With my dark, black side grace me

And if I don't love it

How do you want me to overcome it?

Alkinoos Ioannidis, Edgar Allan Poe

4.

We do do do

what we must must must

til we bust bust bust!

That was the kind of person Kaidan Alenko was. Not that he didn't appreciate the guy. It was just that he had absolutely zero tolerance for people like him. They were the kind of people that succeeded in making both their own and others' lives miserable, without actually doing anything, or in fact because of that.

All in all, Kaidan Alenko was his exact opposite. Joker had only impulse in the face of his temperance, audacity to battle his obedience, passion to counteract his placid reserve. Kaidan was strong with a different kind of power; quiet, calm and predictable like an artificial lake with the occasional rainstorm. He, on the other hand, could barely control his wildfire as barely as he could control his opinion.

As he sat alone in the table of the mess hall, pretending to check something over one of those portable mainframes, he thought all this.

Nobody understood. They just mistook his temperament for immaturity. They looked upon him like nothing more than a child, an ingenious one but still a child. They couldn't understand that apart from skill, he had to take mortal risks when flying this ship. He had to have the nerves to put everyone's life on the line and face the consequences if something went wrong. And he did, because it had to be done. Because if he didn't, not only would they have been all dead by now, but they wouldn't have accomplished many of their missions. It took balls to fly this ship, to break it, to manipulate it to do all that it did and save lives in the process. And as you broke it, it was yourself you saw breaking. He knew exactly what he was doing. But nobody could see that. They just assumed he acted crazy, without really considering the consequences. Well fuck them!

And they praised Alenko! The battle-hardened soldier who obeyed unquestioningly, the marine with the gentle soul and the sad eyes that had a kind word for everyone, the powerful biotic who, by the way wasn't a bigot. He wanted to puke. He hated the way Kaidan followed her around like a dog, it would be terrible if he tried to do anything similar. The cling! cling! of his crutches, the CRACK! of his bone...he couldn't even run behind her with decency. They praised Alenko! But even he couldn't see who she truly was.

Balancing precariously upon the branch of a tall tree, she just lay there daydreaming. An old fashioned automatic pistol was in her hand and the other held the cigarette she occasionally brought to her lips for a deep blow. She gazed at the stars but her mind overflowed with earthly thoughts. How she could trick the ugly man with the burned face and torture him so much that he would finally break and let her be his accomplish in mischief. Or perhaps there were tiny thoughts of seduction in the cocktail. She had already fantasized him nailing her somewhere in a corner of that old shed of his. She played the image in her head and her body shivered and it wasn't just the numb feeling that heights gave her. To torture him, if only to hear his hoarse voice telling her No! And that face of his that looked like death from some horrible disease that frightened her was so compelling. The danger and lust. She was only sixteen, after all. And how she would shoot at the ground beneath the boys, her classmates, that hang for hours beneath that tree at Saturday nights. But she had her mind set on the Scary Man.

Much as she had her mind set on him, now. He admitted he felt a little jealous of the man with the burned face, anyhow. She had grown since then, but still she was a wild child, much like him. And as much as she knew she had to hide this beneath an N7 uniform, she hadn't changed. But sacrifices must be made, if only to prevent another Mindoir, if only another girl in another Mindoir can pick up her daydream from where she left it on the tree. And that didn't just make her a hero in his books. He made her human. And that was the fucking important. Kaidan Alenko could never see these things, because trying to block out all light and sound from his mind, he didn't leave the slightest ray of sun for the shadow of a tree.

And speaking of the devil, the man himself walked into the mess hall. But instead of directing his attention to the usual control panels he worked on, he approached and sat opposite to him. If Joker wasn't so lost in his personal inquiry, he would have seen the purpose in Kaidan's eyes.

- Is the Commander on board? Kaidan asked innocently.

- Nope! Attending a meeting with Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina as we speak.

Kaidan smirked bitterly at this spectacular display of information.

- I wanted to talk to you, Joker, the Lieutenant purred like a hungry cougar

- Really, what about?

- About Commander Shepard.

Joker had desperately tried to ignore him, appearing busy in front of the holographic screen. But the hammer just hit the nail and he looked up at him. The time had come for "the talk".

Joker left a deep sigh and let his eyes fall on the hard surface of the table.

As if this signal wasn't enough, Kaidan continued.

- There's no need to try and hide it from me. I already know.

A puzzled expression played upon Joker's features.

- You think I hadn't noticed, but one usually does when he really cares about something. Of course, she was more discreet than you, but still...I doubt you even saw it coming.

- I'm not having this conversation with you, Lieutenant. The decisiveness in his voice surprised even himself.

- I'm not looking for details, Joker. I just want to make sure that you won't break her heart.

- What?

- This is not about your intentions. It's about what you will do. When this...this game is over...this hide-and-seek.

This game? Oh so now he saw how it was. If there wasn't a serious look on the face, some grave words underlying a hidden meaning and a ring no less, it was rubbish. But he didn't need any of that. Those things meant nothing to him and couldn't possibly make up for a lifetime of hiding. He needed the small things. Her hearty laugh, the way she folded her legs underneath the table or bite at her fork. All he wanted was her being happy. He wanted to make her happy. That was when he was happy too. That was why he played the clown stuck in his pilot's chair, just to hear her laugh or why he pushed the Normandy into crazy stunts so she could do things her way. But he wasn't stuck anymore. He was walking.

- Who the hell do you think you are? He wasn't shouting. His voice was calm, composed.

- What did you say to me? Kaidan protested.

- You heard me, Alenko. This has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with power or pleasure or position or whatever perversion you take comfort out of thinking I have in store for her. It has nothing to do with who's a better man for her. We have already decided. This is all about her...and me. And what we want to do with each other. We, and none else, gets to see the end of this.

He didn't even wait for the other's reply, as he straightened himself on his crutches and didn't stop, until long after he'd left the Normandy.