Thoughtful

Rei slowly walked up the steps towards her apartment. It was dark outside, but she knew the way so well that that the many burned out lights in the stairwell did not bother her. The stairs spiraled upwards out of sight as she glanced upwards before getting off on her floor. She unlocked her heavy door with a silver key and the door swung shut behind her as she took off her shoes.

The books and papers she was carrying were placed on one of two chairs at the small table in the bare kitchen. Rei sank into the other chair and pulled a blue piece of paper towards her. It had only numbers on it, but the numbers were a code for her schedule for the week. She scanned the paper and saw that once again they would be making more clones. The blue paper was placed on top of the other papers after she had finished reading it. She closed her eyes and sank deeper into her chair. She did not mind being present for any of the experiments they were doing, but the effects of the experiments were disconcerting.

Rei remembered the first time she had seen one of the clones. It was like looking into a mirror with distortions so minor that they seemed to be almost subliminal. Every feature of the face was perfectly formed, but the eyes were dull and blank. The scientists who were present were delighted by the perfect replication of the clone and Rei had nodded her assent when they asked her if the clone seemed amazing. She left while they were still congratulating each other and when she got home she went to her one mirror to study her eyes. They were different than the clone's eyes, but what made them different? Was it being alive? Being able to have thoughts? Having a soul?

Other things were disconcerting too. Ikari. Both of them. She was sure she had met Shinji somewhere or seen him before. He seemed so familiar. Gendo was familiar too, but maybe that was because he had always been around. There were times when memories of both of them seemed just out of her grasp. If she could ever remember her dreams she was quite sure that both of them would be there.

Why did it matter? What was the point of making all of these clones? Gendo had told her what he believed would be the ultimate destiny of all humans. If they were destined to all become one then why was she still alive? What did they need her for? She let her thoughts drift away for several minutes while she stared out of the window which looked out to the apartment building next to this one.

What was the purpose of individuality? Each person she knew had their own individual personality and their own likes and dislikes, but what did that ever accomplish? Would it be better if everyone was the same? What if individuality was what made everyone happy? Is that why they were all separated?

Rei was uncertain if this was the right answer. The few times she could remember feeling happy were all associated with EVA. At the same time it also repulsed her. The entry plug smelled like blood and the enclosed space was almost too small. She opened her eyes and stretched out her pale hands in front of her face. There she could see her blood through the skin of her hands. The veins on the surface of her hands looked almost blue against the white of her skin. The blood that she needed and hated just like the EVA was inside her. She needed it even though she did not like it.

She clenched one hand into a fist and watched blood start to gather in the veins. There were other things that people needed to keep them alive. Something to work towards. Goals. If there were no more individuals would there only be one goal or would there be no goals at all? If everyone was one individual would there be thoughts and feelings? How could you have preferences if everyone was the same?

Rei did not understand any of it.