Chapter 10 – Nyota
I sat in the middle of our bed with my knees to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. The boys ran into the room and I closed my eyes. I love them but looking at them is really painful. I have to look at Spock on the bridge then I have to come home and look at him too twice. I wiped my eyes as they jumped on the bed. I kissed them both on the head and looked at the clock.
"Hmm its 2230 hours why are the two of you still awake?" I questioned and they looked at each other and smiled.
They were playing their favorite game.
"Mommy we want to sleep with you and daddy." Soren pouted.
I sighed heavily. I hate this game. They do it often. They think that Spock and I don't know they do this to get him and me together again. This game has been going on for the six months that Spock and I have been separated.
"Ok then call your dad and ask him if he can come over." I said not willing to fight with them right now. "Computer where is Commander Spock?" I questioned.
"Commander Spock is in the science lab." The computer answered back.
"Soren to daddy." He called into the com.
I scoffed at my son.
"Soren and Skylar to Commander Spock." I said into the com for them.
"Spock here." He answered.
"Daddy can you come home please we can't sleep and we want to sleep with you and mommy." Skylar said rushed.
I could hear the slight chuckle in Spock's voice.
"On my way." He answered.
The com went dead and they both looked at me and smiled. I shook my head at them. They stood at the bedroom door ready to pounce on him the moment he entered which is exactly what he did. He picked them both up and placed them on the bed.
Those old tingles shot through my body when he looked at me. Moments like this made the separation harder. I wanted to be with him I needed to be with him. My body craved him. My mind craved him and most of all my heart craved him. The only thing holding me back was every time we kissed or he touched me I would see them together.
The boys lay in the bed while he took his boots off. He would leave his uniform on because he will be gone once they go to sleep. He took his boots off to lay down with us. Skylar curled into me and Soren into Spock. I ran my finger up and down Skylar's face that always put him to sleep.
Soren played with the bottom of Spock's ear and sucked his thumb. Spock kissed Soren's forehead and stroked his hair as he drifted to sleep. In no time the soft snores of our sons filled the room. We locked eyes and he was my husband again. His eyes were filled with the words he would never say. He moved gently to not wake Soren as he prepared to leave. I dislodged myself from Skylar's grasp.
I stood in front of Spock and took a deep breath. I ran the back of my hand gently across his face. My heartbeat quickened. I held my hand up in the Vulcan salute. My hand was shaking with a nervousness I haven't felt since our first time together.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and buried his face in the fabric of my shirt well his shirt. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. I dropped my hand and ran my hand through his hair. I could not hide the tears that fell from my eyes falling into his hair. He pulled himself from me and looked up into my eyes.
He stood and I backed away from him. I used my fingers to wipe some tears from my eyes. My trembling fingers were replaced by the gentle swipe of the back of his hand.
"It would seem that I always put tears in your eyes." He whispered.
"You do." I answered simply.
I turned my back to him. I stood there in my boy short pajamas and threw my robe around me cinching it at the waist. I turned back to face him and tried to maintain my whispered tone in an attempt not to wake the boys.
"You still can't or won't share the touch with me!" I yelled in a whisper.
"It is illogical your emotions still will not allow you to forgive me." He answered in a whisper.
"You want forgiveness Spock? I just opened up for you and you couldn't bring yourself to…" I paused as anger washed over me.
"You couldn't bring yourself to share something with me that you shared with a stranger. I love you beyond reason and logic but I can't keep doing this." I stopped myself and looked out the window.
"If we had shared the touch would you feel only you and I or would you feel her here as well?" He questioned in a strained whisper.
My eyes darted back and forth across his face. The face that I loved to run my fingers across. The face I loved.
"I don't know Spock." I sighed again. "I feel like I don't know who we are anymore. I'm afraid that if we're together you'll loose yourself again. I've watched you. You're becoming more and more like your old self. I'm selfish I can't go back to that place with you. The closed off focused only on job and career. I'm not the same girl who feel in love with her professor." I said pausing to wipe away a fresh batch of tears.
"I'm a woman with four children. I'm still so in love with you but there is no band aide to fix this. I don't know what happened. I thought we were happy but then I found out you were pretending."
"Nyota I was not pretending. I was indeed happy."
"But?" I questioned stern faced.
"No buts Nyota. I feel you will never forgive me. I may never forgive myself. I love you more than anything or anyone. But I can not keep causing you pain." He whispered and placed a gentle hand on may face. I closed my eyes at the contact from his hot skin.
"How do we tell the kids? Soren and Skylar already don't understand why you stay somewhere else. How are we going to tell them it's always going to be this way?" My voice cracked and he opened his arms.
I fell into his open waiting arms as enough tears to fill an ocean flowed from my eyes. I knew I had to let him go. He was drowning this way. I know that he would have sacrificed himself for this family. He would have kept ignoring the Vulcan in him scratching to get out. He needed the control of his logic.
I once thought that he'd found the balance he craved but it was painfully clear now that he'd only pushed one side of himself away for the other just as he's been doing his whole life. I was no different from everyone else in my own way I demanded that he be human even if I never said the words or realized. Now it was too late to repair.
He scoped me up into his arms. My tear soaked face rested in the crock of his neck as he walked us into the living room. He sat down and I sat on his lap. I sat in the same position he carried me in. Long minuets passed.
I stayed there in his arms the safest and only place in the universe for me to be. I never needed a blanket around him because his body is always hot. He kissed my forehead and I smiled softly. I felt myself drifting off to sleep.
"Nyota." He called softly.
"Yes Spock." I answered in a sleepy whisper.
"I will always love only you." He whispered to me as his hand ran down my face.
I knew I would wake up in the bed next to the boys but if this is the last time he'll hold me like this then I want to fall asleep in his arms one last time.