I really thought that we would make it through
Because I'm taking all of the time I need
Making the best of what it can be
I'm finally learning what you need now
Shoot it up and then stop until it fades
Welcome to my world of endless passions
Making out the lines until it happens
I'm tossing out the sixth day mark
Because you know that you're wrong
Tristan sighed, running his hands through his hair, watching the phone as if it would suddenly catch fire. His knee was jumping nervously and his breathing was forced into a normal rhythm. He closed his eyes, lowering his head. Why was this so hard? She was just a girl. He was only sixteen. It shouldn't have been that big of a deal. But it was...why was that? He loved her, yeah,but it was just teenage love, wasn't it? No, he could answer that easily. Well, it could have been. Maybe. He sighed, standing up and walking around the room. This wasn't going to be easy.
A few nights ago they'd all gone to Baker's for his New Year's Eve party. It was crowded, wild, just like the rest of them. Rory had wanted to know what was wrong with him. She thought she'd done something, or maybe that he was just getting tired of her. And if he'd had any spine when it came to Lorelai Leigh Hayden, then he would have told her right then what was going on, or he would have broken up with her. But he didn't, not when it came to her. He knew that he was going to hurt her eventually, and it would be a lot worse if he did it the way he was planning to. The way he had to, right now, before his plane left in five hours. He glanced over at his packed suitcases; the maids had done it when he refused to.
So, instead of telling her what was really happening, he did the only this that he could think of, and kissed her. Luckily, she'd been asking him about it during the countdown to midnight, so she didn't think he was just kissing her to make her shut up. He continued pacing, glancing at the phone every few seconds....he had to call her. He couldn't just leave. He ran a hand over his face. He'd tired to make it work, and a part of him had really believed that it would work out. Man had he been wrong about that one. He'd taken his time with it, he wanted to figure something out, but he didn't think that would happen. This was better for her. He was finally doing something right....or so he hoped. He'd just recently realized that he hadn't done that much for Rory in the past, and this really wasn't as much for her as it was for him. But god did he love that girl. She drove him crazy, but he was wild about her none the less.
He couldn't do a long distance thing though...it would never work; besides, that would be pointless because she was the whole reason he was being sent away, although to his surprise, he didn't blame her. His stomached clenched uncomfortably as he picked up the phone and dialed her cell phone number. One ring: he felt his body warm up and his palms started sweating. Ring two: his legs started shaking and he had to sit on the bed. Ring three: his hand twitched and he had an undeniable urge to hang up the phone, and he'd almost convinced himself to peel the phone away from his ear when she answered, and his stomach dropped.
He heard her say hello, but it didn't quite register until he heard her say his name several times to get his attention. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply and steadily. He got through the conversation, but didn't realize what was happening until the ring tone was droning through his ear. He closed his eyes slowly, hanging up the phone. One hour. He was supposed to meet Rory at Briscoe Park in one hour. He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. Shit.
ONE HOUR LATER
Tristan leaned against one of the ice covered trees, his left hand shoved into the pocket of his jacket while his right hand was holding a half smoked cigarette. His nerves were completely frazzled. He looked up, exhaling a long breath and jumped when he heard someone behind him. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on with the whole caveman thing lately?"
He turned to face her, "What?"
Rory tilted her head, putting her hand on her hip, "You know, every time I try to talk to you, you kiss me just to make me shut up."
"That's not true."
"No? Ever since Christmas that's all that's happened. Whenever you get weird, which, by the way, has been a lot lately, and I try to figure out what's wrong, you kiss me so I won't ask questions. Caveman." He smiled, a small laugh escaping. Her eyes narrowed, "What?"
He shook his head, "Nothing." her eyebrow arched, and he continued, "Well, it's just that, with knowing you like I do, and knowing your family, I think it's funny that 'Caveman' is all you could come up with."
Her jaw dropped in mock anger and she punched him in the arm lightly, "Shut up." he laughed, grabbing her hand from his arm. He smiled, pulling her closer. And he almost brought her close enough that their bodies were pressed together, but he caught himself, and loosened his grip, looking at her for a moment before pulling away. Rory opened her mouth, but didn't say anything, looking down. "So are you going to tell me now? Or are we still just wasting time?"
Tristan sniffed because of the cold air, "Um, yeah, I'm gonna tell you now." he said quietly, not looking at her.
Her head shot up, surprised, "You are?"
He nodded, "Yeah."
She leaned back on her heels, sticking her hands in her pockets, "Okay..." Tristan coughed before looking up at the grey sky, and she saw him take a long drag from a cigarette in his hand that she hadn't noticed before. And that was when she realized that this was worse than she'd previously thought. Tristan didn't smoke often, and when he did it was because there was something he wanted to forget about. She took it from him, dropping it into the snow, "You'll get cancer if you don't stop that."
He looked at her, blowing out a cloud of smoke before swallowing the lump in his throat, "Rory, we've had fun, right?"
She took a step back uncertainly, "Um, yeah, I guess."
He stepped closer, "I mean, we have had fun. You never doubted how I felt, did you?" he asked.
She opened her mouth uncertainly, but closed his without uttering a sound, and she shook her head, "No. I never wondered how you felt."
"Good." Tristan nodded, "That's good."
She cocked her jaw to the side, shaking her head, "Tristan, what the hell is this?"
He looked away from her stepping closer to the tree, "Because I mean, I wouldn't have wanted you to doubt that, ever-"
"Tristan." she cut him off, and he looked over at her, "You're being so sporadic and jumpy." she shook her head, looking at him sadly, "What's going on?" her arms fell to her sides, and he could see that she was tired. Her hair was flat and her skin was paler than normal.
He sighed, stepping closer as he rubbed his neck, sighing, he didn't want to do this. God, he really didn't think he could. Not now that he was looking at her, seeing her standing in the snow, freezing to death just because he said that he needed to talk to her. He closed his eyes, turning away from her. This was best. And she'd hate him for it, but if she really thought about it then she'd know that it was hard on him. She'd realize that what he was about to tell her was the hardest thing he'd ever had to say. Tristan took a deep breath before turning back around to face her, "I don't..." he looked away, running his hand through his hair nervously, "I don't need a girlfriend right now, Rory."
At first she showed no emotion, but simply stood still as the snow began to fall again, an expressionless mask on her face. She shook her head, "What?"maybe she wanted to believe she hadn't heard him right, or maybe she really hadn't.
Tristan turned towards her, "Rory, look..."he trailed off. He'd expected her to interrupt him. He sighed, running his hand through his hair, "...I just-" he shook his head, looking her in the eye, "-can't."
She shook her head lightly, stale amusement in her voice, "You're joking, right?"
"No..." he said slowly, unsure of what exactly was going on.
Rory nodded, biting her lip, now there really was humor in her voice, but it was dry. She shrugged, "Well I guess I should be impressed."
He shook his head, "What?"
She smiled, "I mean, you know, I should be impressed that you lasted this long."
"Rory, what-"
"Because everyone said that once you got what you wanted then you'd be gone." his jaw dropped and a look of horror overtook his face. That was why she though he was doing this? He opened his mouth to explain, but she cut him off. "I mean, what was it? Three weeks? I must say, Tristan, that's impressive. You lasted a lot longer after the fact than most people thought you would."
"Rory, no. That's not what this is about-"
Once again, she cut him off, "Isn't it?"
"No. You know that."
She laughed, tilting her head, "Oh, so now you're going to tell me what I think? I mean my god, even Blake knew that something bad would come out of this, and he never got involved in my love life before you-"
Tristan rolled his eyes, "That was because you were with Dean."
She stopped, snorting, "What the hell was that supposed to mean?"
"Dean couldn't have had you no matter how much he wanted it. You would've never given out."
Rory's jaw dropped and she stepped closer dangerously, "Oh, so you're saying that you're the only person I'd ever 'give out to'?"
He shook his head, realizing that he'd insulted her, "No, I didn't mean that."
"Then what exactly did you mean?"
"I mean that you deserve better than Dean, and you knew that in the back of your mind the entire time, so you wouldn't have made a mistake with him."
"So you're saying that you're better than Dean?" she asked hotly, tilting her head.
"Better for you than he is, yes."
"Well maybe if I'd fucked Dean he wouldn't have walked away. Maybe I should've just stayed with him; at least he wouldn't have used me and then left."
Tristan stepped back a pace, that last stab had hurt more than he'd like to admit, "Rory, I never used you." He said quietly. She just looked away, crossing her arms over her chest. And she knew it was true. She knew how he felt about her, even if she wouldn't admit it right then. He closed his eyes. Dean. It was always Dean. He looked back up at her, "I can't control anything that's going on with me right now. We can't be together anymore."
Her lips pursed and she tilted her head, resting her hand on her hip, she couldn't even feel the cold anymore, "Oh?"
He inhaled deeply, "Yes."
"And why is that?" sarcasm was thick in her voice.
"Because." he looked away, "I'm going to military school."
She was frozen for a moment, her mind racing faster than she could keep up with. Once she regained feeling in her body, she blinked rapidly, moving her head straight, and she swallowed the insult that had been resting on her tongue only moments before, "What?"
"Military school. In North Carolina; I'm leaving in like, three hours."
Rory exhaled slowly to stop herself from making a strange noise. "What did you do?" she asked, unable to think of anything he could have done that was that bad, but then again, he had been acting strange for the past few weeks.
He sniffed, the cold was making his nose run. It could have been the emotion, but he'd never admit that. "I didn't do anything."
"But you had to have done something, Tristan. You don't just get sent down the entire east coast for nothing!"
He turned on her, his anger building. He knew it wasn't her fault, and he really wasn't mad at her. But he was mad at everything else, "Look, Rory, shit happens, okay?" she leaned away from him, taken aback. He shook his head and turned away, walking anywhere that was away from her, but she wasn't ready to let him walk away without an explanation.
She went after him quickly, grabbing his arm, "Tristan, what the hell happened? You keep saying that it wasn't me, so now tell what it was!"
Tristan stopped walking, but didn't turn to look at her. His breathing was labored, and he shook his head, eyes watering from the cold. "It was nothing." he said quietly.
Rory bit her lip, sniffing lightly, and they both knew it wasn't from the cold. She released his arm, stepping away. He walked towards his car, not looking at her. But she wouldn't have noticed if he had. She was looking around as if she didn't know what was going on. And Tristan turned around after he'd gotten a few yards away, looking at her a last time. The sharp wind was blowing into her face, and her hair was blown away from her shoulders. She turned and saw him looking at her. They stood there for a few minutes, neither moving, until at last Rory turned, walking to the second parking lot, where her own car was.
And that was the last image he had of her, a perfect, snow angel, walking away from him. And he deserved it. Tristan closed his eyes, slamming the door to his car and starting it. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to tell his dad to go fuck off, and he had, but it didn't do any good. He'd still lost Rory, he was still on his way to North Carolina, and he hadn't gotten anywhere. He rolled his neck in a circle, closing his eyes and resting his head against the rest as hot air warmed his limbs.
THAT NIGHT
Tristan stood in the airport, his luggage already loaded, and he didn't have a carry on. Surprisingly, his parents had escorted him here. That was more than he'd expected. His mother kept fiddling with her hands, "And you have everything you need?" she asked, looking around anxiously.
He nodded, "Yeah, mom, I have everything."
"Are you sure?"
Tristan looked out of the large window, "Positive."
She smoothed his sleeve, "Well, even if you don't, we can always send it to you, can't we?"
"Yeah, you can." he didn't know why she was pretending to care so much, there was no one here they would ever see again.
There was a call for all first class passengers to board, and his mother smiled, although it didn't quite reach her eyes him. She hugged him stiffly, an unfamiliar position, and his father shook his hand. "How long will I be gone?" Tristan asked.
"We'll see."
Tristan nodded, pulling his hand from his father's grip, "I guess I'll see you later, then." his mother looked as if she wanted to say something, but she didn't, so he turned.
"Tristan." his mother called as he walked away from them. He turned around to look at her, but didn't say anything. "You're not still mad, are you? About that Hayden girl?" He didn't answer, but just turned, handing the woman at the booth his ticket before walking to the terminal, and when he turned back, his mother was still watching him. She waved, but instead of acknowledging her, he walked through the hall, wishing she hadn't come.
No I don't think that
No I won't step back
It's all on you
Just when the picture says in motion
I find myself the sky has fallen
I've always been the imperial one
I've always been the one with reason
And if you've ever thought it through
You know it is the hardest thing I've had to do