Chapter 3: The Truth is now
Alexz hung up the phone finally, her chest hurt from trying to hold in a cough, She wondered how she could hide so many things, not say them and act like everything was so perfect. Well she kind of had to. Not like she'd just go and tell The Seth and The Mary from The N anything like that. A debilitating illness? She laughed. She must have sounded like shit, between a sore throat and crying basically all night last night.
She let out a yawn, stretching even though her body ached. Her sleeves slipped down on her sweater, but she didn't think anything of it until she felt the familiarity of a warm, calloused hand wrapping gently around around one one of her wrists. She winced, yanking her wrist back, probably faster than she should have. "Ow- FUCK!"
Tim came around the side of the chesterfield with a frown on his face, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I just..." He shook his head, completely at an utter loss for words. "Spence, we have to talk about it..."
She nodded, pulling her sleeves down as far as they would go. She didn't want to, but that didn't matter. For once it felt even the tiniest bit, that someone cared to help her and keep her safe. "I know...Its just hard..."
"Tim?" She looked up at him, watching his expression. "Even if I say something, there's nothing that can be done, it doesn't matter anymore..." She hung her head, feeling hopeless once again. She didn't have the courage or the strength to get away from him. She wanted to fix things, he'd said over and over he'd go get help, maybe she would talk to him about it again. She felt her heart break every single time he looked at her with sad eyes, when she'd told him she'd had enough and she wanted to leave. He'd told her she would be nothing without him, then tell her how much he loved her and that he'd die without her. What if that were true? Would he kill himself if she left. Each and every day, when she felt like she was dying inside staying with him. She wasn't like other women, she was too scared, to weak for this, her heart was too sore. It went out to him for all the wrong reasons. She couldn't handle the thought of him killing himself because of her, but in the same breath she feared what he would do to her if she tried to leave, he'd always told her that he would bury her six feet under in his mothers backyard and no one would ever know about it. That panicked her to the core, she'd seen first hand what he was capable of, and she was scared to die, more than anything in the world she feared death.
She let a few tears escape wondering how the hell her tear ducts just didn't dry up by now, her tears seemed endless.
"You keep wandering off in your head, girl. Tell me whats going on in there..." His voice was always so soft, never pressing or angry. He always waited patiently for her to answer him. She wished that she wasn't in this place, this situation. She wanted to be with someone like Tim. Someone who would hold her when she cried, not tell her that she was worthless, nothing. Always telling her she'd never amount to the musical career she dreamed off. She didn't feel like she was loved on the few occasions she would sleep in his arms; rather she felt as if she were under a burning hand, just waiting to make the wrong movement so that he would go off on her. She constantly waited for him to snap and come after her, yelling, smacking, pushing, hitting; Or even worse, when he would go after one of the kids. She hated him clear down to the burn for every time he hurt one of those two kids. She loved them as if they were her own kids, and he seemed dead set on ruining all three of them. Yes, she knew he was wrong for all the things he did to the three of them, but she was far too frightened to run away. He could hurt her bad enough if he wanted to, and as much as he could do that, if he wanted to he could hurt everyone she loved, up to and including Tim and those two kids. No, she couldn't risk it.
More than anything he'd convinced her it was her fault, She'd always made him angry, she'd always stressed him out, or wasn't enough for him. She never could do enough for him, if she was in pain he'd take it anyways, he'd do to her what he wanted, and afterwards it would always be, "Well Al if you'd give it to me more, I wouldn't have to just do that to you, now would I?" Even just eating, if she ate something she was fat to him, and well she had to be perfect right? She couldn't cook good enough, her sleeping was all wrong, she was always wrong about everything. His mom had told her how she needed to learn to do things her sons way, and she felt worthless when she couldn't accomplish these things, that were just unobtainable to anyone. She was always walking on egg shells with David, with his family would she ever, no matter how hard she tried be enough. She never would be would she? So she just had to deal with the fact that everything she did, or said was always wrong.
If she cried she was a baby, she was weak, so she tried her hardest not to cry in front of anyone, and when it happened out of her control she felt weak, worthless, and like a huge baby. They couldn't just accept her for who she was, and they'd convinced her that she was doomed to perish in hell as a sinner, if she didn't do things their way.
"Alexzandra? Ally? Spence!?" Tim shook her, with a light force, not to scare her, but to get her attention. She looked up at him seemingly confused.
"I'm sorry. I guess I wandered off again," she explained. She seemed to be so good at disappearing into her own head, especially when someone asked her questions she really didn't want to answer. It was easier than just staring into space and flat out refusing to talk. She looked up at him, taking in a deep breath. How the hell she was going to get through this was completely unknown to her. "Lets talk, I guess."
Tim nodded, lifting her chin to look at him. He knew this was the last thing she wanted to do, but he feared more than anything that if it went on much longer, she'd end with permanent physical damage or worse. "I know you're scared...but I can't help you if you don't talk to me, and I don't want to lose you. I love you far too much to have that happen."
Alexz's jaw dropped when she heard him say I Love You to her. She knew he cared for her, but she'd never had him say that to her. Not in the sense of being in love like a relationship. She'd been with David for as long as she'd known Tim, and she'd never thought of them in that type of relationship; or at least not that she would admit. "I...wow..."
Alexz was shocked, completely speechless, why would someone love her when all she did was do everything wrong all the time, including her own career, she got dropped from Capitol, she lost her contract, maybe to them she just wasn't good enough either. There was always something. She tried to process how anyone could love her like that, was there something someone wasn't telling her. She used to believe she was strong, but that left when David made sure she knew she wasn't. Or atleast made her believe it.
"I umm, I'm speechless, I mean I'm sorry, I just don't...I" Alexz stammered feeling like a complete idiot, she half expected him to walk out the door at this point.
Tim shook his head at her, reminding himself that she was in a very tough position at the moment and that believing she was good enough for anyone was probably very hard. Being in the position she was in for so long eventually would phase a person to believe that what they were being told was true, no matter how much it wasn't. "Ally, its fine. Don't torture yourself."
She nodded, staring down at her hands. "I'm so so sorry, Tim. You just, you caught me off guard, I cou-..I don't know. I'm sorry."
He shook his head, placing his hand lightly over her mouth. "Girl, its okay. Calm down. You haven't done anything wrong. I just need to watch my words more carefully, I guess."
She shook her head, moving his hand away from her mouth. "I'm still sorry."
He let out a huff, taking her hands into his. He gave her a small smile, moving a bit closer to her. "You, Alexzandra, have no reason to ever be sorry. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Now can we talk?"
She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "Yeah...What'd you want to know?"
He lifted her chin to look at him, though she turned her face away from him when she heard his first question. "I need to know how long this has been going on. How long have you been keeping this inside you?"
Alexz looked down at the floor trying to find her words. "About three years now, I was sixteen when we started dating, after the first year it started getting pretty bad. He was kinda more on the emotional, controlling side before then, really jealous of people, like my friends. He doesn't mind that I work though, I think it's the money." Alexz was shocked that she just blurted this out to him, then she was suddenly scared. She felt sick, and ashamed.
"Oh my lord, girl." Alexz looked up at Tim, hearing his words. She could hear the guilt in his voice, and it made her heart ache. She didn't want him blaming himself, yet no matter what, she knew he would. He cared too much to not feel guilt.
"You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know about, Tim." She tried to take his hand in her own, but he shoo his head, lifting his hand to her cheek and caressing it. She could see tears in his eyes, which only succeeded in bringing tears to her own. "This is why I didn't say anything, don't you see!? I didn't want someone else to think it was their fault, Tim! I didn't want anyone to think that because they didn't know what had happened, they shouldn't have known and they didn't so it was their fault!"
She stood up and began to pace in front of the chesterfield, hating herself. Why did she always have to hate herself? What was the point of being happy or alive if all you did was hate yourself?
Tim stood as well, grabbing her and pulling her into his arms, holding her head to his chest as she cried. "You can't stop what anyone else feels Spence. And yes, I do blame myself. Because I've known you for 3 years. I-" He stopped, backing a few steps away from her. "Wait a minute..."
Alexz stopped looking scared. "What Tim? Tim what did I do?" She felt like she couldn't breathe, she couldn't have messed up already could she? She watched his expression his movements for a sign. Anything that would tell her she hadn't messed up yet again. She wanted to find a hole and crawl in it.
Tim shook his head, holding his hand to his forehead as he paced in front of the window. "Tim please talk to me?! What is it? What'd I do?" Tears ran down her cheeks begging him to tell her what was so wrong.
He shook his head, looking at her. "You lied, but...The bruises. I should have pressed more. I should have known. I should have known something happened. I should have tried to ask you. God, girl I'm so sorry. I should have known." He shook his head as his gaze shot to the floor in guilt. "I should have known..."
Alexz closed the distance between them, making him look at her. "You couldn't have known. I wouldn't tell anyone. No one knew. No one knew, Tim. I couldn't bring myself to tell. I was too scared." Tears began to run down her cheek again, seeing him rip himself apart over this. It killed her to know that she was hurting him this way. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I don't know...I shouldn't have..."
"It's not your fault..." Alexz let herself sit back onto the chesterfield, feeling like her legs suddenly wouldn't hold her anymore. "I didn't want to hurt anyone, or lose someone else, I couldn't bare the thought of losing someone else. So I keep it to myself, I'm sorry. I'm stupid, I'm so stupid, I ruin everyone and everything." Now where was that hole when she needed it. "My family kind of walked away...I couldn't tell them, they think I'm selfish and that I think I'm too good for them, Thats not truth, it's not, I need them, and I'm just to afraid to say anything. My mom...I mean they are still there, but rightfully not really, kinda like pushing me away, and every time I get close they push me away again, saying how David and his family are just more important to me, and I could have them instead, I needed them, and I needed to know I wasn't going to lose you Tim, I can't..." Her shoulders shook with sobs threatening.
She put her head into her hands, not sure what to do anymore.
He walked back over to her, pulling her into his arms and rocking her slowly and gently. He whispered soothing nothings to her, doing anything and everything he could to calm her down. He hated seeing her upset like this. It absolutely killed him to know she was hurting and all he wanted to do was make it better. "I'm so sorry, girl. I'm so so sorry."
She shook her head, making herself stop crying. She had to keep it together. "No. No. This isn't anybody's fault but my own. I got myself into this position and its up to me to get out of it. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does. I have to do it myself."
Tim shook his head, looking her in the eyes. "No, girl. Thats not true. You don't have to do this alone, and you shouldn't believe that you have to. You don't have to at all, Spence. Not at all."
"It's hard not to believe that. I've been doing it alone for a long time, sometimes I'd just pray and cry, and pray that someone would just see it without me telling them, but thats my fault not anyone else's," Alexz didn't want to make him feel any worse, she felt like she should just shut her mouth. She;d probably just made everything worse by admitting this. Maybe she did deserve to be slapped around a bit.
She jumped hearing the phone ring, it would be fate that it was someone other than David or his mother. Tim moved to pick of the phone and before he could say a word she grabbed it from his hands. "Hello?" She said trying to steady her voice.
She put her finger to her lips telling Tim not to say anything and walked into the kitchen with her phone. "Hey Al, whats going on? I'm surprised your home, I mean with David being gone and all," She heard his mothers voice through the phone, she suddenly felt like her skin was too close. "I umm, nothing...I'm sick, I have the flu," Alexz stammered. "Oh well have you tried eating anything?" His mother asked. She couldn't have been concerned, more like telling her what she had to do. "I...Not yet no, I had a phone interview this morning, and I haven't gotten the chance..."
"Alexz how do you expect to get better if you don't take care of yourself, make some garlic soup, you'll feel better, and what are you doing with phone interviews if your sick, you need to get your priorities in order sometime." Alexz remained silent for a moment, glancing over at Tim. She'd always let this woman get under her skin somehow.
"I know, I'm sorry. It was something I had to do for Instant Star, planned like 2 months ago when they made the premei-" She was cut off by his mother.
"Don't apologize. Get a move on and make yourself some breakfast and rest. Have you been resting? The only thing thats going to help you feel better is rest and fluids." Alexz struggled to hold in a groan, listening to her critique her. "Infact, maybe I should come over to keep an eye on you. You shouldn't be home alone."
Alexz's eyes widened and she shook her head, biting her bottom lip. "No, no that won't be necessary, really. I, I have my, my, my sister here. She's staying a few days. It'll be just fine."
"Are you sure? Your sister should be focused on her studies, not you. Why don't you send her home, and I'll bring some soup over. Lie down, Alexz, really." She kept going on and on and it took everything for her to not roll her eyes, and once again keep herself from groaning. She moved the phone away from her ear as his mother went on and on. After a moment, she brought the phone back to her ear. "Alexz, are you listening to a word I'm saying?"
"Yes, I am. I'll get into bed, but you really don't need to come. I haven't seen my sister in so long. Please we'll be fine. If I need someone, I'll call you back." She held her breath as she awaited the answer, praying that his mother would say yes. She'd die if his mother caught her having Tim there.
She heard Patricia sigh, as she bit her lip. "Okay, but do what your supposed to. Did David call you at all this morning?" Alexz was happy that she'd changed the subject. "Umm No not yet anyways, he's probably pretty busy."
"Alexz is there something you need to tell me? Anything I need to know, You sound like your holding back on something..." Patricia asked. "I...No, It's just well before David left yesterday he did some things, the same thing as last time and it scared me is all, I had a hard time sleeping. I know you said something to him but it only made it worse, he was more angry, He's scaring me..." Alexz admitted, feeling defeated.
"You didn't tell anyone did you Alexz? Because if you did..." "No! Of course not! I'm just shaken up is all..." Alexz interrupted her. "Good, you two need to be at church this weekend. Maybe you should be a little more giving and he wouldn't have to be so pushy Alexz." Alexz began to cry now. "I'm trying but he's not making it easy! Even if I do give, it doesn't matter he just keeps hurting me."
"Oh, now Alexz I doubt that. I know my son. If he's doing something, I'm sure there's a reason." Alexz felt hot tears running down her cheeks. Tim walked into the room, mouthing over and over again for her to just hang up.
"Ally, just give me the phone. Stop torturing yourself." He whispered into her ear soft enough so that it wouldn't be heard, but she insisted not.
"Just a sec," she spoke softly into the phone, only to be yelled at that she had no reason to be crying and that she needed to suck it up because she was the one trying to sell lies. She looked at Tim, choosing her words carefully. "You need to give me a minute and then I'll talk to you when I'm done on the phone."
He shook his head, watching her as she continued to let this woman torture her on the phone. He wanted to grab the phone from her, hang it up and throw it across the room but this wasn't his home and he couldn't make her hang up.
A coughing fit couldn't have hit at a worse time as Patricia started lecturing Alexz that she needed to be nicer. "Stop it. Stop coughing and listen to me. Its you saying crap like that that sets people off. As far as I'm concerned, you're asking for whatever you get for speaking to people like that, especially your elders. You need to learn how to speak to people, Alexzandra." She spoke so cold, Alexz felt tears pouring down her face faster than she could manage them, both from the stinging ache in her throat and from what this woman was saying to her.
She suddenly felt like throwing up, she wasn't sure if it was nerves or the flu either way she didn't want it to happen, she tried to calm herself down and gain control over her tears. Her voice betrayed her. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to... I just...I'm sorry." She tried, she couldn't even form words right. "Thats not how I meant it..." She told her. "Well thats how it came out, your make David look like such a horrible person, why don't you take a look at yourself sometime, your not innocent, what did you do to provoke him Alexz?"
"I n-nothing, I didn't do anything."
"Did you make him something to eat?"
"Yes he was fine with it..."
Alexz swallowed hard trying to keep control. "I Umm, I need to, can you hold on a second?" Alexz moved the phone away for a second so she could cough, crying only making it worse for her now. She felt like such a baby, maybe if she would just shut her mouth about it things wouldn't be so bad.
Tim shook his head, feeling like he was watching someone beat a kitten. He took the phone from her hand, rubbing her back. She reached for it, shaking her head in fear of him hanging it up. He shook his head with the promise that he wouldn't, and instead set it on the counter before helping her to stand up straight. He handed the phone back to her reluctantly and made his way to the sink, getting her a glass of water before handing it to her.
"Thankyou. Oh no- My sister got me a drink of water." Alexz explained as to not confuse Patricia. "I'm sorry, please repeat that?"
"Alexz, really, pay attention! We all have things to do and I don't have the time to be repeating myself over and over again. Really what is wrong with you? when will you learn?!"
She felt like her chest might cave from crying, coughing, and feeling as sick as she did. She hated being treated like this, but according to everyone around her, she deserved it because she didn't give him enough. What was she supposed to do? Maybe if she LIVING and just served to his every want, need and whim, he'd be happy. Of course, she knew even that wouldn't be good enough because when she tried to do that, he told her she was too needy, and around too much. Especially when he wanted to watch TV, or play his play station. She needed to have more of a life, and spend less time away from the house, on her own, But not around other men. He complained she spent too much time on the computer or the phone talking to friends, but when she was around him, he only wanted one thing... It was like she couldn't seem to find the fine line. It was that or he wanted her too much, way to much, it seemed lately thats what it was.
Some days Patricia had given her some hope, she'd said she'd help her sometimes but she never did when it came down to it, she'd sit and cry and feel like her heart was being stomped on and torn to shreds. All she needed sometimes was for someone to care, for someone to hug her, for someone to hold onto her when she cried, and show her she wasn't so alone. She'd thought of Patricia as a mother figure, since her own seemingly was either too drugged up on narcotics to care, or too selfish. All she wanted to do was make her proud of her, make her happy with her. She thought that if she just did everything they wanted, the way they wanted it, they would be happy, she was wrong, they never were she always messed up between the lines somehow someway.
She hadn't realized that she'd let her mind take her away again, until she heard her voice being called through the phone. "I'm sorry I need..." She tried to think of an excuse, her stomach rolled with nausea, at every thought that ran through her head, she needed an excuse to get off the phone, without making her suspect something.
Tim saw the look on her face and moved quickly, walking out of the room. Alexz glared at his retreating figure. Here she was about to be sick and he'd left her there. She rolled her eyes when she heard a beep on the other line, but upon seeing Tim come into the room shaking his phone and mouthing for her to hang up, she gave a soft sigh of relief. "I have to go. I have a beep."
She didn't await an answer, and instead hung up, throwing the phone at him before running for the washroom. Fortunately, he caught it and set it on the hook before taking off after her. He entered the room only to see she'd gotten sick on the front of herself and the floor, with tears running down her face. "I'm sorry, I tried to make it, I try-"
Tim shook his head, walking over to her and kissing her forehead, rather than kissing her. "Go get some clothes to get changed into and I'll get this cleaned up so you can shower."
She nodded and walked out of the room, down the hall to bedroom. She did her best to not get any of it on the floor or on the dresser, making it a bit harder to move around. After she had what she needed, she returned to the washroom. Thankfully, as he had promised, Tim had the floor already cleaned up. "I'm sorry. Thank you so much..."
He nodded, waving his hand to her that it wasn't a big deal. "I'll mop it up after you're done."
She shook he head, not wanting him to feel burdened. "Tim, really you don't have to do it. I'll do it-"
He shook his head at her. "Spence, you need to shower and rest. I'll get you some soup and then mop up the floor and get a shower."
Alexz looked at him and nodded, knowing he didn't mean anything by it, he just cared and wanted her to feel better. She moved to carefully remove her clothes once he left the room as well as the bandage on her leg, and turned the shower on trying not to looking at herself in the mirror before she got inside. She saw there was a bruise formed on her side, and bruises on her hips, her arms and wrists, no wonder she was so sore.
She forced herself to look away and moved to get into the shower feeling mortified why did everything always happen that way. No matter what she did, he was always hurting her more. She could never do anything right.
She made quick work of washing herself, being gentle on the places where she was bruised, and especially on the tender cut on the side of her leg. After she was finished, she stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel off the drying rack. She wrapped it around herself, still avoiding sight with the mirror. She dried herself and then dressed before re-bandaging her leg. She walked out of the washroom, yawing sheepishly as she entered the hallway. As she headed towards her bedroom, she passed Tim wordlessly. She dried her hair with a towel more before pulling a clean bunny hug back on, before climbing back into bed, she pulled the blanket up over her shoulders, and closed her eyes.
She hoped that she would fall asleep and not dream or at least not remember them for now. She needed some peace of mind.
Tim reentered the room, grabbing his bag and setting it on a chair so that he could get something to change into. Her eyes re-openned, watching him. She smiled at him when he looked up at her. He walked towards the door, but stopped when she called his name.
"Is there something I can get you?" His words came softly, but loud enough that she could hear him.
She shook her head, looking down at her hands. "I ah...Just so you know. Its not that I don't care. I do love you...I just don't feel worthy of it."