Chapter 5: All The Things

Alexz set her hand bag onto the kitchen table throwing her car keys down next to it. She bit her lip and turned towards the refrigerator looking for something to calm the hunger or nerves that assaulted her stomach, she was never sure anymore. She found herself instead starring blankly past the objects in front of her, she was a space cadet lately wasn't she?

Alexz groaned, throwing her shoes to the floor and practically sprinting across the floor to the cheseterfield, sitting down and rubbing the balls of her feet from how badly they ached. She'd just spent the last 10 hours in the studio recording over and over again. She looked around the room, rubbing her eyes as she looked out the window, seeing the sun falling over the horizon. Just seeing the soft colours glittering on the bay made her yawn, though involuntarily.

After a moment, she stood and walked into the kitchen, opening a cupboard and pulling out a box of snack crackers, feeling too lazy to actually cook. She hopped up onto the counter, swinging her legs in thankfulness that David would probably work too late to be back tonight, so she'd get a night to herself. She looked over at the calender as if something was supposed to bounce back at her. The day had flown so fast, and now that she had time to relax, it felt like she'd missed something, like there was someone or something she forgot about in the shuffle of it all. She hadn't forgotten to make any calls. She'd taken the kids back to her mothers house. She'd made sure to get in touch with her brother and made sure he'd shown up at the studio, but still something was wrong….or at least missing.

She moved off the counter setting the crackers down and moved into the washroom feeling as if she should take a shower when suddenly it hit her. Had she been paying attention at all to anything lately it wouldn't have been hard to figure out.

"Okay breathe," She told herself, forcing air into her lungs. She slowly moved back toward the calender to make sure, even though she knew, how many days had passed since she was supposed to have it, and just as her mind calculated, she was two weeks late for her period. Dropping the free page down that she'd counted from the last month, she let a hand cover her lips, her mind screaming no, all at once, as she backed away from the calender like it had suddenly burst into flames.

"Breathe!," She told herself once again, finding a chair blindly with her hands. "It could be stress, yes it has to be stress," she told herself. But in the back of her mind she'd remembered what David had done, not that he cared if he used protection or not, he never cared about anything other than himself, and this wouldn't be any different.

Realization suddenly hit her causing her to shake involuntarily. She couldn't let him find out that she even had a suspicion, things would go from bad to hell in a matter of 0.4 seconds. She forced herself to go over different things in her mind, like how her body had been feeling physically like a checklist inside her brain.

Sure, she'd been sick a lot lately, but it had been from the flu, or at least that's what she thought it had been from. She groaned inwardly, internally beating herself up because she couldn't think back enough to remember if she'd been sick in the morning. She'd been fine that day, she knew that much.

She stormed into the washroom, throwing the cup board door below the vanity, open and searching through it. She remembered always being the responsible one. Keeping pregnancy tests and condoms below the sink, just so she was sure there was always some source of protection in the house. She threw the door shut and couldn't help but scream as she leaned back against the vanity, covering her face with her hands. Why was it that when she needed something most, it wasn't there. She couldn't go out now and buy that stuff. Not now, especially not when he would be home soon, and certainly not while he was in town. No way in hell.

How the hell would she manage this one, and why the hell was she always such a wreck, now she was mad, she wanted nothing more than to smash everything to itty bitty tiny little pieces, but that wouldn't be the answer now would it. She clenched her fists and expelling a breath, then moved from the smaller room into the kitchen.

She scanned the room with her eyes biting her lip. She picked up her cell phone and car keys debating on what she should do and what she could get away with, somehow his mom always found out the minute she left her house, sometime it made her feel as if she was being spied on. No that couldn't be it, someone would know about Tim being there wouldn't they? Or did they? Now she was scared all over again, what the hell would she do now?

She stared at the door, standing where she was, debating what to do. She looked down at her watch and saw that she had a few hours before he would be home, but she still had to make dinner. Still, she found herself standing there, not knowing what she should do. Sure, she needed to know, but what if it was positive. Then everything would just be that much worse. She shook with anticipation, feeling tears in her eyes because she didn't know what was the right thing to do, dialing him.

Holding her scream in, she looked down at her phone and flipped it open, going into her speed-dials and clicking on his name. She lifted the phone to her ear, beginning to pace again. The phone rang three times before she considered closing her phone, but she knew if she did, he'd call back twice as worried as he would be if he answered now.

She pulled the phone away from her ear, looking at it and trying to figure out whether to close the phone or not. Her decision was made for her when the phone stopped ringing and she heard his voice on the other end.

"Hey Spence, whats up?"

She swallowed hard, looking at her phone and struggling to figure out if she should answer him. Tears filled her eyes, feeling like she couldn't do this. It was already a burden to her, she couldn't even begin to imagine how it would weigh on him after everything else she'd told him and put him through.

"Al? Alexz are you there?"

She lifted the phone to her ear, shaking with fear as tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried to hide the fear and sadness in her voice as she spoke, praying he wouldn't notice, but as her voice broke on the first syllable, she was sure he'd figured her out. "H-hi."

"Alexz whats wrong?" he was instantly worried, having heard the tears in her voice.

"Tim I'm-I'm sorry, I just umm, needed someone to talk to I-"

He cut her off next. "Al you know you can call me no matter what, whats going on?" he asked, moving from the room so he could have some privacy. His brother looking at him In curiosity, 'someday that curiosity would kill the cat'...he thought.

"I have a small, well maybe not small, I don't know, a problem, I..." She stammered trying to gain her composure. "I think I might be pregnant," She broke now, sitting herself down right in the middle of the kitchen floor. "David he, he forced me, and...I don't know what to do," She sobbed. She didn't want to chase him away now, he was all she had.

She pulled her knees to her chest, holding them with one arm, while her other hand held her phone up. She couldn't help but feel like the only she could do was cry. Everything felt wrong and she didn't know which way to turn. She wanted Tim there more than anything, but she knew he couldn't be, not when things were a mess like this, and not while David was there.

"I'm leaving. I'll book a flight whe-"

Alexz cut him off, shaking her head even though he couldn't see her. "No. You can't. He's here in town."

He shook his head, looking behind him and seeing his brother still eyeing him from the living room. He walked to the door and give a his brother a five minute sign with his hand, pulling the door shut behind him. "I don't care! This isn't right." He wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt this guy. He wasn't one to use his fists to get a point across, but apparently this asshole just wasn't getting it into his brain that he was destroying this amazing girl's life.

Alexz rested her chin on her knees, trying to compose herself. "I'm sorry. I sh-"

"No. Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong."

Alexz shook her head once again, even though he couldn't see her. It was as if her senses were mixed up. "I must've-"

Tim sighed heavily, knowing he wouldn't get through to her. "Al, Please. Just let me come help you. Let…" He paused as a thought crossed his mind, and he couldn't help but feel like it was the best idea. "Tell him its mine."

Alexz shook her head vigorously as if convincing herself. "No way! Tim are you nuts?! You've completely lost your damn mind haven't you? Do you understand even what that would do? What that would mean, I can't, I can't do that to you." She found herself rocking back and fourth, something that had become an unconscious habit when she was distraught.

"Tim all I ever do is complicate things..." she paused for a moment, searching for words. "I umm, don't know how to make things better, or even how to stop these things for that matter. Why would you want me to tell him it's yours?"

He shook his head, holding it in his one hand, rubbing his temples. "What would it do? Well, maybe in the back of my mind I'm praying it would mean that he would leave! Clearly he wouldn't be stupid enough to stick around when you don't want to be with him. And why stick around if its not his kid!? Or at least that's what he'd believe-"

Alexz shook her head furiously, pushing herself up from the floor. She couldn't believe what this man would do for her, but even so, he was crazy for thinking it. "No! No, Tim, he wouldn't be that rational. He'd kill me! And then he'd probably kill you too, all over something that would have been his fault. I can't let you do that! I can't even have you in the middle of this. Its only going to complicate things more than they already are. I never should have said anything…"

Things fell silent as, on the other end of the phone, he couldn't help but feel like she didn't want him there. He hated knowing she was hurting, he wanted to save her, and take her away from all of this, but the more he tried, the more she seemed to push away. " Please, Spence. Let me do something…"

She stopped pacing, actually feeling his words. The sadness, the slight sense of regret, and the pain he felt for wanting to help her. "You are. More than you know, by just being here," she promised.

Sometimes he couldn't understand why she wouldn't just put him out of her life, David that is, but he knew that it had to be even more complicated then he could ever dream of, he wished he could be her knight in shining armour and rescue her, and take her away from all this madness she lived day to day. He wished he could hold her and kiss away all her pain, so she could feel just for a moment that she was wanted, loved, needed, safe.

"Alexz?" he sensed her spacing off again

"Spence I love you..." he swallowed past the lump in his throat.

Alexz shook her head a few times, realizing that their conversation was still going on without her. "S-sorry…" She paused for a moment, almost positive that she'd heard him say he loved her. Her throat suddenly felt heavy, trying to figure out how to reply to that. She was so afraid of someone finding out about them, about him being around and helping her out. "Tim, I…"

He took a deep breath, knowing she probably still felt like it wasn't something she deserved. "I love you, Spence. I love, and I don't care what it takes, one day I'll make you believe that you're worthy of being loved, being happy…Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I've denied it too long and I'm sick of it. I love you more than I thought possible, and I'm not gonna stop now."

Alexz couldn't help herself as she blushed heavily, hearing the way he was talking to her. Only one word came to her mind, and she couldn't help but say it. "Wow…"

He laughed quietly, staring out at the street and the cars rushing by. "I just…I feel like you should know that. I think its only fair. We all need someone to love us, Al."

She exhaled a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in and smiled sadly. "You're too kind of a person, Tim. You should be with someone that can make you happy…"

Tim looked at her... "Al," he breathed trying to think of the words, making sure they'd come out right."Spence you make me happy, Ever since I laid eyes on you. You and only you. Just the thought of you, the sound of your voice, I know in my heart that no one else on this earth can make me happy as you do."

He walked out onto the lawn, away form the house as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. It felt like a moment of truth for him as he answered her. "I wish I could take this away from you, I know I've said it so many times but it's true Al. I don't want to lose you after all this time." His voice quivered threatening tears. "I wish love was enough to make you leave him.." He dug his foot into the ground, that last statement said more soft then the rest.

Alexz looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to find an answer there. She inhaled, her breathe shaky. Her whole being shaky. She wished the same, god did she wish the same, but how could she tell him that, how could she even begin to explain how complicated this was. How terrifying, and painful...

She looked around the room everything feeling kind of hazy. She knew she'd been thinking too much, and her body was on overload. She felt like her skin was on fire, from panicked flush. She tried to steady her breath before speaking again. "Tim I love you, but I don't know what to do, I j-just don't know what to do anymore, nothing is right, everything is fucked up! I'm such a fuck up, how could you love someone like me, I do nothing right. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm still around, why I remain like this, why theres this vendetta against me. I feel like I'm being punished and I don't even know what I did wrong!" She ended that with a gulp of air trying to squelch the sobs before they even started.

He shook his head hearing the words from her mouth on the other end of the phone. His strength broke, at sound of her tears and the words she was saying. One tear followed by another drifted down his cheeks and he know it would be obvious, to his brother, by the time he'd made it back into the house. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't, to shake her and get through to her. He'd give anything just to be able to jump inside of he brain and make the decisions for her.

When she stopped talking he found himself unable to speak, unable to find the right words to comfort her, to tell her it would be alright, when the one thing he wanted from her was the one thing she couldnt do.

"I can't give you the answer Al because I don't know what it is. But you most certainly are not a fuck-up. I wish I could make you believe that." He looked at the ground, feeling as if it was the only place he wanted to be knowing she was in this much pain.

He stood there a moment longer as the wheels in his head began to turn. "Al if you are pregnant, I would want more than anything in this world for me to father the baby, you cannot bring a child into this. If you are, then it turns into more than just your life at steak, more than just your life he is trying to ruin. Do you honestly think he can love a child? It would only make things more complicated, Al please let me help you. If you stay with him he could kill this baby, if there is one...And I love you, more than anything in this world, and If there is a baby, I would always treat as it were mine, Al because it's a part of you. Part of your beauty, and who you are. I would love the baby too Al, I would."

She breathed for a second on the other line then spoke softly... " We don't even know what is happening yet..."