Chapter Twelve:

Stumbling

"I hold my breath

As this life starts to take its toll

I hide behind a smile

As this perfect plan unfolds

But oh God

I feel like I've been lied to

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved"

Away From Me by Evanescence

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Hermione tried to focus on the paper in front of her, but the words kept blurring together. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was go upstairs and crawl into her bed and sleep through the next few days. But she couldn't, she wouldn't let herself do that. Hermione glanced around the common-room to see that she was all by herself. She shouldn't be surprised, it was after midnight everyone should be asleep. She should be asleep.

Hermione pulled her book bag closer to the couch and grabbed her bottle of Pepper-up potion. She knew that she shouldn't drink it, that she shouldn't depend on it to keep her awake, but right now she didn't care. She didn't want to sleep; she didn't want to see those images again. It was too much for her to handle right now.

She had barely put the bottle to her lips when it was knocked out of her hand and sent hurling into the fire where it shattered. She looked up wide-eyed to see Harry hovering over her, an angry look on his face.

"It was just a pepper-up potion." Hermione said quickly. She didn't understand why he would do that, why he would take away the thing that was keeping her awake, the one thing that was keeping her sane.

"It wasn't anything bad. I just needed something to help me stay up to finish my essay." Hermione explained, "I just—"

"Liar!" Harry yelled.

"Harry—"

"You're lying, you and I both know why you're taking that potion and it's not because you want to stay up to do an essay." Harry told her. "I shouldn't be surprised though; all you ever do anymore is lie. Lie to me; lie to Ron; to Remus…Is there anyone you haven't lied to?

"Harry…"

"I want to know why you did it, why you lied to me!" Harry continued as though he hadn't heard her at all, "Tell me why I had to find out from Dumbledore that you decided it was best to leave me in the dark about what was happening to you! I tell you everything Hermione, everything! And you told me nothing! Why?"

He looked so angry, so hurt and betrayed and Hermione's heart broke at the sight of him. She had done this; she had made him this way. "Harry…I was trying to protect you." Hermione told him, "Everything was happening so quickly and I was scared, so scared about what it meant. I didn't want you to have to be scared too. I went to Dumbledore and he agreed, after the attack he told me that he was scared of what you would do if you knew and I….After everything that has happened, Harry, I just didn't want you to be more worried then you already are. You have so much on your shoulders; I didn't want to add more."

"So you thought lying to me was best?" Harry asked. His face was contorted in so much anger and disgust that it made Hermione flinch. It reminded her of the dream she had had after she had been attacked, when she had seen the people she had cared about as her attackers. Harry's green eyes had been filled with hate like that then; she had hoped to never have to see it again.

"You just thought that you could keep all your little secrets, your little classes, your dreams, everything that you told Dumbledore and not me, you thought that you could keep it all hidden and I just would never find out. Harry's too much of an idiot to see what's right in front of his face. Well I found out and I know everything that you kept from me!"

"I wanted to tell you about the classes, Harry. I wanted you to be there with me! That was Dumbledore's decision, not mine! Please believe me Harry, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so many times, about everything. I just didn't know how." Hermione said. She wanted him to believe her. He could be angry with her, he could yell at her, he could make her work for his forgiveness, but she couldn't lose him. Not now, not ever.

"Miss Granger, you need to stop lying."

Hermione stared past Harry to see Dumbledore standing there, just feet away from them both. She hadn't noticed him before, but he had obviously been there, listening to their argument. And he hadn't said anything, hadn't tried to stop them, tried to convince Harry that he was wrong. Why wasn't he defending her? Why wasn't he helping her?

"Professor Dumbledore, what are you talking about? I'm not lying; you know that I'm not." Hermione told him.

"I'm sorry Miss Granger, but I cannot help you any longer." He said turning away from her and looking at Harry. "It was Miss Granger's decision not to tell you, Harry." Dumbledore said laying his hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry but it was."

Hermione saw a look of total hurt play across Harry's face and then it was gone and suddenly all that was left was anger. Hard, horrible anger that was all directed at her.

"You're still lying!" Harry shouted. He spun around, roughly grabbing her arms, forcing her to look directly at him. "Do you even know how to do anything but lie? When you said that you were taking occlumency lessons for me, was that a lie? When you said you weren't with George on Halloween, was that the truth or just another lie?"

His grip on his arms was painfully tight and with every question he asked of her, he shook her violently as though it would make her answer the way he wanted.

"Harry your hurting me!" Hermione whimpered. He didn't seem to hear her.

"When you tell me that I'm your best friend does that mean anything to you at all?" He yelled.

She couldn't recognize him. This wasn't the Harry she knew. The Harry she knew was brave, comforting and loved her. He would never do this. But he was. Hermione glanced behind him and saw Dumbledore still behind them. His eyes were twinkling and he smiled at her as though nothing was happening, as though Harry wasn't angry with her, as though he wasn't hurting her.

"Harry please—"

"I don't want to hear another lie!" Harry yelled. He raised his hand and it wasn't until it connected with her face that she realized what he had done. She reeled back, losing her balance, and went crashing to the floor with a terrible thud.

Hermione didn't want to open her eyes, she didn't want to see Harry's angry face again, she didn't want to see the pain, she didn't want to know that she deserved it. So she just laid there trying to listen to what was going on around her. She heard nothing, not even the crackling of the fire.

Hesitantly Hermione opened her eyes and found herself on the floor of the sixth girl dormitory. She was next to her bed, her legs entangled in her sheets. It had just been another dream. It had all just been another dream.

She vaguely remembered coming upstairs, exhausted from her day. It had been so long since she had last slept and she had convinced herself that maybe she would have another dream like she had had in the library. She had convinced herself that maybe there had been nothing wrong with that dream at all, that even if there was that she would be able to figure it out and not let it go too far. She had been so tired that she would have been able to convince herself of anything if it meant she could sleep.

Hermione pulled herself up off the ground and onto her bed. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. A part of her was still expecting Harry to be there, for him to strike her again, and she hated herself for feeling that way. Harry was her friend, she trusted him, and she knew that he would do anything to protect her. But it had felt real. It always felt real.

She could always decipher what had really happened from what she had seen in her dreams. She never got confused about that. She knew that Harry was in his dormitory; she knew that he hadn't come down to the common-room to find her that night; she knew that he hadn't found out about anything. Just like she knew that Mr. Weasley would never attack her, that Sirius no longer could. But it didn't take it away; knowing that it hadn't really happened didn't make it all better. Ever since the Death Eaters had attacked her, she had been haunted by it, forced to relive it over and over again in her mind. It wasn't just that attack that haunted her though; it was seeing George die and being blamed for it, it was Sirius trying to choke the life out of her, a werewolf clawing at her, it was Harry's hate filled eyes; it was her screaming for help and no one coming to save her. She knew all too well that those things had never happened, not really, but she had still felt them happen. And to her, they were very real.

That night's dream had been no different. Harry's angry heartbroken face stared back at her as she closed her eyes. She could still feel where he had grabbed her arms, where his hand had connected with her face. And she felt this terrible pain inside her, like something had finally broken when she had been forced to confront such an angry and crushed version of Harry, and had been forced to acknowledge that it was all her fault. She knew that that Harry wasn't real, that he would never hit her, never purposely hurt her, but Harry, the real Harry, he could hate her. There was such a large chance that he would hate her when he realized what she had been keeping from him. And that hate would hurt so much more than any physical wound ever could.

Hermione stood up shakily the room was spinning around her, forcing her to grab the bed to steady herself. The dizziness went away a moment later and she grabbed her robe off the foot of her bed and hurried out of the room and down the stairs making her way towards the boys' dormitory. She needed to see him, she needed to hear him say that he didn't hate her, that he was her best friend. She needed to hear him say it.

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Harry awoke to someone gently shaking him. "Harry," the voice came, "Harry, please wake up."

The shaking became a bit more frantic as Harry blinked awake, looking up at the blurry girl hovering over him. "Hermione?"

"Here are your glasses." Hermione said quickly shoving them into Harry's hands. He quickly put them on and looked up at her. She looked nervous and guilty standing there, as though she thought she was doing something wrong by being there, which by Hogwarts rules she probably was, being in the boys' dormitory so late at night.

"Hermione, what are you doing in here? Is something wrong?" He asked.

"I…I had another nightmare." Hermione told him, "And I…I just didn't want to be alone."

"Do you want to sleep in here then? Like you did over the summer?" Harry asked.

"No, that would just start off a bunch of new rumors, Harry. Neither of us needs that." Hermione said shaking her head. "I just thought…Could you come down to the common room with me?"

"Yeah Hermione, no problem." Harry told her standing up. She smiled at him, a look of relief briefly playing on her face before being replaced with a look of unease. She looked scared and small, like she had at the Burrow after the attack. He had hated to see her look like that then and it made him feel even worse now. He had been right; Hermione was far from okay, he just wished that there was something that he could do about it.

Harry followed Hermione down the stairs and into the common room. She sat down quickly on the couch gesturing to the spot beside her. Harry sat down and Hermione instantly scooted closer, her side brushing up against him.

"Hermione what's going on?" Harry asked, looking at her concerned.

"I told you Harry, I had this horrible dream and…"

"Hermione if there's something wrong I can help. You just have to tell me what's wrong; tell me what I need to do to make it better." Harry told her.

"You are doing it." Hermione said softly. "I just need….I need for you to be here right now, Harry. I need to know that no matter what happens, you're not going anywhere."

She was looking at him with pleading eyes, as though something depended on his answer, as though it meant everything to her.

"Of course I'm not going anywhere Hermione." Harry told her. "Why would you…Hermione, what's wrong?"

"I…" She wanted to tell him, she wanted to tell him everything, but she couldn't form the words, she couldn't say it out loud.

"I can't explain it Harry. I wish I could, but I can't. Everything since the attack has just gotten so much worse and I…" Hermione broke off; wiping away tears she didn't remember falling, trying to compose herself. This wasn't what she had wanted to happen. She had just wanted him to make it feel better, for a few moments she wanted it all to feel better.

"Harry, do you remember that night in the kitchen at the Burrow over the holidays? When I ended up crying?" She asked looking up at him.

"Yeah, of course I do." Harry told her quietly.

"You remember how you promised that everything was going to be okay, that soon everything was going to get better?"

"Hermione…"

"You meant that, right? You believe it?" Hermione asked him. "Because so far everything has just seems to have gotten so much worse and I really want to believe that you're right, that it will get better."

"I believe it, Hermione. I promise I do." Harry said, pulling her into a hug. He felt her stiffen for a moment, as though he had done something unexpected, before she moved herself closer to him, burying her face in his neck. He wrapped his arms around her tighter, not sure what else to do. He still wasn't used to Hermione needing him this way; she had always been so strong, she had never seemed as though she was breakable but this year had taught him how fragile she really was.

"Harry?" Hermione asked pulling back from him. She looked so young as she gazed at him, much like the first year that had locked herself in the girls washroom to cry. "Will you stay down here with me the rest of the night? Please Harry, I don't want to be alone."

"Of course I will." Harry told her. "Let me just get a blanket." he said, moving to stand up. Hermione quickly grabbed his hand stopping him.

"No! I mean, I'll just transfigure something." Hermione said quickly, pulling her wand out and pointing it at a piece of parchment someone had left. A moment later the parchment became a large red quilt that reminded Harry of the one he usually used at the Burrow.

Harry quickly grabbed it off the table, draping it over the both of them as Hermione repositioned herself, leaning against Harry's shoulder. Thinking that it would be uncomfortable for her to sleep that way, Harry moved so his arm was behind her and she was resting her head on his chest like she had done at the Burrow. Hermione looked up at him surprised, before smiling at him gratefully. It was a real smile and Harry was happy to see it.

Harry found himself watching her for a while after that. He didn't think she was asleep, but she looked content. It had been a long time since he had seen her look like that and he couldn't help but feel kind of proud that he had been the one to make her feel that way.

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Hermione walked down the hall, shifting her bag to the other shoulder. She had spent most of her day hiding in the library when she wasn't in classes, trying to avoid Harry. Last night he had been so supportive, he had told her all the things that she had wanted to hear and for a little while she really had felt better. She had felt protected, she had felt like somehow they would be okay, no matter what happened they would always be there for each other, Ron as well, and it wouldn't always fix things but it would help.

She hadn't fallen asleep again that night, but Harry had. She had laid there watching the sun rise through the common room window and listening to him breathe and for a few minutes everything had felt right. And then it hadn't. Every fear that she had been having crashed down on her and sent her thoughts spiraling out of control. Yes, things were fine then, but Harry wasn't going to sleep forever. He was going to wake up and when he did, he was going to have questions; he was going to remember her sobbing in his arms begging him to promise that everything was going to get better. And she didn't know what to tell him. She didn't know what she would say to him when he finally did corner her.

Hermione had stayed in the common room for a while, taking comfort in just being there with him but she was gone before he woke up. She had gone upstairs, changed into her uniform and left Gryffindor tower all together. She had gone to the kitchens and grabbed a quick breakfast from Dobby and waited outside until the library had opened. Madam Pince had looked at her oddly when she had found her sitting there, working on her transfiguration essay, but she hadn't said anything. Hermione had been glad because she really hadn't been up to talking to anyone then. She wasn't even up to talking to anyone now. She had left the library two hours later, but only because she had class. When she took her place in between Harry and Ron, she had felt Harry watching her and she had felt the questions that he wasn't asking because Professor McGonagall was there. And she hadn't said anything; she hadn't looked at him at all and it had killed her, but she didn't know what else to do. When class was over, she was the first out of her seat and the first one through the door. The next class she did the exact same thing.

She had sat across from Harry at lunch and Hermione had felt his eyes on her the whole time. She had never felt guiltier. This wasn't Harry's fault, he hadn't done anything wrong, in fact he done everything right, Hermione just didn't know what to tell him now. She couldn't tell him that she was okay, because he already knew that she wasn't. She just hoped he didn't realize how un-okay she was.

Hermione shifted the bag on her shoulder again as she walked down the corridors towards the dungeons. She wished she had the time to go to Gryffindor tower and drop it off. She wished she had the courage to go to Gryffindor and drop it off. But she didn't, so she would just have to bring it with her to Professor Snape's.

She wasn't looking forward to tonight's lesson. She wasn't getting any better at occlumency; she tried, she tried so hard, but she just couldn't get it. She had never been able to keep him out of her mind, not completely. She had mastered the art of showing him what he didn't want to see, she could gain enough control to fire off a spell to break his concentration, eventually she could force him from her mind, but she wasn't able to deny him access to her mind. He always got in and he always saw something.

He had seen far more then Hermione had ever wanted him to see. It was scary but she had come to the realization that Professor Snape, of all people, probably knew more about her than anyone else. It wasn't like Harry and Ron who knew the important things, he didn't know her favorite color, or that she couldn't eat pumpkin pie without thinking of her mother or how she secretly liked it sometimes when she broke the rules with Harry and Ron. He didn't know that she could repeat Hogwarts a History word for word, he didn't know that she felt safest when she was around Harry, and he didn't know that she somehow found herself trusting him more than she did the Headmaster. But he did know that she looked at the bracelet that George had given her every night, he knew that she had tried to get rid of the dark mark on her hip herself and that she had cried for hours after she had failed. Professor Snape knew that she let Viktor kiss her over the summer; he knew that had lied repeatedly to Harry and Ron this year, he knew so many of things that she held close to her heart, so many of the things that she was scared to tell anyone and he hadn't said anything. There were selective memories that he commented on, that he used to mock her with when they were alone, but they weren't the important ones, they weren't the ones that could really hurt her. And that surprised her and it comforted her somehow, it made her feel like he would protect her. That didn't meant that she enjoyed him sifting through her memories, but it did make her feel better about it.

Lost in her thoughts, Hermione missed the last step on the staircase and tumbled to the ground, her bag landing beside her, spilling out its contents. Hermione groaned loudly, before moving to collect her things. At least not everything had fallen out. She gathered some loose parchment and a couple of books, shoving them back in her bag.

"I think you missed something."

Hermione's head whipped around at the sound of Harry's voice. He was standing at the bottom of the steps; he had a confused look upon his face but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking past her.

"Over there, by the statue. It looks like a potion bottle." He said, squinting to see better.

"Oh, I forgot I had that. It's my pain potion," Hermione said quickly grabbing the bottle and putting it back in her bag. "The one that Madame Pomfrey gave me when I hit my head." Hermione quickly explained. It was a lie but he didn't need to know that.

"Oh." Harry said looking down at the floor.

"Umm…Harry, what are you doing down here?" Hermione asked glancing around at the dungeons. This was Slytherin territory and no Gryffindor came down here unless they had too.

"I was hoping to catch you before your…teacher's aide duties with Snape." Harry told her.

"Oh." Hermione said. She had been afraid of that.

"We haven't talked all day Hermione." Harry said. He sounded hurt and she hated that she had done that to him. Sometimes it felt like that was what she was good at, hurting the people she cared about.

"Did I do something wrong last night?" Harry asked, "I mean I know I fell asleep but I—"

"No…You didn't do anything wrong, Harry." Hermione told him quickly. "I just…I just felt so ridiculous. I had a nightmare and I came running to you like a five year old would to their mother. I'm not supposed to be scared of dreams; I shouldn't need to run to you for protection."

"Hermione, I understand better than anyone how scary dreams can be." Harry said stepping towards her. "Trust me; once you dream your Voldemort, everything else pales in comparison."

"I'm sorry." Hermione told him softly. And she was. She was so sorry, for more then he would ever know.

"I'm not mad at you." Harry said, "I get it, trust me I do, I just…Like I said last night, I just want to help."

"I know Harry." Hermione said smiling up at him, "And I appreciate it, more then I can say."

"You know, you never told me what the dream was about." Harry said, his eyes connecting with her own.

"It…" She didn't know what to tell him, what to say when he was looking at her like that. How could she tell him that she had dreamed of him hating her? How could she tell him that she had dreamed of him hitting her, that she had bruises on her arm that shouldn't be there because he had shaken her horribly in her dream? She couldn't tell him that. She could never tell him that.

"It was about what happened over Christmas, wasn't it?" Harry said, "It was about the attack."

"Ron told you about when I fell asleep in the common room, didn't he?" Hermione asked. She wasn't surprised, Ron used to tell her when it was Harry having nightmares it was only to be expected that they would discuss it when it was her.

"Yeah, he did." Harry said softly. "He's just worried. We both are. You know, you've never really talked to us about what happened." He told her, "We heard what you told the Order and me and Ron talked about what happened, but we've never, the two of us have never talked about what happened."

"That's because I don't really want to talk about Harry." Hermione told him, shaking her head. "I don't know if I really can talk about it. I'm trying to get past it, accept that it happened, I'm just not doing it as quickly as I want to be."

That was the truth; she wished she was over it, she was trying so hard to be over it, but she wasn't. She knew she wasn't.

"I guess I get that." Harry said nodding his head.

"Thank you." Hermione told him, taking a step closer to him. He looked so understanding, he was being so supportive of her, and once again she wasn't being honest with him. Once again, she was bending the truth so she wouldn't be forced to tell him everything.

"For what?" Harry asked.

"For…For coming downstairs last night when you didn't have too, for putting up with my tired, crazy rambling, for not being angry at me for avoiding you all day." Hermione said.

"It's really not that big of a deal." Harry said, looking down at his shoes as his face turning red.

Hermione smiled at his discomfort, he always was bad at accepting praise from her, but decided to put him out of his misery. "I should probably get to Professor Snape's classroom." Hermione told him.

"Oh, yeah, of course." Harry said. "I'll walk you the rest of the way."

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Hermione picked at her dinner, not really tasting anything that she was eating. She wasn't very hungry and if it wasn't expected of her to be at dinner then she would have just gone back to the common room. Of course being alone probably wasn't for the best either; when there was no one watching her, when she let herself relax, she often found herself drifting and she couldn't fall asleep again. She couldn't risk it. She wouldn't risk it.

Hermione's eyes drifted to Professor Snape at the Head Table. She wondered if he or Dumbledore had found anything to help her. She was trying to remain positive but not too hopeful, so she wouldn't be disappointed when things didn't happen as soon as she liked. She refused to believe that they wouldn't be able to stop the dreams. They would find a way. They had too. She just had to ignore the nagging little voice in the back of her head that told her that maybe they wouldn't. That maybe there wasn't anything to be found. She had to ignore the voice in the back of her head that told her that Professor Snape's indifferent behavior the night before had to do with her dreams.

Hermione scanned the rest of the Head Table; Professor McGonagall wasn't there and neither was the Headmaster. She couldn't help but think that they were in Dumbledore's office discussing something to do with the Order. She glanced at Professor Snape to see if he looked worried about something and noticed that he was no longer eating dinner. He was staring across the room instead; his forehead wrinkled in a way that she normally connected with what he looked like when he had seen one of her memories that he didn't completely understand. She followed his gaze to the other side of the room and steel gray eyes connected with her own.

"Be a good little girl and do as you're told."

His voice was ringing in her ears and she could no longer see anything but cold gray eyes staring at her behind a silver mask. She could feel his hands on her; feel the leather of his gloves as he pushed her into the center of the circle. They were all around her, pulling at her, taunting her as she shook in their presence.

"Such a pretty little thing."

He ran his hand down her face and she wanted to push it away, she wanted to scream, to run far away from there, far away from him, but she couldn't. She couldn't force herself to move, to do anything but stare at those horrible gray eyes, as he mocked her and made her feel like she was nothing.

"Hermione? Hermione are you alright?" Harry's voice broke through the fog.

Hermione gasped and quickly closed her eyes. It wasn't real, she reminded herself, it wasn't real and it wasn't happening it again. Draco Malfoy was not his father and neither of them could hurt her there. She was safe in Hogwarts; she was safe with Harry sitting beside her. There was nothing to be afraid of.

"Hermione you're breathing heavily, are you al—"

"I'm fine." Hermione said. Her voice sounded loud to her own ears and she cringed at the panicky tone it took. "I just—I just remembered something…that I needed to do." She said, quickly standing up from the table. She had barely eaten anything at dinner and she knew that her friends could tell there was something wrong, but she didn't care. She had to get out of there, she had to leave.

"I'll see you guys later." Hermione mumbled, quickly walking away from the table. She could feel her friends' eyes on her as she left, she could feel his eyes on her, and suddenly the room was too small, there were too many people, and she found herself resisting the urge to scream.

Hermione pushed her way past a few straggling second years and ran through the front doors leading outside. It was freezing and pouring rain outside and she was drenched within minutes, with no coat to protect herself, but Hermione didn't care, she welcomed the rain, she welcomed the cold. It was a reminder that she was there in that moment and no longer trapped in the woods outside the Burrow.

In the Great Hall for a few moments, it had felt like it was all happening again, as though it was real. It felt as though it had just happened and she hated it. She just wanted it to be over. She didn't want to think about it anymore. She wanted it not to be able to affect her like this. She wanted to put it behind her and be herself again, not scared, not terrified, not anything but her normal self.

A sob escaped Hermione lips as she found herself beneath the large tree by the lake. She sunk to the ground, as she began to cry harder. She couldn't help but think that she had changed, that there was something different about her now. The old Hermione had been brave and ready to face whatever came at her; the old Hermione would never have had to run out of the Great Hall because she was scared; the old Hermione would have looked Malfoy in the eye until he had been the one to back down. She wasn't supposed to be the kind of girl in need of saving; she was supposed to be strong. She wasn't supposed to be crying her heart out alone in the rain; she was supposed to be inside laughing with her friends.

She felt broken and she just wanted be fixed. She wanted someone to tell her how to fix herself, how to make herself whole again.

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Hermione walked down the entrance hall, rubbing her arms, trying to warm herself up. She had barely noticed the rain when she was crying, but now she could feel how much it was affecting her; her clothes were soaked and she was shivering violently. She should have brought her coat outside with her; she should have brought her wand. She shouldn't have gone out in a rain storm in the first place.

"Miss Granger!" Professor McGonagall's shrill voice of surprise came from behind her. Hermione cringed and turned around. She had really hoped that no one would notice her coming inside.

"Miss Granger, what in Merlin's name is going on here? Why are you—you're—were you outside?" She demanded.

"Ye-yes." Hermione said, her teeth chattering loudly in the quiet hallway.

"Why would you go outside in this kind of weather?" Professor McGonagall asked, "And without a cloak. Miss Granger—" She stopped suddenly, as though something had just dawned on her and she stopped looking at Hermione as though she was a small child in need of scolding and more like one who had been separated from their mother in a shopping mall.

"Miss Granger, are you alright?" She asked.

"I-I'm fine." Hermione said quickly, "Just a little cold." She was soaked and freezing and she just wanted to go upstairs and change. She didn't want to have to explain herself, she hadn't done anything wrong, it was before curfew and the sun was just setting she was allowed to be outside, no matter how bad of an idea it was.

The doors to the Great Hall opened behind Professor McGonagall and Hermione saw the Headmaster emerge, his purple robes standing out in the dark hallway.

"Ah, Minerva, Miss Granger, what a pleasant surprise," He said, walking up to join them. "And apparently a watery one at that. What happened, Miss Granger?"

"I'm fine, I was ju-just…I thought I left a library book outside and I was afraid it would get ruined in the rain, so I went out to look for it." Hermione lied quickly. It was what she had planned to tell Harry and Ron when they inevitably asked her where she had been.

"A library book?" Professor McGonagall repeated, clearly not believing her.

"Yes, but I could-couldn't find it. I must have left it somewhere else." She told them.

"I'm sure you'll find it soon," Dumbledore said with a smile, "But for now I think you should go back to your common room." He waved his wand and Hermione's clothes dried instantly. "And sit in front of the fire perhaps."

"Thank you, Headmaster. That sounds like a good idea." Hermione said, turning to go down the hall.

"Albus you can't just let her go." She heard Professor McGonagall say behind her. "She was outside in a winter rain storm, that isn't—something might be wrong."

"Of course, you're right as usual Minerva." She could practically hear his eyes twinkling behind her as he talked to Professor McGonagall. "Miss Granger?" Dumbledore called a moment later.

"Yes, Headmaster?" Hermione said reluctantly turning around.

"If you feel any side effects of your time spent out in the rain, make sure that you see Madame Pomfrey." He told her, "A cold will put you behind in your studies."

"Of course, Professor Dumbledore, I wouldn't want that to happen." She told him. She smiled at her teachers, ignoring the upset look on Professor McGonagall's face, and turned back around.

It was one time that she was happy that he had decided to play oblivious. She didn't want to have to answer any questions. She was having a hard enough time keeping it all together as it was. She had pulled herself together the best she could but she knew if they asked the wrong questions, she would crumble right in front of them.

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"That was a fine effort, Hermione." Remus said handing her back her wand.

"It's alright Remus; you don't have to lie to me." Hermione told him, "I know I'm horrible at this."

"Hermione that's not true—"

"Remus we've been at this for weeks and I've won two duels, one because you let me and the other because Professor McGonagall walked in and you were distracted." Hermione said.

"Hermione you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Dueling and defensive magic is very difficult to learn and what I'm teaching you is far beyond the sixth year level, it much more like what they teach in the Auror Academy, which students study at for two years. No one expects you to pick this up over night." Remus explained. "And might I add that dueling isn't the only thing that we've been working on and you're getting very good at sensing magic."

He smiled at her and Hermione forced herself to smile back. She knew learning to defend herself was important, she knew how important it would be the next time Death Eaters decided to show up. But it was just so hard. Everything was coming at her so fast and she didn't have time to think, to react. And she had to pretend that it didn't hurt when a spell hit her in the same place she had been thrown into a cabinet, had to pretend that she didn't feel unsteady on her feet because she hadn't slept in days, that she didn't wish she was anywhere else. With so much of her energy focused on pretending that she was alright, she was having difficulties focusing on dueling, on being able to win.

"Why don't we try something different for the rest of the time?" Remus suggested. "We've already established that you're good at sensing magic, you always been able to find me, so let's take it to the next level."

"The next level?" Hermione repeated slowly. She wasn't sure she liked the idea of a next level or any level beyond that.

"Yes, you will wear the blind fold—"

Hermione stifled a groan, as he held the offensive piece of red material up again. While she had grown used to it, she never liked wearing the blindfold and loss of control it forced upon her. She wished desperately there was another way to do this.

"—and I will fire a spell at you as you try to sense the magic and stop it before it reaches you." Remus continued.

"What?"

"Now, Hermione I know how that sounds but I promise this will work. I'll start off with something harmless, like a tickling charm, cast it silently and you will try to deflect it before it hits you. We've talked about sensing magical auras, magical places, magic itself should be much easier to detect because it's in a much purer form."

"Alright." Hermione said. She had been trying to sound hopeful but it came out rather unsure.

"Let's try it without the blindfold first." He suggested, "You can even cast a shielding charm so you know the charm won't hit you. I just want you to pay attention, don't think about what the spell will do if it will hit you, don't think about it coming towards you, just think about the area around you and try to detect a difference as the spell comes closer."

"Alright." Hermione said, taking a deep breath and planting her feet firmly on the ground.

"Ready?" Remus asked taking his place across from her.

"Yes." Hermione said quickly casting a shield charm. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the area around her like Remus had told her too. She could detect a hint of magic, similar to what she felt whenever she discovered Remus, and she imagined that it was her shield. A moment late Remus raised his wand and Hermione watched as a beam of purple light shot from his wand, directly at her. She closed her eyes at the sight of it, still uncomfortable with spells being thrown at her, but she could still feel it coming. Or at least she thought she could. She could sense something in the air; she could feel it pulsing as it came closer to her. She opened her eyes just in time to watch it connect with her shield and hit the opposite side of the room.

"How'd you do?" Remus asked.

"I think I could sense it." Hermione said. "It was like how I can tell where you are, where I get the feeling I'm being watched by something right in front of me, but it was different, this time it was like I could feel it moving, I could feel it getting closer to me."

"That sounds exactly right, Hermione." Remus said smiling at her. "Now let's try it with the blindfold and without the shield charm."

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"I think that's enough for right now." Remus told her. "You did really well, Hermione."

"Thanks." Hermione said quickly taking off the blindfold. It had taken her a while to get the timing down, but she had managed to block most of his spells the last few times they had gone. It wasn't easy, but it hadn't been as hard as she thought it would be and it made her feel a little more confident in her skills. She was far from mastering her dueling skills, but this she could do. She could use this skill to help protect her and that gave her comfort that she hadn't been aware she needed.

"Next time we'll work on a different, stronger spell." He told her. "But for tonight that's all we're going to be doing."

"But we still have another half an hour." Hermione said glancing up at the clock. It was unusual for them to finish before the allotted time was over, normally they didn't finish until after and Remus had to escort her back to the common room because it was past curfew.

"I know, but the Headmaster has requested that I end tonight's lesson early and that we meet with him and Professor Snape in his office." Remus said.

"Oh. Did he say what it was about?" Hermione asked.

"He…I believe he has something to request of you. I'm sorry but I don't know much more than that." He told her, quickly opening the door and gesturing for her to come along.

He appeared uncomfortable with her question and Hermione didn't push him. She had an idea what this meeting might be about and she had to fight back the uncharacteristic urge to giggle with excitement. They had finally found something to help her; they had finally found something that might actually work to stop her dreams. She really didn't care what it was at this point. She didn't care if it was risky or dangerous, which seemed rather likely from Remus's behavior, she just wanted it to be over. She wanted to go to bed and not worry about what would happen. She would do whatever she had to in order to do that.

The Headmaster was waiting for them at the gargoyle when they arrived. "Hello Remus, Miss Granger." He said smiling at them both. "I'm sorry to have to cut your lesson off early, tonight."

"It's alright, I don't mind." Hermione told him following him through the passage way and up the stairs, Remus coming behind her.

"How are your defense lessons coming?" Dumbledore asked as they entered his office. Professor Snape was already there, leaning against the fireplace. He didn't look at them as they entered but Hermione could see his posture change when they entered making him look taller.

"Alright, I think." Hermione told him. She and Remus were directed to the two seats in front of the Headmaster's desk and she watched as the Headmaster took his own seat. Professor Snape didn't sit down, but he did move so that he could see them all from his position.

"The lessons are going quite well." Remus agreed, nodding stiffly at the Headmaster.

"That's good to hear." Dumbledore said. A loud silence followed his comment as Hermione waited for one of the men watching her to start talking. She was trying to be patient but she was rather anxious about what they were going to tell her.

"Miss Granger, we need to speak with you about something of grave importance." Professor Dumbledore told her. "I trust that nothing said here tonight will be discussed outside these walls."

"Of course, Headmaster." Hermione said nodding her head solemnly. She was trying very hard not to smile at the thought of her dreams being over. She knew that just because they had found something didn't mean it would work. She knew that even if they had found something, it might take weeks before it would actually be prepared if it was a potion or something of that nature. But the idea of it, the idea that there really was something out there that could help her made her feel so much better. It gave her hope that she hadn't had in weeks.

"Miss Granger you're well aware of Professor Snape's position in the Order, in his position in the Death Eaters Inner Circle." Dumbledore began, "At the beginning of the summer he was called by Voldemort and given a mission."

"A mission?" Hermione repeated.

"Professor Snape was given the task of getting closer to you, Miss Granger, of obtaining your trust and learning more about you." He explained.

She had been wrong. She shouldn't be surprised; this wasn't the first time that she had been wrong. In fact, lately she had been making a habit of it. So it shouldn't surprise her now that she was wrong. She had been presumptuous and hadn't been thinking clearly at all, it was her own fault that she was feeling badly now. She had gotten her hopes up and there was no one to blame but herself.

"We have been able to make sure that Professor Snape has done just that." Dumbledore continued, "I'm sure that if you think about it, you'll realize that you have spent more time with Professor Snape this year, then in years past."

"Yes, I can." Hermione said quietly. Suddenly she felt very small and very foolish. She had never thought Professor Snape liked her, but she had thought…she had thought that after everything that had happened this past year, his feelings about her had changed. That he may not like her, but that he didn't hate her anymore either. She couldn't help but feel like she had been betrayed somehow now that she knew that it was never true, that it had all just been an act. He didn't care what happened to her, he never had, he had just needed her to believe that he did.

"Why are you telling me this now? Why not at the beginning of the year?" Hermione asked. Professor Snape was standing stiffly by the window, not looking at her and he wished that he would stop. The way that he wasn't looking at her was somehow worse than him staring.

"We needed you to behave naturally around Professor Snape, for your actions to be as true as possible." Dumbledore told her, "It was best that you didn't know what was going on, so that you didn't behave strangely around him."

"But something's changed." Hermione said quietly.

"Yes, something has changed." Dumbledore said, his tone turning grave. "Tom is getting impatient. He wants proof that Severus is making progress, something to show him how you feel about him. We need him to believe that you and Professor Snape have formed some sort of a relationship, that you have put your trust in him, that things are going the way he wants. If he believes this then he will be willing to confide more information in Severus, he will hopefully tell him what his plans are for you. This information is very important and very necessary, as I'm sure you can see."

Hermione looked away from Dumbledore and at the portrait on the wall next to her. The man was staring at her too, looking at her as though he was trying to determine what made her so special, what made her so different that Voldemort wanted her. Why she was worthy of such elaborate schemes. She wanted to know too.

"Miss Granger?"

"What exactly do you want me to do?" Hermione asked.

"Draco Malfoy has been instructed to keep an eye on you." Dumbledore told her. "He knows that you have your teacher aid duties with Professor Snape on Friday and we have good reason to believe that he will follow you there to see if he can gather any information. We want you to make sure that he gets what he's looking for."

--------------------------------

Hermione wasn't quite sure how she made it from the Headmaster's office to the portrait of the Fat Lady; she found herself unable to remember much of the trip. Her mind was jumbled trying to sort out everything that she had just learned from what she had believed was the truth. She wasn't sure whether she should be angry at Professor Snape for pretending to be something that he wasn't or angry at Professor Dumbledore for arranging for it.

She wished that the Headmaster had never told her. She wished that they had just let her keep believing the lie. She had trusted Professor Snape; she had gone to him when she needed help. He knew more about what was going on with her then than Harry, than Ron. And it had all just been an act, a job to keep both of his masters happy. Hermione had felt such hope when she had entered the Headmaster's office, she had believed that everything was going to get better and then, just like her dream about Sirius, just like that night in the library, every hope she had was ripped away. She had trusted Professor Snape, more than Dumbledore, and now she didn't have much faith in either of them. She had been foolish, so very foolish and now all she felt was hurt and alone.

"Well dearie, do you plan to just stand there all night or are you going to give me the password?" The Fat Lady asked her.

"Oh," Hermione said softly, "I….umm, Oddsbodkins."

The portrait swung open and Hermione climbed through quickly. The common-room was surprisingly deserted, only a few students from the upper classes were scattered about the room, most of which were doing homework. She spotted Harry by the fire and hurried over taking a seat on the couch he was leaning against.

"What are you working on?" Hermione asked looking over the papers he had spread out around him.

"My potions essay," He told her, "But I really have no idea what I'm doing. I only understood about half of what the textbook is saying and even less of what Snape was talking about when he was lecturing us. Do you think I can look over your essay? Maybe I'll understand it better if you're the one explaining it."

"I…I haven't actually written my essay yet," Hermione told him quietly.

"You haven't written it?" Harry asked surprised. Hermione always had her essays written before he even attempted to write his. She was always weeks ahead in all of her classes.

"No, I've been a little distracted." Hermione said still not meeting his eyes. "I have all my research for it though, if you want to look over that."

"No, that's okay." Harry said still looking at her oddly. "Are you okay, Hermione? You look upset."

"No, I'm fine, just a bit tired." Hermione said forcing herself to smile at him.

Harry didn't look convinced but he turned back to his work, lifting up his textbook to reread it again. Hermione sat there watching him a while, her thoughts swirling in her head. Dumbledore kept asking these things of her, acting like none of it really affected her, and it was really starting to get to her. She was tired of keeping things from Harry, she was tired of having to pretend that everything was fine, she was just so tired.

"Harry?" Hermione asked unable to stop herself, "When Dumbledore called you into his office, without the rest of us when we got back to Hogwarts, what did he want to talk to you about?"

"Same as you, he just wanted to make sure that I was alright." Harry told her, "He thought that I might be unwilling to answer truthfully in front of everyone who was in the room."

"That was all?" Hermione asked.

"I think so, why?" Harry asked her.

"It's just…Last year when you said that Dumbledore had told you about the prophecy, when he told you what it meant and what's expected of you, you made it seem like things were going to change, but have they? Has he made any plans with you? Has he...has he asked you to do anything?"

"Well I don't know." Harry said looking at her oddly. "We've talked several times; he calls me into his office to make sure I'm okay a lot, usually after something's happened."

Hermione had noticed that whenever she read about an attack in the papers Harry would go off for hours, she had just never known where. "But no lessons?" Hermione asked.

"You mean like occlumency lessons?" He asked.

"No I…I don't know what I mean." Hermione said softly.

"He's been more honest this year, if that's what you mean. He doesn't tell me everything, I know that." He said looking away from her, "But he does tell me more, he answers my questions. I think he's starting to see me as more than just a kid."

"I'm glad Harry." She told him forcing a smile. Honestly, she wasn't so sure that he was right. It seemed more like he was just placating Harry so he would think that he was a part of the Order, when really he was just as much of an unknowing pawn as the rest of them. What she didn't understand was why. If they really expected Harry to be the savior of the wizarding world, shouldn't they be doing something? Shouldn't he be beside her in self-defense classes, shouldn't he be training? Harry was a very powerful wizard, Hermione was well aware of that, but they couldn't depend on that power alone. So why wasn't Dumbledore doing anything? Why was he asking things of her but not Harry?

"Hermione, what made you ask that?" Harry asked looking up at her.

"I just…After I helped Remus in his class tonight, Professor Dumbledore had me come down to his office." Hermione explained, "It just got me thinking."

"Why'd he want see you?"

"The same as last time," Hermione lied, "How are doing? How are you feeling? They made sure my hip hadn't been hurting me. It wasn't anything important."

He didn't need to know the truth. He didn't to know how right he and Ron had been about Professor Snape. He didn't need to know just how betrayed and destroyed she felt right now.

He didn't need to know about the burden Dumbledore had put on her shoulders. At least not yet.

---------------------------------

His hands caressed her, finger trailing across her jaw and down to her neck. She didn't know who he was, but his body radiated feelings of trust and care more intensely then she had every felt before and she felt no need to step away from him.

"Hermione"

Her eyes fluttered shut, as his hands ran up and down her side, encircling her waist. It didn't hurt when he touched her; there was no pain from the bruises along her side as his hands held her close to him. It was the first time in a long time that nothing hurt, that she didn't have to pretend that she didn't ache. She couldn't help but think that he had something to do with that.

"You're in such pain, Hermione." The whispered voice caressed her as much as the hands did, washing over her, making her to shiver. "You hold so much inside. You keep your secrets so close to your heart. You don't have to do that, not with me."

One hand released her waist as the other hand tightened around it. She felt him begin to stroke her cheek gently. She found herself leaning into his hand, wanting to tell him, tell this voice, everything. But she couldn't do that, he could be anyone, he could tell anyone.

She began to pull away, but he moved, cupping her cheeks in both of his gloved hands. "My dear, sweet Hermione, you need not fear me. I would never abuse your trust in me, not like others have."

"Others?" Hermione asked. He had removed one of his hands and Hermione found herself arching up trying to meet it. When he touched her, she felt a comfort that she hadn't felt for a long time, that she hadn't felt since she forced Harry to leave Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's bedroom. She longed to feel like that again. She wanted to feel protected and loved, and he made her feel like that. He made her feel like she hadn't in so long.

A deep chuckle met her as a response. It was warm and familiar, though she could not place where she had heard it before. "You know of what I speak. Too much has been asked of you already, far too much. I would not ask that of you."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked confused.

"You will see, Hermione, you will see. I can offer you more then you could ever imagine. You just have to trust me first."

Hermione jerked awake, quickly taking in the room around her. It was dark but the fire was still burning and she could see Harry asleep in an armchair across from her. There was a blanket thrown over her and she supposed she had him to thank for that. She wished that he hadn't let her sleep though, that he had woken her up and told her to go up to her dormitory.

She felt confused and even worse than before. In her dream she had felt content and almost happy, as though she could tell him anything and everything and somehow everything would be alright. And then it was gone, all the contentment, all the protection and comfort that she felt just disappeared and everything hurt so much more. Somehow, this dream seemed so much worse than all the others. Instead of pain, instead of betrayal and horror, she was faced with what she craved for, what she so desperately wanted, only to realize that none of it was real, that she couldn't have it. Yes, that hurt so much worse.

A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews you guys have sent me, I'm really glad that you guys have enjoy the story so much! As always I apologize for the grammar and spelling errors.

Originally this chapter was supposed to be longer, but it got to be fifty pages so I split into two chapters, and since it's been so long for an update I'm posting them both at the same time.