me.

oOoOoOoOo

I leaned over in my fridge in no hurry to grab the bottle of water I came for. I needed the cool air to bring my body temperature down a couple of notches. Miss Thang was finally unconscious in my bedroom, and Xander kept climbing back into the bed even though I'd shoved him out three times and told him it was 'couch time'. I do have some boundaries. No threesomes in the shower. I don't shower with other men who have erections. And my bed only sleeps two. I had to implement this rule a month ago when I woke up with Xander's hand on my ass, squeezing it in his sleep.

Feeling a little cooler, I reached in the fridge to grab my water and heard the unmistakable sound of a gun's safety being disengaged. I froze.

Okay. I live in a Rangeman apartment and security was about two notches above that of Fort Knox. My intruder was also silent. That meant it was either Ranger or-

"Where is she?" Tank's deep voice sounded more ominous and deadly than I'd ever heard it.

I slowly stood upright only stopping when I felt the gun's cold muzzle at the back of my head. This was so not good.

My back still to him, I said, "Uh…who?"

"My fuckin' sister, you ass wipe!" he bellowed.

Okay. There must be some huge misunderstanding here because I know Tank's sister. She's like fourteen, built like a beach ball, and not only wears braces but also 'head gear'.

I slowly raised my hands up in a gesture of surrender, then just as slowly turned to face a very homicidal looking large black man. Holy crap through a straw. I've never been of the receiving end of Tank's intimidation mojo. Impressive.

"Dude. Put the gun down. Chloe isn't here."

Keeping his gun aimed at the center of my forehead, he said, "That's not the intelligence I received. From what I hear, she was seen leaving Dante's at 1247 hours and climbing into your vehicle."

"Dude. It wasn't Chloe. This chick is like half her size. And I gotta say, I don't remember Chloe being double jointed. This chick is like a contortionist."

Tanks left eye twitched and if I didn't know better, I would say that I saw steam come out of his nose. I was waiting for him to dig his hoof into the kitchen floor in preparation for my goring. I hope he didn't notice my red dishtowels.

"What kinda time warp you livin' in? The last time you saw her was six years ago, you dumb shit."

I ticked through my mental calendar. It took me a while. I'm a busy man. Huh. I guess it had been that long. But he couldn't be more wrong. I'd know Chloe. And I'd never bang a buddy's sister. That's against The Rules. I racked my brain to come up with something, anything to prove I was innocent and to diffuse Tank's anger.

I was just about to point out that our little sex priestess couldn't be his sister because Chloe had brown eyes just like Tank, and our little sex kitten's sultry eyes were green. That was when it dawned on me that nobody had eyes that green. They had to be contacts. Then I realized that if you subtracted seventy pounds, straightened the teeth…Oh shit. Fuck. I needed to get Tank out of here. It was one thing if he thought that I alone had slept with his sister. Quite another if he found out-

One moment I was standing naked in my kitchen being held at gunpoint by three hundred pounds of sputtering volcano. The next minute I was on the floor, head exploding, nauseated, and with the distinct impression that I had been cold cocked with the butt of a gun.

I felt something soft but scratchy land in little Lester's domain. I cracked an eye open and once I was accustomed to the overhead light stabbing into my brain, I realized someone had thrown an afghan to cover my groin. I rose up on one elbow, clutching my head and saw Ranger leaning against the kitchen doorframe.

In a low voice, he said, "Tank's a little worried about his sister. Know anything about that?"

Not sure if Tank was still in the apartment, I said, "No," but nodded my head 'yes'.

I saw Ranger's jaw tense and then his eyes shifted slightly to the hall. He pushed off the doorframe and stood over me with his arms crossed. "How 'bout I get you up to speed. Tank came here under the impression that you had his sister here for nefarious activities."

I said nothing. I know when to shut up. Mostly.

Ranger went on, "After Tank accidentally bumped you with his gun, he went to investigate your bedroom. He found a person of interest in your bed. Naked."

I nodded and said, "Hmmm." Stephanie would be so proud of me.

Ranger narrowed his eyes. "Are you sticking to your story?"

What story? I haven't said a word!

Ranger leaned down and hauled me up by one arm and frog marched me down the hall. Then he shoved me through the bedroom doorway, but his aim must have been a bit off because I sort of ran into the doorframe. My bad. We all know Ranger's a gentle man.

We both stood silently and stared down at the bed. Xander, in all his glory, was lying in the center of the bed, spread eagle. Little Xander was looking a little worse for wear as he was still wearing his turquoise custom raincoat. He's still a big fan of the Jolly Joe.

I walked into the room, found my jeans on the floor and stepped into them. I glanced around to see where the hell Chloe had gone but the room was empty of all evidence that she had been here.

Well, at least I get to live another day. Chloe must have heard Tank bellowing from the kitchen and somehow got the hell out of Dodge. I may have to pay off whoever was on monitors tonight, but all in all, life is good.

Again, Ranger said, "Are you still sticking to your story?"

Well, duh.

Ranger looked at me in speculation. "Did you change your stance on guy touching?"