Chapter 2: No Room For Release
Her skin was crawling she had to move, Alexz opened her eyes and shot up from her place next to Tim quickly unsure of how she'd gotten into her room, and completely unaware that Tim was even here at the moment, she found herself in the kitchen eyes darking everywhere for signs of him, her chest felt like it was caving in, she was full on panicked, her heart pounding almost out of her chest, She tried to rationalize with herself that it was only a dream, "It was a dream you'll be okay, he's not here, hes not here." She chanted as the days events come flooding back to her. She let her back hit the wall where she slid down it, her knees coming to her chest, her face in her hands, it was hopeless and she sobbed, her body shaking, she felt like she was disconnected from her own body sometimes. Like her life has a benevolent essence all on it's own, and it would consume her whole.
She felt so broken, so full and empty, she wanted to crawl right out of her own body sometimes, and find solace in a place no one knew. Her tears became silent, making constant paths down her cheeks, the darkness and shadows of pre-dawn consumed her small figure, no light shed, she'd seek refuge in the darkness sometimes, and others it scared the shit out of her, he couldn't see her, she couldn't see him coming, and it terrified her, sometimes she'd think she was going insane as her brain played out these situations, only known to her and one other. He'd always found her even in the dark, but the darkness made it harder, and hid her tears. Sleep was something she'd only dream of closing her eyes for a second. Trying not to remember the feel his hands over her mouth, pushing her down, holding her with bruising tightness, she'd scream but no one would hear, She'd fight him, kick and slap and cry, but love hurts, love hurts, love hurts, he'd tell her that over and over. Sometimes she'd wondered if it got burned onto her soul. She was never strong enough to get away, he took her, screaming inside her head, get away from this mess!...She inhaled sharply trying to breath through her tears. It was almost like she could feel him even while he was away, her skin would prickle and sting. She never got the chance to fight, sometimes she'd want to just give in.
When she felt like she could stand again, she used the wall for support and made her way into the bathroom, she flicked on the light determined, she moved to the top drawer of the vanity, grabbing a familiar object wrapped in a blue washcloth. She sat down in the chair she'd stationed next to the window, her emotions such a mix she wasn't sure what to do with them. She pulled up the leg of her pyjama pants, and ran the blade shakily over her already aching skin, the effectiveness caused her to gasp. What was it that she couldn't do anything right? She needed a release any type of release at this point, and this was all she knew to do at the moment, like many other moments before this. Tears stained her face, her expression twisted into one of pain and one of some sort of relief. She stood up grabbing for a washcloth and wet it under cold tap pressing it to her leg, having just remembered, how could she not remember?! That Tim was in the house with her, what if he caught her doing this? He'd walk away saying she was a mental case, and she deserved everything she got coming to her, or he'd think she needed to be institutionalized.
She pushed down on her leg with her palm trying not to look at the blood. It always made her queasy, and dizzy. She wasn't sure why she did such stupid things, she felt so lost, she closed her eyes tightly cursing herself for giving into this again. She was so stupid!
She tried to remember where she'd left the gauze and neosporin. Yeah, that was what she needed. She needed to get her leg wrapped up before Tim realized she wasn't asleep, and he found her in the washroom. She could second guess herself and remember that because he was so short on sleep that he probably wouldn't wake up, but she was sure where there was a will, there was a way, and fate was always against her, so why not now as well? Hell, David had caught her before, and when he did, he'd used it against her, making her regret ever touching the blade; One would think a sane person would take that as a 'lesson' to stop harming themselves, but how could that be considered a lesson when it was just more torture. And on top of that, she was far from sane.
Time and time again she referred to herself as a mental case to her friends, though they always took it as a joke. Sometimes she actually believed it. What kind of person would get into this situation and not ask for help? It'd been four long years and she'd never told anyone. Not before tonight. She'd always kept it to herself for fear that someone wouldn't believe her or they'd have her locked up and say she was psychotic, going mental in the head.
She simultaneously stood, holding her leg and hopped to the cabinet, searching for a moment before she found the gauze and the neosporin. She tossed both over onto the vanity and then reached back, grabbing the medical tape before she hopped back to the toilet and sat down, resting her leg on the side of the bathtub.
She grimaced as she removed the washcloth from her leg, trying not to dwell on the cuts or the blood as she rinsed off the cloth in the sink. She squeezed it out a little so she wouldn't drip on the floor, and then moved it back to her leg, wiping up as much of the dried blood as she could before she reached up and grabbed the neosporin and gauze. She put the neosporin onto the gauze and then placed it on her leg, putting a few layers on before she grabbed the medical tape and strapped it down so that her leg would be properly covered. She pulled her pajama leg back down and cleaned up her mess before putting the medical supplies back and trying to get the blood out of the washcloth. She did her best to do so before she threw it into the clothes hamper.
She thought of the first time she'd ever done something like this, her mom had caught her and of course she didn't learn, it was her way of dealing with the heart twisting ache she had in her chest called emotional pain, sometimes she felt like someone was physically taking their hands and twisting her heart, like she couldn't breath past the pain that enclosed her. She'd tried to detach herself so many times over and over, but it always came back, the horror of his rough touch against her as she tried to push away, shed sob, it hurt more emotionally than physically she guessed, although physical scars were apparent, as well as the bruises she'd sported more routinely lately. Things had progressed actually worsened by this point, and now she was helpless against his game.
She moved against the wall feeling breathless as the memory of the days events assaulted her once again. His hands on her throat, the feeling of doom, her thoughts racing in the moment where she was stuck. "Please! I'm sorry!, I didn't mean it!" She pleaded with him, as he slapped her once and again, then pinned her to the floor, pushing her wrists down so she couldn't move them, She twisted them forcefully against him, feeling his chilling breathe against her neck. "No please! Stop David you're hurting me," She heard. her own voice ring in her ears. Maybe she was insane...He hadn't listened to her pleading, only took it upon himself to do what he pleased with her, like a rag doll to him, he'd said she deserved it, and love hurts, thats why he hurt her, love was supposed to hurt. He held her firmly to the floor pulling her pants down with a rough yank. She kicked her feet against him. "David stop I don't want to do this! Stop!," "Stop being a baby Alexz you know you want it. You want me don't you baby Say you love me," She didn't answer him. "Say you love me dammit!," He slapped her face again this time causing her lip to bleed. She sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you okay! I love you, please stop!" She turned her head to the side seeing her reflection in the glass of her entertainment centre. She squeezed her eyes shut not wanting to see this from a second view. He straddled her legs so she could no longer kick and him, forcing her shirt up while holding both her wrists above her head roughly. Why was she so powerless against him. She tried her hardest to bring herself to another place, a place that was safe inside her head, she could feel him touching her, and she wanted to be sick, she felt violated, foolish, disgusted, and so many incomprehensible emotions that could just not be explained in words. She could feel him all over then inside, she cried out sharply in pain squeezing her eyes shut tightly as possible, as tears already made streaming hot paths down her face.
She had to find some strength. She tried to concentrate but suddenly she couldn't breathe, she couldn't breath his hands were around her throat, and she couldn't breathe, she imagined the worst scenario, she'd never be able to apologize to her family or see them again, she'd never be able to hug them, or kiss the two that meant the world to her, two babies that she'd helped take care of so much that they should be hers, what would their world be without her in it? Two little babies that she'd give the world too, who's world was already shaken and broken so much, she thought that she could be the one to help make that different, they were only babies after all. She let her mind drift feeling dizzy, and just before she gave in, she could breathe again, she felt him move off of her, he must be done, one more time he let her live, would it be different next time?... She moved air into her aching lungs, letting it sting for measure of feeling alive...
Alexz found the world of her secluded bathroom, where she'd been in reality, but her mind took her away, reminding her of what exactly happened that day, she was so lost inside this flashback, she hadn't noticed the helpless tears that made paths down her cheeks, the tight grip she had on the towel she'd had in her hands, and the man in front of her with tears in his eyes, looking all to the world like he was broken.
She stared at him wordlessly, trying to come up with something to say, but there was only one thing she could think of to say. It was the one thing she always said. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She struggled to keep from breaking down again as he pulled her against him, feeling his own body shake against hers from the heart wrenching sobs they both were setting free.
"No, don't you ever be sorry, girl. You never need to be sorry. You've done nothing wrong and no matter what it takes, I'm gonna make you see that one day. I'll make you believe it. I don't know when, but you'll realize it eventually." The promise in his voice was sincere, and he wished he could make it happen with the snap of his fingers. Over the four years he'd known this beautiful, amazing angel, he'd watched her fall time and time again, and all he could do was wish that one day she'd come to him for help; which she had, thank God. He only felt worse, never having lived in this type of situation, but he wanted so badly to help her. He wanted to save her from this hell she was in. The love he held for he was unlike no other. He loved himself less because of his adoration of her. Everything about her from her physical features to her spiritual choices, there was no flaw to her as far as he concerned. She truly was an angel.
Once he managed to contain himself, he lifted her chin to look at him, wanting to be sure she was okay. She seemed to be staring straight ahead and he prayed she wasn't trapped inside another flashback. Just watching her through that last one had been harder than anything he'd ever been through. "Spence, you okay?" He spoke softly, not wanting to scare her if she was.
She nodded wordlessly, still staying close to him. She couldn't talk, or even come up with the words to speak to him. She shifted, moving into his lap, finding it more comfortable than the floor. The heart of this man amazed her time and time again. No matter how far down she seemed to get, he was always there to take her hand and pull he back up, no matter what the cost. He made her feel like for the first time in only God knew how long, that someone actually had her best interest at heart, even if she was too scared to do what he asked of her.
"Spence, can I ask you something?" He spoke softly again, his voice coming with a hint of sheepishness. She smiled slightly. He was so cute with bed head when he was tired. He smiled back at her, glad to see a smile finally grace her face since he'd shown up at her house the day before. "Were you feeling sick before? Is that why you were in here?"
She looked down at her hands, suddenly feeling guilty. She didn't want to lie to him, but she couldn't tell him the truth. That would hurt him, and just her luck, he'd probably get up and walk out on her. Or even better, he'd take her to the hospital and tell them to lock her up; Say that she was mentally incompetent and couldn't handle her own problems.
"Ally? Ally, hunny?" Her head shot up as she realized she hadn't answered him, and he looked beyond confused, even worried.
"I'm sorry. I wandered off in my own head, I guess." She continued to stare as her hands as she spoke to him, feeling too ashamed to actually look him in the eye. It made her feel absolutely horrible knowing that she was lying to him when he'd been nothing but sincere to her for as long as she could remember. She only wished she could return that sincerity, but time and time again she seemed to fuck that up.
"Umm yeah, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well," She felt horrible lieing to him, she had to lie to him too much, for the sake of her own safety, for the sake of not being able to handle losing someone else because of this mess she'd gotten herself into. Her hands began to shake all over again, hell she felt like her whole body was shaking, she couldn't lose him too. She prayed that he wouldn't find out her truth. It wasn't a complete lie she felt like she's been run over a couple hundred times, and her stomach felt like it had been stripped with a sanding machine, but still churned over and over. Definitely wasn't a complete lie. She looked over at the window watching as the sun finally began to peek through the slats of the shade. She tried to focus on something different but her mind kept retreating back.
Tim sighed, shaking his head. This poor girl had enough to deal with and on top of it all, she had to deal with the flu as well. He shook his head, kissing her temple. "Do you want to stay in here or go back to your bed? I can get you a bucket if you'd prefer?" He spoke softly, assuming that it was likely she might have a headache.
She shrugged. "Sun's coming up. I have to do that whole phone call interview with The N, in a few hours because as far as they know, I have to be at that studio at nine...I wish." She mumbled the last part under her breath. At least when she'd had her record contract, she'd had a place to escape to when she wasn't filming something, and now she was stuck without a record contract and wallowing with her album. She'd been fully prepared to release it this summer, now she was screwed. What else was new.
Tim saw her deep in thought and shook his head, smirking as he stood with her in his arms. She looked at him like he was crazy. "Where do you think you're taking me?"
He shrugged. "Timbucktoo?" He laughed as they entered her bedroom and he set her down on the bed. "You were in my lap. The sun is up. So either I'm going back to sleep or I'm getting dressed. I can do whatever you'd like."
She shook her head at him, ruffling his bed head. "Don't stay awake because I am. You need your sleep. I see those dark circles and bags under your eyes. Sleep."
Alexz stood from the bed once again, trying to find something warmer in her closet she was freezing. She pulled a bunnyhug from the hanger and pulled it over her top half, and moved from the room to make another pot of coffee, before sitting down with her laptop, she knew he needed sleep and she did not want to get in the way of that because she had issues.
She settled comfortably on the chesterfield after plugging in her laptop. She rubbed her hands together to warm them while she waited for everything. The coffee and her computer simultaneously. She settled on the chesterfield as the main screen of her computer loaded up. She typed her password into the box and stood to go to the kitchen while her account loaded up. She got herself a cup of coffee and then walked back to the sitting room, covering up with a blanket on the chesterfield. She grabbed her laptop off the coffee table and loaded up the Internet and her Instant Messenger. Maybe if she was lucky, someone would be up to talk to.
She'd found comfort in just being able to be goofy sometimes or writing until she felt like her fingers would just break. Sometimes it would just feel endless. She had her music, her passion endless but lately it just wasn't enough. She wasn't sure if anything would ever be enough anymore.
She pulled up a blank notepad document, after leaving a status message on her messenger.
She wrote the date onto the document before beginning to write
February 6, 2007
Feeling Invisible
you slung your bag across your shoulder
and began to saunter away
She felt so awfully alone
She wished that She could talk to you
instead of freezing up inside
if only you could try.
why is she invisible to you?
She just wanted you to smile for her.
To show you how much she cared.
Blind in your mind
She tried to let go.
Feeling invisible.
Is she invisible to you?
everyone looks to the sky
but when she looks she can only see the ground.
She tried to love you,
She wanted to embrace you,
hold you over all else.
She can't forget.
She tried to remain.
You couldn't see the tears,
when she cried out to you.
you looked right through her.
as if she meant nothing.
she's invisible to you.
when you said you loved her.
was it true?
If so now.
Why is she such a burden to you.
You never tried,
not even once,
to see the scars deep inside.
Never cared to know how much he hurt her.
She thought you'd be the one to help her heal.
Now she just wants to run away from it all.
But it will just be the same.
Chorus:
She's feeling invisible.
The world can't see.
The feelings deep inside.
She hides.
Thinking maybe you'd be the one.
To help her heal.
Feeling invisible,
like an empty soul,
in an empty room.
She wanted you to know.
But you didn't care to see.
She wanted to love you.
But you pushed her out so many times.
She hurts.
She can't do this alone.
But she is made to.
Because to you.
She feels invisible.
she tried to help you through.
But now she's
Invisible to you.
Hook:
Couldn't you see, maybe just once.
She tried to love you.
She's made mistakes
that will haunt her to the grave.
She's not perfect.
But she tried to be for you.
She's been through so much.
Not many can understand.
So she hid it from the world.
The best that she could.
Trying to hold herself.
Like she thought you would.
2nd hook:
They hold onto illusions
That they believe are true
They look at her and see their own
Illusions, nothing new
when they look right at her
They see with sheltered eyes
They cannot know the things she's felt
So they believe their lies.
She knows you don't really see.
Whatever your eyes find.
Although, she's invisible.
atleast she's not blind.
Chorus:
She's feeling invisible.
The world can't see.
The feelings deep inside.
She hides.
Thinking maybe you'd be the one.
To help her heal.
Feeling invisible,
like an empty soul,
in an empty room.
She wanted you to know.
But you didn't care to see.
She wanted to love you.
But you pushed her out so many times.
She hurts.
She can't do this alone.
But she is made to.
Because to you.
She feels invisible.
she tried to help you through.
But now she's
Invisible to you.
Her music inspires her.
Drawing her feelings from deep inside.
Finding a hint of happiness.
From the melody.
A world where she can stand.
But just because she smiles,
It doesn't mean she's happy.
Her heart is sore.
beating in a different rhythm.
She's feeling invisible.
Hook 1:
Couldn't you see, maybe just once.
She tried to love you.
She's made mistakes
that will haunt her to the grave.
She's not perfect.
But she tried to be for you.
2nd hook:
They hold onto illusions
That they believe are true
They look at her and see their own
Illusions, nothing new
when they look right at her
They see with sheltered eyes
They cannot know the things she's felt
So they believe their lies.
She knows you don't really see.
Whatever your eyes find.
Although, she's invisible.
atleast she's not blind.
Chorus:
She's feeling invisible.
The world can't see.
The feelings deep inside.
She hides.
Thinking maybe you'd be the one.
To help her heal.
Feeling invisible,
like an empty soul,
in an empty room.
She wanted you to know.
But you didn't care to see.
She wanted to love you.
But you pushed her out so many times.
She hurts.
She can't do this alone.
But she is made to.
Because to you.
She feels invisible.
she tried to help you through.
But now she's
Invisible to you.
Chorus: X2
Alexz took a deep breath and saved what she'd written before moving to copyright it, Sometimes she did feel completely invisible to everyone around here, maybe more so her family, and friends, she was so scared to tell them, when all she wanted to do was just that...She wished they could just see...
Lyrics in this chapter belong to me and are copyrighted and protected so they cannot be stolen without penalty. Hope you enjoy.