A/N: I am not the world's fastest updater, and I apologize for that. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Hopefully I'll get the next chapter up a little faster. :)
Want.
His hand gets buried deep in her hair, right to the scalp, as her leg tightens around his waist; somehow half the buttons on her blouse are undone and she hears a muted moan, though she doesn't know if it's her own or not. The cushioned leather moulds perfectly under her back and she can barely breathe, but in a good way. She sees shapes and colours but nothing's defined in a blissful sort of blur.
Need.
Things come to a stop, the world below her halts its movements. She sighs as she relaxes her limbs, feeling lips presses firmly against her neck, then her collarbone, the last of the morning's stolen kisses.
For a couple minute she's got time to herself. Time to re-button her blouse, straighten her skirt, reapply her lip gloss, and gather her hair into a careless ponytail. She doesn't bother searching out a mirror to check her reflection. She simply turns to him and asks, "Good?"
His response is practically a growl. "Better than."
She glances her hand on the door handle, shyly shimmying away. "We can't do this."
"Now," he agrees readily. "But later…" He buries his head in the crook of her neck.
"Behave," she whispers as he lifts his head, lips grazing the corner of her mouth. She tugs on the handle and the driver takes his cue, swinging the door all the way open.
Blair walks over the moment she spots them, a big, buttery bag dangling from the crook of her elbow, her headband placed in her hair like a crown. She looks perfect, as per usual. "Ugh," she comments disdainfully, and they both stiffen.
"What?" he bites out.
Blair arches one eyebrow. "No need to be so hostile," she says dryly, rolling her eyes for added effect. "You two have clearly been fighting again."
Serena's nervous laughter sounds fake to her own ears. "Why would you say that?"
"Please. Look at you. The flushed cheeks, the hazy eyes…you're all flustered. And you," she adds pointedly to Chuck, "are clearly distracted." She glances around. "Where's your buffer?"
Serena grins, the change of subject putting her at ease. "Erik got a ride with a…friend." She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, making her best friend giggle. Serena knows that she's one of the few people who can expose Blair's childish side.
"What kind of ride?" Blair asks impishly. "Come on, I'll walk you to class. You can give me the dirt on the way."
"Okay," Serena agrees, a bit too eagerly.
Blair gives her a strange look. "Right. Later, Bass," she adds dismissively.
"Waldorf," he returns, attention half-absorbed by his cell phone.
Blair walks at an unhurried pace, and Serena follows her lead, chattering happily about the few details she's managed to pry out of her little brother regarding his potential suitor. The brunette listens attentively and comments appropriately, but she still looks baffled by something.
"What?" Serena demands self-consciously.
"You're very…perky. You're naturally bubbly, S., but never so…" She shakes her head. "At least, not lately." She shakes her head one more, marveling, "Arguing with Chuck sure puts you in good mood."
Serena ducks her head down momentarily, wishing she'd left her hair down to hide the colour that rises to her cheeks. "Yeah, well, I guess it's good to have an outlet for my…frustration."
~x~
Her phone vibrates halfway through her first-period class. She pulls it out of her bag, subtly checking her texts.
Hey, sis, you want a RIDE home from school today?
She has to bite her lip to keep from laughing aloud.
~x~
She's on her way to third period when she spots her estranged boyfriend. Dan's bitter looks have faded off as the days have gone by. Now he looks more hurt than angry; he wanders about the courtyard looking a bit like a lost puppy.
She's been so annoyed with him, but her anger has nothing on her good mood, and a strange sense of generosity wins out. She stops him in the hallway with a hesitant smile, a little bit contrite, and asks if they can talk. Hope flickers through his eyes and it doesn't take much to persuade him to skip his next class.
She takes him to the steps of the Met. It's an odd place to be with him, but she can't think of anywhere else to go, and she feels more secure on her own turf. They sit close together, knees touching.
"Are you still mad?" she asks cautiously after a silence that's not one hundred percent uncomfortable.
He sighs and taps his feet nervously. He's out of his element but he really does want to talk. "I was never really that…mad. You were just being so mysterious, and I…I don't want things to be like that for us, Serena."
Originally, she wasn't sure what she wanted from this conversation, a beginning or an end. He speaks so earnestly that she melts, leaning into him a bit. He loves her in such an honest, uncomplicated way. "Is there still an us?" she asks delicately.
His mouth doesn't move but his eyes smile. "I miss you, Serena."
The lunch bell rings. She hears it dimly, in the background, and her eyes drift away from Dan as she watches Constance and St. Jude's students spill out onto the sidewalks in pairs and groups. One particular pairing is given a wide berth by their classmates; they're easy to pick out. Chuck and Blair walk together in their ridiculously bright neon trench coats. They match. They banter easily; Chuck stops her with a hand on her upper arm and Blair rolls her eyes at whatever he suggests, but her whole body is swung toward his, all of her movements reflect what he does.
Serena can feel the two parts of her making this decision merging into one. In some ways it's masochistic, but on another level she knows she's trying to protect herself, even if it's not fair. She takes a deep breath as her hand finds Dan's. "I miss you, too."
~x~
She doesn't want to see Chuck right away. Instead, after school, she gets cappuccinos with Blair and waits patiently while her friend shops for new shoes. Blair is busy talking, busy prying. She wants to know things about Chuck and Dan, most importantly. Serena avoids her artfully, distracting her with Jimmy Choos and Manolos and other more trivial subjects. She knows that Blair has questions, but Serena doesn't have any answers.
She's still in a happy-go-lucky state of mind when she arrives at home, humming Flo-Rida to herself as she kicks off her boots. She stretches out her toes and presses her feet into the soft carpet.
Chuck is waiting for her, sitting on the couch, perfectly still like he's posing for a portrait. "Hey, sis."
She frowns. She doesn't like the look of this. "What's up with you?"
He shakes his empty glass, allowing the ice to rattle around. "I heard you're back with Humphrey."
Joining him, she tucks her legs under herself as she sits. "So?" she challenges. "You're still playing games with Blair."
Chuck smirks. "The best friend and the boyfriend," he says slowly. "Well, well. You really are making a comeback, aren't you?"
She scowls. "Blair is not your girlfriend."
"But she could be."
Serena shifts uncomfortably. "I'm not out to hurt her. I never have been."
"Neither am I," he reasons. "Blair is…complicated. I understand that."
What is unspoken is easy for her to hear. "But you don't understand why I'm still with Dan."
Chuck nods. "I thought you were over that silly desire, that craving for security." He reaches toward her leg, hand sliding upward. "You've always been better suited to danger. Drawn to it," he adds, his voice dipping lower. His breath tickles her ear. "Break it off with him."
She tilts her head, allowing his lips more access to her skin. "Why do you care?" she asks quietly, heart pounding as she awaits his answer."
"I don't," he lies as his lips capture hers.
~x~
Things are tense between them after Lily and Bart arrive home. Anger fuels lust, but when they can't be anywhere near each other, they remember that they're holding grudges. Erik doesn't even try to intervene; he can see that they're both fuming. Lily sighs as she looks at them, sitting on opposite sides of the couch, glowering at nothing.
"Bart is having some very important guests over for dinner this evening. I want you both dressed nicely, and I want to see nothing but civility from you two. Do I make myself clear?" She arches an eyebrow as they grumble replies.
They both wear what they normally would. Chuck's in a cashmere sweater and some pants with a ridiculous print; she wears a silky red shirt and a yellow skirt made of similar material that exposes her long legs. Lily doesn't look entirely pleased with either of their outfits, but she just sighs again, long-suffering, and lets them be.
She picks at her dinner while her stepbrother sits beside her. Erik, on her other side, is caught up in pleasant conversation with one of Bart's associates. She puts down her fork. She's had enough. No one is listening, and with all these people around them, he'll have to be reasonable.
"Look," she whispers. "We can't…" She sighs. "It's not like anyone can know about us."
"Is that what you want?" He's daring her to tell the truth.
"No, of course not," she responds shortly. "So…let's just leave things the way they are. It makes the most sense, doesn't it? I'll stay with Dan, and you and Blair can…be whatever you and Blair are."
"And that'll make you happy? That's all you want?"
Her eyes widen in surprise. "No," she hisses back, locking eyes with him momentarily. "That's what I want the world to see."
His smirk builds up slowly. "Having your cake and eating it, too," he remarks devilishly. "I have missed bad Serena." His hand finds her leg under the table, skimming the hem of her silky skirt.
"So we have a deal?" She puts it in terms he will explicitly understand.
Chuck grins. "We do, sis."
"Oh, Lily, it's so wonderful to see how well the children get along!" a guest comments brightly, smiling at Chuck and Serena.
They smile politely in response. In her peripheral vision, she sees his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
Lily nods, sipping her wine. "They do share a really wonderful relationship," she agrees, and Serena lifts her napkin on the pretense of wiping her mouth in order to hide her smirk.
~x~
His room has become their hideout, their safe haven. They lounge on his bed in the dark after dinner. The lively conversation of the adults, who are becoming increasingly intoxicated, is hardly noticeable through the virtually soundproof walls.
Serena knows her hair is a mess, mussed and static-y from the pillow she lies back against. Her short skirt rides up a little further every time she shifts, and one of the sleeves of her shirt slips down, exposing her shoulder. Chuck's eyes are pools of darkness as he looks at her. She knows that it suits her, looking a little wild, a little undone. She's never been one to aim for perfection.
She's known for having the easy life. The world is kind to Serena van der Woodsen. It looks on her mercifully when she makes mistakes, because she's beautiful and entertaining and charming. She doesn't have to work to achieve beauty, because she wears even messes well. Her last name and her sweetest smile will get her anywhere she wants to be.
Lately she's been fighting all of that. She's been trying to prove that she's more. She didn't think that anyone really appreciated the natural side of her, the side that allows her to gain things as easily as she breathes, the side that learns from her errors but can always find more to make. But when he looks at her now, she sees nothing but appreciation. She isn't meant to work toward the same kinds of achievements that people like Blair and Dan strive for; the best parts of her are displayed by her imperfections. She can be herself and still be worthy of someone. Her beauty and her love and her successes still have the same value, even when they aren't perfect.
She's somehow at her best when she's at her worst. Sort of like he is, if one takes enough time to think about it.
"You haven't said a word about Georgie lately," he murmurs lazily.
"I haven't heard a word from her lately." She wrinkles her nose. "Should that worry me?"
He shrugs, his smile apologetic. "I try to know as little as I can about Georgina Sparks."
She giggles. "That's a good policy to live by."
Chuck nods sagely. "I've always thought so."
She looks at him with heavy, heady eyes. It feels like it takes her a long time to blink. She leans in, closer to him, shifting her weight until she's pressed against his side. "I want this more than I should," she confesses, sleepiness translating into honesty.
"You've had too much to drink." His voice is soothing but firm. She can't start saying things like that.
Gaining some energy, she sits up a bit and swings one legs over his body, clearly surprising him as she straddles him. "Too much to drink and not enough you," she agrees. She feels his chest rumble with startled, pleased laughter as she presses the length of her body against his and kisses his neck.
She never thought their relationship would hit this level. When they were younger, parents would comment that their constant bickering meant that one day, they'd get married. They were teased mercilessly, such a complicated web of relationship. Serena had a crush on Nate, Blair was determined to make Nate her husband one day, Chuck lusted after Serena, Nate remained oblivious to it all, basking in the attention the girls lavished him with. When Serena disappeared off to boarding school, those dynamics changed. Blair was suddenly the girl Chuck couldn't have, while Blair took it upon herself to claim Nate as her rightful property.
And now, here they are.
Blair was bred for the UES, like they all were, but she was the only one who'd ever truly embraced it. She was going to fulfill her destiny and love every moment of it. Nate would dutifully live out the life that had been planned for him since birth. They would work hard, achieve lots, and remain in the lap of luxury. But Serena and Chuck, who'd always been handed anything their hearts desired, were more anxious to experience everything they'd never had to chance to be without.
It feels right as his tongue skims over her lips and into her mouth, as his hands rest on her thighs. It feels right because it's just wrong enough, with half of society and their parents in the next room.
She pulls back for air, sitting up a bit as his hands move over her legs. He looks back at her, eyes at half mast. Serena leans back down, a bit closer to him. She tugs the elastic out of her hair, letting it fall in curtains on either side of her face, hiding them away momentarily. "This is so fucked up," she whispers, feeling hints of regret catching up with her. She's in too deep and it's only been three days. Her wicked side knows no boundaries.
Chuck stares back at her, wearing an expression she isn't sure she's ever seen from him before. Her breathing gets shallow as he reaches up and tucks her hair back, behind her ear, his fingers lingering against her skin. His response makes it all seem so easy and ideally sinful: "You are so fucking beautiful."
~x~
"Hey, you," Dan greets her fondly the next morning. "Uh…when did you start getting rides to school from Chuck?"
She plasters on her brightest smile. "Oh, you know," she says with a roll of her eyes. "Our parents thought it would be a good idea."
He smiles back sympathetically. "But it's not, huh?"
Serena avoids the question. "It doesn't matter. I'm here with you now." She holds his hand securely in her own as they walk up the steps. "I'm sorry, about last night. I wish I could have hung out with you, but…Bart had these people over, so…"
"It's okay. I get it."
"What'd you do?" she asks, desperately making conversation. She doesn't want to let the strained silence win.
"Nothing, really. I got coffee with Sarah."
She freezes mid-step. "You guys still hang out?" She sounds accusatory, she can't help it.
Dan gapes at her. "You can't possibly be upset about that."
"Can't possibly be upset?!" she cries, dropping his hand. "Of course I'm upset."
"Are you kidding me? You're keeping a thousand and one secrets from me, but I'm here, I'm with you, I'm trying to be supportive, I'm trying to understand. I hang out with a perfectly nice girl, only a friend, whom you don't like for reasons that – surprise! – you won't tell me, and you get to be the one who's upset?"
When he puts it in those words, it kind of makes sense, but she can't have this argument again. "I know, Dan. I know this is hurting you and I hate that. One day it'll…it'll make more sense, I promise. For now, I need you to trust me. You love me, don't you?" At his reluctant nod, she adds, "So trust me."
She starts crying for no real reason. She's not normally one to break down in public, she's got too much pride for that, but she's a mess. She wants him to trust her because she does have good reasons and she'd like him to have some faith in her. At the same time, she is lying to him. She's fooling around with her stepbrother and sleeping in his bed and figuring out her life with his help; keeping Dan in the dark about it all.
"Serena…" He sounds apologetic, almost all of his defensiveness gone. He reaches for her hand again, but another set of five fingers, encased in black leather gloves, gets their first, holding on to her tightly.
"I need to borrow my sister for a second," Chuck says dryly, even though they got out of the limo only minutes earlier. He whisks her away and into a secluded corner of a hallway before Dan can even open his mouth to speak.
He studies her face carefully. "Are you okay?"
She kisses him desperately, with so much force that he stumbles back a bit, gently hitting the wall behind him.
Chuck pulls back first, shock clear on his face. "Serena," he says firmly, getting her attention. She focuses on his eyes. "I'm not trying to make your life miserable."
It's one of the nicest and most honest things he's ever said to her, and she wants to kiss him again. Out of the corner of her eye, she spots Blair rounding a nearby corner. She takes a step back, but she's still clinging to his hand, afraid that things will spiral out of control again the moment she lets go.
She glances down at the scuffed toes of her Balenciaga boots. "Believe it or not, you're the only thing that's making sense."
"Not," he chooses, winking at her.
She grins in spite of herself and reveals: "Georgina's still pretending to be Sarah. She's still hanging out with Dan."
"Psycho bitch," he mutters. "What do you want me to do about it?"
"Nothing."
His eyebrows fly up. "You're sure?" When she nods, he adds, "Well…let me know when you do. It'd be my pleasure to do some damage."
She nods again. It is that one fact, above all others, that is keeping her grounded. Beneath all the pervy jokes and the trysts and the teasing about bad-girl Serena, he actually does care.
If she needs him, he's there.
As if he can read her mind, a mischievous smile twists his lips upward and he leans in close to her ear to whisper, "In whatever way you wish."