Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm so glad you're all enjoying it :] Heres the next part.
"We need to talk." Monica spoke first, breaking the silence.
"Yeah, we really do." Chandler awkwardly played with a loose thread on his sweater, whilst focusing on a spot on the floor.
"Why?" Chandler couldn't even look at Monica, he could tell by her voice that she was holding back tears. And he knew that if he looked at her he wouldnt be able to hold it together.
"Why what?"
"Why did you leave? Why did you come back? Why didn't you say goodbye? Why ... everything." She glanced at him and caught his eye but quickly looked away again. He took a deep breath before answering.
"I left because i was scared. The Bings marriages never work out, ever. And i couldn't do that to you. I love you too much to put you through that, and i could never have lived with myself if i had hurt you. And i would have ended up hurting ..."
"Well you ended up hurting me anyway. A hell of a lot. How do you think i felt when Ross told me you had gone? I was supposed to be marrying you that night. And you just took off. No goodbye, no note."
"Well i did ..."
"I'm not finished yet. Sure you left a note, 'Tell Monica I'm sorry.' You know it really would have been better if you hadn't left a note at all. Do you even have any idea how much it hurt that you couldn't even leave me a not saying that you were sorry and that you loved me? I wouldn't have cared that you didn't give a reason. Just to know. To know that you loved me." She trailed off, and Chandler could tell that she was now crying.
"Monica, i thought you knew i loved you. I really did."
"Yeah, i thought i knew as well. But if you loved me then why did you leave?"
"I left because i loved you. I did it for you."
"Don't give me that crap. How could you have possibly thought that this would have helped me?" She wiped away the tears angrily, she hated the fact that she was crying over him yet again.
"Because, i knew that in time i would have ended up hurting you. So i left before i had a chance. I guess i never really thought it through. I'm, i'm so sorry." He finally looked her in the eye and let a tear roll down his cheek. He had tried to so hard over the past year to tell himself that she would be fine without him. So much so that he had actually started to believe it. But one look into her eyes told him that he had been lying to himself. With one look he could tell that she was going through hell right now. And he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself for doing that to her.
"Yeah, you really didn't. I was so scared. I didn't even know if you were alive or not." She closed her eyes now and looked away, the intensity of his gaze and the pain in his eyes was too much.
"I'm so, so sorry. I was an idiot, i know i was. And if i could go back i would never have left. I would have been there for you and Hannah." She turned to look at him again.
"Its too late now though, we cant go back. I ... I want you to be a part of Hannah's life though. If you want to." She turned to face him, finally locking eyes with him.
"I would love that." He reached out and took her hand in his but she pulled away, sighing.
"This doesnt mean i forgive you. But Hannah deserves to have her father in her life."
"I know, it'll take time. I truly am sorry Monica."
"You've said that Chandler, and i believe you, i just ... its too complicated." Another tear rolled down her face and when Chandler reached out and took her hand again, she didnt pull away this time.
"Try and explain, please." He softly rubbed circles on the back of her hand with his thumb, the simple contact making her skin tingle.
"Its just ... you hurt me. So much. You changed me. And i just can't forgive you, not yet. I'm still hurting. Some days are better than others, but i honestly don't think you realise how much you affected me by leaving. You had my heart, and you had my trust, and when you left it just felt like you stomped all over everything, like you didn't care." She stopped talking, and looked at her lap. He put his index finger under her chin again and tilted it up. "Don't. Don't kiss me again. It'll only make this harder."
"I'm not going to Mon, don't worry. But i want you to know that even though it makes no sense now, i truly thought i was helping you by leaving. I wasn't going to become the Bings. I couldn't become the Bings."
"Couldn't you just have taken a chance though. We would have been different. We would have been the ones to change that. And what hurts the most is knowing that you weren't willing to even give us a chance, you just gave up so easily."
"Mon, i don't know any other way to explain this to you. I would never have left if i knew i would cause this much pain. I hate myself right now. I hate the fact that i missed your pregnancy, i hate that i broke your heart, i hate that i put you through so much pain and i wasn't even there to comfort you. I hate that you thought i didn't love you anymore." He let go of her hand so that he could lean forward and put his head in his hands, tears rolling down his face now.
Monica couldn't speak, she didn't know what to say. She could tell that he was truly sorry, and that he too was going through hell. And she wanted to be able to forgive him and to be able to trust him again, but right now she couldn't. They still had so much to work out and so much they still needed to talk about. But looking at Chandler now, she finally realised something; he had not only broken her heart, he had broken his own heart as well by leaving. That was how much he had truly thought he had been helping her by not becoming the Bings. And it broke her heart a little more.
"I need some air," She sighed as she wiped the tears from her face. "We're not done though. I just .. I just can't cope with all this right now."
Chandler briefly looked up to watch her go and then buried his face in his hands again. What the hell had he done? He had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him. And right now, all those stupid reason's he had had for leaving a year ago seemed unbelievably stupid and insignificant. He honestly couldnt think of any reason which was important enough to throw away what he and Monica had. She was right, they would have changed the meaning of the Bings. They would have been the ones to make a Bing marriage work. Living in the past did no good though, and right there and then, he made a promise to himself; he was going to do whatever it takes to win back Monica's trust. He wasn't going to throw everything away for a second time. He knew his heart wouldn't be able to go through losing her again.
Kay, i know that not much happened in that chapter, just like conversation between them. But its 11pm and i'm shattered so i'll write more tomorrow and try my hardest to get another chapter up this weekend. Please leave a review :]