Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, sadly. 

Warnings: SMEX, angst.

Pairings: L/Raito, Raito/L

Summary: L finds a new addiction. Will he be able to break it or will it be his down fall? SMEX. L/Raito, Raito/L

Notes: Thanks for the comments/reviews. Please tell me what you think.

Chapter Ten:

A couple weeks goes by without L calling him. As he sits at the desk, studying hard, Raito finds it all boring again. When he was Kira, there were things to do that interest him. It also let him meet L. Leaning back in his chair; he realizes he misses the older man. It is the same feeling he got when he believed the detective was dead. Startled out of his thoughts by a knock at his door, he quickly pulls shirt sleeves down to cover his arms up. Looking over at the door, he replies with a sweet voice even though he doesn't feel anything but sorrow, "Come in."

Walking in his son's room, Yagami asks, "How is school?"

With a raised eyebrow, Raito turns around to face his computer and sighs, "Mom worried about me."

"She knows you were helping us with the Kira Case." Yagami explains, watching his son flinch. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he continues with his parent talk, "I know you want to see him again. I could…"

"I doubt he wants to see me."

"How do you know that? What I heard from Watari is he feels the same about you."

Looking down at the piece of paper that he is almost finish writing, Raito mutters, "You wouldn't understand."

"Then explain it to me, son." Yagami tells Raito.

Turning around annoyed, Raito retorts, "You still would not understand. We both made mistakes and neither of us can take back what we did to each other. We can't be together." It is the truth. They hurt each other to the point of no return. Can they forgive each other? Can they forget the past that hurt them to move forward? He doubts it. Standing up, ready to leave the room, he feels his father grab at his arm making him hiss in pain.

In quick movements, Yagami stands up and pulls up Raito's sleeve to see some cut marks over them. Looking at his son with concern, he asks, "How long?"

Pulling his arm away from his father, Raito pulls the sleeves down again. He already feels the shame for doing such a stupid thing, but it was the only thing he could think of that didn't involve drugs or booze. When he notices the firm look in his father's eyes, he answers without thinking, "A week and I haven't done it for a couple of days."

"You are going…"

"If you ever say a therapist, I'll leave." Raito threatens.

Smacking his son across the face, Yagami retorts firmly, "Do not ever threaten me like that again. I am your father, you will show me respect."

Touching his face and feeling blood drip from his lip, Raito stares at his father in shock. How could his father smack him like that? This is the reason he hid from everyone who was near him. They would never understand what he is going though and telling them would end his life. Watching his dad leave his room, he flinches when the door slams shut. It hurts deep within and he can never show anyone. The only person he could be open with is long gone. When his phone rings, he jumps startled out of his depressing thoughts. Grabbing his cell phone, he answers, "Hello."

"It is good to hear your voice."

Falling to his knees, letting tears flow down his face, Raito feels like he is in heaven to hear the one voice he missed even if it is emotionless. Gripping the phone like his life line, he asks, "Why haven't you called?"

"The last time I saw Yagami-kun, it seemed he wanted his space."

"I need you."

"I cannot leave my location due to a case."

Curling his knees up to his chest, Raito mutters, "I really need you." Wiping the blood from his lip, feeling it being sore, he really wants to be with L and no one else. He could less about leaving behind his family and so-called friends. He could do school online with flying colors. He could do anything and still be able to live wherever he wishes.

"I never knew Yagami-kun was weak."

"I'm not weak!"

"Yagami-kun is acting like it."

Ready to flip at the detective, Raito stares at his arms, realizing he became weak. It isn't him at all. The person he was; was strong and prideful. The pain in his heart made him feel weak. All this time he wanted the one person he couldn't have. They hurt each other with their words, actions, and pride. As he stares out his window, Raito knows he felt shame for everything. L risked his career, his life hood to protect him and it made him feel the shame. Loosing his grip on the phone, he whispers, "You hurt me."

"And Yagami-kun hurt me. We are even."

"An eye for an eye."

"Yes."

With a bitter smile, Raito mutters, "Bastard."

"I have to go Yagami-kun."

When the lines disconnects, Raito stares at the floor like it the most interesting thing in the world. The future lines ahead if he would take that step forward to make it there. Tossing his phone onto the bed, he whispers to the empty room, "You seem to always know what I need. It is too bad we can't be together."

At a hotel, L leans against the glass window, staring out at the city below him. His hand holds onto the phone. Why did he call the teenager? Was it something inside that told him he had to check in on Raito? When the door opens, he hunches his back even more. Looking through the glass to see Watari's reflection, he asks, "Will they tell him?"

"They will not tell him unless you say other wise. But…" Watari states.

Cutting his caretaker off, L speaks, "But he might see it a way to help Yagami-kun."

"He just called and informed me that Yagami-kun has been cutting himself."

Those words make him fear for the younger man. He wants to help the other. He needs Raito in his life. That isn't right. He wants the teenager in his life. As he stuffs his hands into his pockets, L retorts, "I'll talk to him."

"I doubt he wants to talk but to see."

Turning around, L smiles and responds, "We both need our space to figure out what we need and want." He already has admitted he wants the other man. It is up to Raito now. That is what he fears the most. Maybe the teenager doesn't want him around.

At the Yagami household, Raito sits down at the dinner table with his head held high. It is time for him to move forward and do what he desired to do since he was a child; became part of NPA like his father. As the food is passed around the table in silence, he can sense the tension. With a fake smile, he comments, "Some finals are coming up."

Sachiko asks, "Do you think you are ready for them?"

Looking straight at his father, Raito remarks, "I'm ready for them and will ace them."

Giggling loudly, Sayu comments, "You are so confident of yourself."

Raito smiles at his sister and listens to the chatter between his family. He notices his father's silence and figures it is about their fight earlier. There is no way he will bring up the topic. No one needs to know he was weak for a while. Yes, it is the same. It is boring but he will make it though. He will not let himself become weak again. After his meal, he excuses himself to finish his homework. It is a lie but no one needs to know that. Lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, he wonders what L would be doing. He hates thinking about the older man but no matter how much he tells himself to forget the detective he can't. Glancing at his phone, he ponders if he will ever get a call from L again. As he closes his eyes, he whispers, "It doesn't matter. It is over." It will only be a memory in his mind to think on.

At a hotel, L stares at the T.V. pondering over what he should do next. Couldn't they put something more interesting on? Sighing loudly, he rubs his thumb against his lip. Should he call? Should he talk to the teenager once again? Going with his emotions, he dials a number that he remembers by heart.

A sleepily voice answers, "Hello."

"I see Yagami-kun was asleep." L answers.

"Yeah."

"Did Yagami-kun have pleasant dreams?"

"Somewhat."

"Somewhat?"

"I was dreaming about you. You seem to be on my mind all the damn time."

Something warm goes inside of him to hear Raito dreaming about him. As he leans his head back, he mumbles, "I dream."

"You dream what?"

"Our times together."

"They were horrible."

"Yagami-kun thinks so."

"I was chained to you."

Laughing softly, L remembers those times. It was bad and good at the same time. As he closes his eyes, he whispers, "I remember Yagami-kun having no complaints when we were together."

"You're a pervert."

"Yagami-kun enjoyed it. He enjoyed every moment of it. He enjoyed the way I would kiss his neck, the way I would slide my body down his."

"Oh god."

Chuckling softly, L loves the sound that came out of Raito's mouth. As his hand slides down his clothe body, he thinks it is the younger man's hand. Gripping at his cock, he moans, "You enjoyed running your hands over my pale body while I teased your body to madness."

"L." Raito moans.

"Are you touching yourself?"

"Yes."

"You naked?"

"Just took my boxers off."

"Hmmm, now Raito is at my mercy."

"Yes." Raito whispers breathless.

"I would pitch your nipples until they are hard while I run my tongue down your neck to them, sucking them until you begged."

"I don't beggg." Raito moans.

"Oh you would. You would scream out my name over and over until I took mercy on you and move my head lower while nipping at your sensitive skin."

"I want your mouth around my cock."

"I want to suck you dry." L responds while pulling his pants down, freeing his stiff cock from their confines. As he rubs himself, he whispers breathless, "I would suck; run my tongue around Raito's hard cock, making him squirm."

"I wouldn't squirm. I would grab your hair, running my fingers through it, wanting more of your talented mouth."

"You would squirm for me. I would start to play with your balls while sucking you."

"L."

"Raito."

"Oh god, L I'm close."

"So am I. You would watch me with half-lid eyes, taking more pleasure in it."

"YES! L! NGG!"

"Raitooooo." L moans out as he releases. Closing his eyes in bliss, he whispers breathless, "I miss you." Silence greets him but he knows the other is still on the line. He can hear Raito's harbor breathing.

After a few minutes of silence, Raito mumbles, "I… I… wa… can't do this."

Not opening his eyes to find himself alone, L replies, "I know." It hurts but he refuses to show that in his voice. The teenager can never be with him. It is far too dangerous and it would hurt the other worse.

"I'm sorry."

"Why be sorry?"

"Because of being…"

"I do not need an apologize for that." L cuts off the other. As he opens his eyes, he grabs some tissues and cleans himself up. Once again, he is alone.

"I don't need you."

"I know." L says with his heart breaking apart into little pieces. Of course, he will never show the hurt within his voice or his expression. He learned long ago how to hide everything from everyone.

"Guess this is goodbye."

"I am afraid it is."

"It would have been nice."

"A lie is just a lie, Yagami-kun. It would never hide reality." L retorts, knowing it is the truth. He once believed in a lie to only have his heart break apart on him. Pulling his pants back up, he walks to the window, staring out at the city below. Closing his eyes, refusing to let tears fall, he whispers, "It was a beautiful lie we had."

"A lie is just a lie, L." Raito repeats his words. "Goodbye, L."

"Goodbye, Yagami-kun." L responds back and hangs up. Opening his eyes to stare out at the darken city, he turns when the door is open. As his tears finally fall, he mumbles, "It would have been great to believe in a lie."

What can he say? How can he make L feel happy? With a soft look, Watari replies, "Sometimes those lies are really the truth."

Turning away from his caretaker, L retorts, "Not this one. It is time to leave."

Setting down the tickets, Watari asks, "Why did you come back here if you knew it would do no good?"

"Japan became like a home to me."

Turning to leave, Watari mutters back, "Yagami-kun became a home to you." He leaves his ward to his thoughts and tries to think of a way to make everything right again. It hurts to see his young ward in such a state.

At the Yagami household, Raito stares up at his ceiling, letting the tears fall down his face. The words he said were lies only to hurt the older man like he hurts. Pulling the blankets over his head, he whispers, "It doesn't matter. He is far away from Japan and I will never see him again." Even with those words said, there is no comfort. He feels alone like always. Closing his eyes tightly, he realizes something. He doesn't need L but he wants the detective. As more tears fall, he mumbles into the blankets, "I ruined that change."

Sitting in his small office at home, Yagami stares at the family photos. When did everything become so different? When did Raito's smile become so fake? As his phone rings, he answers, "Hello."

"Yagami-san, I need a favor." Watari's voice rings over the line.