Shoot The Runner.
How many times have I been shot at? Oh too many to count. I used to leave the wounds open, you know, pretend they weren't there. But now I'm taking the time to fix all and I can start my life again.
November 16, 2007 - Saturday
My head's throbbing,
I can't eat,
I've slept all day but now I'm awake.
Now it's time to do what I have to do.
Ryan.
That was how I woke up Saturday afternoon. A throbbing headache, I couldn't eat or drink. I did nothing but sleep. Man that was good. Not having to do a thing but lie there and not worry about a thing. I was still tired when I got up at five-thirty, but it's something I have to do. I remembered yesterday as I grabbed my clothes and headed towards the bathroom. Two-Bit telling me Jean and mom want to see me. That's where I was going today. I was going to ask if maybe I could move back home. After what Scott told me yesterday in the car, I thought moving back home to be the best thing for me right now.
I had a quick shower and then pulled on my jeans and a white t-shirt. My stomach rumbled, I hadn't eaten since about three o' clock yesterday and I was starving. Yet I couldn't eat anything as I sat at the kitchen table. Donna, Marie, Scott and Daniel were all sittin' with me, but they were playing poker. I had a plate of their left-over pizza in front of me but it stayed un-touched. No one knew I was going to see Jean and my mom. They thought I was going downtown or somethin'. So when it was six o' clock I decided it time to leave. I threw the pizza in the bin on my way out, grabbed my jacket and Scott's car keys.
"I'm takin' your car Scott!" I yelled to him as I went out the front door. I didn't wait to hear his reply. Besides, he said I could use his car whenever I wanted to. I hopped into the car and pulled out of the drive way. No one knew I was coming tonight. But I think a surprise would be better than them knowing I was coming. If they knew I was going to come they might purposely leave the house or something. Because the more I thought about that little conversation with Two-Bit, the more I think it was just his way of saying 'We should spend more time together.' Either way, it will be good for me start talking to my family again.
I took my time getting there. I didn't want to interrupt them while they were eating, they might turn me away. I was nervous the whole way there, trying to convince myself that I was dropping by to borrow Two-Bit's blade. But then another part of me said 'He wouldn't let you borrow that blade'. Then I tried coming up with a reason he would let me borrow it. Soon, I was confused in all these thoughts and I came back to reality when I ran a red light and almost hit someone. But not even that could get my mind off the fact that I was going to see my mom and Jean. I didn't park out front of the house but a few houses away. Maybe they'll see me and hide, I thought. No they wouldn't do that, because they really do want to see me. Again, I took my time walking to the front door. And before I knocked I took a few deep breaths, tried to pretend my headache wasn't there, and opened my eyes wide hoping to make myself not look tired. If they thought I looked tired they might be able to tell what I've been doing the past few months. I knocked three times on the door and waited. I couldn't hear anything from inside. If they don't come in sixty seconds, I'm leaving I thought. And I started counting. 1. . 2. . 3. . 4. .
"Hey." It was Two-Bit, lucky. He opened the door and I walked in. Even though this was the house where I grew up, I didn't make my way to the kitchen. I stood, waiting on Two-Bit to lead me to my family. I did follow him into the kitchen where my mom and Jean were chatting excitedly about something as they ate. They looked up when I came in and stood in the doorway. Two-Bit stood beside me. Maybe he knew that I didn't want to be alone right now. It took a second for my mother to realize that it was really me. And as soon as she did she got up quickly.
"Ryan! Oh, I haven't seen you in so long!" she said, and hugged me. I hugged her back, glad she hadn't turned away from me. Now, it was Jean's turn. Mom let go of me and I could see a few tears in her eyes. "Ryan, you said you'd be around. I haven't seen you since you moved out." I shrugged.
"Sorry, I've just been real busy." I said, holding her hands and smiling at her. She let go of my hands and went over to the cupboard, pulling out a plate and bringing it to the table. Jean still hadn't looked at me since I came in.
"Here. Sit. Eat." she said pulling out the chair at my place. I smiled and sat down, so did Two-Bit. Lucky Two-Bit was seated between Jean and me. Mom piled a heap of spaghetti on my plate and I dug in. My nerves were settling quickly. Though each time I looked up and saw Jean, the knot in my stomach tightened. I wanted to talk to her, really did. But I was scared. Not worried, scared.
We talked as we ate. Talked about everything and when mom asked about my job I told her "I've asked about gettin' a job at some places but they haven't replied to me yet." She seemed happy with that and didn't say anymore. Two-Bit was still cracking jokes and talking non-stop. As I sat there listening to one of his many stories I was actually amazed I'd lived with the guy for the last seventeen years. I don't know how his friends can stand all that talking. It must get him in a heap of trouble.
I didn't even try to talk to Jean while we, neither mom or Two-Bit noticed. But I waited until after dinner, Two-Bit, Jean and I were sitting around in the lounge room. We were getting on fine until Two-Bit announced he had to meet someone. Off he went and us two were left sitting in an awkward silence. I was trying to think of a way to get her to talk to me. Should I ask how her day was? Should I just say I'm sorry? But I did none of these things since Jean left the room. I sighed and went outside. It was a little cold outside but not so bad. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. While I sat there smoking I came up with a few things I could say to her. I'm sorry, How was your day or, well actually, they were the only things I thought to say.
When I finished my cigarette I went back inside. Mom was in the kitchen and jean was in her bedroom. I knocked on her door lightly. I heard her say 'Come in' and I went on in. I shut the door behind me before she could say anything, or even realize it was me. She looked up and then looked away, back to the book she was reading. I sat on her bed, right at the other end away from her before I spoke.
"Hey Jean. Look I gotta tell you somethin'. Uh, I'm sorry." I said. I imagined her to say 'Let's forget it ever happened.' But she said nothing along those lines.
"For what?" she asked and looked up at me. I didn't know what to say. Did she want me to admit that what I did was wrong? I finally found my voice and told her.
"I-I'm sorry for hitting you." I said. She raised her eyebrows like there was more to my story than that.
"Hitting me? Oh maybe trying to kill me would be more appropriate." she said. I rolled my eyes but stopped when I realized she was still staring at me. Waiting on me to say more.
"Trying to kill you? I wasn't tryna do that. It was just that you. . ."
"You what?" I couldn't finish my sentence. I don't have an excuse for doing it. But she was making me angry. Why didn't she just forgive me the first time I said sorry? There was an unfamiliar feeling inside me. Oh, I had felt this before, but not in awhile. It made me dig my nails into the palm of my hand and made me bite my lip. "Go on finish your sentence." she said.
"You were the only one around!" I said.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean! You were the only one that I could do that to, the only one I could hit. And I know it's wrong. I'm so sorry." I said. She put her book down on the bed and played with a button on her shirt.
"So you think that 'cause I'm younger, you were allowed to do that? You're lucky I didn't tell mom!" she said. "Because I was going to."
"Well lucky you didn't then." I said.
"Y' know mom is just out there. . ." she said, a small smile on her face. That was it.
"Don't you dare tell any one." I said and hit her across the head. I took a deep breath when I realized what I did. No, this wasn't real was it? Jean held her hand to her head and wouldn't look at me. I stood up, I had to get out. "I didn't mean it." I whispered as I headed for the door. "See ya later." I said and walked out of her room. "I'll see ya later mom." I said as I walked past her on my way out of the house.
"You only just got here!" she called after me. I shoo my head as I opened the front door.
"Nah I gotta go, bye." I said and slammed the door shut behind me. I stood there a moment and took a few deep breaths. I can't believe I did it again. I actually did it. I came here to make it up to Jean but I'm making it worse. I can't believe -
"Hey Ryan, what ya doing?" I looked up as Two-Bit and Sodapop walked across the front yard over to me.
"Hey, I was uh just leaving." I said, wondering how long they had been watching me for.
"Well, we were gonna hang out at Soda's place. Wanna come?" Two-Bit asked. I looked at Soda but he was looking down the street. I shrugged.
"I guess that'd be alright." I said, Two-Bit went inside for a second, leaving me and Soda alone. Pretty awkward. . . And I begged Two-Bit to come back outside, which he soon did.
"C'mon." he said nodding towards the road. I followed behind them slowly for a moment before Two-Bit realized how slow I was walking and made a smart remark about it. The three of us walked in a line in the middle of the road. They were laughin' about something that had happened the night before. Both acting as if I wasn't even there. But I didn't mind. I just needed to get away from Jean and mom. I needed to forget that I had hit I'd go back and see her again.
We got to Soda's place quickly he only lived a few streets away. Before we got to his house I could hear the guys inside and the TV too. Just like it always is, I thought.