Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, sadly. 

Warnings: SMEX, angst.

Pairings: L/Raito, Raito/L

Summary: L finds a new addiction. Will he be able to break it or will it be his down fall? SMEX. L/Raito, Raito/L

Notes: Thanks for the comments/reviews for this chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please tell me what you think.

Chapter Six: Grief

Standing there, staring down at the lone grave stone, Raito hides his face from everyone. They will never see his distress like that night. It hurts deep within to lose L. He never thought it would be this way. He was sure his plan was great, but he never expected to fall in love. For the first time, he had someone who understood him and now it is gone. There is no one else who could compare to the older man and damn does it hurt him deeply.

'Raito.'

Looking up, expecting L to be standing there, Raito closes his eyes tight, trying to make the tears disappear. The voice of his beloved sounds so heavenly but he knows it isn't real. He watched L die and couldn't even stop it. But the other side of him says it is better this way. Sacrifices are needed to better the world. Of course, this sacrifice was the greatest of all. He gave up his love.

A couple of steps away from his son, Yagami notices the pain written all over Raito's face. He wants to give comfort to his boy but he is sure his son would not accept it. Walking a couple of steps, he puts his hand on Raito's shoulder and whispers, "I know what I said before, but I never meant it. You are always welcome home, Raito." As everyone else heads down the path, he notices Watari and Raito not moving. Taking his hand off his son's shoulder, he whispers, "I am here for you." After saying those words, he leaves them be.

Turning his head to look back, Matsuda wants to say some kind of words to make their new leader show a happy face. Sighing loudly, he catches up with everyone else. No words will make this all right. It means they should fight even more against Kira.

Back at the grave, Raito asks without raising his head, "Why did L name me to succeed him?"

Telling the young boy straight, Watari answers, "He believed you would do well being the leader and hope you would revenge his death."

To revenge his lover's death means the end of his life. What can he do? He wants to revenge L's death but at the same time he wants to make his perfect world. It is complicated now. Staring at the grave stone that reads 'Ryuuzaki', Raito chuckles bitterly, "I'll revenge his death somehow." He hears footsteps walk away from him, giving him time alone. Kneeling, he whispers, "Why did I have to fall in love with you? Everything you did drove me insane even when I didn't have my memories."

'Yagami-kun.'

Why does L's voice haunt him so much? It is almost like it is telling him he is at fault. It is true that he is responsible for the older man's death. Tears slide down his face like that night.

"I see you will at least mourn my death."

Yes, it is true, he mourns L's death and it hurts. Raito hates feeling this way. It would have been better if his emotions were never involved. Clawing at the dirt, he stares at the false name written in front of his eyes, yelling, "Damn you! Damn you, L! Why did you do this to me!? It is your fault!" Even though he blames the dead man, he knows it is his entire fault. He doesn't want to believe in it. A lie is better than feeling guilt and pain. Standing up on shaky legs, he looks down once again and whispers into the wind, "Maybe one day I will revenge your death. Maybe one day Kira will fall and join you." But now it is time for him to work as both Kira and L. It is the only way to keep the others off his trail. He has to thank L when he sees him again to give him a way to be powerful and making people run around in circles. With determination written on his face, he stands proud and heads back to headquarters. It is time to make a new world.

At headquarters, Watari walks in to see the task members. Looking at each of them, he speaks, "I hope you are still willing to do what you have done."

"I want my son safe and that is all." Yagami retorts with a tired expression. He refuses to let his son do the same thing L did and he hopes Raito won't risk his life by provoking Kira into action like L did.

With his head lower, Matsuda responds firmly, "Ryuuzaki was a friend and a true leader. I stay, regretting nothing." Lifting his head to stare at the elderly man, he continues, "I am in until we find Kira and give him true justice."

While Mogi nods his head to agree, Aizawa states, "I didn't like L's methods but he was good. I'm not leaving."

Stepping inside, Raito speaks up calmly, "We will revenge L's death. I will not let Kira escape from this." Only if the others knew that he was the one who ended L's life. Mogi and Aizawa give him a nod in approval. Matsuda gives a small smile at him while his father gives a concern look at him. It is Watari that scares him. His eyes narrow at him but he keeps his mouth shut. After looking at everyone in the room, he asks what is on everyone's minds, "Are you staying, Watari?"

"Yes." Watari answers. "L was like a son to me. I will not step away until his killer is taken down."

Showing no fear on his face, Raito feels it inside. He knows Watari means his words. Why didn't Rem kill Watari off? Shaking all thoughts aside, he walks forward and sits down in his old chair. When he glances sideways, he is sure that L would be there, accusing him all over again. Sadly, the pale detective isn't there and pain arises inside of him. Without looking back, he mutters, "Everyone should go home for the night. Tomorrow, we will work to get Kira." Matsuda whispers a few kind words while Mogi and Aizawa leave him to his own grief. His father gives his shoulder a squeeze and asks if he wants to return home. He shakes his head and watches Watari walk them all out. Standing up, heading toward the room where he once shared with L, he lets his mask drop, tears falling staining his face. When he enters the room, he notices nothing has changed. Lifting his shirt, he throws the second death note onto the bed. Staring at it like a curse, he mutters, "I should give up."

"Why do that?"

"Because I lost everything."

"I thought L was your enemy, Raito."

"He was, but he was the only one like me."

"I told you once that a human who possesses a death note only knows misery."

"I know, Ryuk." Raito answers. "Go find yourself an apple or something." He sits on the edge of the bed, opening the book. When he looks up, he doesn't see the shiginami anywhere. He opens a laptop near him and begins to kill. It is time for Kira to rise to godhood.

In the monitor room, Watari sighs in grief and rubs his tired eyes. He should go and tell the task force what he sees, but he will follow L's orders to the letter. Looking down at the letter, he whispers, "L, how could you think this would help?"

Watari,

What ever happens, do not turn Raito in. Not right away. He will stop being Kira himself. If he doesn't stop within a month, then have him arrested and let justice take him on.

L

Turning the cameras off that he once told L to put in the bedroom without Raito knowing, Watari turns around and closes his eyes. He only can hope it will work like L thought it would.

In the bedroom, Raito lays down ignoring the headache. Closing his eyes, he tells himself a thirty minute nap will do him wonders. He has to stop grieving or he will never do what he planned. As his breathing even out, he falls into a deep sleep.

An hour later, a voice awakes the young man. Sitting up in bed, he stares with wide eyes at the pale man sitting with his knees pulled to his chest and his thumb pressed against his lip. Shaking from head to foot, Raito whispers, "You're dead."

Tilting his head, L mumbles around his thumb, "Of course, I am. Kira-kun killed me. No, you killed me."

"NO!!" Raito begins to scream. "I didn't mean it to happen that way!"

"You mean you did not want to fall in love with me. You meant to kill me and now I am dead."

"No. You don't understand. I… I… love you, L"

Startled, Raito wakes up and looks around the room breathing heavy. When he doesn't see a ghost of his beloved, he finds Ryuk floating above him laughing like a manic. Calming himself down, he asks annoyed, "What?"

Laughing loudly, Ryuk mocks, "I love you, L."

Throwing a pillow at the shiginami, watching it go through Ryuk, Raito flops back onto the bed, groaning, "It was a dream." Looking over at the clock, it reads two in the morning. It is almost like living with L all over again. Thinking on his deceased lover, he turns his head away from the mocking shiginami and lets more tears fall.

"Shut up, Yagami-kun. I hate to hear your lies."

But his words were true. In all his life, he lied to fit in but he didn't lie when he told the detective that he loved him. Throwing a blanket over his head, Raito curls up in a ball, letting his emotions over run him.

Watching the human who gave him the best fun in a long time shaking under the blankets, Ryuk shakes his head not understanding why humans are so emotional. Flying through the wall, he watches the elderly man standing there.

"I hope for everyone's sake that you were right, L." Watari whispers, believing he is alone. Turning away, giving the young man privacy to grief, he walks down the hall, shaking his head in what is left of the team.

The next day, Raito sits in his chair, typing quickly on the computer, pulling up everything from before. He can only hope that L didn't leave anything behind to convict him. Turning around when the door is busted open, he stares at the worry Matsuda.

As everyone turns to look at him, Matsuda cries, "Do you see the news!? Kira killed almost thirty people in one night."

Slamming his hand down on the table, Aizawa growls, "Kira must think without L, there is no one in his way."

Yes, it is true, that he doesn't believe anyone could catch him, but he must play the good perfect person. Sighing loudly, Raito points out, "But he is wrong. We are still working on the case."

"With Raito-kun on our side, there is nothing Kira can do." Matsuda yells happily. "After all, he and L were on level with each other. Kira won't stand a chance."

Mogi and Aizawa turn to look at him oddly but he ignores it. There is no proof that he is Kira. That was what L needed and he didn't get it. Turning around, Raito sighs, "I might not be as good as L. I might be on his level, but I don't have the experience like he did."

"Of course, I am. Kira-kun killed me. No, you killed me."

His chest hurts badly. Raito doesn't want those words in his head anymore but they keep haunting him.

"But you solved cases before." Matsuda states.

Slamming his hand against the desk, Raito growls, "Stop comparing me to L. I'm not L!" As everyone turns to look at him in shock, he shakes his head. Last night, he couldn't go back to sleep in fear he would dream again. Lowering his head, he whispers, "Sorry. It is just too much too soon."

Yagami retorts, "We understand, Raito."

No, they don't, but he won't tell them that. No one would understand because no one ever killed their own lover. Hiding his grief behind a mask, Raito mumbles, "Let's just continue to work. Maybe we can get a clue and finally solve this damn case." Part of him wants to end it now, to tell them all that he is Kira. The other part tells him to keep his mouth shut and continue to work on making the world perfect.

Entering the room with a tray of coffee and food, Watari tells everyone, "Please consider others' emotions." Putting a fresh cup of coffee in front of the teenager, he continues, "Please sleep more, Yagami-kun. I doubt it would do anyone good if you do not rest."

"L didn't rest."

Chuckling slightly, Watari explains, "Oh he did rest, just no one saw him do it."

Stepping toward his son, Yagami retorts in a worried voice, "Raito, you need rest."

"I won't rest until we catch Kira." Raito vows only to hide his face from view. It would mean he would never rest since Kira is in front of everyone eyes. He refuses to die so early in his life. Staring at the screen, taking a slip of his coffee, he thinks, "Losing you is making me lose my mind. L."

Laughing, floating, and taunting, Ryuk teases, "You will never rest unless you turn yourself in."

Mogi points out, "L believed Raito-kun was Kira. Was it a good choice to choose him?" Aizawa and him discussed about it earlier, trying to figure out why L choose Raito.

Looking at his two best men, Yagami wishes to say something to them, but closes his mouth. He would like to hear that too. As he glances at elderly man, he asks, "Why did he choose my son really?"

"No one else can take up the L title now. Yagami-kun is the best choice and I stayed behind L's decision." Watari answers.

The day goes on with no new leads. Of course there aren't any leads. Raito made sure of that. As he glances backwards, he mumbles, "Maybe everyone should go get lunch."

Matsuda asks, "Want to come with us?"

Letting his fingers glide over the keyboard, staring at the screen with information that he already knows, Raito answers, "No. Bring me something back." Once he hears them leave, he leans back and closes his eyes. Not sleeping all night long can get to him.

"Why?"

Opening his eyes only to jump back from a pale face and dark large eyes staring at him, Raito stutters, "How… How are you?"

"Does Yagami-kun not know?"

"L." Raito whispers, afraid he would awake any minute. As he lifts his hand, he whispers more words, "Don't leave me." He touches L's face, giving a small smile. His entire body shakes from fear.

"I cannot stay."

"Why?"

"Because I'm dead."

"But I miss you. God, I miss you."

"You killed me, Yagami-kun. There is no turning back."

"I didn't mean to. It wasn't supposed to be that way."

"Good-bye."

"I love…"

Falling off his chair, Raito stands up in rage and throws everything off the table. L was there but isn't now. When everyone walks in, he listens to their questions. Flopping onto the chair, he mutters, "Leave me alone. It was nothing. I fell asleep and had a dream." Besides the questions for his actions, he hears Ryuk's laughter ringing. When will he stop dreaming of his lover?

Notes: What do you think of this chapter? Please leaves comments/reviews. I hope you all enjoyed it.