Chapter 2
The Reasons
Zeke's POV
Not eating gave me an escapism. In some ways it was my biggest secret, something for me and me only. And in other ways it was a cry for help. I knew all of this. I'm not stupid. I knew it would show soon. As in really show. But it'd just have to hide it. I mean, I've always been skinny so I guess there wouldn't be that much difference…would there?
It started when I first arrived home. I didn't know who my family were. I didn't trust them at all so when they offered me food I declined. I was starving by the end of the week. But the weird thing was, I liked it. It took my mind off of what happened. It was like a distraction and something I can control. Nothing in my life seemed like it was under my control, not even who my family was for a while. You know, it doesn't even feel like my life. I don't know what my life is, I don't even know me. Yeah, getting to know yourself is something all teenagers go through but not like this. I mean, have you ever totally been lost? Have you ever asked who someone is not knowing you're talking about yourself? I didn't think so. When I finally did remember that these people were my family, I still didn't eat. I wasn't entirely sure why. I still don't know why.
This was something to keep my mind on. It was big enough to take the pain away replaced with the physical pain of starvation. Why I couldn't deal with this another way, I don't know. I couldn't find another way. And when I found this way, I didn't look for another. This was doing me fine.
And now I avoid it whenever I can. I make excuses, sometimes I pretend I'm in a foul mood or that I'm really down and I go in my room and stay in there, pretending to sulk. Ringo's barely in all the time so it's not difficult to hide it from him. Susan's being Susan: constantly worried. Sunny doesn't really know me well enough to notice if I act differently and Karl's away right now.
You know, sometimes I wonder if they even care. Yes, I was doing my best to be secretive and everything but surely something was noticeable. Would they care if they had realised? I mean, I never wanted them to but in a way I was hoping someone would think I'm not quite alright as I make out.
You know how I do it? You know how I hide it? I say I've already eaten sometimes. Rarely, I'll say that I'm ill but mainly what I do is keep the conversation going at the dinner table. Every time I lift up my fork I always say something and ask random questions. Get their mind on other stuff. Maybe confuse them. I disguise my plate as though I've been eating from it and when others are done I offer to take their plate for washing up. They never know. Especially as it's my job I have to take the bins out every night. Another alternative.
I never thought it would get too far. I had it under control. I know that starving yourself could lead to heart attacks, mainly, but I never would let it get that far. I didn't want to die. I wouldn't go to that extreme.
Would I?
The Reasons
Zeke's POV
Not eating gave me an escapism. In some ways it was my biggest secret, something for me and me only. And in other ways it was a cry for help. I knew all of this. I'm not stupid. I knew it would show soon. As in really show. But it'd just have to hide it. I mean, I've always been skinny so I guess there wouldn't be that much difference…would there?
It started when I first arrived home. I didn't know who my family were. I didn't trust them at all so when they offered me food I declined. I was starving by the end of the week. But the weird thing was, I liked it. It took my mind off of what happened. It was like a distraction and something I can control. Nothing in my life seemed like it was under my control, not even who my family was for a while. You know, it doesn't even feel like my life. I don't know what my life is, I don't even know me. Yeah, getting to know yourself is something all teenagers go through but not like this. I mean, have you ever totally been lost? Have you ever asked who someone is not knowing you're talking about yourself? I didn't think so. When I finally did remember that these people were my family, I still didn't eat. I wasn't entirely sure why. I still don't know why.
This was something to keep my mind on. It was big enough to take the pain away replaced with the physical pain of starvation. Why I couldn't deal with this another way, I don't know. I couldn't find another way. And when I found this way, I didn't look for another. This was doing me fine.
And now I avoid it whenever I can. I make excuses, sometimes I pretend I'm in a foul mood or that I'm really down and I go in my room and stay in there, pretending to sulk. Ringo's barely in all the time so it's not difficult to hide it from him. Susan's being Susan: constantly worried. Sunny doesn't really know me well enough to notice if I act differently and Karl's away right now.
You know, sometimes I wonder if they even care. Yes, I was doing my best to be secretive and everything but surely something was noticeable. Would they care if they had realised? I mean, I never wanted them to but in a way I was hoping someone would think I'm not quite alright as I make out.
You know how I do it? You know how I hide it? I say I've already eaten sometimes. Rarely, I'll say that I'm ill but mainly what I do is keep the conversation going at the dinner table. Every time I lift up my fork I always say something and ask random questions. Get their mind on other stuff. Maybe confuse them. I disguise my plate as though I've been eating from it and when others are done I offer to take their plate for washing up. They never know. Especially as it's my job I have to take the bins out every night. Another alternative.
I never thought it would get too far. I had it under control. I know that starving yourself could lead to heart attacks, mainly, but I never would let it get that far. I didn't want to die. I wouldn't go to that extreme.
Would I?