A/N: I'm back again! This will be another more serious chapter and it will include April in it. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own RENT, Roger, or Adam Pascal. Not to mention anyone else who has ever played Roger.

I'm Ready For My Close Up

The Reason

There are questions that often go unasked in our household. For instance, why is Mark still pining of Maureen when she clearly doesn't want him anymore? Why does Collins love Stoli so much? Why did April…

On second thought, that's enough examples of those unasked questions. Anyway, my point is that there are just things that you DON'T bring up. Especially when you're a brooding, moody rock star going through withdrawals and trying to deal with your girlfriend's death at the same time.

Though one day… a nice, relaxing day when I was strumming contentedly on my guitar and Mimi was out picking up some groceries (with Joanne's money of course) Mark put down the camera and asked one of those questions. I didn't know he had it in him.

(Flashback!)

Sunlight streamed through the small windows in the equally small Loft. Roger was leaned against the tiny window seat and strumming a lazy and unconcerned beat on his old guitar and Mark was busying himself with his camera. There came a break from Mimi's boisterous singing when she left to run some errands and the two boys were very much alone in the silence. Roger's casual strumming changed to a distant humming in his raspy, voice and Mark paused for a moment to listen.

In fact, Mark was afraid to make any kind of comment for fear of ruining the quiet moment. He just watched his rarely unconcerned friend and gawked as he took a rare moment of peace. There was no self-torture in his eyes and for once it seemed his body wasn't aching from the virus. He looked… peaceful. Mark probably hadn't seen that expression since the 12th grade. He had filmed some of it, knowing it would make excellent footage to use for later, but now he merely watched with his own eyes rather than the camera's.

Roger noticed Mark's poorly concealed stare and finally stopped his music making to stare back.

"What's on your mind Cohen?" he asked teasingly and balanced his guitar carefully on his lap. Mark only had that expression on his face when he was contemplating something deep and important. Mark looked taken aback a this tone and realized that there had been something on his mind. There had been something on his mind for many, many years now and it was bubbling to the surface. So without realizing it… Mark let it slip.

"Why did you want to stop the drugs?" Mark blurted out and then blushed immediately afterwards. There barely came a pause after this question before Mark began to babble. "I'm so sorry Roger, I shouldn't have brought it up! You were so relaxed and now I've gone and ruined it for you…" Mark moaned and hid his face in his hands.

When he looked up though he didn't seen pain in his friend's expression. Nor was there anger hidden in there. He looked merely… surprised. It was a forbidden question after all.

"Wow," Roger muttered as he leaned back against the cool glass. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Wow," he repeated and closed his eyes for a moment. Mark remained silent but felt incredibly guilty for ruining such a lovely moment.

"If you don't want to talk about it…" Mark finally said quietly before Roger shushed him. He smiled and opened his eyes again though there were some tears in the back of them.

"It's okay. I haven't thought about April in such a long time…" Roger trailed off and then took another deep breath. "I guess it started when we were walking home one night from a gig. I was wasted and she was wasted but something seemed to be troubling her." Mark waited patiently while Roger seemed to pause to recall the details.

"She looked so damn good in that maroon shirt and her black tights underneath her mini skirt. The moon was reflecting off her skin so nicely and her flesh was so warm in my hand. Probably one of the most beautiful moments she ever had," Roger muttered more for himself than to Mark. Mark smiled and offered his own opinion.

"April always looked stunning," Mark said softly. Roger smiled and nodded in agreement. "I think it was the hair." Roger was silent and then continued on like he normally would.

"Like I said, she was acting peculiar and finally I had to stop and ask her what was wrong. She was flustered but she eventually explained herself after some prodding." Mark leaned forward expectantly as the words slid from Roger's mouth. "She said she wanted to quit the smack that night."

(End flashback)

I remember that night clear as day. It doesn't matter how wasted I was or how the pavement had blurred in front of me. Our conversation is forever engrained in my mind. In order for Mark to truly understand the full gravity of the words I launched into a detailed explanation and description, leaving nothing out.

(Flashback)

The doors to a dimly lit bar bust open and a giggling couple staggered through them. The night air was chilly but neither seemed to notice as long as they clung to each other closely.

"That was a beautiful performance Roger," April breathed as she caught her breath. Roger kissed the top of her head fiercely and continued to walk at the brisk pace they were holding.

"Not as beautiful as you look," Roger added after getting a good look at his girlfriend. April blushed lightly but soon the embarrassed color was gone from her cheeks. Her large green eyes turned up towards the sky and she smiled widely.

"You can kind of see the stars tonight," she slurred somewhat drunkenly and giggled again. Roger humored her for a moment and gazed up at the barely visible stars as well. She was right of course. The usually endless canvas of black was dotted with faint white spots and for a moment he wanted to put out every light in New York. Then maybe they wouldn't be faint nothings against an overbearing blackness.

"You could see the stars perfectly in Scarsdale," Roger randomly added and swung April into him, looking back before him. April snuggled against his warmth lovingly and wrapped an arm around his waist. Roger's hands remained across her shoulders and he grinned devilishly. "You're teasing me now!" April laughed and pressed in closer.

"Maybe I am," she coyly added and snuck a quick kiss on the lips. Roger desperately tried to make the kiss deeper and longer but April was diligent. Finally, Roger gave up with a deep sigh and continued walking with a disgruntled air.

"See if you get anything," he muttered and April sighed.

"As far as I knew, I was in control of that," April reminded him and Roger scowled playfully. He gave her shoulders an affectionate squeeze.

"Oh really?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow. Before April could react he pressed his lips on hers in a passionate kiss. April melted instantly and no longer tried to fight against him… she never really wanted to anyway.

Both stopped walking as the kiss deepened even more and turned into a desperate tongue war. The kiss grew more and more frenzied until both thought that their hearts might just collapse. Finally though Roger drew away and grinned as April whimpered in protest. He chuckled and allowed her to pull him back in for a while forcefully before drawing away once more.

"What can you say to that?" Roger teased and waggled his eyebrows down at her. April grinned widely before responding.

"I say we need to start walking a little faster," she breathily announced and the two began to walk briskly once more, occasionally giving hungry kisses to the other as they went. As they walked the two passed by a small medical clinic, closed for the evening it said. Even so, April paused outside of it and stared in surprise and small amounts of horror.

Roger felt her stop and turned back to see where exactly she had gotten to. Not that he had to look far since her hand was still clasped firmly in his.

"What?" Roger asked and curiously peeked around her to look at the clinic. It didn't seem to be anything very special but April seemed enthralled by it. "April, what's wrong?" he asked with a frown. April shook her head and turned back to continue walking. Roger stared at her in confusion but allowed April to practically drag him away while she worked on getting a smile back on.

Roger noticed though that her kisses were more subdued and that she seemed to be thoughtful rather than bubbly and lively like usual. He tried to ignore it and told himself that it was probably nothing. She was on her time of the month was all…

However, outside of his apartment building April cleared her throat and put her hand on his shoulder gently. He looked down at her with a warm and expectant smile but it faded when he saw the serious expression on her face.

"Roger," she began and bit down on her lip nervously. Roger waited impatiently for her to explain whatever it was she needed so they could get to his room. "What would you say if… if I wanted to get clean?" There came a long tense pause before Roger finally broke the intense gaze uncomfortably. "Hypothetically!" April chirped and tried to erase the anxious look she knew as written on her face. Roger frowned and finally looked back up again in concern.

"Why would you want to do that?" he questioned. April laughed as if it didn't matter at all and shoved Roger lightly.

"No need to look like your dog just died," April teased and snatched the keys away from his fingers lightly. "I was only wondering!" Roger gave a short laugh in relief and shook his head.

"What a stupid idea," he chuckled and held the door open for April eagerly. April smiled and nodded but forced the hurt down inside of her. He couldn't possibly understand…

The couple went upstairs and enjoyed a pleasant evening in each others company. But in the morning April eagerly awaited a phone call, claiming that her mother was supposed to call to just check up on her.

Roger never worried about it. It was just April's mother after all…

(End flashback)

I now know that April was waiting on the clinic to call her back in there… to give her the results of her test. Thinking back on that conversation I feel like such an idiot for laughing off April's question that way. I wish that I could have taken her seriously and actually considered the thought… asked her what was troubling her instead of jeering. I'll never forgive myself for it and that is why I wanted to get clean.

I never cared how much it hurt just so long as I could honor April. And maybe I hoped that if I tried hard enough it would bring her back.

(Flashback)

Mark and Roger stared at each other silently. What Roger had just confided in him blew Mark's mind actually. Crazy, party girl April had actually considered giving up the smack?

"Wow," Mark muttered. Roger also remained pensive and silent staring down at his guitar. He was thinking about why exactly he was suddenly able to tell Mark about all of this. Before he would have just told Mark to bugger off and leave him to work on his big song but now…

"It's easier to talk about it now," Roger said softly. Mark leaned forward again as his attention was grabbed once more. "I've healed a little… it doesn't sting or burn like it used to." Mark stared wide-eyed as Roger swiftly lifted his guitar again and began to strike out some chords thoughtfully. He thought he heard some familiar strains of the song Roger had written for Mimi…

"I suppose Mimi is to thank for that," Mark noted with a small smile. Roger also smiled as he allowed his fingers to simply wander.

"You all are to thank for that," Roger corrected and flashed a wide grin at Mark. Mark returned it and the loose atmosphere from before returned with a startling ease. He was glad that Roger hadn't been upset, talking about April with him. Roger once more began to strum and hum or whistle to himself distantly, his mind at other places.

True, the subject had still ached a little… remembering all the shit that went on in that earlier part of his life. But he was content now… he was closer to being whole once again. And even though his body fought with a murderous disease every day and there were some days he just wanted to sleep and never wake up Roger kept on trucking. He had hope again.

Just then some loud clicking of heels and a rich, furious voice from outside of the door and the rattling of keys accompanied her ranting.

"Muy tonto…" was heard among other swear words that Roger had come to learn quite easily. Mimi usually found an occasion or two to sling them at him in a fit of rage. "¡Tú espera… tú espera!" Mimi threatened as the door flung open and she stalked angrily into the door.

"How did the shopping go?" Roger asked casually. When all he received were a string of exasperated curses and some banging of brown paper bags he had his answer.

"Not so well then," Mark muttered and ducked into his room to escape the wrath of Mimi. Roger sighed and set down his guitar, feeling obligated to go and see what was wrong.

"What happened this time?" Roger asked with a smile on his face. Mimi always did look good when she was fuming about some nut job who had annoyed her. Mimi whirled around and explained the whole situation quickly and angrily, the words coming out in a big blob with some Spanish mixed in as well.

Roger barely listened but nodded and grimaced at the appropriate places. He just looked at her though… barely able to accept that she was real. Mimi Marquez, one of the toughest but sweetest Latina girls you would ever meet… and she was all his.

(End flashback)

I'll always love April I suppose. How can I not think of her and feel the tug at my heartstrings and wonder what might have happened if things had turned out differently. Would April have died early anyway of the disease? Would we still be together or would I still be alone? Would I have still met Mimi? I try not to dwell on these so much but I can't help but imagine it wistfully.

Though quite honestly, I can't imagine life not being the way it is right now.

A/N: Well there it is! The reason that Roger decided to give up the drugs and go clean! I hope you liked it! I personally LOVED the way it came out! And sorry about the limited Spanish… I wanted to use more but I'm still not the best at it and should probably wait to expand my vocabulary before tackling something like that. Here are some translations though! In the meantime, please review!

Muy tonto- Very stupid

Tú espera- You wait