Disclaimer: I only own Xander. All other characters belong to JE. I don't make any money from this endeavor, although after reading this, you may want to pay me to stop writing.

A/N: Please forgive me for this one. This is a long chapter…and you may not thank me for it! It was done under the influence of peer pressure. This was written in response to a challenge from Melody (Harmne). Melody is evil and shouldn't be allowed near a laptop. Rosaleen68 pre-read it and inquired as to how exactly this…thing could happen to Lester. I asked her to write the prologue and tell us. (I can be evil too!) Lastly, I'd like to thank Alf, my fabulous beta…who knows way too many dirty Spanish phrases!

Warnings: Language, smuttiness, language, idiocy, language, generally tackiness…and language. Also, I suppose I should warn you that this is completely unrealistic…whereas all of my other comedy writing is just mostly unrealistic.

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman

Prologue by Rosaleen68

Monitor duty was getting old, fast. Two solid weeks of it; anyone would think Tank had a grudge against us for some reason.

"I am so bored," I muttered as I watched a loop of empty corridors and locked doors.

"Mmm-hmm." Xander didn't take his eyes off his own set of monitors.

"Monitor duty sucks."

"Yep."

"Has Ella done the sandwich run yet? I'm hungry."

Xander shrugged, eyes fixed on the screen.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Xander kicked a sports bag under the desk over to me without looking up. "Chips. Help yourself."

I've known Xander a long time. Possibly too long. Nothing got in the way of Xander and chips. And he still hadn't taken his eyes off the monitors. "Let me get this straight. You're handing over your stash of chips?"

"Sure."

Something was up. But chips are chips, and the sandwiches weren't in yet. I reached into the sports bag and started rummaging.

My hand closed over something cold and heavy at the bottom of the bag. "What's this?" I pulled out a small stone statue of a faceless woman with pendulous titties hanging over a fat belly and a huge bootie sticking out behind. Not Xander's normal idea of a hot date. "Are you still carrying this thing around?"

Xander turned and looked at me for the first time. "It's my good luck charm."

"Good luck charm my ass. You just bought it to get lucky with the chick selling it."

"Hell yeah. And it worked. I told you, good luck charm."

"So have you had good luck since?"

Xander furrowed his brow, thinking. "There was that blonde chick last week."

How could I forget? "The one that gave us both the clap."

"The cheerleader we picked up in the Irish bar."

"That stole your wallet."

"And the hot one with the tongue stud the week before that."

"Which got caught up with your prince albert." I'd never heard a man scream like that before.

Xander winced. "Did you have to remind me about that? In fact, you keep that thing. I don't want it anymore."

"Not a chance. She's all yours."

Xander ignored my outstretched hand with his creepy stone woman in it and turned back to his monitors. "Hey, she's back."

On screen Steph walked into her cubicle with a popsicle in her hand. She sat down and started sucking it with an expression of bliss. Damn. I bet she was making those hot little noises.

Little Lester sat up and started begging. I leaned forward and watched her sucking her popsicle, stroking the little statue with my thumb. Not what I wanted to be stroking, but then we were on camera too somewhere. "Man, if there was a way to get into Bombshell's pants without Ranger killing me, I'd do it, I swear."

"Yeah, good luck with that one, man."

My first thought as I woke up was that I wish it were my day off. I could spend the morning lounging in bed, having a late breakfast, maybe see if I could get in touch with Chloe…Chloe Santos has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? God, our kids would be gorgeous. If Tank didn't rip my dick off first.

My next thought was that my bed felt way more comfortable than usual. The sheets were too soft to be mine and my pillow smelled like Dolce Vita. I attempted to turn on to my back but came into contact with another warm body. Interesting. I reached my hand back to stroke down the side of the woman behind me, and found satiny skin stretched over a narrow hip. I reached back further and caressed the tantalizing curve of the tightest, most deliciously round ass cheek I've ever encountered.

I felt soft, full lips sensually kissing and licking at the side of my neck. Silky black hair slid over my shoulder. Then a hand snaked around my waist and skimmed up my torso to cup my breast. Hold the fuck up. My breast? I looked down. Yup. I have breasts. A lovely pair, really. Maybe a large B or a small C. My nipples were the softest pink blush against my pale skin. The large mocha latte hand cupping me…Oh Christ. What the fuck? I'm Stephanie? This can't be happening. The erection prodding against my ass told me it was definitely happening. Shit. I used to pray every night for a chance to get inside Stephanie's body. Guess God is yucking it up now!

In an effort to get away from Ranger's, er, throbbing manhood, I began to inch my way toward the edge of the bed. He was having none of it. Strong arms pulled me into his warm body and he murmured in my ear, "I need to be inside you, cara. I need to feel your wetness surrounding my cock."

Oh Jesus. My brain was repulsed but Steph's body had other ideas. There was a dull ache that started between my…her…our legs and it spread outward making my…our body scoot back and wiggle up against his…I think I'm going to throw up.

His hand coasted down my stomach. A single finger traced through my…her curls and slowly started to skim forward and back along my…Oh shit. We were wet. Ranger's getting me wet. I watched in horror as my slim leg bent at the knee to give Ranger more room to play. I'm so confused!

Ranger hooked my scrawny leg over his upper thigh…damn his thighs were rock hard! And speaking of rock hard, Ranger was skimming his mammoth…thing across my Volvo…no, that's not right. Vulva! He was skimming his dick back and forth across my embarrassingly wet crotch…and it pains me to say this, but it felt phenomenal! Oh, Jesus! Look at my little hips go. They've got a mind of their own!

He slid an arm underneath me and reached around to cup my breast. He pinched my nipple and at the same time he bit down on my neck. Hurts so good! Then he drew his hips back and I felt the ginormous girth of his…don't make me say it! Oh, that is so not going to fit. With his other hand he started toggling my little love button. Oooooh…very fast…almost felt like a vibration. I'm a big follower of the little circles technique, but the Bossman is onto something here! Holy cow, how did God get all those little nerve endings in that little nub! How do women find time to cook, clean, work, raise children with this little hot zone in easy reach? I'd play with myself all day!

Attempting to push in again, he met with resistance. I gotta be honest. It hurt…but my body wanted him in there anyway. I reached between my legs and grabbed for his tool, thinking I could help him. Just as my hand closed around his shaft, I realized that I was holding my boss' dick and trying to help him deflower me. I let go of his pole and clamped my thighs shut tight. I must have hurt Ranger's wonder wand because he let out a soft hiss.

In a tight voice he said, "Too sore after last night?"

I cleared my throat and whispered, "Yes," unsure of how my voice would sound. I had no need to worry. I sounded just how I imagined Steph would sound first thing in the morning. Her voice was a little raspy, and if I had my dick, I'm sure I'd be ready to pound nails with it right about now. Because of her voice, people, not because of Ranger's foreplay skills! I think.

I slid toward the edge of the bed and said, "I have to take a piss."

"Babe?"

"I mean pee. I have to pee."

Ranger sighed and rose from the bed as well. I made my way quickly through the bathroom to the enclosed toilet area and closed the door. Standing in front of the toilet, I blindly grabbed for my dick and came up with air. Dumfounded, I glanced down. Where my dick should be, all I saw was a tiny little thatch of curls. Curious, I lowered my hand between my legs and…wahhh. Steph is a naughty little vixen. Everything below the cute thatch was completely smooth and waxed. This would definitely put more clarity on my Stephanie fantasies. Damn she was soft…and dewy.

I would have played around down there but I really had to drain the main vein. I had no idea that when women had to pee, that they felt such an all encompassing cramping sensation in their pelvis. My back hurt a little too. I turned around, sat down and let go. Ahhhh. Reaching across for the toilet paper, I paused. Was it front to back or back to front? Why the fuck did it matter? I shrugged, wadded up some toilet paper and patted at Steph's crotch gingerly. Just as I was about to toss the paper into the bowl, I glanced down and saw a tinge of pink on it. What the fuck? What the hell did Ranger do to her last night?

Just then, I felt another cramp. You've got to be kidding me! I just narrowly escaped being penetrated by Ranger and now I'm getting my first period? I felt the inexplicable urge to cry.

There was a tapping on the door. "Do you mind?" I barked out.

"You've been in there a while, Babe. Everything okay?"

My stupid voice was thick with tears when I said, "I just got my period."

Silence from the other side of the door. Then, "We just started trying, Babe. I'm sure that many couples don't conceive the first month."

What? Were they…were we…

"Do you want me to grab a tampon for you?"

I squeaked out an affirmative sound. A moment later, Ranger let himself in and handed me the tampon. He was naked. I've seen his dick before, in the locker room and years ago when Ranger used to be more fun and occasionally shared chicks with me. But it was in my face. Okay, not right in my face, but it was close. Jesus. I knew it was big but where the hell does Stephanie put all that? It wasn't even hard anymore and it still made me want to whimper and cross my legs in fear.

Then he squatted in front of me and looked up into my face. I don't know what was wrong with me but the way he looked at me was so tender, my throat clogged shut and I felt a stupid tear roll down my face. Being a woman sucked!

Ranger brushed the tear from my cheek and held my face gently in his hands. Softly he said, "It will happen for us, Babe." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. It didn't feel gay. But what I said next sure did.

"I love you." Did I just say that? What the fuck? I was feeling all emotional and shit. It had to be Steph's stupid hormones. Who knew having tits and ass came at such a price?

He whispered, "I love you too, cara." Then he stood and left, closing the door softly behind him… cutting off the view of his amazing ass. I smacked my forehead. Focus, Santos!

I let out a huge sigh and examined the tampon. Still in its wrapper, it looked like a fruit roll-up. I tore the end open with my teeth and found a pink plastic contraption. One part was bigger and shaped like a long bullet. The other part was a narrow tube that fit into the larger end. There was a string hanging out the bottom. I held the larger end between my index and middle finger and pushed the plunger with my thumb. The tampon flew out; bounced softly off the wall and landed on the floor like a little parachute.

I leaned forward to pick it up. Is there a five second rule on misfired tampons? Examining it, I noticed it was not very streamlined for easy insertion. It looked like two cotton squares opening up like a flower. I tried to twist it closed and quickly shove it in, but my new coochie was having none of it. Quite frankly, I think I injured my beaver. Note to self: coochies are very delicate. Letting out a sigh, I decided that I was supposed to depress the plunger once the plastic thingy was inside. Who knew?

I cleared my throat and called out, "Carlos?" I heard the faucet shut off a moment before he came to the door. He frowned down at the mangled tampon I had suspended in front of me from the string. "It's defective. Would you get me another?"

He shook his head and walked away only to return with the entire box. He said, "Are you going to be much longer? I thought we could take a shower together before I go down to work."

What an insensitive asshole! I'm bleeding, I've probably fractured Steph's coochie and, and, AND I think I'm bloated! Affronted, I said primly, "I'm not having sex with you this morning." I waved the box of tampons in the air. "I'm using my free pass!"

Ranger smiled softly and said, "I can still give you an orgasm. It always helps with your cramps." Okay. We've officially stepped into the 'too much information' zone.

"Not today, Manoso."

I watched as he dropped his hand and began stroking his…oh Christ. He said, "Come into the shower with me, Babe. Dame chivos."

After snapping open the end of the tampon wrapper and removing the tampon, I stabbed it between my legs, depressed the plunger and yanked the plastic thingy out. Then I snarled at Ranger, "I'm not going to blow you! Is that all you ever think about?" Men suck! Well…this man doesn't, but you get what I'm saying.

Standing from the toilet, I tossed the bullet casing into the garbage, flushed and pushed my way around Ranger. His dick brushed against my naked hip as I went by. I shouted, "No guy touching," as I stomped out of the bathroom.

I needed to get out of here. Ranger had a wily heat-seeking missile looking for a target, and I for one refused to let him blast his payload on me. I suppressed a shudder and rifled through drawers looking for panties. Pink thong, leopard thong, lime green thong…didn't she have any boy shorts or hipsters? What happened to all the Rangeman panties? Yes, I know about them. I also know that Ella did not undertake that project on her own. Tank let it slip one night when he was deep in his cups that Ranger had them special ordered. They were cut extra low so that her ass crack peeked out in the back.

Sighing, I chose a simple black cotton thong, stepped into it and yanked up. Yowza! Who designed this shit? I reached back and pulled the thong out of my crack. When I let go, it just snapped back in. That's it; Steph's going commando today.

In another drawer I found Steph's favorite low-rise jeans. Stepping into them, I tugged them up and started to button them. The first two buttons closed easily, but the higher I got, the more I had to suck in my stomach. I felt the tears coming on again. I whimpered out, "I'm fat!"

From behind me, Ranger chuckled and said, "You're not even close to fat, cara. You're just a little bloated."

I turned and found him standing outside the bathroom door, a towel slung low on his hips. He smiled softly and said, "Just wear your fat jeans."

Oh no he di-int! "So, I am fat!" Christ, I was such a girl!

His face fell and he said, "Not at all, Babe. You call them your fat jeans."

Just then the phone rang and he turned to the nightstand to answer. I was getting the hell out of Dodge. I went to the bed and lay on my back and was somehow able to suck in and get the jeans fastened. Then I went into the closet, grabbed the first shirt I could find, shoved my tiny feet into sneakers and all but ran out of the apartment.

oOoOo

After knocking briskly on Xander's door, I looked down and realized that I had chosen a low cut, scoop-neck silky red shirt…and I had headlights. I forgot to put on a bra! I poked at my hard little nips with my index fingers, figuring if I pushed them in that they would relax. But noooooo. They liked the attention! Stupid nipples. Christ. Now I sound like Steph.

I cupped my breasts trying to warm them up, and that's exactly when Xander opened the door. His eyes went unerringly to my cupped breasts, a slow smile spread across his mug and he asked, "Need some help?"

What a whore! I'm a married woman, for God's sake! I dropped my hands from my breasts and shoved him out of my way. Walking over to the sofa, I flopped down, jumping up again when my jeans cut into my stomach. I released the top two buttons, let my belly out, and flopped on the sofa once again.

Xander still stood at the open door and stared at me with one pierced brow arched. He wasn't wearing a shirt. He had on Hugh Hefner lounge pants and they were tented.

I said, "Please tell me that boner is because you just woke up."

He closed the door, leaned back against it and leered at me. "Maybe. Maybe it's just for you."

Is he really this stupid? "Dude. Stephanie is VERY married to a man who could kill you seventeen different ways with a toothbrush."

Xander sat down way too close to me and said, "I heard it was a fork. And why are you talking in the third person, sweetheart? Is this a new little sex game? Me Xander, you Stephanie? Want me to go all caveman on you?"

I swung out and slapped him in the forehead. It made my boobs jiggle. Xander noticed. He said, "You like inflicting pain? Ranger isn't in to that? We can play that way. There doesn't even have to be any actual sex involved. You can just come down here and slap me around, pinch me…flog me…and then you can go to Ranger to get your release. I had a similar arrangement with this woman-"

"Would you shut the fuck up, you deviant freak? I'm Lester! I'm trapped in Steph's body. You have to hide me!"

He smirked and said, "If that's what you need to tell yourself to get over your misplaced guilt-"

"You just tore your dick piercing yesterday because you went commando and it got caught on your fly. Your favorite sexual position is the wheelbarrow but reverse cowgirl comes in a close second because you like to see the booty jiggle. You lost your virginity to your babysitter when you were twelve and she let her boyfriend watch. Which explains a lot. Your middle name is Wendell and you changed your last name to Navarro because you worship Jane's Addiction." I sat back with a huff, then grabbed a throw pillow to cover my temporary menstrual muffin top.

Xander was silent a moment and studied me seriously. Then he said, "What's my safe word?"

Exasperated, I said, "That's a trick question. You have a safe sentence."

"Which is?"

Sigh. "Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho. But it's too fuckin' long. You could lose a nut before you got all that shit out."

"It's classic Pee-wee Herman. Don't diss on the Pee-man. I gotta say, your potty mouth on Stephanie is kinda turning me on."

"So you believe me?"

"Yeah. Can I play with your tits?"

"No."

"Can I see your tits?"

"No!"

"I bet you've checked out the ta-tas."

"I woke up naked with Ranger's tool knocking on my back door!"

"So you think she lets him do anal?"

"Would you stop thinking with your little head for one freaking second and help me figure out how I can switch back?"

"The little head ain't that little, bro."

I slapped my hands up to my face and felt simultaneous urges to scream and cry.

Xander tugged my hands down and said softly, "Chill, man. Don't cry."

"I'm not crying!"

"Whatever. Look. When you went to bed last night, you were in your own body, right?"

"Yeah." I wiped at some stupid water on my face and shuddered out a sigh.

"Then it happened when you slept."

"You think this is just a dream?"

"Maybe. But I'm having my own thoughts right now so I doubt it. Why don't you go back to sleep and maybe when you wake up, everything will be normal again."

"I just woke up!"

"I'll get you some Nyquil. Go lay down in my room."

I wandered back to his room. The bed was in shambles. I grabbed the comforter from the floor and curled up in the middle of the bed. Xander came in with a dose cup of Nyquil and a glass of water. I took the medicine and guzzled half the glass of water. Then I lay down and pulled the covers over my head.

I felt the bed dip behind me, and then the comforter shifted…and Xander spooned me. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Come on man! Just give me this. I swear I won't play with your tits!"

I sat up and climbed out of bed. "Look, if this switch thing happens while I sleep, either Stephanie will wake up in your bed and you'll have a homicidal Cuban on your ass, or I'll wake up as me in my own body and in your bed…and I think that's just going to push our gayness to a whole new level."

Xander saw reason and I decided to take my menstrual ass back up to the seventh floor. I sent Ranger a text telling him I was having a period from hell and that I was going back to bed. Then I scrounged through the medicine cabinet, found some Midol and took two. Something had to be done about the bloating.

I found a heating pad in the linen closet and tossed it on the bed. The action made my breasts jiggle, and I realized how sore they were. Maybe a bra would help. I found one of those cool half-cup bras in black. After stripping off my clothes, I picked up the bra and hooked my arms through the straps. Then I grabbed both ends and tried to clasp it behind my back. Impossible!

I took it back off and twisted it this way and that. Well duh! I just buckled it and stepped into it like a pair of pants. It didn't really want to go over my hips and ass…I think I heard a seam tear. I finally got it into place. What the fuck is digging into my ribs? I felt around the bottom edge of the bra. Are there wires in there? I walked over to the dresser and pulled out some of Ranger's dress socks. I rolled up one and shoved it under the wire. Much better! I did the same to the other side and looked at myself proudly in the mirror. Whoa, Nellie! I looked like Dolly Parton! Rifling through another drawer, I found a pair of black silk boxers.

Flopping on the bed, I lay the heating pad on my stomach, tucking the bottom half under the boxers. Bliss! Then I grabbed the remote and ordered some pay-per-view porn. One dude, four chicks. I needed to get in touch with my masculine side. It must have been the Nyquil/Midol cocktail, but I actually fell asleep during an amazing girl on girl on girl on girl scene.

When I woke up, I was in my own bed and someone was clearing their throat from the doorway. I looked up to see Ranger and Xander staring back at me…or rather, my body. Looking down, I saw that I was wearing one of Ranger's super expensive black t-shirts…and I could smell the Bulgari wafting from the fabric. And something was flossing my ass. I tossed the covers aside and saw that I was wearing what I assumed was Steph's lime green thong. My boy bits were hanging out in all directions. Why does this shit only happen to me?

Ranger said, "You're late coming off break."

Fuck. Did Stephanie have to go through what I just did and have to work? And why did she dress my body in this get-up? More importantly, did Steph touch little Lester? Shwing!

"Sorry, man. I…uh, haven't been feeling myself today." And like an idiot, I adjusted my package, drawing Ranger's eyes down to the thong. He stepped forward menacingly.

"Explain!"

"I, uh…Steph gave them to me. I was too embarrassed to buy my own."

Xander offered helpfully, "He's the girl this week."

"And my shirt?" Ranger asked.

Fuck! "I've, uh, been having trouble sleeping. Steph says this does the trick every time."

Ranger's face was incredulous. "Why do you have my pillow?"

I looked behind me. Huh. Sure as shit wasn't my pillow. Too clean. I picked it up and sniffed it. More Bulgari.

"Why the fuck are you sniffing my pillow?"

"It smells good?"

Xander interjected, "You have a thing for Ranger! I knew it! After everything we've been through? That's it! Only chicks for me from now on. I'll leave your toothbrush and your cock ring on your desk." Xander turned to storm from the room. Ranger was still staring at me. Over Ranger's shoulder, I saw Xander standing at my open apartment door, smiling his little shit-head smile and giving me two thumbs up. Then he slammed the door shut for effect.

What a tool.

I ran my hand down my face and swung to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'll be back on the floor in five. Sorry, man." I couldn't really look Ranger in the eye. Seemed a little awkward, what with him humping me earlier. The fact that I'd held his dick in my hand this morning wasn't helping matters either.

Ranger cleared his throat and said, "You gonna be okay?"

Great. Now he thought I had a thing for him and he was letting me down easily. "I'm fine. I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll be down."

Ranger nodded and turned to leave. He paused at the door. Turning back, he said, "Back when Steph was dating Joe, I had a dream that I was Stephanie, and that Joe was making love to me. The thought repulses me, but in the dream, I was Steph…and I was really turned on. I was pretty confused for a couple of days…but I got over it."

"Yeah. Maybe it's something like that."

"So we're good?"

"Yeah, man."

Ranger left and I stumbled to the bathroom, yanking down the thong as I went. I grabbed hold of little Lester tenderly and said, "I missed you little buddy. Did Steph treat you okay?"

The thought of Steph treating my soldier in any way made the little guy salute. "What a big boy you are!" I walked to the shower and turned it on. "I'm going to give you a special treat. But first we have to have a talk about coochies." Little Lester jerked at the word coochie, but I kept him well in hand so I could finish my lecture.

"Coochies are very delicate."

I decided that was enough of a lecture. Time for my…I mean his reward. I'd tell you all about it but my author thinks it would be tacky. Tacky? Does she read what she writes?