Chapter 11- Nyota
I sat in the mess hall staring at the stars.
"A credit for your thoughts." He said with a smile.
"Hey Jim." I said softly.
"I'm sorry you're hurt again Uhura." He said softly and I smiled.
"I am too. But no worries I'm not abandoning the ship again."
"Well that's good to know." He said with that boyish grin he is famous for all over the galaxy by now.
"I'm still available you know." He added and I rolled my eyes.
"Jim." I scolded. "You're his best friend, Godfather to our children and I have been on a few dates with Lt. Boma."
"I was just making you aware if you changed your mind. Wait Boma?" He said with that smile and slightly shocked.
"Yes Boma. How long do you want me to mope over Spock? He will always be the love of my life and father of my children but I have to move on." I said sadly.
"Couldn't you move on together?" Jim questioned taking a sip of his drink.
"I've tried. I can not fulfill all of his needs and I can not get over what he shared with her." I answered.
"I get it I guess. But I know he's hurting Uhura. You and the kids are everything to him and I can't help but feel like this is my fault."
I smiled at the man I call Captain and friend.
"I know what our family means to him. But something is missing in him and he needs to find it. I suppose he'll always suffer from an identity crisis of some sort. He's been ignoring his Vulcan needs for a long time and now it's too late to fix our fracture."
"See why I never wanted to fall in love." Jim said with a smile.
He ran the back of his hand against my face. It took me back to when Spock was leaving for Vulcan to marry T'Pring. Soren and Skylar are still really too young to understand what is going on but Grayson and Amanda took it really hard as did Sarek.
I watched my now ex husband go through his days as a now single man again and the Vulcan exterior he put on was stronger than ever. I would catch him watching me sometimes and then there were wordless moments that would pass that would always end with a smile from me.
He's been doing double shifts lately doing the grave shift and then the morning shifts with Jim. Every now and then I would do a grave shift with him. Any shift with him is uncomfortable. Graveyard shifts are generally boring tonight I had to be on duty with him.
"Are you going to be ok tonight with him on the bridge?" Jim questioned.
"Jim it's not as if we haven't been working together all this time."
"I know it's just that now the divorce is final." He added.
"Yes it is and Spock is nothing if not professional. I like to think that I have been behaving as professional as possible. Are you finding my performance less than it should be?" I said slightly aggravated.
"No. Your performance as always is stellar. I just worry about you that's all." He replied and I softened again.
"Thanks Jim. Speaking of shifts I better get up there before I'm late." I said standing.
I stepped off of the lift and he acknowledged my presence with a small head nod. I slightly tilted my head in response. Lieutenant Boma joined us on the bridge at the science station. I touched Boma's back and smiled at him.
"Lt. Uhura a pleasure to see you as always." Lt. Boma said with a smile.
I know I saw Spock's eye twitch. I sat at my station and Spock was right beside me.
"Ms. Uhura we are experiencing heavy interference on subspace transmissions." Spock said from the side of me.
"I will make the necessary alterations." I answered and prepared my station for the diagnostic test I had to run first.
Spock leaned against the console and I started at him with curious eyes. His hand rested on the console holding him up but I noticed his hand shaking slightly.
"I must speak with you." He said in a whisper that only I could hear.
"Yes Mr. Spock." I answered looking into his eyes.
"It is of a personal nature." He added and I tilted my head in curiosity.
"Is it about the kids?" I questioned praying silently that he would say no.
"Not fully however it does concern our up coming trip to visit them." He answered and my mouth opened.
"Spock you're not cancelling are you? They were both devastated when we cancelled our last trip then we dropped the bomb on them about the divorce. We have to go and see them." I said rushed but in a whisper.
"Yes Nyota I know our visit is very important. If you are free during your lunch break I will speak with you then." He said staring into my eyes and I was pulled in.
"Sure that will be fine." I said with a nervous smile.
I watched him closely. Something was wrong. He seemed to be distracted not something that Spock experiences. I noticed that he was fidgeting sometimes his hands would shake.
I rose from my seat and walked the short distance to the Captain's chair. I placed my hand lovingly on his shoulder.
"Spock are you ok?" I questioned in a whisper.
"I'm fine." He answered coldly.
Taken back I stared at him.
"Is there something else you need lieutenant?" He questioned turning to look at me.
"Commander I was just…" I paused the bridge was not the place to give him a piece of my mind. "I will be going to lunch now and I wish to spend it alone." I added and walked away.
The boys were staying with Kelly tonight so I had my quarters to myself something that is entirely rare. Sleep claimed me quickly. I woke slowly when I heard the bedroom door slide open. He grasped my shoulders and pulled me up to me knees. His lips crashed down on mine and I tried to resist. My mind screamed at me to pull away from him. But my heart and body caused me to wrap my arms around his neck and enjoy in the symphony that was only ours. His body weight pushed me down onto the bed. Our kiss deepened and I began to become breathless as was common whenever he would kiss me.
As his hands began to roam my body I closed my eyes and a flash of them together hit me and I began to resist again. I regained control of my senses from my Spock induced haze and pushed him off of me. He sat on the edge of the bed and I with my knees to my chest sat at the head of the bed.
"Spock. We're not married anymore you can't just come into my room and do things like that!" I scolded.
"You did not resist." He said in a tone that was angry and almost desperate.
"Spock. I love you. I always will. You'll always be the love of my life but…" I paused because he was sweating.
Spock doesn't get hot and he doesn't sweat.
"Why are we divorced?" He questioned.
I sighed heavily.
"Because I am an emotional human illogical woman." I answered.
"I am already aware of that fact Nyota that does not answer the question." He scolded and twisted his hands together.
I pursed my lips together and bit my bottom lip.
"I suppose it's because I wanted to be everything for you and I'm not. When I realized I couldn't or wasn't satisfying all of your needs my pride was damaged. But what hurt most was that you failed to tell me that you were missing something. We could have fixed it."
He turned to me and placed a hot hand on my face.
"We could fix it still." He said softly.
"I want to Spock. But." I paused. "Every time I close my eyes I see the two of you sharing the touch. I feel the reaction it had on you. I don't know how to get over it."
My breathing became labored and his fingers ran across my lips.
"Do you love Boma as well?"
"No. Well not yet. I don't think that I will ever love anyone the way I love you if that's what you mean." I answered.
His face became constricted. His eyes closed as he took in the current situation.
"I must go." He said as he rose to his feet.
Ok so I know the last couple of chapters have been intense some relief will come soon and I promise I am so working on Amanda and Grayson. I have to make sure I word them right because they are still just kids. They are difficult to write for. I was thinking possibly getting out some more Spock Nyota chapters and jump ahead a few years then get into a Grayson Amanda chapter I don't know just bare with me.
Thanks again guys.