A/N: Well, I'm back again! I really shouldn't be working on this story yet but I had this wonderful inspiration and just couldn't wait. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've beat this topic to death the way someone would beat a dead horse… but I wanted to give it a little different perspective. Please review! The title of this chapter doesn't belong to me either. I'm not entirely sure who sang the song originally but it belongs to whoever wrote it I suppose.

Disclaimer: I don't own RENT or anything to do with RENT.

I'm Ready For My Close Up

I Can't Stop Loving You

It's hard losing a person that you love. And believe me, I've lost a fair few of them. My mother is dead, Angel is dead, and April… April left me. I think hers was the one that hurt the most because she chose to leave me. And not only just leave me but leave me alone after revealing the most horrifying and shocking news that I've ever received in my entire life. It stings. I cried. I hated her. I loved her. I missed her. I thought I couldn't love again.

Then little old Mimi came knocking on my door asking for some light. That was my first step to the road of recovery… though it was a very long and winding road.

And even though I love Mimi very much… there are just certain days when I can't stand being around her. It hurts too much and I push her away despite her own hurt and confusion. I regret that but I seem to have no control over these actions.

(Flashback)

Roger woke up in the morning at about seven a.m.. He briefly wondered why the hell he was up this early seeing as how he had been up until about three in the morning the night before. And then he noticed that his eyes were heavy and his limbs were lifeless… almost like dead weight.

"Am I sick?" The thought sent a wave of fear coursing throughout his body as pulled the blankets around him with weak and feeble fingers. He couldn't be sick… how did this happen? He knew that one simple cold could turn into…

And then the realization hit him as if he had fallen out of bed.

It was the two-year anniversary. Roger groaned and buried his head into the pillow and felt his heart lurch painfully in his chest. Distinctly, he felt Mimi stir next to him but continued to sleep peacefully.

Mimi had never encountered him on an April day before. Whenever they had occurred they hadn't been together… a fact that had made the days all the more painful and hard to bear. The reminder of the loss of two women he loved at once had come close to smothering him.

But this day would be the worst.

Two years ago today, Roger had come home to April's apartment to the most horrific thing he had ever witnessed.

Roger instantly recognized the dangerous path that his thoughts were leading him and desperately tried to think of something else. Anything else that would help not think of… that. He thought about waking Mimi so that he could talk with her instead but found he didn't have the strength or will to do so. He was much too tired… perhaps he should sleep some more.

Sleep actually sounded very nice. If he were still on the smack he could easily have a painless and dreamless sleep that was free from April related topics. Roger knew he would never stoop to that though and settled for closing his eyelids and forcing the sleep to come.

But with each passing second he could feel the depression seeping through his body and turning into something he did not want to be right then. It was pressing in all around him and filling up his senses with horrible but intoxicating thoughts.

"She must not have really loved you… if she did, she wouldn't have left you." Roger shuddered and pushed the thought away. He knew from experience where these thoughts would lead him and he wanted to stay far away from that path.

But Roger had such a strong urge to grab his guitar. His fingers and palms ached from want of the guitar and Roger could feel himself giving in. The idea was so alluring and so pleasant that he didn't even think twice as he kicked the covers off and padded across the room to where his guitar lay. Roger picked up the instrument and sighed as the cool wood slid underneath his fingertips. It was a very calming and relaxing feeling that Roger never wanted to stop experiencing.

Roger glanced over at the still dreaming Mimi and looked at her for a moment. She was so beautiful when she slept… but she still reminded him horribly of April. April also had looked so wonderful as she nodded off to dreamland. So peaceful and serene…

With another heavy sigh, Roger quietly plucked out some guitar chords and smiled as his fingers automatically shifted to a song that he had been working on for the past month. It was a new one that Roger hoped he could perform at bars and even cafés… hoping to find work.

Unfortunately, the sound woke Mimi and she opened her eyes blearily. Once she realized where she was and that Roger was no longer next to her on the relatively soft bed, she understood immediately. The Latina smiled sleepily and gently rolled over to her back and propped herself up on her elbows. Her back rested against the pillow and her hair was splayed about her shoulders messily due to her sleeping habits. Her lips parted into a yawn and she watched her boyfriend with adoring eyes.

"That sounds great," she mumbled and gave Roger another weary smile. Roger started a little at the sound but forced himself to smile at Mimi. He shrugged and broke the eye contact almost as soon as it was made and stared down at the tight strings.

"Couldn't sleep," he muttered as an excuse. Mimi nodded, a little more alert, in understanding.

"I imagine song writing can be a bit obsessive," she agreed and continued to watch him in silence. The seconds seemed to drag on as Roger played his guitar and tried his best not to look up at Mimi… something he was surprisingly good at. Once Mimi's mind became a little less groggy, she too slipped out from under the blankets and shuffled over to the doorway. Normally, she might have given Roger a kiss good morning but she new better than to do so while he was "working".

"I'm going to make some tea or something," she explained and opened the door softly. When she heard Roger grunt as a way to show that he had heard her after all, Mimi walked all the way out of the room and allowed her feet to scrape loudly against the floor. It was bound to wake Mark up (he was such a light sleeper and so obnoxiously irate when he was woken up without need) but Mimi didn't care at the moment. She had inherited a pair of Roger's old plaid pajama pants (Maureen had given him a new pair at New Years as a bit of a gag gift) and a band t-shirt to use for sleeping and she loved the smell that came off the clothes. It smelled like him.

So, with the sounds of Roger's moody guitar playing going on in the other room to accompany her to the kitchen, Mimi poured some water from the tap into a pot and turned the burner on nervously. The last time she had tried this the knob had broken off and they were all forced to call the fire department to help them turn the stove off. It had been quite the expensive call… but at least the building didn't burn down.

Luckily, the knob stayed in tact and Mimi was able to boil her water. And despite the normal sounds of the water beginning to bubble Mimi couldn't help but feel that there was something strange about the morning.

(End flashback)

I know I was probably being overdramatic. Okay… I knew I was being overdramatic about it all. It's just that I hadn't grieved for her in so long and the remembrance of that day just sort of brought all the pain and grief back. I know I'm not supposed to regret but that does that mean I'm supposed to forget? I know I wasn't very fair to Mimi that day. If I was being very honest with myself, I was a complete and total bastard.

Somehow though… she understood. I don't know how on Earth she could have forgiven me for the way I acted but she managed to. I suppose Mimi is just that way. She forgives easier than most can… definitely easier than I can.

She was ultimately there for me though, whether she liked it or not.

(Flashback)

"Hey Roger, do you want some lunch?" Mimi asked sweetly as Roger emerged from the bedroom. He stared at her for a moment and slowly shook his head. After doing this, Roger reached over and filled a glass with water before retreating back into the room and shutting the door with a bang. Mark noticed this chilly exit from his best friend and cocked an eyebrow over his drink. He stopped unfolding the paper that he had been hoping to read this afternoon and glanced from Mimi to Roger's closed door.

"Did you two have a fight or something?" he asked curiously. Mimi turned to look at him and he saw the confusion that was written all over her face. He frowned at this and wondered what could possibly be going on. Mimi never looked confused after an argument.

"No… he's been like this all day. When I woke up he was at his guitar, claiming that he hadn't been able to sleep. Now he just isn't talking at all!" Mimi cried in exasperation and threw herself down onto the couch in despair. "I don't understand it!"

There came a thoughtful silence between the two friends as they pondered Roger's strange behavior.

"Who knows Mimi?" Mark finally said and began to unfold The Village Voice with a slightly concerned air. "You know how sensitive he can be." Mimi nodded but stared at the door in hurt and confusion. She just couldn't seem to understand what was wrong. Roger hadn't acted this way since… well since before he left for Santa Fe last year!

Mark sighed and glanced down at the headlines in the paper with little interest, mildly hoping that there would be a story bigger than whether some cleaning product actually worked. It wasn't until his eyes skimmed over the date printed in bold letters across the top that comprehension dawned in Mark's mind.

"Oh shit," Mark muttered and closed his eyes in realization. Mimi looked over at him in concern and frowned.

"What? Did you bite your tongue or something?" she teased, chuckling at the look of what she thought was physical pain on Mark's face.

"It's the two-year anniversary," Mark stated and shook his head wearily. "I can't believe I forgot about it!" Mimi's eyebrows knitted together and quickly walked over to where Mark was seated.

"What are you talking about?" she asked with mild fear lacing her words. The sentence hung in the air for several seconds before Mark forced himself to make eye contact with Mimi. Somehow, Mimi just knew that this had something to do with April even though she had no evidence to back it up with.

"Two years ago… April killed herself," Mark whispered painfully, glancing over at Roger's closed door in concern. It explained everything. The lack of speech, the moodiness towards Mimi, and the guitar. In an instant Mark's eyes were back on Mimi.

Mimi's reaction was not quite what he had expected either. At first she stared at him in surprise, not really registering the words that had just reached her ears. Then a very confusing facial expression was painted on her beautiful facial features… almost like a bizarre cross of incredible hurt and inexplicable loathing and desperation. What was even more bizarre was the fact that Mark knew instantly what must be going through Mimi's head. She was wondering why Roger should be so affected two years later. She was wondering why he hadn't shown his pain in so long around her. She was wondering why he would still be thinking about a past love when he had a new one in front of him.

In short, Mimi's facial expression was asking, "What about me?" Mark didn't really blame her. It was a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction for a girlfriend to have when she finds out that her boyfriend has a mental breakdown on certain days of the year because of a past flame. But she had to understand that Roger had loved her so much.

"Mimi… you have to understand," Mark began gently and smiled over at his friend's lover. "Roger was so in love with April that when she killed herself… she left his huge gaping hole in her wake. She killed herself after giving Roger the worst news of his life." Mimi paled slightly and the hurt feeling seemed to dissolved from her face a little but didn't entirely disappear.

"You never quite stop missing someone you loved."

(End flashback)

Needless to say, I was beyond depressed. I was listless, numb, aching, and unable to hear or see anything around me. This was what it had been like all those years ago and realizing she was gone. I was wallowing in my own self pity and could barely recognize the voices that were conversing quietly in the living room. I didn't really care either to be honest.

I didn't know how much I just needed someone to hold me. To tell me that everything was okay. I thought what I needed was time alone to cry and to grieve if I so wished but I was wrong. I needed so much more than that.

(Flashback)

Roger's eyes twitched upwards as the door opened but then fell back down to the guitar. He was still testing different chords and rhythms… swearing in annoyance when they didn't work and writing them eagerly down when they did. His head bobbed up and down thoughtfully as he tapped a beat out onto the wood of his guitar but stared down at the floor. His heart was thumping so painfully…

Mimi paused in the doorway and just watched him for a moment. Mark had warned her not to bother him when he was in his "April state" and that all he would need is time to get over it. Mimi just had a hard time believing that you should leave someone so morbidly depressed alone in a room while he slowly tortured himself over the past. It wasn't healthy.

So, she walked slowly over to where Roger sat and stopped a good distance away from his huddled and hunched form that was leaned against a wall. She then leaned down and seated herself carefully on the hard floor but found this ridiculously uncomfortable. So she didn't noticed that Roger watched her shift and grunt in annoyance before finally stretching out on her stomach on the floor to watch Roger play guitar. When she felt his eyes on her though she looked up at him and smiled softly.

No words passed between them. Roger simply stared at her for the longest time and Mimi didn't feel threatened or uncomfortable. He was really more staring out of her in surprise so she knew he wasn't angry with her. If he had been upset he would have already started shouting or glaring at her in that dead scary way of his. When his gaze was finally broken from hers Mimi felt moved to say something. So she did.

"What was she like?" Mimi asked innocently and watched Roger's face intently to see his reaction. He looked back at her again, startled once more by her actions. "Mark told me what day it is," she explained softly and her brown eyes pleaded with Roger to open up to her. "You never talk about her to me… and it can't be good for you to keep it to yourself. Mark said that you opened up a little bit about her a few weeks ago but that it wasn't really much."

Roger looked hastily back down his guitar and banged out a note. Mimi winced, thinking that she had pushed it too far and that now he wasn't going to talk at all. She was just about to take her leave when Roger did something entirely unexpected.

He knew that what Mimi said was true and that he was tired of feeling so depressed about this. He knew he could never quite move on from April… but talking about her would help him immensely. So he stood up and walked over to where Mimi was lying uncomfortably on the old and dusty floor. He then lowered himself to the ground but instead of putting his weight on his stomach he was flipped over on his back next to Mimi. Mimi followed his lead and rolled over so that she was right next to him, a hand on his chest for support. In fact, Mimi rather liked the way that when Roger finally did talk that the vibrations from his deep and raspy voice shot through her fingertips and up into her arm.

"She was a spectacular woman," Roger began and Mimi smiled encouragingly. "She had… beautiful red hair and a radiant smile." Roger paused and looked down at Mimi with a faint smile twitching at his lips. "That's why you took me by surprise Christmas Eve nearly two years ago. Your smile was so much like hers." Mimi sighed and allowed her head to rest on his shoulder.

"And I thought you were just saying that," she teased lightly but was immediately quiet again. This was Roger's moment and he needed to have it without interruption from her.

"Well… she was such a ray of light. She was bubbly and energetic and always had something positive to put into a conversation. Collins thought she was spectacular as well and the two were always hanging out together. In fact, if I hadn't known for a fact that Collins loved men I might have been jealous." Mimi suppressed a giggle and waited for Roger to continue. He had gone so quiet that she was worried that this was too much for him.

"I loved her so much… I would have done anything for her. I took her for granted though and always just assumed that she would be there." At this, Roger looked down at Mimi again and she would have sworn that his voice cracked with emotion. "I'm not going to let myself make that mistake again." Mimi felt her heart lurch and nearly cried when he put an arm protectively around her waist and pulled her closer.

"I'm so sorry," Roger apologized thought it was muffled for his face was buried in Mimi's massive curls. "I didn't mean to be so distant today." Mimi reached up with her free hand and touched his head gently in understanding. "I just want you to know that I love you more in so many ways than April. April would have never come to be with me if I was like this. Her way of comforting me would be handing me a small baggy of smack." Mimi could tell that he was about to go on and list everything that he loved about her more than April and quickly quieted him.

"It's okay Roger. I know. You can still love and miss her too." Mimi could feel tears of emotion pricking her eyes so she quickly wiped them away before she could actually cry. "I never gave up on you Roger Davis and I never will." Roger squeezed her waist gently in affection and Mimi grabbed his hand and squeezed it in return.

A long silence followed in which the two just laid there together on the floor and relishing each other's company. They hadn't moved or spoken in a long time and even though their bodies were stiffening and were crying out in protest they still did not move.

"Do you want to get up and see Mark now?" Mimi asked softly, hoping that his answer would be what she thought it would be. Roger shook his head and Mimi felt it happily.

"Let's just lay here for a while," he responded and Mimi nodded and leaned into him even more.

"Good," she murmured and tightened her grip on Roger's hands. Roger never wanted to have to move again. It was then that he knew that he wanted Mimi next to him for the rest of their shortened lives.

"Just lay here and forget the world," he added softly and Mimi grunted in response. Luckily, Roger's mind remembered how frail Mimi really was and managed to reach over and grab a blanked off their bed without disturbing either of their positions.

The blanket practically draped itself over them as the two lovers found comfort in a simple action.

(End flashback)

I will always miss April. Little things in life always remind me of her and I find myself saddened by her memory. But luckily, with help from my friends, I'm beginning to finally move on and those hard days are becoming less and less painful. I always remember not to be a prick about it too because I remember Mimi and how little time we have.

Ever since Christmas last year we've been on pins and needles keeping an eye on her. At any moment her weakened and vulnerable body could go into a relapse and she could be gone… forever. I try my best not to think about it but it makes it hard to spend time feeling sorry for myself. And in a weird sort of way, I'm glad for that. For a while at least, I can be happy again. And I'm willing to take whatever I can get.

A/N: Mmmmm… yeah. Dead horse. :D Sorry about that but I just couldn't pass it up! Please review! Oh, and there was a reference to the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. So obviously, I don't own any of that either. The opportunity was just TOO GOOD to pass up though!