Chapter Thirteen:
Breaking Point
And this is how it looks
When I am standing on the edge
This is how I break apart
When I finally hit the ground
This is how it hurts
When I pretend I don't feel any pain
This is how I disappear
When I throw myself away
Breathe Into Me by Red
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"Will you slow down Hermione?" Harry asked, hurrying to keep up with his friend. When she had asked them to come down with her to the dungeons, he hadn't expected it to mean that they would be practically running to get there. With all the time Hermione spent in the library, her nose buried in a book, he didn't think that she should be as athletic as she was.
"Yeah Hermione, you almost seem like you're in a hurry to go spend hours with Snape, like it's exciting or something." Ron said with a snort.
"He really isn't as bad as you think he is." Hermione told them, slowing down. She seemed uneasy as Harry caught up to her. She kept looking over her shoulder, as if she was expecting someone else to appear behind them and she never looked at him or Ron directly.
"Not this again!" Ron groaned, "Look, Hermione, I know Snape's a teacher and that automatically makes him great in your books but—"
"It's not just that he's a teacher and I think you should respect him for that, though that is true, I just…He's been rather nice to me this year." Hermione said quietly.
"Snape? Nice?" Harry scoffed.
"Well not in an ordinary way," Hermione said shaking her head, "I mean he is still Severus, he's just—"
"SEVERUS!" Ron's voice echoed off the walls, "Did you just call him by his first name?!"
Hermione looked anxiously around them, as if she was trying to see if someone had heard them, before quickly clamping her hand over Ron's mouth, stopping him from saying anything more. "Calm down, Ron." She told him quietly. "It was just…it was just an accident."
"An accident?" Harry repeated, "An accident is calling Professor Sprout Professor Sinistra, not calling Snape of all people by his first name."
"I call Professor Lupin by his first name all the time and you don't seem to have a problem with it." Hermione said looking down at the floor.
"That's because there's a massive difference between the two of them, Hermione." Harry said.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Lupin would hate the comparison." Ron told her. "I mean its Snape, Hermione. Snape."
He said his name liked it explained everything. Like hearing it would suddenly make her change her mind about him, like it would snap her out of whatever spell she was under. But it didn't. Hermione knew all too well who Professor Snape was, and saying his name, reconfirming just who he was didn't change anything.
"I know, I just…He…" Hermione stumbled over her words, as if she was unsure of what to tell them.
"Hermione we just want an explanation. I mean, I know you've never exactly felt like me and Ron about him but you never liked him either." Harry told her, "Is this about…the lessons? Has something happened that you haven't told us? Did he do something?"
"No, I…I have to get to the Potion's lab," Hermione said. She suddenly sounded tired to Harry, like she didn't want to have to talk about Professor Snape, like she didn't want to be there at all.
"We'll talk about it later, I promise we will, I just need…I just need to go." She sent Harry a pleading look, her eyes begging for him to let this go for right now. For him to please just do what she asked.
Harry nodded his head, ignoring Ron's protests. He couldn't tell her no when she was looking at him like that, no matter how much he wanted to tell her no, that he wanted to talk about it right then, that he never wanted her to call him by his first name again. He wanted to shout at her, tell her all of the reason that she shouldn't trust Snape, but he couldn't. Not when she looked at him like that, not when she looked so tired, sounded so small.
"Thank you." Hermione said, sending them both a small smile before turning around and walking the rest of the way down the hall to Professor Snape's classroom. She turned and flashed them another shaky smile before she went inside, closing the door behind her.
He didn't know why, but suddenly Harry found himself rather jealous of Professor Snape.
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Hermione quickly shut the door behind her, letting the smile fall from her face. She wished she hadn't had to do that. Things were hard enough as it was, without adding anything more to strain her relationship with her friends. She had said his name and they looked so horrified and betrayed. They had never liked Professor Snape, they had never really had a reason too, and now suddenly Hermione was telling them how wonderful he was, using his first name; she could only imagine what they were thinking. And the worst part of it was that it was all lies. Everything thing she had told them, everything she had been saying about him all year, it was all lies, empty words that left a bitter taste in her mouth, and they believed them, she had believed them just days ago. That hurt too. Hurt more than she would have thought.
"Miss Granger." Professor Snape's voice pulled her out of her thoughts and Hermione looked up to see him standing in front of her. "I trust everything went as planned."
"I said everything that I was supposed to." Hermione told him, "And I saw Malfoy, he was definitely following us. He heard everything."
"Good." He said. "Did Potter and Weasley have questions?"
"A lot of them actually," Hermione said, "I told them that we'd talk about it later."
"And I'm sure you remember what the Headmaster would like you to tell them."
"Don't worry, Professor," Hermione said, her voice taking a bitter tone. "I've had more than adequate practice lying to my friends."
"Then let's begin our lesson for this week." Professor Snape said, sweeping away and taking his normal place in the classroom.
Hermione followed him slowly, moving to stand across from him like she always did. It seemed different this time though, she was standing in the exact spot she had every other time she had been to Occlumency lessons, but it felt unfamiliar and cold. It was like she was back at her first lesson, scared and confused and not sure what to expect of Professor Snape. And she just wanted to leave, she just wanted to go back to Gryffindor tower, to go back to Harry and Ron and shout at them that she was sorry, that she was so sorry for everything. She wanted to go to her dorm and go to sleep, for a few hours be able to leave everything behind. She wanted to be somewhere where she could forget about her problems, where everything was fine for just a few minutes. And that place was not in the dungeons, it was not with Professor Snape; it was far away from them both.
"Legilimens!"
The room swam before her, until Hermione was back in the Headmaster's office, sitting in front of him. He was asking her how she was doing, and she knew from the look in his eyes what he wanted her to say…. Harry was telling her that she was wrong, that he thought that Crookshanks had eaten Scabbers, that there was proof that he had. He had taken Ron's side again, he always took Ron's side and Ron always took his. She wanted someone to take her side for a change. "Okay, side with Ron, I knew you would." She shouted at him, "First the Firebolt, now Scabbers, everything's my fault, isn't it! Just leave me alone, Harry, I've got a lot of work to do."….Professor Snape draped his cloak over her shoulders and she smiled hesitantly up at him. "Thank you, professor." She told him. "Next time you should wear more clothing."….Ginny walked right past her, knocking into her shoulder, but acknowledging her in no other way. She hadn't even asked her about it, she hadn't given her a chance to explain what had happened with George…. Harry was grabbing at her, shaking her, his nails digging into her skin. "When you tell me that I'm your best friend, does that mean anything to you at all?" She glanced behind him and saw Professor Dumbledore smiling, acting as though nothing was happening at all….Malfoy pulled her to his chest and Hermione gasped loudly. "Malfoy, what are you doing?" She said struggling to escape his grasp. "Just what I was wondering, Miss Granger." Professor Snape's voice came. She looked behind Malfoy and saw him standing there, in all his intimidating glory, and she had never been happier to see him.
Professor Snape's presence disappeared from her mind and Hermione collapsed to the floor, her knees hitting the ground painfully. She clutched her head, making no move to get up or try again.
"That was pathetic, Miss Granger. You barely tried at all."
"I was trying." Hermione said. It sounded unconvincing even to her own ears, but it was the truth. She had been trying, she knew how important this was, she just couldn't do it. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't do it.
"You barely fought me at all; I had access to everything you did not want me to see." Professor Snape told her."We have been doing this for months and you choose now, when these lessons are more important than ever, to start to fail!"
Hermione didn't say anything; she just stared at the floor. She didn't want to have to deal with this. She wasn't equipped to deal with it. He didn't care about her, about what happened to her.
"Miss Granger, I am speaking with you, stand up!" He said forcefully grabbing her arm and pulling her to her feet, making Hermione cry out in pain. He had grabbed her where dream Harry had grabbed her, where she still had bruises from his rough grip.
Professor Snape quickly dropped her arm, looking over her carefully. "You're hurt." He said.
"I'm fine." Hermione said, holding her arm to her chest. "You just startled me, is all."
"Miss Granger I saw—If Potter has hurt you, you must tell me." Professor Snape said.
"Harry? Harry hasn't done anything." Hermione told him, shaking her head.
"I saw—"
"You saw a dream. A nightmare. That was all." Hermione told him, "It wasn't real and I'm fine."
"Fine?" He repeated, looking down at her arm still cradled to her chest. Hermione followed his gaze and quickly dropped her arm.
"Let me see your arm." Professor Snape said.
"What?"
"Let me see your arm." He told her, "If it was just a dream and you are fine, then you should have no problem showing it to me."
Hermione stared up at him defiantly. She wanted to tell him no. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't any of his business. That she didn't have to do things just because he told her too. But she didn't, because she was Hermione Granger, and Hermione Granger didn't talk back to teachers, didn't question them. Especially ones like Professor Snape, who she had taken to defending, who she was supposed to trust.
Instead she wrenched up her sleeve, extending her arm to show him unblemished skin, her bruises covered by her glamour charm. "See professor, nothing's there." Hermione said, "It was just a dream, and dreams can't hurt you."
The lie was familiar, she had said it to herself so many times, and when she looked up at him she could tell that he believed her and she hated him a little bit more because of it.
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The Slytherin table was already whispering when Hermione walked into the Great Hall for breakfast, but when they saw her the change was evident. Eyes flashed between her and the Head table, as they continued whispering loudly. She couldn't make out what they were saying and she hoped no one else could either. She wanted to think that they weren't talking about her, that this was just some strange coincidence, but she knew it wasn't by the way Draco Malfoy was looking at her. He looked angry and oddly pleased with himself at the same time. She could only imagine what he had told them, what type of stories he had come up with. Suddenly the idea of eating didn't seem very appealing to her.
Dumbledore had requested that she do this, and she had done it because he said it was important, because it could help her figure out what they wanted her for, why they wanted her. And she wanted to know that, she wanted desperately to know that. But she hadn't thought that Malfoy would tell anyone about what he had overheard. She didn't think that anyone else would find out about it.
"I wonder what all the commotions about at the Slytherins table." Ginny said, appearing next to Hermione as she sat down.
"I—I don't know." Hermione said quietly.
"They keep looking up at the Head Table." Neville said, "I think it's because Professor Snape's not there."
"That's strange." Ginny said, "He's always here for breakfast."
Hermione nodded her head in agreement and reached for a piece of toast. She wasn't sure she was going to be able to eat much more than that. It was only a matter of time before they knew what the Slytherins were talking about, until the entire school was talking about how Professor Snape had found himself a new favorite student in the most unlikely candidate. She wasn't prepared for that. She wasn't sure that she could handle it.
Before when everyone had been whispering, it had been mostly about Professor Snape and what had happened to make him change his behavior, this time it was going to be so much more about her and what she had done to make him change his behavior. And she was sure that was the way that Malfoy had explained it to them. She had done something. It was her fault.
It wasn't just the Slytherins watching her either; Harry and Ron kept looking at her as though they expected her to explain everything to them right there in the Great Hall, where anywhere could overhear them. No, she could wait for that conversation.
"You know, I'm not really that hungry." Hermione said, "I think that I'm going to go to the library and get some studying done."
"Hermione, you have to eat something." Ginny told her, reminding Hermione remarkably of Mrs. Weasley when she told her she was too thin.
"I'll have a muffin on my way." She said quickly grabbing one off the table, "And I'll see you all later."
She was gone before Harry or Ron had a chance to protest or to try to come with her.
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Hermione sat at her table, staring blankly at the book in front of her. She hadn't opened it since she had sat down, she had just stared at it, hoping that somehow it would hold the answers to all of her questions, hoping that somehow it would make her feel better. Books had always been her escape, the one place she could lose herself and find the answers she was looking for. But now, they didn't have the answers, they couldn't help her, and suddenly they didn't look so wonderful. Suddenly they seemed empty, like nothing more than words arranged on a page. And she hated that feeling.
"Hermione?"
Her head jerked up at the sound of her name and she saw Harry and Ron standing in front of her.
"You know it's usually helpful if you open the book." Ron told her, "Unless I've been doing it wrong all these years."
"Yeah, I just zoned out I guess." Hermione said, taking the book off her lap and putting it on her table. "Uhh…What are you guys doing here? I thought you had something against doing schoolwork on Saturdays."
"We're actually here because we wanted to talk to you," Harry told her, looking at her pointedly.
"You know, about last night." Ron said. His voice held an angry tone and he looked tense, like he wanted to ask her questions that he wasn't entirely sure he wanted the answers for.
"Oh…that makes sense." Hermione said.
"You seemed surprised." Harry told her.
"I…I kind of forgot about it." Hermione said shaking her head, "Like I said, I completely spaced out."
"Are you okay, Hermione?" Harry asked her.
"Yeah, I'm fine I…We shouldn't talk about it here," Hermione said standing up, "Too many people might overhear. Let's go back to the Muggle Fiction section; hardly anyone ever goes back there."
Hermione gave them a quick smile before turning and heading towards the opposite end of the library. She heard Ron mutter that he didn't know that the library had a muggle fiction section, as they followed behind her. She weaved in and out of a couple bookshelves, making sure that no one was in the back of the library wanting to be left alone themselves, before she stopped.
"Here's as good a place as any." Hermione said, turning around to finally look at them. She had taken a few more twists and turns then necessary, to prolong the walk.
"It is." Harry said. He didn't look angry like Ron did, just confused and concerned, and she was glad. She couldn't have dealt with it if they were both angry with her.
"You told us that you'd explain what happened last night." Ron said.
"I know I did." Hermione said quietly. She had promised them an explanation and she had promised Dumbledore that she wouldn't tell them the real one.
"Well, we're waiting." Ron said.
"I just…I…You have to promise not to tell anyone." She told them. "You can't tell Ginny, or Remus and especially Dumbledore. No one's supposed to know."
"No one's supposed to know what?" Harry asked, taking a step closer to her.
"When Dumbledore asked me to come to his office Monday, he asked me to do it." Hermione said quietly. "Ma-Malfoy was following us, following me, and Dumbledore knew that he'd be there to overhear our conversation. He wanted him to overhear it."
"Why would he do that?" Harry asked.
"He didn't say." Hermione said looking down at her feet. "He just said…He said that it was important that I do it."
She didn't want to tell them everything. She didn't want to have to tell them that they were right, that Professor Snape had been playing her all year and that she had believed him. She didn't think that they would be able to understand why she was upset. The concept of actually trusting Professor Snape was completely foreign to them both and she didn't want to have to try to explain it. But she couldn't lie to them again. She couldn't have another big lie on her conscience. Not about this, not when she hated the situation more than they ever would. She needed them to be on her side about this. She needed them to know one of her secrets because she couldn't tell them all of them.
"But that's it then? You're not some secret Snape fan, you were just doing what Dumbledore asked you?" Ron asked.
"I…I wasn't lying when I said that he was nicer to me this year than he's been before but…he's still Professor Snape." Hermione said, "He doesn't like me and…after having him in my head, after everything that's happened, I can honestly say that I don't like him very much either."
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Ron left the library rather quickly after she convinced him that there wasn't anything else that he needed to know. He had claimed that it felt unnatural to be in the library on a weekend and went to find Seamus to go flying. Harry stuck it out with her longer, asking Hermione to help him with his potions essay and convincing her to let him borrow her transfiguration notes to help him study for the test on Monday. It felt normal and familiar to Hermione, like they were just two students trying to make it through Hogwarts with nothing else to worry about. It made her feel more like herself than she had for a long time. Harry somehow made the library seem less cold, made everything make a little more sense, and for a little while she felt the solace she had been searching for.
"Thanks for looking over my essay, Hermione." Harry said picking his bag up off the floor. "I still have no clue what Golpalott was talking about, but at least I have the facts memorized."
"I'd try to explain to you again, but I think it would just make both of our heads hurt." Hermione said, lifting her own books into her arms. She had forgotten to bring her own bag and was starting to regret it.
"You explained it pretty well earlier," Harry told her taking a couple books off her stack and heading out of the library, Hermione following closely behind him. "I mean I understood everything that you said, I just don't understand what you were talking about."
"That makes absolutely no sense, Harry." Hermione said with a laugh. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to be normal. She missed this, she missed it more than she realized. She wished that it could always be like this, just her and Harry talking and laughing. No secrets, no lies, no Voldemort or Death Eaters hovering off in the distance.
They turned the corner to go down the next corridor and Hermione found herself colliding with Pansy Parkinson, her books and papers were knocked out of her hands and onto the floor. Hermione couldn't suppress a sigh at the sight of her things sprawled at the feet of the group of Slytherins. This just wasn't what she wanted to deal with right now, not when she had been feeling happy.
Rolling her eyes at the group and the superior look they were all giving her, Hermione bent down to collect her things. It really wasn't that much, just a few books and her notes and essay…
"Give me that, Pansy." Hermione said as she watched the girl pick her potions essay up off the ground as though it were her own.
"I don't know Granger, I think maybe I'll keep it, use it to up my potion's grade a little." Pansy said smiling down at her. It was a hideous smile, full of malice and dislike Hermione didn't think she deserved from a girl she barely knew. "I mean, it's not like all of us can depend on your methods of getting good grades."
"You mean actually working for your grades," Harry said offering Hermione his hand to pull her up, "Not just depending on Snape's favoritism."
The group of Slytherin broke into laugher, looking between them both as they stood there. Hermione felt like she was missing something. She was well aware that they knew what she had said the night before, that Professor Snape was supposed to have changed his opinion about her, but this seemed different somehow.
"I think Snape favors Granger here a bit more than the rest of us." Blaise said looking Hermione up and down. "Teacher's pet takes on a whole new meaning with her."
"What are talking about?" Hermione asked.
"As if you don't know." Blaise said.
"If this is about the fact that Snape doesn't hate Hermione quite as much as he does the rest of us, that's old news." Harry said taking a step in front of Hermione. He didn't like the way they were looking at her. "My guess is that he realized what failures he had in his own house and decided to start looking elsewhere for a good student. Hermione here, unlike all of you, actually knows how to crack a book."
"Come on, Hermione, let's go." He grabbed the potions essay out of Pansy's hand and steered Hermione around the Slytherins. They had barely made it two feet before they were stopped by Pansy's voice.
"How'd you do it?" She called.
"How did I do what?" Hermione asked turning back around. She knew that she should just keep going; that she should ignore her, ignore all of the Slytherins. But she couldn't. She wanted to know what they knew, what they thought they knew. She wanted to know what she was going to have to deal with.
"How'd you convince him that you were worthy of being touched?"
"What?"
"What did you do to get him to touch you? What did it take to convince him that it was worth it to sully himself with you of all people? What did you have to do to make him forget that you're a filthy little Mudblood?" Pansy asked. She had that smile again. The one filled with hated and spite.
"What…Are you talking about Professor Snape?" Hermione asked, the confusion evident in her voice. She didn't understand, the way they were talking….
"Of course I'm talking about Professor Snape." Pansy told her with a laugh, "Who else would I be talking about? Unless you're sleeping with Professor Flitwick and McGonagall too."
It was like everything stopped. She knew that Harry had stepped in front of her, that he was yelling something at the group of Slytherins and they were yelling back but she couldn't hear it. She couldn't comprehend what they were saying. She could just hear two words. Sleeping with. They repeated themselves over and over until they became one word, one horribly confusing offensive word.
"Bugger off!" Hermione saw Ron suddenly standing in front of her, Ginny and Neville on either side of him. She hadn't noticed them arriving. They had their wands out and trained on the group of Slytherins, who apparently didn't like the odds now that their numbers had been evened out and turned and left.
"Did they say anything?" Ron asked, turning back to her and Harry. "I mean about…"
"How could they…I wouldn't….It's not true." She said looking up at her friends frantically, "I wouldn't…I haven't…How can they think that?"
"We should talk about this somewhere else." Ginny said looking around the hallway. There were people down the hallway, coming towards the library and they probably wouldn't be the only ones. "I don't think this is a conversation anyone wants to have in front of other people."
"The Room of Requirement?" Neville suggested.
Harry nodded his head distractedly; putting a hand on Hermione's back and gently pushing her forward. She didn't say anything as they walked down the halls, but she had this helpless look on her face, as though she couldn't believe what was happening, as though after everything else this was too much for her to handle, that it had broken something inside her.
Ginny paced in front of the room, three times and the door appeared. When they went inside they found comfortable armchairs and couches and hot cocoa waiting for them. The room made Harry feel a little better somehow, the furniture reminding him of the Burrow.
"They think…How can they think that?" Hermione asked. She was curled up in one of the overstuffed armchairs and she looked too thin and too small sitting there. It hurt Harry to look at her. She looked defeated and broken and Harry didn't know anything he could do that would help her. This wasn't supposed to happen, not to her. She had just done what Dumbledore had told her to do. She always did as she was told, she always followed the rules, and this was where it got her.
"Bloody Malfoy twisted around what he heard." Ron said angrily. He was pacing around the room, rage radiating off of him. "This is all his fault."
"But people actually believe him?" Hermione asked, "I mean I know before, there were the rumors with George and they weren't true but…we were dating and I…This time there's nothing to…"
"Malfoy said that he followed you last night and that you and Snape…That you weren't doing your teacher's aide duties." Neville said blushing furiously.
"He said that you've always had all the other teachers wrapped around your fingers, the highest marks in every class except potions." Ginny told her quietly, "He's saying that since you couldn't charm Snape with your perfect schoolgirl act, you found a different way to get top grades."
Hermione felt like crying and she didn't care if they saw her, didn't care what Dumbledore would say, didn't care what they would think. This was too much. It was all too much. Things were supposed to be getting better, but instead things just kept getting terribly worse. She didn't know how to handle this, what to do to stop it, to cope with it. The rumors about her and George had upset her, had made her feel like hardly anyone in the school really knew her if they thought that, but Professor Snape…Did people really think that little of her? Did they really think that she would let herself be used like that just to get a better grade?
"I don't think most people believe it," Neville told her, "It's just…It's so shocking that people can't stop talking about it."
"Anyone who knows you has to know it isn't true," Harry told her, "I mean I'm sure the Gryffindors are on your side." He looked over at the others to get there conformation, but Neville wouldn't meet his eyes and Ron and Ginny both had the same regretful expression on their face.
"They aren't on my side, are they?" Hermione asked quietly.
"Some of them are. We are." Ron told her.
"It's just…Hermione he gave you house points last week, no one ever remembers him doing that before, not to a Gryffindor." Ginny said, "And last term when Malfoy grabbed you, he was the one that pulled him way. He even took points from his own house. It's…Its making some of them question, if maybe there's some truth to the rumors."
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Ginny and Neville didn't stay very long, they left soon after saying that they were going to go see what they could do, but Harry had a feeling that they weren't leaving because of that, or at least not only that. They were leaving because of Hermione. She had finally stopped crying, stopped trying to make sense of everything; now she was just sitting there, curled up on her chair, staring at the wall. She had an empty expression on her face, as though she wasn't sitting there at all, that she was somewhere else entirely. Harry couldn't help but wonder where she was. Was she replaying her conversation with Pansy over and over again, trying to understand it? Was she thinking about the night before, and what she could have possibly said to start this rumor? Was she thinking about the night that Dumbledore had asked her do this? Because that's what he was doing. He was trying to figure out just where everything went wrong. He was pretty sure though, that everything had begun to go wrong long before the previous day.
When Ginny had left, she warned them not to stay hidden all day that it would only make things worse if no one saw her for the rest of the day; that it would make them think that she had something to hide, to be upset about. Hermione had told her that she really didn't think that it mattered what she did, not anymore. She hadn't said anything since then. She just sat and stared.
Harry had tried to be encouraging, tried to be supportive, tried to get her to talk about something else, anything else, but nothing he tried seemed to work and Harry didn't know what else to do. So he sat on the couch next to her, Ron on her other side, not saying anything, because that was what she wanted. And he hoped that he was doing the right thing in letting her have it.
"Umm…Harry?" Ron's voice came. It seemed rather loud after the hours spent in silence.
"Yeah, Ron?" Harry asked.
"It's almost curfew." He said pointing to the clock. Harry hadn't even noticed that there was a clock in the room, and he certainly hadn't noticed so much time passing. They had missed dinner.
"Oh, yeah right." Harry said standing up, "Hermione…Hermione we should go back."
"I don't want to." Hermione said quietly.
"I know…I don't particularly want to see anyone either, Hermione." Harry told her. He stole a glance at Ron and saw his own frustration with the situation reflected in his eyes. He was going to throttle Malfoy when he got the chance. "But we have to, it's almost curfew and…and I think that Ginny was right. If no one sees you, it's just going to make things worse."
"I don't think it'll change anything." Hermione told him.
"Hermione…I know this seems bad right now, I know it is bad right now, but tomorrow we'll deal with it. We'll tell them the truth and we'll find a way to fix it." Harry told her.
"The truth? You mean we'll tell them that Professor Snape is giving me secret Occlumency lessons and that's what we're really doing when I go there? That I deliberately called him by his first name because I knew Malfoy was following us? That I did it because Dumbledore asked me to? Yes, I'm sure they'll believe that." She said with a harsh laugh that hurt Harry's ears. She wasn't supposed to laugh like that. Not Hermione. She was supposed to be happy and her laughter was meant to reflect that. This laughter…it was bitter and resentful, nothing like it was supposed to be.
"W-we…We'll fix it, Hermione." He told her, "I don't know how yet, but we will. I mean I'm sure you have more people on your side then we realize, I mean we already know about Ginny and Neville, and I'm sure that Dean and the rest of the DA—"
"You seem to be under the false impression that just because people know me, that they like me, Harry, but that isn't true." Hermione said, her hurt eyes meeting his own. "To most of the school I'm just the know-it-all who likes to show off in classes. People came to my birthday party because they're your friends, because they were George's or Ginny's, they didn't come because of me. People come to me for homework help, not for friendship. When Professor Snape gave me house points everyone looked at me as if I didn't deserve them, now…now they're going to be looking at me so much worse."
"Hermione…"
"Don't pretend you haven't noticed, Harry. The snickering in class when I raise my hand and someone mimics it behind me, the groaning when I get another question right, the comments when I was dating George about how they hoped that he'd change me, make me fun, about how they couldn't understand how he could be dating such a prude. Of course all the changed when they decided I was sleeping with him, then I was the Gryffindor whore, who'd slept with the two of you, with Viktor and half the Weasley brothers." Her voice had taken on a hysterical tone, and she was fighting back tears. "Were they my friends then Harry? Were they my friends when half of them were accusing me of sleeping with anyone who was willing and the other half was saying that I used a love potion on George, because it was the only possible way he could be interested in me."
"Hermione, I didn't know…I never heard anything like that." Harry said sending a helpless look a Ron. He looked just as shocked as he did. Harry was well aware that not everyone liked Hermione in first year, but he had thought that they had gotten over it, that they had gotten used to her. He hadn't known that…No one had ever said anything like that in front of him. He would have hexed them if they had.
"You may not have heard, Harry, but I have, every year since I got here. This time isn't going to be any different; they're not going to be on my side on this. Every O I get, every potion I make better than someone else, they're going to have this to fall back on. They're going to say that I didn't earn my grades, that I'm not the top student because I deserve it but because Snape gave it to me…And no matter what I say, what you say, or what anyone else says, it's always going to be there in the back of their minds. Malfoy will make sure of that."
Hermione stood up, wiping away the stray tears that she hadn't managed to hold back. "But let's go back to the common-room, Harry. I'm sure everyone's waiting to tell me how much they don't believe the rumors."
---------------------------------
Hermione stumbled into her dorm room, sinking down on her bed as she finally let herself cry.
She had been strong in the common room; she had held her head high and done her best to ignore the whispers and the looks. She hadn't reacted to what anyone had said, she had just walked through the room and up the stairs. And it had almost killed her.
She had wanted to be wrong. She had so desperately wanted to be wrong. She had wanted to walk into the common room and have no one stare at her, to see people talking about how ridiculous the rumors were. She wanted people to be on her side, like Harry had said they might be, but they weren't. Her mom had once told her that it was the curse of being a logical person, of being intelligent; you couldn't lie to yourself. You could tell yourself that you were wrong, you could hope and pray that you were, but in the end, you still didn't believe it. She had expected it, known it was going to happen the moment she entered the room, but that didn't make it hurt less, didn't make it better.
"Hermione?"
She looked up and saw Ginny standing in the doorway, looking at her sadly. "Hi, Ginny." She said.
"I'm really sorry about downstairs, Hermione. Everyone's…Well everyone's just wrong. I'm sure that—"
"Ginny, I know your trying to be supportive but I already got the speech about how everything will be fine from Harry, I don't need to hear it again." Hermione said. She didn't bother to try to hide the fact that she was crying, didn't try to pretend that she was okay with everything that was happening. Hermione couldn't help but think that that was the one good thing about this mess; she didn't have to pretend that she was fine, that she was happy; she didn't have to hide anything. And that felt nice.
"Sorry." Ginny said, hesitantly sitting down on Parvarti's bed across from her. "That's probably not what I'd want to hear right now either. Lies can make you feel better if you don't know they're not true, but once you do….
"I know the common-room wasn't exactly welcoming, Hermione," Ginny told her, "But not everyone believes it. Dean's on your side, so is Luna, not that she's that big of a help in convincing people. Hannah Abbott's refusing to talk to her boyfriend because he made some comments about you."
"Justin?" Hermione asked quietly.
"Yeah."
"I used to help him with Arithmancy. I gave him a copy of my notes to help him with his OWL's. He told me they were the only reason he passed." Hermione said quietly.
"Surprisingly, Parvati's on your side too." Ginny said, trying to move on. "She got in an argument about it with Lavender at dinner, everyone heard. She said that it was a ridiculous rumor and anyone who believed it was an idiot. Which is true of course, I just never expected her to say it. She stormed out and she hasn't talked to Lavender since."
"And Lavender?"
"Hermione…" Ginny said, looking at Hermione helplessly.
"I don't particularly want to know what everyone's saying, but I need to know what to expect." She said, "Don't worry about hurting my feelings, nothing you can say it going to be any worse than what I have just spent the last few hours imagining."
"Parvati yelling at Lavender hasn't really done anything to deter her," Ginny said. "If anything it's only encouraged her. She's been talking to anyone and everyone willing to listen, putting her own spin on everything. And there have been a lot of people willing to listen."
"Lavender and I have never really gotten along," Hermione said forcing a small smile for her friend, "I'm really not all that surprised."
"Cho Chang's been talking to a lot of people too," Ginny told her, "She's been telling people that she's seen Professor Snape walk you back to the common-room after curfew when she's been doing her rounds."
She probably had too; Professor Snape had walked her back a lot, when Occlumency lessons had ran too long, when Professor Lupin couldn't do it but he was conveniently there to do it for him. Hermione was sure that Cho was all too happy to share that with the rest of the student population.
"Most of the younger students really aren't talking about it but they do know about it. Most of them are just terrified of Snape and are afraid of what he'd do to them if they got caught. That's actually because of Neville." Ginny said with a wry smile, "He made sure a lot of people overheard him say that he was scared about what would happen if Snape heard him talking about, even though he didn't believe it. The hall got really quiet after that."
"I guess I'll just have to stick close to Snape then," Hermione said with a forced laugh, "That way I won't be able to hear what people are saying. Of course it'll only make the rumors worse, but you know, then at least I won't have to hear what anyone's saying."
"Hermione, I know you said that you didn't want to hear…I just—I'm sorry, Hermione, I really am. You don't deserve this. Especially after everything that's happened. You shouldn't have to deal with this too." Ginny told her.
"Thanks, Gin. I…Does it make me a horrible person to think that I don't deserve this?" Hermione asked. "Because I can't think of anything that I could have done make all of this happen to me. But I had to have done something, because when you follow the rules, when you do as your told, when you're a good person, these things aren't supposed to happen. But they are. No matter what I do, they just keep happening."
Ginny didn't think that she was talking about the rumors anymore. That there was a lot more to it and the rumors, as bad as they were, were the least of Hermione's problems.
"And I keep trying to think positive, I keep promising myself that everything is going to get better, that everything that's happening will make me a better, stronger person. But every time I think I hit rock bottom, when I think I can't take anymore, the floor disappears and I'm left falling further down."
"Hermione…"
Tear-filled brown eyes met blue, and Ginny saw the toll that everything was taking on Hermione, saw the pain and anguish that she kept concealed and it hurt just to look at her. Ginny didn't know what to tell her, didn't know anything that she could say that would make the girl in front of her feel better. Ginny stood and in two quick strides she was sitting beside the older girl, taking her hand in her own, trying to offer her comfort her the only way she knew how.
Hermione broke down, the gentle, comforting touch too much for her to take. She began to sob harder, lowering her head down to Ginny's lap as she cried. "I'm a bad person…I'm being punished because I lied…I'm being punished..."
"Hermione, you're not a bad person, you're a very good person. And you're not being punished, I promise you're not." Ginny said stroking her hair.
"I am…I am a bad person…I have to be."
---------------------------------
Hermione hurried down the corridor towards the defense classroom; she was looking forward to the chance to get away from everyone, for something going on to not be tainted by what the other students were saying about her. Remus would be concerned, she knew he would, but he wouldn't make her talk about it, he wouldn't be whispering when she turned her back, he wouldn't be calling her names to her face. She could concentrate on dueling and sensing magic and hopefully everything else would fade into the background.
Hermione sighed in relief as she saw Remus's classroom door appear in front of her, and hurried inside. "I hope you don't mind that I'm ear—Charlie?"
Charlie looked up from the papers he was looking at and grinned at her.
"What are you doing here, Charlie?" She asked, grinning back at him. After everything that had happened, it was nice to see his happy, smiling face.
"Just stopped by to see, Remus. You know Order business." He said gesturing to the papers spread out on Remus desk.
"Right, of course," Hermione said nodding, "That makes sense."
"What about you, Hermione? What are you doing here?" Charlie asked. As she looked at him closer, she couldn't help but notice that something seemed off about him. His smile didn't reach his eyes, he didn't have the light tone in his voice he always did. She couldn't help but wonder what had had happened to change him; she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know, wasn't sure that she'd be able to take it.
"Oh you know me," Hermione said moving around Remus desk to sit her bag down. "I'm here to do whatever Remus tells me; grade essays, research, return library books. I think these teacher aide duties might just be a cover to get to use two students at the teachers' personal slaves."
"Your teacher's aide duties, right Ron told me about that." Charlie said eyeing her oddly. "Are you enjoying it?"
"Some days more than others." Hermione said with a smile, "Last week Professor McGonagall had me turning water goblets back into mice; mice that like to run away when you aren't paying attention. I wasn't very fond of that, but for the most part everything pretty good. All the teachers have been really nice, Remus especially."
"Even Professor Snape?"
Hermione looked away, unable to meet his eyes. She was sure that he hadn't heard, that he didn't know what was going on, but she didn't want to talk about Professor Snape, didn't want to hear his name connected with her own. She had been getting enough of that already.
"He's been fine," Hermione said forcing a smile at him, "I've scrubbed a few more cauldrons than I'd like, but you know its Professor Snape, I think I've gotten off rather lightly."
"Yeah, I'd say so." He moved suddenly, with sharp precise movements until he was standing right in front of her, staring down at her with questioning eyes. He was closer than Hermione would have liked, encroaching on her personal space, making her feel nervous and panicky. She felt like she wanted to run out the room, and she hated that she still felt like that, that she didn't trust anyone like she did before. She wasn't supposed to feel this way, not with someone like Charlie.
"Umm…Where's Remus?" Hermione asked looking up at him. She hoped he didn't notice the anxious edge in her voice. "He's usually here by now."
"He was. Dumbledore called him away." He took a step closer, forcing Hermione back farther, hitting the desk behind her. "Don't worry, I'll keep you company."
"Ar-are you sure he didn't say anything about me? If he's doing something with Dumbledore, maybe he needed to cancel." Hermione asked. The desk was digging into her back, and the desire to run away had grown larger. She took a deep breath and reminded herself of who it was standing in front of her. This was Charlie; sweet, goofy, can sleep through anything Charlie. She had spent a month sharing a room with him; she had known him since she was fourteen. There wasn't anything to be worried about.
"Nope, didn't say a thing." Charlie said, tucking her hair behind her ear. He let his hand linger, gently running his hand through her hair as he smiled down at her. It reminded her of Ginny and the way she had held her when she was crying, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words.
"I guess we'll just have to wait then," Hermione murmured, closing her eyes.
"Yeah, we'll wait. Together." He told her. "You know, Hermione, I…I always thought you were…such a little tease."
"What?" Hermione asked. Her head snapped up to look at him, searching his face for signs that she had heard him wrong. There were none.
"I always thought you were such a tease." He said smiling coldly at her. "Hugging everyone just a little too closely, walking around in your revealing muggle clothes, flaunting yourself around in that little swimsuit of yours, showing us all what we couldn't have.
"And now I find out that you're not a tease." Charlie said, his face coming closer. "You're the type of girl who will give it up to anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest, no matter who or what they are!" He stepped forward, angrily shoving Hermione so she was sprawled across the desk. Hermione yelped in surprise, trying to get up, but Charlie was right there, pressing her back farther, trapping her there.
Hermione looked up at him with wide eyes, unable to understand what was going on. She always felt protected when she was around Charlie, like he was the older brother she never had. But the way he was looking at her now wasn't like a brother.
"I…the rumor isn't true, Charlie! I don't know what you heard, but I wouldn't do that! You have to know that." Hermione told him frantically.
"I think you did," He snarled, "I think you let him touch you, I think you let him kiss you, just like you let Lucius Malfoy."
"No, no I didn't let them do anything." She was crying now, silently pleading for him to believe her, for him to realize that she was telling the truth, for him to be on her side. But his face was so close now, and she could see nothing but hate and disgust written across it. He didn't believe her.
"I think you begged him for it, just like you begged Lucius in the woods, just like you're begging for it right now." He said lifting his arm, and backhanding her across the face.
Hermione reeled at the contact, her head connecting with the desk below her. She gingerly raised her hand to her mouth and saw that it was bleeding. He had hit her hard enough to make her bleed. He had hit her.
"You are nothing but a filthy Mudblood whore," He spat at her, "And I'm going to show you exactly what your worth."
Suddenly he was closer than before, one hand trapping her hands above her, the other all over the place; pulling at her clothes, grabbing at her as he hovered above her. Hermione let out a whimper as she felt him tear her shirt open and she looked up at him in horror, the realization of what he was about to do finally sinking in. His blue eyes looked back at her coldly.
"Don't worry." He whispered lowering his head, so his lips were barely touching hers. "It'll only hurt for a moment."
Hermione's eyes shot open and she tried to take in the room around her. She was no longer in Remus's classroom, she was in the girl's dormitory; she had never been anywhere else, she had never been there. She had never seen Charlie, he had never…
"Oh god."
Hermione fought back tears, as she looked around trying to distract herself from the memory of what had just happened. Of what she had just dreamed had happened. Looking down, she saw red hair poking out from beneath the covers and scrambled out of bed. It was just a dream, he wasn't there. He couldn't be there.
Hermione collided with someone behind her and she let out a shriek of terror, whipping around just in time to see Parvati get thrown back onto her bed by an invisible force.
"Hermione, calm down it's just me." Parvati said looking up at her with wide eyes.
"I-I'm sorry, I…I'm sorry." Hermione said backing away from her. She bumped into her nightstand and let out a whimper, pushing away the memory of Charlie backing her into Remus's desk.
"Its okay I…You were having another nightmare and were just scared, I—I understand." Parvati told her quietly, standing up. She had her hands up, as though to show Hermione there wasn't any reason to be scared of her.
"Yeah, a nightmare." Hermione said looking back at her bed, Ginny was still there, sleeping peacefully and Hermione couldn't help but feel envious. She had thought, with Ginny there maybe it would help keep the nightmares at bay, or at least make it better somehow. But it hadn't made any difference. Nothing did.
"Hermione, what happened? Your tank-top's torn." Parvati said reaching out to touch the broken strap. Hermione flinched away from the girl's hand, backing farther away. She glanced down and saw that the strap had been broken, as though someone had torn it. She quickly closed her eyes as she realized that someone had.
"Hermione?"
"I-It's an old shirt; it's been ready to break for a while." Hermione told her quietly. "It must have finally happened sometime last night."
"There's a bruise, Hermione." Parvati said concern evident in her voice. Looking down Hermione could see a red mark running down her collar bone, she was sure that there were more bruises on her arms and face as well, her glamour charms keeping them hidden.
"I'm fine." Hermione said, shutting her eyes and trying to push away the image of Charlie hovering over her, of his cold hard eyes staring back at her as though she was something horrible.
"Hermione—"
"I said that I'm fine, Parvati. There's nothing for you to worry about." She told her.
"Hermione is it…This is because of the rumors, isn't it?" Parvati asked. "Hermione, you need to report this to Professor McGonagall."
"Parvati…It's nothing, really. Somebody tripped me yesterday and I ran into the wall pretty hard, that's all." Hermione lied. Parvati was just being a good person, trying to make sure that she was okay, but Hermione just wanted her to leave, wanted to be alone. She didn't know how long she was going to be able to hold herself together and she really didn't want Parvati around when she broke.
"You really should report this to Professor McGonagall, Hermione." Parvati told her.
"It's really fine; I doubt there's really anything Professor McGonagall could do." Hermione said. "I should—I should go shower. If Ginny wakes up tell her…tell her thanks and not to wait for me." She grabbed her robe off the end of her bed and hurried into the bathroom before Parvati could stop her.
-----------------------------
Harry sat across from Ginny, listening as she rambled on about what had happened in Charms class Friday, trying to distract Hermione from all the people staring and whispering around her. Harry didn't think it was working, but he didn't try to stop her. Maybe if they could pretend that everything was fine long enough, eventually they'd start to believe it as well.
He glanced beside him at Hermione, to see her nodding in agreement with something Ginny had said, but Harry could tell that she wasn't really paying attention, that she was thinking about something else. She hadn't been herself all morning and Harry wasn't sure what to do. He had hoped that since the shock had worn off, Hermione would start to get better, that she would revert back to her stubborn, pushy, normal self. The one that didn't seem to care what anyone thought of her, but she just seemed worse off than before. Like more time had only made the situation worse.
Since the attack at Christmas, Harry had noticed Hermione's ill ease around others. It was hard not to notice it. But now it was more prominent than ever. On their way down to breakfast Ginny had linked her own arm through Hermione's as she had done hundreds of times before, and Hermione had cringed at the contact, pulling as far away as she could without it being obvious. Harry had tried to brush it off as nothing, but he could tell that it wasn't. She had started flinching at unexpected movement again, her eyes darting back and forth as though she was searching for an escape, and she sat closer to him on the bench, her arm often brushing his own as if to reassure herself that he was still there. He knew that the Great Hall had to be overwhelming for her, but this wasn't like the Hermione he knew. She should be holding her head up high, she should be telling them all off, she should be angry, annoyed, pissed, not this. This wasn't like Hermione.
"I think I'm going to head back to the common room." Hermione said pushing her practically full plate away.
"Hermione, you barely ate anything." Ginny told her.
"I know, I'm just not very hungry right now." She said glancing around the room.
"Do you want someone to walk back with you?" Ron asked.
"No, I'll be fine." Hermione said.
"Hermione maybe someone should—" Harry began.
"I'll be fine," Hermione said interrupting him, "I can walk by myself…I'd rather walk by myself if you don't mind."
"We understand." Harry told her, watching her stand up from the table. The entire Great Hall seemed to get quieter as she walked towards the door and Harry wished that she had let him go with her. Everything was so hard right now; he wished that she would let him help her deal with it.
"Are you sure it's a good idea that we let her go by herself?" Ginny asked. "I mean, what if she runs into the Slytherins?"
"Hermione can take care of herself." Ron said, though he sounded rather unsure of it himself.
"I know that, I just…You guys know how hard this is on her right now and I…I'm going to tell you something that I probably shouldn't tell you." Ginny said, leaning in closer to them. "And neither of you had better tell Hermione that I told you, because I'll hex you both so badly you won't be able to leave the hospital wing for a week."
"We won't repeat it." Harry told her.
"Hermione…She thinks that this is her fault somehow." Ginny said, her voice softening. "That she did something to make this all happen."
"That's stupid." Ron said, "This is Malfoy's fault, not hers."
"I know, I told her that, but she….She thinks this is some sort of punishment. That she did something horrible and that she deserves this." Ginny told them, "I…I don't think she was just talking about this, I think something else is going on too."
"I know, we think something else is going on too." Harry said quietly.
"Do you know what it is?" Ginny asked. "I tried to get her to talk about it last night, but she was just so upset and when she had finally calmed down all she would say is that she wanted to go to sleep, that she wanted to wake up and it all be over. I didn't have the heart to push her. Not with everything else."
"We don't know what it is." Harry said, "We just know that something's going on."
--------------------------
After Harry and Ron had hurriedly finished their breakfasts, they left the Great Hall as quickly as they could, agreeing to spilt up to find Hermione. Ron would go to the Room of Requirement and Harry would go back to Gryffindor Tower to get the Marauder's Map in case she wasn't there. They knew that Hermione had left to be alone, but they didn't think she should be alone right now.
Heading in the opposite direction as Ron, Harry hurried down the hall towards the staircase he needed to get to Gryffindor Tower. He shoved past some loitering Ravenclaws who were looking at him strangely and past a couple of third years who were too busy giggling to notice him.
"Hey Potter, where you going?" He glanced behind and saw two large seventh year Slytherin sneering at him. He turned back around, content to ignore them. If he didn't he would probably throttle them in Malfoy's place and that would only lead to more problems for all of them.
"I don't think he heard you." The other one said. Harry thought his name might be Nicholas.
"I guess I'll just have to be louder." The Slytherin said his voice raising. "Hey Potter! Looking for Granger?"
Harry didn't have to look behind him to know that the other students in the hallway had stopped to see what he would do. Anger rose to the surface, but Harry forced himself to keep walking, to ignore them. They were just stupid Slytherins trying to get a reaction out of him, he told himself, and he didn't need to say or do anything.
"I hate to break it to you Potter, but the reason you can't find your little girlfriend is probably because she's down in the dungeons, working on her grades." Both Slytherins chuckled loudly, grinning like they had just said something incredibly clever.
Harry turned around quickly, his wand already out. He took quick strides towards them, disarming them both before they even had the chance to do anything, and socked the guy right in the face. He felt his fist connect with his nose and heard a crunch. It was the most pleasant thing he had heard in a while.
"Mr. Potter that is quite enough!" McGonagall's shrill voice came from behind him.
"Mr. Davis please escort Mr. Bloome to the hospital wing, twenty points will be removed from Slytherin for instigating a fight."
"But—"
"I do not want to hear it Mr. Bloome. Leave now." She said, "Mr. Potter, please follow me to my office."
Harry followed McGonagall in silence. They passed a few students along the way, many of which pointed and wondered loudly about what had happened. He was sure people would be hearing a version of what happened soon, he was sure it wouldn't be the true version. He hoped he had gotten his point across though. He wasn't going to just ignore what people were saying; he was on Hermione's side and anyone who said something against her was going to have to deal with him.
McGonagall opened her office door, gesturing for him to enter before her. He took a seat in one of her uncomfortable chairs and waited for her lecture to begin. He knew he should be feeling guilty for what he had done, that he should at least try to appear apologetic, but he didn't care. That guy had deserved what he had gotten.
"Mr. Potter, I am deeply disappointed to see that you have resorted to muggle violence." Moving behind her desk, "There are quite a few spells that would have taken longer to heal and proven how unwise it is to speak of Miss Granger in such a manner."
"I…uh, what?"
"Do not be confused Potter, I do not normally condone such behavior but I do not condone what is happening to Miss Granger either." She said, her frown growing larger. "Unfortunately my hands are tied and point loss and detention for lewd behavior can only do so much."
"So you're…okay with what just happened?" Harry asked, still trying to wrap his head around what she was saying.
"I am okay with you defending someone who is right now unable to defend themselves. No points will be taken from Gryffindor."
Leaving McGonagall's office, Harry still wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he didn't think that he had ever liked Professor McGonagall better. She certainly had surprised him a lot over the years. It seemed like every time he went to her office, things turned out differently than expected.
"Harry?" Ron's voice came from behind him. "What were you doing in there?"
"I just…McGonagall wanted to talk to me for a minute." Harry said. He would tell him the whole story later. "You have any luck finding Hermione?"
"Umm…Yeah, she was in the Room of Requirement like we thought she would be." Ron said falling in step next to Harry.
"Was she…Did she look okay?" Harry asked. "Was she crying again?"
"No…Not crying, but she…she didn't look okay, Harry. She didn't look okay at all." Ron said.
"We should go check on her then." Harry said, looking determined.
"No, she said she just wants to be alone right now."
"But—"
"She made me promise, Harry." Ron said. He was wearing a determined look of his own and Harry was pretty sure that if he tried to go find Hermione himself Ron would stop him, no matter what it took.
----------------------
By Breakfast Monday morning Hermione looked like a completely different person. She had prepared as much as possible for the day; her glamour charms in place to cover all her bruises, enough pepper-up in her system to keep her awake through classes, and a mild cheering charm to hopefully convince everyone that she was okay. She wasn't sure that it was doing its job though, because Harry and Ron never stopped looking at her worriedly.
The Great Hall was a flurry of whispers when she entered and long after she had left. She never heard her name or Professor Snape's directly, not with all the teachers present and staring sternly down at all of them, but she heard plenty of other unflattering names that she knew were referring to her. She did her best to ignore everything around her, to pretend she didn't hear but it was harder than she thought it would be. She kept feeling eyes on her, feeling the other students' disgust and it was too much like being in the woods again, too much like having Charlie hovering over her, Harry judging her. She left halfway though breakfast, disappointed in herself for letting them get to her but unable to stay any longer.
Potions class itself hadn't been horrible, as even the Slytherin were afraid of saying anything too suggestive in front of Professor Snape, but the wait for it to begin had been excruciating. Leaving breakfast so early had made her and Harry and Ron the first students to the dungeons and the other students had had a field day with it.
Transfiguration hadn't been that bad either; Professor McGonagall had been in take no prisoner mode and had had them doing so much work that the other students hadn't had time to whisper about her. Unfortunately, Professor Flitwick wasn't quite as intimidating as Professor Snape or McGonagall and he had had them reviewing for a test, giving the students the opportunity to stare and whisper around her. She had tried her best to ignore them, to block it out and focus on revision, she had even tried remembering all the uses of dragons' blood to distract herself, but it was no use. It was hard to escape your problems when they were surrounding you.
She had been greatly relieved when classes were over and she was able to escape to the library with Harry and Ron. There were still plenty of students in the library, but Madame Pince was considered almost as scary as Professor Snape, and most students were there to actually study and weren't willing to risk getting kicked out. Unfortunately she had to leave the library eventually. She had sent Ron and Harry ahead of her, planning to drop her stuff off at her dormitory so that she could go directly to Remus's class room after dinner. They had both seemed reluctant to go without her, but had left just the same.
She had thought that she would feel a little better when she was on her own, away from their worried glances and unspoken questions about how she was doing, that she would feel better walking back from Gryffindor Tower when everyone was already at dinner. Unfortunately, the empty halls of Hogwarts weren't as comforting as they used to be. It gave her to much time to think, too much time to focus on things she didn't want to be thinking about, made her think she heard things when there was nothing there for her to hear. Hogwarts used to be a lot more comforting than it was for her now.
She had already dropped her bag off and was halfway to the Great Hall when Hermione thought she heard someone walking behind her. She glanced behind her, thinking it was another late student but no one was there. She turned back around, trying to shake off the feeling of being watched.
The footsteps started again and Hermione fought the urge to look behind, wondering if she had fallen asleep again without realizing it and this was another twisted dream. The footsteps grew louder and seemingly closer and Hermione couldn't help but turn around. When she did, she almost collided with someone.
"Wow there Granger, you looked scared."
She quickly stepped back, recognizing the voice as Malfoy. "Not scared, just surprised." She told him defensively. The last thing she wanted to deal with right now was him.
"Are you sure? Cause you seem scared to me." He told her, smirking down at her.
"Yeah well, I don't really care what you think Malfoy." Hermione said turning away from him.
"So what exactly happened?" Malfoy called after her, "You were missing your precious boyfriend and Snape's helping you to forget him?"
"Sod off, Malfoy." Hermione said not looking back on him. She just wanted to get to the Great Hall and eat her dinner and then go to her training with Remus, at least there she would be able to escape it all for a little while.
"Or maybe this has been going on a lot longer." He continued louder this time, "Is this why you've always gotten the highest marks in potions class. Maybe the O's had nothing to do with your performance in class but more in his chambers."
"Please keep your ridiculous theories to yourself, Malfoy." Hermione said, trying to pick up her pace. "I'm not interested in hearing anything you have to say."
"Hey, I'm not finished talking to you." He had caught up with her, grabbing her arm and roughly turning her to face him. When she looked up in his face she didn't see satisfaction at what he had done, she didn't see the superior smirk he had worn earlier while taunting her, he just looked angry. Like she had done something terrible, something that he considered personal.
"Well, I'm finished talking to you." She said, trying to get out of his tight grasp.
"No, I don't think so." Malfoy said backing her up until she hit the wall. She tried not to flinch at the contact, tried to push away memories of her nightmares, but she knew she had been unsuccessful when he smirked down at her.
"You know, I don't get it." He told her. "When I look at you, all I see is the filthy little Mudblood that you are. So what is it that they see? What makes you so special?"
"No one thinks I'm special, Malfoy." Hermione said, unable to meet his eyes. Hovering above her, he was too much like his father. "Everyone hates me, you made sure of that."
"Not everyone, not the people that matter." He growled. "So tell me, Granger what makes you so special?"
She wanted to remark on how jealous he sounded, wanted to tell him to bugger off, she wanted to prove to him that she wasn't scared of him, that he had no control over her, but when she met his eyes with her own, her throat went dry and she couldn't say anything. Because she was scared of him, she wanted nothing more than to run away from him, because no matter what she told herself she was not over what had happened that day in the forest and every time she looked at him she saw his father, she saw what had happened. He did have the power here and that scared the hell out of her because she knew he would use it.
"That's what I thought." Malfoy said smirking down at her. "You're not special Granger, your nothing but a filthy little Mudblood whore and you should remember that."
He turned away, going back the way he came and once Hermione was sure that he was gone, she slid down the wall letting her tears fall. She wasn't strong like Harry. She wasn't patient and acceptant like Remus. She wasn't able to fight through the fear like Ginny. She was nothing like them. She couldn't take the weight of what had been put on her. She couldn't handle this; she couldn't handle everything that had happened. She didn't want to be expected too. She just wanted it to be over. She just wanted to be better. She wanted someone to make it better.
She didn't go to dinner that night and she was sure Malfoy noticed.
-----------------------------
"Wand at the ready" Remus told her.
She raised her wand, in dueling position and he gave her a nod of approval. "Good. Now go. Expelliarmus!"
Hermione quickly cast a shield charm, taking a step back from Remus. She knew that he would never cause her any serious harm but she still hated it whenever he or anyone else raised their wand at her. She was barely able to raise her own wand to herself. "Impedimenta!" She shouted.
He deflected her spell and advanced on her yelling "stupefy!" Hermione dove to the side to get out of the way, landing hard on the floor.
This all could have been avoided if you had just stayed put, like a good little girl.
The voice echoed on her mind and Hermione's eyes snapped open trying to find where it came from. The room was darker now, she could barely see anything.
The more you fight this, the longer it will take Miss Granger.
She hated that voice. She hated the way it said her name. She hated who it belonged to. She let out a whimper as she looked ahead. It was no longer Remus standing before her. Lucius Malfoy stood there instead, he smirked down at her, his eyes taunting her.
He twitched his wand and a spell flew at her at lightning speed. She was barely able to get her wand up to protect herself. She scrambled to her feet, trying desperately to blink him away. She could still see the defense classroom, she was aware of Remus in front of her, but she could see him. She could feel him, his hands, his lips and it was too much for her to take.
Such a pretty little thing. The words whispered in her ear and she fired at him, yelling 'stupefy' with all her strength. The spell went nowhere near him and he advanced on her again. He still wore that smirk of self-assurance. He still watched her with that glint in his eyes, that look of desire that made her shake in fear.
She felt his hands grab her arms, she felt him pull her closer to him and she cried out in anguish. This wasn't supposed to be happening. This wasn't supposed to be happening. His face was coming closer, his grip on her arms tightening. She let out a sob, bringing her wand up from her side. "Stupefy. Stupefy. Stupefy! Stupefy!" She yelled desperately. It wasn't working. He was still there. She could still feel him. Still see him.
She felt another pair of hands, this time struggling with her wand. She let out another scream of terror and struggling against him, desperately trying to keep a hold of her wand. "Stay away from me! Stay away!" She yelled.
"Hermione!"
"Stupefy." She cried desperately. It came out pitifully and her wand barely twitched in her hand before it was ripped out of her hand and thrown across the room. Arms began to wrap themselves around her and Hermione cried out again, struggling harder now.
"Hermione, Hermione calm down. It's me, Hermione. It's Remus." The voice broke through and Hermione looked up to see the familiar brown eyes of Remus Lupin staring back at her instead of the steely gray she had expected.
Another sob broke free. It wasn't real. He wasn't there. He had never been there. But he had. He was always there. She could always see him, always feel him. He haunted her, they all did. She reached her hand out hesitantly. She wanted to make sure he was real. She wanted to see it, to feel it. Her hand grazed his cheek and she let out a cry, launching herself at him. She clung to him desperately, hoping that somehow being there with him would take the pain away, make her forget.
"Hermione, it's alright. It's over. Nothing's going to hurt you; I'm the only one here." He said wrapping his arms around her. She felt him bring his hand up, cupping the back of her head. She wished desperately that it would give her a comforting feeling, that it would make her feel safe and protected but it didn't. Wrapped up in Remus's arms, she could still feel Lucius's on her.
A/N: For anyone who thinks its uncharacteristic of Hermione to be that scared of Malfoy, I understand but please remember that she's still going through the aftermath of the attack at Christmas and all the attacks in her dreams. She hasn't been given the proper care and time to get over them and at this point the lines between Draco and Lucius are beginning to blur for her. She knows what Lucius is capable of and she's terrified that Draco is capable of the same things.
Sorry for any grammar and spelling errors.