Author: Amber fly

Series: Doctor Daniel Doolittle.

Title: Ants in Your Pants 03/

Warnings: None

Feedback: Yes Please.

"I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education".... Polynesia.

The spider debacle of the previous day had been exhausting.

Daniel had forgiven Jack. Jack knew he was still being eyed him warily, but only hearing the occasional huff, figured all was well.

Daniel was an early riser, subscribing to Benjamin Franklins edict," Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Devouring his Captain Crunch sugar hit, Jack scooped up the escaped cereal balls and told Daniel to watch his show quietly.

"Danny, I want to read my paper and drink my coffee in peace? So, you behave and we'll discuss what to do today a bit later."

"Okay, what can I watch? Can I watch one of your movies?"

"No."

Neck sporting a bright orange child band-aid and a bruise on his forehead, Jack sunk into his favorite leather armchair, delicately plucked the morning paper up with his elegant fingers, crossed his long legs and tried to make himself…. invisible.

Truly the epitome of wishful thinking.

The morning cartoons weren't Daniel's favorites, and trailing out of the kitchen, milk moustache covering his top lip, he called out he was bored, thirsty, and hungry.

A picture of serenity, Jack rustled his paper with interest as he turned one page onto the next. "What?"

Danny ran into the den, and catapulted himself lovingly in the middle of Jack's lap, demanding to see the extent of his life threatening injuries. "Hey, can I see Morgana's fang marks?"

With the accuracy of an Ace fighter pilot, Danny took out both the morning paper and capsized Jack's cherished cup of Jamaican double roasted blend coffee. The scalding liquid missed Danny, but spilled into the bruised and fanged colonel's … extremely delicate part of his anatomy.

Startled, scalded, and with tears rapidly forming, Jack leapt up and jumped around frantically, desperate to relieve the newest agony he suffered. Daniel was instantly dumped onto his ass, giggling and clapping his hands at the wonderful antics of his parent.

"Ole," he cried, and skillfully cha-cha-cha-ed along with Jack.

Step – for - agonizing - step.

"Give me strength," muttered Jack through gritted teeth, and turning to fix the object of his torment with a steely glare, did a u-turn in the air with his finger and mouthed, "OUT."

"Oh-well," snorted Daniel, "no real harm done." Daniel rarely if ever seemed to take offence at Jack's crankier morning side, and dancing the cha-cha-cha- out the door called over his shoulder, "What a cool band-aid!"

Collapsing back into his dampish leather chair, coffee drenched and now paperless, Colonel Jonathan O'Neill watched open mouthed as his little friend elegantly exited the lounge room.

"Little fart! I'll cool band aid your rosy ass!" And sighing, he rolled his eyes towards heaven thinking calmer thoughts.

Jack then dragged his eyes towards the morning carnage, and studied the coffee stained rug. "Why me?" He binned the trashed morning paper, while whispering conspiratorially to the lampshade (also with coffee splotches on it) "Hey, bulb boy, was it something I did in another life?"

Walking gingerly down the hallway and stopping when his sixth sense kicked in, Jack peered into the den and saw his treasured fair-haired child genius engrossed in an article on his laptop.

Pencil in mouth, glasses askew, glass of orange juice with an enormous straw teetering precariously, Doctor Jackson appeared in deep investigation mode.

Something big was brewing and that little dust cloud puffed all around him.

Thinking carefully, deciding to ignore the look of zeal on the child's freckled face, praying it was just constipation, Jack continued on his way.

"Nothing that ever appears on that child's laptop," he explained to the glossy green philodendra on his left, "ever bode well for me."

Wincing with pain, Jack began peeling of his coffee stained pajama bottoms, lamenting how little the thin cotton had protected his personal bits from spilled coffee. Sighing, he tossed the pjs into the wash basket and slipped on a pair of much tougher 501's. "Should have thought bright idea half an hour ago!" He grumbled.

Dressed and eager to attack the new day before it attacked him, Jack called out to the little maniac he was rearing to move his butt. "Turn of the computer, kiddo, and let's go out for brunch. I will buy you one weak Starbucks latte and a blueberry muffin if you promise me that you will not badger, beg or manipulate that Jaffa moneylender into buying that goddamn python. Deal?"

It was a fair deal.

Racing out of the den at a break neck speed, skidding down the timber hallway on his white socked feet, Danny nodded happily. Cheekily agreeing to anything if it would get him that decent cup of coffee.

Standing on Jack's toes, butt sticking out, he raised his voice and arm simultaneously. "Sir, yes, sir." Falling about on the ground helpless with laughter, Daniel eventually sat up breathlessly huffing, "Whew! Did'cha get my joke?"

"Hilarious. Get ready and stop dribbling on your clothes."

Crossing his eyes at the unimpressed scowl on Jack's whiskery face, Daniel bounced to his feet and wiping the seat of his pants demanded clarification. "Coffee and a muffin?"

"Is that not what I said? Shoo, go before I remember you spilled coffee all over me and smack your bottom for you."

"I guess the snake idea was lame, Jack. I have been doing some research and I have a far better idea! Wanna hear? Got your check book?"

"Oh, for the love of God, what now?" Gnawing at his thumbnail, Colonel O'Neill rattled his car keys in his pocket and whispered,'Thor, buddy, can you hear me? Now would be a good time to beam me away!"

"Wait and see, Jack! Boy, will this be a great surprise!"

Raising his arms up in the time honored tradition kids use to be picked up, Daniel gave his scowling parent a drool encrusted kiss.

Jack winked, warning, "Remember Doctor Doolittle, no snakes."

Opening the Ford's door one handed while juggling a squirming Daniel in the other, Jack, dumped the child into his booster seat, managing a hit to the head with the latest car book.

"Ouch, for crying out loud keep! Keep still Daniel, and put that encyclopedia down."

"Oops, did your head hit my book, again? Anyway, I'm sure you didn't mean it. So, wanna hear about our new pet?"

"Maybe, wait a bit, I may have concussion."

Showing Jack the six year old part of his personality, Daniel abandoned his encyclopedia for a joke book bought covertly by Teal'c. Carefully reading aloud some of the lamest pet jokes on the planet he constantly dissolved into fits of giggles.

"Jack, listen to this! A little boy walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest lisp."Excuthe me mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?

The Shopkeeper asks do you want a widdle white wabbit or a widdle thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?

The little boy turns and saths real seriouth like...I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit!"

Daniel, convulsing with laughter, dribbled and snorted through his nose.

Jack sat frozen faced with horror.

Huffing from the exertions of laughing hysterically, Daniel changed tracks again, and opened up the heavy book he dragged around for the last few hours. Carefully reading the marked page, finger under each word, he called out with triumph. "Ant farm, Jack, we are going to buy an ant farm!"

Driving to the mall while half-listening to his little scientist's lecture interlaced with the lisping words that had him busily translating, Jack laughed gently. Daniel had found a website that promised him coupons for some free ants, and he figured he'd be safe.

"Sounds like something I could afford."

See! Told you this was a great idea!"

Scratching his face and feeling the dry dribble from Daniel's kiss, Jack grinned and thought. "Ants? Not in my pants - kiddo."

But when did anything ever go smoothly for the O'Neill's?

TBc…