A/N: Sorry for the wait! R&R, please.
"Hey, baby bro," she chirps, a bounce in her step as she sidles up to Erik and ruffles his hair.
He bats her hand away and glances over at her suspiciously. "You look…glow-y. Did I miss Dan?" he asks dryly.
Serena rolls her eyes. "Can't a girl just be happy?"
"Not that happy." Mercifully, he lets it go. "Mom and Bart come back today."
"Yeah," she sighs. It's bittersweet. She's going to miss staying up until three in the morning drinking cocktails, waking up with an arm draped over her waist, pretending that what she's going right now isn't totally masochistic.
"Haven't you missed them?"
"Of course I have," she tells him, smiling kindly. "It just feels like it's going to…solidify things. Make them permanent."
"I think that's good, though," Erik says slowly. "I think this is going to last. Or at least…I hope it does."
He's so sincere in his admission that her heart melts. Even in her worst moments and on her wildest days, when she forgot to care about Blair or Nate…Erik was always her top priority, her greatest concern. She has a strong maternal side, even though it gets lost sometimes. It was always Team van der Woodsen, Serena and Erik teamed up against the world. As long as she lives, she will never forget how she felt when she'd learned that he'd tried to take his own life. She will do everything she can to protect him, to protect his happiness.
She kisses his forehead and wraps him up in an impulsive hug, selflessly picking his happiness over her own. "Me, too," she agrees, and she manages to sound like she means it.
~x~
The homecoming is all smiles and hugs. Lily cries as she embraces them and tells them how much she missed them, how happy she is to be home, how proud she is that they didn't get themselves into any trouble.
Serena's cheek flame and she demands to see pictures for something to take her mind and her mother's off of this last statement.
She goes on and on as they watch a digital slideshow of photographs on the high-quality television. She asks questions and compliments outfits, poses and scenery. She sees her mother and Bart exchange a smile; they're happy that she seems so happy.
She's sitting on a pillow on the floor, leaning back against the couch just in front of where Chuck sits. She calms down a bit when his hands make their way into her hair, unnoticeably twirling golden strands around his index fingers at a steady, soothing pace.
When their parents vacate the room in search of gifts, he leans down toward her, lips brushing the shall of her ear. "What is going on with you, sis? You may as well have 'guilty' stamped on your forehead and a scarlet letter pinned to your shirt."
She tries to look angry as she subtly turns toward him, but she can practically feel the ache of vulnerability radiating out of her eyes. "Everything changes now."
"No," he says. She didn't know his voice could be so comforting. "Only the rules change." He straightens up as Lily and Bart come back in.
Chuck receives a silken Italian tie that they both know she'll steal soon enough. Erik receives a jaunty French hat that's kind of like a beret; it makes him look adorably ridiculous. Serena's gift is a bracelet from Sprain, small navy-coloured stones with inlaid gold in the shape of roses.
She gasps when she opens it. "It's beautiful!" She can't get it fastened on her own, and Chuck moves to help her without being asked. He does up the clasp for her, his fingers lingering against the underside of her wrist.
He looks at it approvingly and says mutedly, "It matches you."
Lily nods, sipping her sparkling water. "Deep blue eyes and golden hair," she sighs. Her expression is one of loving pride, of gratitude that her daughter's no longer running wild, and Serena finds herself thinking, for the first time in almost two years, oh, if only she knew.
~x~
She storms into his room that evening after an obligatory family dinner. She's still in her black skirt and white tank top, a sweater pulled on loosely overtop, when she flings the door open and paces in, declaring, "We need to talk."
She notices too late that Erik is there, flipping through Chuck's DVD collection as he sits on the floor. He looks up at her inquisitively, his innocent eyes slowly drawing conclusions. She opens her mouth to say something, to expel all those thoughts that are too close to the truth from his mind, but the words get stuck in her throat. She catches Chuck's eyes but he, too, is speechless.
What she just said was total couple speak. The blood rushing to her cheeks, the eyes trying to focus through a haze of lust onto the more serious things. How happy she's seemed lately, how oddly blissful they both seem to think the world is. They've been so sneaky. They've been getting along to a degree.
There are a million clues. Erik isn't stupid and there are a million clues.
The DVDs slip from his fingers, forgotten, as he slowly gets to his feet, his eyes travelling back and forth between his sister and his stepbrother.
He knows.
He inches toward the door carefully, as though expecting one of them to pounce. "I'll leave you to…talk…" he mutters uncertainly before quickly ducking out the door, closing it behind him.
For a moment after Erik leaves, they just stare at each other. She searches his eyes, biting her lip, wondering if she should just turn around and leave and end this now.
But then he pats his mattress at his side, indicating that she should come and sit next to him, and she can't resist. She crosses the room, joining him on the bed, and buries her face in her hands.
He reaches out, gently tugging the sweater from her shoulders, and she lets him. His fingers feel warm against her skin, and after he throws her sweater aside, she leans into him, resting her head against his shoulder. No other parts of their bodies touch, just her forehead against his shoulder, and they make a silent agreement not to discuss it, not right now.
"What did you want to talk me about?" he asks quietly, huskily.
She presses her cell phone into his hands. "Blair has been texting me nonstop." Reluctantly, she lifts her head up to make eye contact with him. "What are you doing, Chuck? What are we doing? She's my best friend."
"The best friend and the boyfriend," he muses once again. "Always your dilemma, isn't it?"
"This isn't funny," she snaps. "I'm not going to hurt her. Not again. I won't."
His eyebrows fly up. "So you want to end things. Is that what you're saying, S.?"
"No!" she says hotly, feeling a rush of unexpected emotion when he defines what they're doing as something that means enough to potentially be ended. "I'm saying that I care about her and that I know you do to, so I just…I don't understand why we're doing something that could break her heart." The last part comes out in a whisper.
Chuck leans back on his palms, his expression thoughtful. "I was always jealous of Nathaniel. Did you know that? I could have any girl I wanted, but not you, and not Blair. You two were always busy competing for him."
"And now…you want us both?" She stares at him incredulously, but a smile sneaks onto her lips. It's just so very Chuck.
He gives her a smile in return that is almost exactly the same, but he takes a long moment to think before he replies, very quietly, "You mean something to me, Serena."
She's taken aback. This side of Chuck, the one with emotions and the possibility of love, is still new to her. Her head is spinning and she feels tears prick her eyes. "But I can't," she says, her voice hoarse. "I have done this before, and it sucked then. We can't be…anything if our parents are together. There's too much that's wrong. And, God, seriously, Chuck, Blair is my best friend, and I've hurt her enough." She breathes in and out shakily, unable to look at him.
"So what…do you…want…to do?" His voice is slow and husky, his warm breath hitting her cheek, and he's so sexy that whatever her reply was disappears from her mind.
Her courage returns and she remembers what it was like to live life without rules. "Kiss me," she demands. For now, she's going to pretend that this is nothing but sex.
And, damn it, she's going to enjoy every second.
~x~
"Is it Dan?"
Serena blinks at her best friend in confusion. "Sorry…what?"
"Is it Dan, sweetie?" Blair asks her sympathetically. "Is he the reason you've been staring into space all day?" She grimaces empathetically. "Things still aren't so great for you two, huh?"
She stares into her yoghurt miserably. "Well, yeah. Sure. I mean, with Georgina pretending to be someone else and everything…" She trails off. "He asked me today if I wanted to have dinner with him and…Sarah. I'm scared that if I don't…"
Blair fumes on her behalf. "I am going to get that bitch…" she murmurs, reminding Serena of Chuck in a way that makes her heart skip an uncomfortable beat. "And Dan, what a jerk! Who does he think he is, being all judgmental with you? Dan Humphrey is not perfect."
Serena swallows hard. "Actually…I kind of feel like the jerk lately."
"What? Oh, S., no…why?"
She shrugs, her shoulders shaking. She can't answer that question. She glances up at Blair, lips trembling, tears in her eyes.
Her best friend pulls her into a hug automatically and she feels worse still. "It's going to be okay," Blair says soothingly, stroking her hair. She straightens up a bit, her body tensing up. "Oh, no," she growls, and Serena sits up as well, following her gaze.
"Nelly Yuki," Blair murmurs with a deathly gleam in her eyes. She turns back to Serena, touching her knee. "I love you, and you will be okay, but I have to deal with…this." She stands, smoothes out her skirt, and marches over to deal with her nemesis.
Serena laughs to herself sadly. She doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Blair. If she's going to take any risks, they have to be worth it.
~x~
When she goes to her locker after lunch to collect her books for her next class, she finds that it is overflowing with roses. There's a huge bouquet, stems tied together with lacy white ribbons. She swallows hard, well aware of who they're from. She remembers sitting with him in the living room prior to Lily and Bart's wedding, listening as the florist gave them a lesson on the symbolism of the colours of roses. She was in awe of the fact that he was actually interested. He loves more subtle, historical forms of flirtation; a woman's exposed wrists, the way she holds her fan, the colour of the roses she receives.
Most of the roses are white and a pale, coral-y pink. Secrecy and desire. Some, however, are deep, dark red, symbolic of beauty and love. Her mind can't quite process what he's trying to tell her – she couldn't put it into words.
But she knows in her heart. She feels it when she cracks open her latest Shakespearean work to find a perfectly dyed blue rose pressed within the pages, just over Sonnet 130. This is Shakespeare's mockery of typical love poetry, insisting that his lover does not live up to any stereotypical, flowery comparisons. This is his way of telling her that he knows all of her imperfections.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare/ as any she belied with false compare.
This is his way of telling her that he knows all of her imperfections, but that those are parts of the reason that they're doing what they're doing. She doesn't need poetry. She isn't the most mystical, beautiful creature ever to walk the earth or capture his eyes. She's wild and silly and sometimes stupid. She rarely looks into a mirror before she leaves the house and most of the time she wears his ties.
But he wants her that way.
Blue roses symbolize the unattainable.
She thinks, however, about secrecy and beauty and desire and love, and decides that just maybe, working toward the impossible is worth the risk.
~x~
"Family meeting," Lily declares as she walks by her in the hall, pausing to kiss Serena's forehead.
"Oh, Mom," she groans. "Family meeting? Really? What are we, on a sitcom?"
Lily sighs. "Serena, you have been such an angel lately, and I cannot even tell you how happy it's made me. We have something to discuss with all of you and I'd love it if you would go into the living room and sit down next to your brother without any further comments. Can you do that for me, darling?" she asks, arching her eyebrows. She's trying hard not to smile.
Serena smiles and bites her lower lip. "Yes."
Erik looks nervous when she walks into the room and joins him on the couch. Chuck sits far away from her in a chair. If anything, that confirms what her brother suspects rather than contradicting it.
They're so obvious. It would be cute if they were anyone else.
Lily and Bart sit down on the couch across from the one that Lily's two children occupy. Serena watches as his mother reaches for his hand, observes the light squeeze Bart gives it. The adults lock eyes and smile softly.
Her little brother's eyes dart between the two of them. "Are we moving?" he asks, and Serena reaches out automatically to take his hand. Erik is finally okay. He's happy, he's got Chuck, he has a boyfriend. This is not the time to uproot him.
"No, honey," Lily tells him gently. "We're not moving."
Her heart leaps into her throat. She draws the obvious conclusion before her mother can say it, mentally kicking herself and cursing the world. Of course this is happening now.
"I'm pregnant," Lily announces, her smile wide and her eyes bright as she awaits their reaction.
Serena balls her free hand into a fist and allows herself to panic for just one moment. Just one.
And then she does what's expected of her. She squeals, hugs her shocked brother, leaps up and jumps and claps, pulls her mother into an exuberant hug. She babbles a mile a minute about names and nursery colours and tiny baby shoes. She teases Bart and gives him her sweetest smile as she offers up earnest congratulations.
The first moment she can, the first minute all eyes are off of her, she looks to Chuck, trying to communicate her panic through her eyes. He smiles calmly as he sips his celebratory champagne and winks at her – slow and lustful and calculating.
The rules may have changed, but the game is still the same.
~x~
She can't sleep. She's restless. She puts a DVD into her laptop but she can't concentrate on the drama in someone else's life. She tries to read but her bookmark turns out to be an old note from Dan and she just doesn't want to think about it.
She texts Nate, and though his replies start out whiny, he 'talks' to her good-naturedly for the next forty minutes, joking around and telling her about what's going on in his life as of late. He makes her smile a couple times and she relaxes a bit, but eventually, he apologetically informs her that he has a lacrosse game the next day and he really needs to sleep.
Take care of yourself, his last message says, and she both loves and hates that he can realize through a series of texts that something is bothering her.
It's past midnight that night when she throws off her covers and gets out of bed, tiptoeing down the hallway toward another room.
For once, her destination has changed. She pushes the door open and closes it quietly behind her, moves quickly and silently over to the bed and crawls in, stretching her legs out and sighing as she stares up at the ceiling.
"Hi," Erik whispers.
Her throat is dry and her voice cracks as she replies: "Hey."
They lie there in silence for a while before she finally manages to ask, "Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think I'm an idiot?"
His eyes gleam in the darkness as he turns to look at her. His expression is one full of emotion, but it's not judgment; it's all innocent worry. "Be careful," he says softly, and she has to fight the urge to cry.
Blinking hard, she glances toward the ceiling. She closes her eyes and sees blue roses.
She hates that whatever they have has been doomed from the start.