Disclaimer: Ok, this is just silly. Tite Kubo owns Bleach. He would have no earthly need to write fan fiction, since whatever he writes is canon by definition. I, on the other hand, am writing fan fiction since… wait for it… I don't own Bleach! Wow, shocked y'all, I know.

Listening to: Feist – 'Honey, Honey' and 'I Feel It All'.

Chapter 15

Rangiku Matsumoto was not a woman who liked to run. For one thing, it was far more effort than she was willing to expend on anything. Her days were exhausting enough, full of avoiding paperwork, arranging new hiding places for her office sake (not to be confused with her home sake), drinking the aforementioned sake, avoiding paperwork, teasing her captain, planning drinking nights out with various friendship groups, avoiding paperwork and, most importantly, avoiding paperwork. Just thinking about it was making her feel tired. It also didn't help that the very act of her running tended to distract every straight man and a couple of women from what they were doing. There was quite a bounce factor involved to say the least, to the point where it was considered a miracle that she hadn't knocked herself out yet. However, when you received a hell butterfly from the Fourth telling you that one of your closest friends and her lieutenant had been brought in from the living world injured, you got your ass moving, and that was that.

Still, it would have been nice if she could've just covered the whole distance in a single flash step. Or, at the very least, it would have been less jiggly.

The Fourth looked like a mad house when she arrived, as it appeared that Kenpachi had also been putting the Eleventh through a 'training exercise' (aka. rigorous beating/bitter fight to the death). Still, despite the carnage and chaos, she was able to pick out two familiar figures in the waiting room. It helped that one of them had bright blue hair and was at least six feet tall, while the other one was only a couple of inches shorter and lacked the ability to sit still. She walked over to join them.

"So", Rangiku drawled as she slung her arms around Grimmjow and Maiko, trying to hide the concern she felt, "What brings you two miscreants here?"

With a grimace, the former Espada replied, "The same thing that brought you I expect."

"Yeah." Maiko added. "Captain Unohana came out and told us that they'd both faced off against a vasto lorde and that Nel was fine, but she got called away before she could tell us 'bout Ulqui."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow. "Does he know ya call him that?"

"I don't call him that to his face. I choose life." Maiko clarified.

"Still", Ran muttered, "with the Eleventh bleeding all over the carpet here, we're not going to get answers anytime soon. Who's up for a little exploring?"

Smirking, Grimmjow nodded. "Thought you'd never ask. Let's roll, ladies."

Offering an arm to both of them, which they took, the mischievous trio attempted to walk off inconspicuously.

xXx

Fifteen minutes later…

"This blows. We're lost. Grimmjow, you are no longer leader of this expedition."

"Maiko, I ain't leading fuck all. You said we should go left."

"I meant my other left."

"Oh." Rangiku added dryly. "Of course. Silly of us not to realise. Maybe I should be leader."

"HELL NO!" As one, Grimmjow and Maiko turned around to stare her down.

"Fine. No mutiny from me."

"Is this mutiny?" Maiko looked a little confused. "Technically I should defer to you two, but who do you two defer to?"

"Well", Ran began, "I am senior here."

"Yeah, but being leader involves effort", Grimmjow pointed out.

"Well, I'm out then."

"That leaves Grimmjow", Maiko was all too eager to point out. "Who clearly has missed Ulquiorra so much that he can't wait to lead us to his door."

"Fuck y'all and your attempts at reverse psychology", Grimmjow muttered. "Look, let's just - "

They were cut off as one of the doors opened and Lieutenant Isane Kotetsu stepped out into the hall, her eyebrows raised as she stared at the three of them. "You do know that you're all supposed to wait in the waiting room. We didn't just name it that because we felt like it."

Maiko and Grimmjow pointed to Rangiku. "She's the senior lieutenant."

"Oh, so now I'm the leader?"

Isane held up a hand. "Look, I don't really care. Just keep it down, the captain has enough to deal with right now."

Maiko looked thoughtful. "There have been a lot of Eleventh Division visits lately, haven't there?"

Isane rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it. Worst part is, I think it's just so that Captain Zaraki has an excuse to drop by. He and Captain Unohana have been rather friendly of late."

Ran looked smug. "Define friendly."

The healer looked slightly nauseated. "I walked in on them in an exam room. I needed mind soap."

"Ha! I knew there was something going on there! They do make a cute couple."

"Yeah. Still need the mind soap though. I take it you're here for Nel and Ulquiorra?"

"Yep. What the hell happened?" Grimmjow scowled.

With a sigh, Isane flipped through the folder she carried. "Well, Nel has only bruising and some fairly clean cuts. A couple were alarmingly deep, but all in all she was ok. Ulquiorra is a more worrying."

"What? The little shit heals, he should be fine."

"The body can only heal so much, Grimmjow, even with regenerative powers like his. It appears that after disarming Nel, the vasto lorde ran him through with her sword. Several vital organs were damaged and he lost quite a bit of blood. On the other hand, he still managed to kill the vasto lorde."

"Damn." Maiko whistled. "Where'd he learn to be bad-ass like that?"

With a smug smile on his face, Grimmjow replied, "Well, he does hang around me. I had to rub off on him sometime."

The three women looked at him in disbelief. He winced. "You could at least pretend to go along with it! Shit, that's a blow to the ego."

"You'll live", Isane drawled motioning to the door she had just emerged from. "Anyway, they're both in there. Nel is fine and discharged, but she's stayed with him. Ulquiorra is all healed and should be awake sometime soon."

With a nod, she strode off in the direction of the screams of Eleventh Division officers.

xXx

Nel had sat by his side, holding his hand for the last four hours and still wasn't quite sure what the fuck was going on. Somehow she had gone from having sex with her lieutenant to sitting by his hospital bed and getting her heart broken along the way, all of which had been accomplished in less than twenty-four hours, and her head was still spinning as she tried to take all of it in.

I need to go home and sleep on it. Or just go. I can never think straight when he's there. Especially when I'm trying to think about him.

With a sigh, she placed both her hands over his.

Fuck, I'm just confused. On the one hand, he cares enough about me to give up his life for mine. On the other hand though, he doesn't care enough to attempt a post-sex explanation and just leaves me there. I just don't get it.

I should hate it that he ties me up in knots like this, but I can't. I can't hate him. Somewhere along the line, I ended up in love with him.

One of hands still entwined with his, she leaned forward to stroke his hair back from his face and let her fingers trail down the side of his face.

I am such a fucking idiot. But I don't care.

I love him.

Kami, this hurts.

The door, which had remained closed after Lieutenant Kotetsu left, suddenly opened to reveal three very familiar faces. She greeted them with a tired smile as she dropped Ulquiorra's hand like it had burned her.

"Hey."

Instantly she was enveloped into a hug from Rangiku. "Hey gorgeous. You haven't been crying, have you?"

Rubbing tearstains off her cheeks, Nel conjured a tentative grin. "I'm fine. Really. It's just been quite a day."

Ran let go and stood back. "Well, you both came out of it alive, and offed yourselves a vasto lorde. Been awful busy in the living world, huh?"

Nel winced and any remnants of a smile fled her face. "It's been fine."

Grimmjow looked askance at her. "Yeah, clearly. Ya just reekin' of the fine there. This being fine thing wouldn't have anything to do with the way you changed ya mind 'bout holding Ulquiorra's hand when we showed up, would it?"

For a brief second Nel thought she was going to fall to pieces. She broke contact with that fierce, bright blue gaze, stared at her feet and drew a shuddering breath, looking back up to glare at Grimmjow.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her tone was firm and brooked no denial.

Maiko's gaze flicked between the two. "Grimm, she's using her captain-voice, I think – "

"Wait." Rangiku was now looking far more closely at Nel. "Something happened in the living world?"

Gritting her teeth, Nel responded. "It was nothing. I'm fine and I don't want to talk about it."

"Really?" Grimmjow was persistent, if nothing else. "'Coz you sure don't look it. Fine, that is."

"Ok", Maiko pointed out, "now ain't exactly the ideal time for this little shindig – "

"No, I think it's a great – "

Whatever Grimmjow had been about to add to the conversation was abruptly cut off.

"Why in Hueco Mundo is Grimmjow one of the first people I get to see upon reawakening?"

They all turned to see a rather weary looking Ulquiorra staring at them bemusedly, smiling as he turned to lock eyes with Neliel. She reacted almost instantaneously, leaping from her chair and striding toward the door, muttering something about fetching Isane and tossing a casual goodbye over her shoulder. The others watched her go with expressions of varying levels of confusion on their faces. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, just looked shocked as he stared at the door she had just walked through.

What the hell just happened? She looked… hurt. I don't understand, and I want to understand, damn it! Neliel wouldn't just walk away like that, not from an injured subordinate, and I thought I was a damn side more than just a subordinate, too.

Unless… She wanted to get away from me. It could easily be that she regrets everything and doesn't want to face me.

Don't think about it. Focus on something else. Anything else.

He looked up at the three shinigami who were gazing at him as though expecting an answer. He shrugged before announcing loudly, but not entirely truthfully, "Your guess is as good as mine. You should probably go check on her"

As they traded glances and left the room on her trail, he breathed a sigh as he let sleep reclaim him.

Just don't think about it and it won't hurt. I can do that.

Right?

xXx

This, Grimmjow decided, was just fucking ridiculous.

It was two weeks after Nel and his former arch-nemesis (calling the guy a friend still felt seriously wrong) had come back from the living world, and ten days since Ulquiorra had been discharged from the Fourth and they were still avoiding each other like most people avoided Kenpachi. At least now he knew why. It had taken picking a lot of fights with Ulquiorra and doing everything to get under the guy's skin in order to get some information out of him, but he'd managed to get a vague idea of what happened. He'd also managed to break several ribs, lose a few pints of blood and have his arm almost ripped off (fortunately not all at once), but that was not the point.

When he put the information he had gathered together with what Maiko and Ran had learned from a drunk Nel (why they had the freaken easy interrogation was beyond him), the three of them had managed to get the full story and the stunning conclusion that Ulquiorra and Nel were complete fuck wits. At least, when it came to each other. The only problem was explaining it to them. Neither party was willing to talk about it (the partially severed arm had been a direct result of Grimmjow's one attempt to do so) and now the three conspirators were trying to help them both see the obvious.

They were perfect for each other. Seriously, it was fucking nauseating as far as he was concerned, but whatever. And if he had to spend any more time with the new, even more silent and emo Ulquiorra, he was going to cero everything in sight and then some. He was sick of seeing the guy look so damn hurt every time she was mentioned. This colossal fuck up needed to be fixed, and fast.

Not that he gave a crap about Ulquiorra, or anything. It was a matter of principle.

Nel was suffering too. They were both spending all their spare time avoiding each other and moping. Ulquiorra looked like he hadn't slept in days, Nel barely seemed to have eaten, and Grimmjow wanted to smack their heads together.

This much was clear – something had to give, and soon.

Of course, what that something was still eluded him. If Maiko or Ran asked, he was working on it.

xXx

Maiko couldn't help but think that this was all just a bit ridiculous. It was now three weeks into the Ulqui-Nel standoff (as she was calling it), and she was starting to regret agreeing to Ran's idea to 'let them try to sort it out themselves'.

After all, how the fuck can they sort it out themselves when they go pale at the sight of each other and refuse to spend time in the same room? It makes it kinda difficult.

You know, just a little.

Kami, I can understand why Grimmjow wants to smack both their heads together. He doesn't even have to spend all day in the office acting as their go-between.

This freaken blows. To hell with it, Ran and her 'sorting it out themselves' plan ain't gonna happen. It's time for trained experts to interfere.

Or, failing that, Grimm, Ran and myself.

xXx

It was the part of the month Nel had been dreading, but there was no avoiding it. Budget day was upon them, the one time she would absolutely have to spend the day with her lieutenant since her ability with numbers was pretty much nonexistent. Sure, she could have gotten Maiko to help her, but it still needed to be gone over and signed by Ulquiorra. Besides, it was about time to start working with him again. Surely the awkwardness and pain would have subsided by now, even if only a little, and things needed to get back on track.

At least, that was what she had told herself before she walked into their office and saw him at his desk, resolutely staring at the documents lying there.

Oh shit. It's just not fair, the way it still damn well hurts. No, I can do this. I can be his indifferent captain. It'll hurt but I'll get there. Might as well start now. All right, I am indifferent. Unless it involves his job here in the division, I don't care, or need to hear it. I am friendly, but aloof. Here goes nothing.

Kami he looks tired. I hope he's getting enough sleep and –

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fighting the urge to smack herself in the face, Nel strode toward her desk and sat down, her gaze firmly focused on the previous month's budget as she flicked through it, taking note of any unusual expenses. He continued to read, only acknowledging her presence with a small nod in her direction. This continued on until there was a knock at door, swiftly followed by a wry voice, proclaiming, "Seventh division official intermediary reporting for duty. Unfortunately due to a photocopying fault, I only have one copy of the files you both asked for, which means you have to share which, in turn, means you must interact."

"Maiko." Ulquiorra looked annoyed, to say the least.

"Sorry, take it up with the tech guys, not me. They're trying to fix it now. Apparently a person or persons unknown filled an ink cartridge with sake." Maiko's innocence was more than a little unconvincing. "In the mean time you have to work together, which will be nice for me since I hate seeing Mummy and Daddy fighting."

"We're not fighting", Ulquiorra and Nel replied at once, stopping and staring at each other when they realised that they had spoken in unison. They immediately looked away.

Disbelief spread across Maiko's features. "Uh huh, sure you're not. I don't know what's worse – the fact that you're both clearly in denial, or the fact that you just answered to Mummy and Daddy. I'm going to take my lunch break now and go be disturbed by all off this somewhere else. Play nice, y'all."

She flashed out of the room, leaving them both to stare awkwardly at their work.

xXx

On the other side of the Seireitei, deep underground in the Second division offices, Grimmjow felt his communicator vibrate as he received a message. He slipped it out of his pocket and glanced at it, a grin spreading over his face. He looked around.

Well, seeing as the ninja bitch ain't here right now, I guess I could slip off for a while. Things to do an' all that.

Re-reading the message, he slunk out of the office.

Oh yeah, time to rock and roll. This'll be good.

xXx

In the offices of the Tenth, Rangiku blearily lifted her head from the pile of paperwork she was supposed to be completing to check her communicator, which she fished out of her cleavage, eyes snapping open as she eagerly read the message. Grabbing two bottles of sake for the road, she left a note for her captain before flashing out.

I'm sure Toushiro won't mind.

Much.

xXx

Ulquiorra was getting sick of feelings. As far as he was concerned, he'd been much better off before they had stalked into his life and started messing with his head. The same could be said for Grimmjow, now that he thought about it, and probably should have been said about Neliel and, yet, he found that he couldn't really regret anything when it came to her. He could wish all he liked that he knew (and could fix) why she had abruptly distanced herself from him, but seeing as that wasn't going to happen, at least he could console himself with the memories.

Still, it was hard to sit across from her in this office and pretend he didn't care that she wasn't talking to him unless she absolutely had to. His musings were cut short by the sight of three familiar, but alarming figures standing in the doorway. He cleared his throat, and Neliel looked up from her desk to take in the sight they made, a look of concern clear on her face. It was never good to see Grimmjow, Rangiku and Maiko together at the best of times, but the unholy grins spread across each of their faces were enough to send shivers down his spine. A sly grin on her face, Maiko reached forward to grasp the door handle, before pausing dramatically to hold up a key.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened as he recognised the key to the office.

But surely Neliel should have that.

Clearly she'd had the same thought, as his captain now searched her pockets and then froze, her eyes narrowing at the three of them. "Oh, hell no."

In a move so fast that she must have used flash, Maiko closed the door and turned the key in the lock a mere instant before Neliel reached it and desperately grappled with the handle, yelling all the while.

"Kami, damn it! You lot, if you open this door now, I will be merciful. I may just leave you with a bone or two intact. Maiko, I can dishonourably discharge you if you don't open this door instantly, so help me - "

"Sorry Nel", Ran's voice rang out, "but you both need to sit through this."

"Sit through what?" Nel may be too busy fuming, but right now Ulquiorra was just curious.

"Your intervention." Grimmjow sounded too smug to be healthy.

"But I don't drink." This was just confusing as far as Ulquiorra was concerned. It was also less than enjoyable to see how little Nel liked being in a room with him.

"Not that kind of intervention, Ulquiorra", Maiko clarified, "we're interfering in your relationship, such as it is. Don't get us wrong, we take no pleasure in this. Well, maybe Grimmjow does a little, but that's his business and - ow Grimmjow, that hurt! Anyway, the point is, you've both been morons and we're here to clarify a few things."

"Ok, now I'm really mad." Nel looked ready to cero the door. "This is pointless, just let me out." I'm just fine with inferring that he's not interested from the obvious evidence, I don't need to hear it from him.

"No." Ran was firm about this. "Look, we all know what happened in the living world." There was a very awkward pause from the other side of the door. "Yeah, as in all of it, and you both need to have a couple of things pointed out to you."

"You first, Ulquiorra." Grimmjow still sounded far too gleeful. "You've been gazing longingly at Nel for what? Six months now?"

Nel whipped around to stare at Ulquiorra who was now very interested in the floor and turning an interesting shade of red.

Grimmjow continued. "Now, you being the usually emotionless little shit you are, five months of that was spent freaking out that you actually had feelings, but during the rest, did it ever occur to you to – oh, I don't know – tell her how you felt? Hint at it, maybe? Especially post-coitus? Yes? No? Maybe? Lobster? You were capable of admitting it after about a dozen shots, but did you ever think you should be able to do that sober too? Well, since you can't, I'm doing it for you. Nel, the fuck wit standing next to you, who is, no doubt, unable to look you in the face right now, loves you. It's enough to make anyone sick, really, the way he stares after you and mopes around. It's driving me fucking crazy as it is."

"You don't have to spend all day in the office with them." Maiko may have been muttering, but it still came through the door fairly clearly.

"Not the point", Ran cut in. "My turn. Ok, Nel. Cosmo is an excellent magazine - "

"And an excellent drink!"

"Maiko, you alcoholic, you."

"Stage my intervention later, Grimmjow. Keep going Ran, I won't interrupt again."

"Somehow I doubt that." Ran sighed. "Anyway, the point is that Cosmo works in the living world on living world guys and, even then, isn't gospel. So while having sex with someone and waking up to an empty bed usually means you've been rejected - "

Ulquiorra started at this, his eyes wide.

" - you were with Ulquiorra who, no offence, isn't known for his social mores and knowledge of sexual etiquette. Or any etiquette, come to think of it. He probably thought he was doing you a favour or giving you space or some shit like that. Anyway, so he's an emotional retard and didn't tell you how he felt. What's your excuse?"

"He's not an emotional retard!" Nel yelled back, before turning to look shyly at Ulquiorra, who was regarding her with the tiniest smile on his face. "Uh, well, you aren't."

His lips twitched. "Thank you, Neliel."

"You didn't answer the question, Nel."

"Damn you Ran. There are policies about intra-division dating."

Maiko snorted. "Two words hun – Eighth Division. I don't see anyone reprimanding Shunsui and Nanao, do you? Face it, you're both chicken." She paused to consider this. "Idiot chickens that jump to conclusions and leave their friends to sort it out for them."

"Are you trying to get fired?" Ulquiorra actually sounded amused. Maiko was going to take this as a good sign.

"You'll both thank us later. Anyway, we're done. We'll slip the key under the door and you can let yourselves out once you've talked things through. Have fun."

The sounds of laughter and footsteps faded away as Nel and Ulquiorra stared at each other, minds racing. Nel took a deep breath and spoke first.

"So, we're both idiots.

Ulquiorra smiled and took a step toward her. "So it would seem. At least I'm in good company."

She raised an eyebrow. "So I'm good company now?"

Ulquiorra's brow furrowed as he walked up to her, his hand tentatively going up to her cheek. "Neliel, I'm so sorry, I had no idea, I - "

She turned her head so that her lips grazed his palm. "Yeah, that much is obvious. Neither did I, so I'm sorry for the conclusion jumping." She smiled up at him, her eyes full of mischief. "So, apparently you're in love with me."

He smiled back. "Grimmjow may be an idiot on a fairly regular basis, but every now and then he gets it absolutely right."

Her arms came up to sit on his shoulders and then reached back to rest on the back of his neck. "Good to know that it's mutual, then." His eyes widened as she stretched up to kiss him softly and unbearably slowly.

He broke away to stare at her. "Say it."

She smiled, reaching up to run her fingers through his hair where it wasn't covered by the mask. "I love you."

He pulled her to him and their lips met again, with less finesse this time and more passion. Nel broke away this time and raised an eyebrow. Ulquiorra raised one right back and smirked. "My turn is it? Very well." He leaned forward and kissed her jaw, right near her ear and whispered, "I love you, Neliel." She shivered and he drew back smiling.

"You never really wanted me to call you Nel, did you?"

She shook her head. "Everyone calls me Nel. You're different. It may have escaped your notice, but I rather like that."

He kissed her again, harder, before pulling away. "Fair enough."

Nel smiled wickedly and drew away. "Now, I'm pretty sure we have a budget to work through."

He gave up on trying to think and just said the first thing that came to him. "Fuck the budget."

Neliel laughed. "Wait, do I have competition?"

He growled and pulled her against him once more. "Not in a million years. Still, I think the budget can wait."

"Well", Nel replied breathlessly as he leaned in to kiss her once more, "when you put it that way…"

xXx

Oh God, I'm sorry it took forever. The 'yes/no/maybe/lobster line is from Avatar: The Abridged Series. What can I say? I love my abridged series. This was a beast of a chapter to write, though. Anyway, one more…