SPfic: Separation

Chapter Two

Regret … Silent reminder of our wrong doing …

I toss and turn, still unable to sleep; the memories keep coming back to me … Tormenting me … Accusing me … Questioning me … I look at the alarm clock on the night table, the red numbers glowing in the dark, it's 2:08 am – " Why did it have to end like this? Why, goddammit, why? " – I stare at the ceiling for a while.

- " Why did I come here? " – I ask myself again, like so many times before since I moved here; anguish squeezing my heart like a giant fist, desperation hammering my mind – " I feel so fucking unhappy! why is it so damn hard to go back home? " – I scream and hit the matress several times. After all this time it still surprises me how much I miss my old life. The bustling and hustling of a big city doesn't fit me well, even after one year and six months, i can't get used to it. I guess it's the curse ( Or should I call it, the blessing ) of being born and raised in a very small town, with a tight knit community where everyone knows their neighbors. All the noise around day and night and the speedy, superficial lifestyle of the big city makes me sick and troubles me like no one can imagine, unless they themselves come from a small town. All the frivolity, the coming and going, their fake bodies, hearts and minds, the crudeness of ways and the lack of manners, the desperation to have what they can't, the desperation to be seen and known, the infamous 15 minutes of fame. Kids dying to grow fast, to have the latest stuff shoved down their throats by consumerism and the media, desperate to fit in, to be cool; while the adults do their best to desperately retain their youth at all costs, even if it means turning into something monstrous in the end. Shallow beings, vain lives, empty souls; how can anyone like all this? Suddenly I feel so sick about this, that I find myself vomiting on the carpet, the bitter taste making me shudder. I feel empty and alone. I miss my town, my family, my friends … specially my best friend.

- " I wish I was dead! " – I close my eyes again.

The movie in my mind, of memories past continues to play:
A week after the fight, Cartman stopped talking to all of us. He would go to such lenghts as to cross the street if he saw us walking his way on the same sidewalk, he even changed his schedule so he wouldn't have as many classes with us as possible and if he did have that misfortune, he would sit as far away as he could, especially from me.

By the time we graduated High School, three weeks after the fight, I was no longer speaking to Kenny or Kyle, avoiding them at all costs, even changing my cell phone number. I felt angry, confused and very bitter, so when the opportunity to leave town knocked on my door I took it without second thoughts; a coach from an out of state college had seen me play in one of our school's football matches and he spoke to my coach and to my parents about a future in football, he was offering a scholarship with the package; my father was thrilled and so was Shelley, though not for the same reasons; my mom not so much, I was her baby and she didn't want me to leave home like that. I left South Park as soon as I got my diploma, I had to get away; I thought it was the right thing to do or at least it felt that way right then and there; I didn't tell my friends I was leaving, I didn't say goodbye.

I heard from my mom, a little over a month after I left, that Butters had been sent to some private college out of state with a very strict code of conduct and 24 hour supervision of students, as soon as he finished his stay at the camp, surprisingly this school was not that far away from the school I was attending now; i felt bad for him; I tried to call him at his school, but someone kept asking me to leave a message. The rest of them, my mom told me, went to study to the honorable University of Colorado in South Park, except for Kenny and Craig, who enrolled in South Park Community College, nevertheless all of them would hang out whenever they could. I often think of them, I wonder how they are, what they're doing. I began to regret ever leaving, soon after my first week, when guilt, regret and nostalgia really kicked in. I wanted to go back, scratch that I was dying to go back, but my pride got the best of me. I found myself calling Kyle in the middle of the night, I needed to hear him; but I would hang up on him as soon as I heard him answering, even when he would ask if it was me calling. Even now I wonder if they've forgotten about me, if they need me, if they missed me. I haven't had the balls to ask my mom if any of them had said anything about me leaving town like a burglar, in the middle of the night, I wanted to know if they've asked about me all this time I've been away, if they're still pissed off at me. I kick myself mentally everytime I think of this.

The sun comes through my window, hurting my eyes, I look at the clock, and it's already 7: 00 am. I decide in a heartbeat, that I am not going to school; I have no energy to get out of bed nor am I in the mood to be around people; my eyes begin to sting and I realize that I'm crying; I start to sob loudly and I choke my screams of frustration with my pillow. God help me I don't want to be here. I wish I had said something to Kyle, i wish i could have had the balls to tell him how i felt; i know that what i did was horrible, regret starts eating my heart again, like it has done since the day i left; i know i left him confused, angry and hurt, and i regret it so much; i know he wouldn't forgive me for it. I continue to cry, filled with desperation and hopelessness.
I pray to God to kill me, I can't go on like this, my world is dark and empty.

The next time I open my eyes I am clinging to my pillow, hugging it tight as if it were a life saver in the middle of my emotional wreck; I turn to my side to face the alarm clock, it's 1: 00 pm now. I check my cell phone and see that I have various messages from my classmates and my coach, I delete them, one by one, without even checking a single one. I don't feel like giving explanations to anyone, instead I call my mom and ask her if she could get Butters cell phone number for me, letting her know that I would call her back in 30 minutes; I have an idea, but I need to clear my mind to plan it well. I take a shower, shave, as I look at myself in the mirror, i notice that I look tired and pale, my hair is a black mess and my baby blue eyes have no life in them; I have to get out of this lame ass place now before desperation gets the best of me and pushes me to do the unthinkable; i don't want my parents to get their son back in a black bag; I have to turn my life around, fix my chain of mistakes, take control and find my joy again. I gather my things, fold my clothes and get my luggage ready. I call my mom, as I said I would, she was able to get Butters cell phone number, she had called Mrs Stotch, who was now living out of town, asking her about the Private school that Butters was attending; she told Mrs Stotch that she really wanted me to enroll in that school because she was not only interested in my academic development, she was worried I was straying away from my religious beliefs, she wanted me to attend a school that also focused on morals, values, and family along with good academic program. She didn't have to ask for Butters' cell phone number, Mrs Stotch offered it to my mom, so that I wouldn't feel so lonely there, she even told my mom, she considered me a good manly influence for Butters … If she only knew. I write down the number and thank my mom, promising her that things were gonna get better. I think my mom knows what's going on, I think she knows how miserable I am here, I think she knows I'm coming back home.

- " This cannot be the end! Please God i don't want this to be the end of it! " – I say aloud – " This will not be the end, I swear I will not let this be the end! " – I make one last call; I grab my things and I head to the closest bus station.

I buy a one way ticket to this unknown town; I sit and wait to board the bus; I'm a young man on a mission, i have a plan and nothing is gonna stop me from fulfilling it. I only had to wait 10 minutes and I was at the private university's campus in less than two hours. I find my way around carefully and call Butters:
" Uh hello? " – a nervous voice answers at the other end of the line.

" Butters? " – I ask, though I recognize his voice immediately.

" Uh w-who is this? " – He asks.

" Forgot me so soon Butters? I've only been away a year and some months " – I chuckle and wait for him. There's a long silence – " Butters are you there? " – I ask, my voice trembling a bit.

" Uh gees … uh, I'm not allowed to talk to you … Uh s-sorry Stan " – He says hurriedly

" Wait Butters, I have something very important to tell you, please listen to me ok? " – I beg him, praying for him not to hang up; gladly he doesn't.

" Uh jesus Stan better m-make it quick … uh there's a lot of guardians walking the halls during lunch, i-I don't wanna get in trouble " – He says sounding more nervous than before.

" Can you go somewhere safe and quiet, where you can talk freely? "

" uh i-I think I can, wait a bit all right? " - Silence

I wait for him to do that, keeping an eye around me; he responds:

" Ok i-I think I'm safe now Stan " – He giggles nervously, I think I know why, I'm sure this sounded like the biggest lie he'd ever told, he could never be safe there.

" Ok Butters this is what you're gonna do, you are gonna get very sick right now and you're gonna tell these guardians that you need to go to your room to lay down. Once you get to your room, you are gonna pack your belongings as fast as you can and I'm gonna get you out of this shit hole, get that? " – I wait for him to answer, I hear him sigh.

" Uh gees Stan, I don't know … You see I-I don't feel sick at the moment "

" Butters! Pretend that you are sick! Just think of anything that might let you go to your room and pack goddammit! " – I say authoritatively, not wanting to waste more time.

" Uh i-I don't know about this Stan … I mean … what about m-my parents and all " – He sounds like he's gonna lose it, so i take control.

" Butters? "

" Yes? "

" Do you like being here? "

" No "

" Ok then get your ass to your room and do as I fucking say goddammit!!! … " – I'm feeling frustrated and a bit annoyed by his apathy.

" Uh Stan? "

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down and force myself to answer in a patronizing way - " yeah? " -

" Were are you? "

" Right here "

" I know you are on the phone silly… uh I was wondering where are you calling me from? "

" I mean I am right here at your campus Butters, right near the fucking entrance … Now tell me, where are the dorms and how the fuck do I get to your room without getting caught by these guardians? "

Butters gives me directions to his room, as well as info regarding the places most guarded by guardians and the spots where they hide the surveillance cameras. Gladly his roommate is home due to some family tragedy or something and we won't have to worry about that. I walk along the safest path that Butters told me to take, trying to mingle with the rest of the students I encounter; I wait for the coast to clear, so that I can head to the dorm's fire stairs behind the building with a number three on the east corner:
- " There you are Mr. Cooper! Oh dear I knew you'd get lost! " – A voice comes from behind me, I turn immediately – " So good to see you, your father has told us wonders about you Mr. Cooper " – I am greeted by a tight hug from a plump woman in an old fashioned white shirt and a long pink skirt, her voice is soft and very youthful, she smiles placing her plump hands on my face, she looks so motherly and kind – " Did you have a safe trip my dear? ' – She asks smiling.

I just stare blankly at her, not understanding what's going on, I feel very surprised at the affectionate reception from a total stranger and the fact that this is about to fuck up my plans. I was afraid of getting caught before putting my plan into action, right after I had called Butters lifting his spirits and hopes higher than a kite only to have them crushed below the ground because of my dumb luck. I was determined to overcome this obstacle not without me wondering if it was because I kept refusing to go to church, but discarded the thought because it sounded so stupid. My only option right now is to play along as best as I can.

– " Where are your manners young man? Miss Thomas just asked you a question! " – Came the harsh voice of the tall woman standing right behind her, she looked very mean and stern, her face was long and her nose was crooked and her lips were nothing more than a very thin and straight line; she was wearing a frilly black shirt and a long black skirt. She was piercing my skull with her grayish eyes, they looked like the eyes of the fish at the super market and that thought made me shudder.

– " I apologize ma'am " – I say feeling really embarrassed by this, blushing and looking at my shoes – " I had a very good trip thank you for asking; I'm just a little overwhelmed, I've never been away from home you see " – I say playing along as this Cooper guy.

- " Oh it's all right my dear boy, it's understandable, being away from home and traveling by yourself can be too much for such a young boy. I am Miss Fanny Thomas, I teach algebra, calculus and statistics, and this is Miss Glenda Perkins, she will be your theology studies teacher " –

I extend my hand, meeting hers and shaking it gently, like my mother taught me one should do when introduced to a nice lady – " Pleased to meet you Miss Thomas, you too Miss Perkins " – I motioned for the other woman but she just stood there, motionless, giving me the coldest stare I've ever received in my life; I bow my head, she inspects me from head to toe, I think she knows I'm not this Cooper guy and her next question sure confirms this:

- " You certainly don't dress like the son of an oil tycoon. Tell me how is your mother?, is she back from her trip to Europe? " – She sneers and her face distorts, making her look more bird like than before.

- " Now, now Miss Perkins, kids today have the strangest fashion sense; no need to be so mean to the poor boy on his first day, i'm sure you're exhausted from your trip aren't you dear?, here let us show you to your room.

I let them walk in front of me, there's no way in hell I'm going near that witch; I listen attentively as they show me around, telling me about the different buildings we come across and which rooms are for which classes, as well as the rules and customs of the school. I look at the red brick building with the ivy on the walls and the large number three on the golden colored plaque, and I feel as if luck were smiling at me again, they are taking me to the same building where Butters' dorm room is located. The school is so preppy that they have a small library in each dorm as well as a small kitchen. They introduce me to the Prefect, a lanky, hunched, red haired guy with freckles and a pointy nose that made me feel quite uncomfortable because he was breathing through his mouth the whole time, making a lot of noise and his hand was clammy and cold. He told me the rules, which consisted of basically not being able to do anything except pray and repent almost every minute of your waking hours and dreaming of nothing but jesus while you slept. Both ladies left and the Prefect whose name was Chandler handed me some forms I had to fill out, a student card, my student ID, a map, a schedule, a thick book entitled School Rules, a paperback called Student Guide and guidelines and a leather bible. He finally led me to Cooper's room which was to my luck, only three doors down from Butters', but I noticed that I couldn't walk over to his room because number one I was new and new people from out of state didn't usually know people in their new school, second the hall was packed with students reading the bible and praying in small groups, which made the task of walking around with luggage very suspicious, and third Butters told me about the color codes on the doors which signaled the " status " of this or that student to others Butters' status was " Red for queer ", while Cooper's was " Blue for rich ", red cannot mingle freely with other students, especially not with rich kids. Suspected gay kids were set apart from the rest.
- " Well here's your room " – Chandler opens the door handing me a copy of the key; he has a bunch of keys hanging from a large silver loop, he looks like the ginger version of St Peter and I had to supress a chuckle – " I have a copy to your room, and of everyone else's room in this building; supper is served at 7: 00 pm sharp, we have night prayers at 8: 00 pm in the main hall over at building B, doors and windows are locked automatically at 8: 15 pm and roll call is at 5: 00 am. May jesus be with you brother Rupert " – He says waving me goodbye as he approached a small group of anxious looking students, who had been waiting for him impatienly, right down the hall..

I wave back and go into the room. " Wait … " – I think to myself – " Did he say Rupert? What kind of a fucked up name is that? Who'd pick such a crappy name for their kid? And I thought Stanley Randall was bad? … - Another thing strikes me – " Roll call? Wait what is this a nazi concentration camp? " – I shake off these thoughts and look at my wrist watch, - " shit! We only have close to one hour to get the fuck out of here! " - I open the window and look around, there's no one outside at the moment – " The coast is clear … luck please don't fail me now " –

I get out carefully and walk down the steps, running to the ones just three doors down; i climb quickly, trying not to draw attention to myself, climbing the steps as quietly and safely as I can, all the while looking around to make sure no one's following me; I feel nervous, tense and anxious; when i finally reach Butters' dorm room window, I tap softly on the glass:
" Ready? " – I ask him as soon as he opens the window to let me in, thanking the heavens for such a large widow; I'm really happy to see him again after all this time, I take a good look at him and my heart sinks, he is somewhat hunched, thin, he looks apalled and lost, his once bright eyes look sorrowful and opaque, his beaming smile gone. I take a look around his room, when I notice that me staring is making him feel awkward and uncomfortable; this room is rather small, and I immediately think that this has got to be the ugliest room I've ever been in, with its dull gray colored walls, the paint peeling at the bottom, its white colored ceiling with small water stains near the corners; no carpet, just dark wood, the furniture consisted of nothing more than a small bed, placed against the farthest wall, a small desk right next to the window and a drawer next to the closet near the door; it looks more like a jail cell than a student's dorm room, not to mention that it's a very dark and claustrophobic room, the perfect place where one could be driven to hang ones self without second thoughts.

" S- Stan? " – He says beaming – " I thought this was a j-joke, oh gees is this really happening? " – He says rushing towards me and clinging to me, shaken with emotion.

" Joke? Butters who do you take me for? I'm Stan remember, not Cartman " – I say pretending to be aggravated – " This is really happening Butters, trust me " – I say hugging him. I can hear him cry and I reassure him that everything is gonna be all right, that I am gonna take him home to Kenny … Kenny, that name sounds so foreign on my lips. I feel something squeezing my heart tightly, Butters notices and asks:
" Uh y-you all right there Stan … Is something the matter? " – He suonds genuinely concerned.

" Yeah, I'm ok dude … I just … All these memories came rushing to me just now … I can't believe I'm right here with you, about to get your out of this damn place " – I tell him as I smile, giving him a soft punch on the shoulder. It is so relieving to be near him

" What's gonna happen now Stan? " – His eyes have lost that sparkle that always characterized them.

" We're gonna go back to South Park, we're gonna go home … You're gonna be safe Butters, I promise you that " – I hug him again, not only to comfort him but because I need it too. I let him go and look at him.

" Uh Stan? … Um why did you leave South Park?

I try to look for the words but I find myself unable to speak

There's a sudden knock on the door and we both freeze in panic; we look at each other, wide eyed, our mouths agape; he snaps out of it first, hidding his luggage underneath his bead, then he motions for me to go into the closet and keep quiet. He jumps quickly on his bed and answers in a grief striken voice:
" P-Please … C-Come in " - Followed by a coughing sound.

I hear a man's voice and a woman's voice ask him about how he's feeling, it seems that the female voice is that of a guardian or teacher and she doesn't seem to be falling for Butters sudden illness; while the male voice must be the school's doctor, telling by the kinds of questions he's asking; him on the other hand sounds genuinely concerned about him. It takes them a while to leave the room, making me panic because this place has some sort of stupid curfew and the doors and windows get locked after a certain hour to prevent students from venturing out at night.
- " Come on you damn fucks get the hell out of here! Shit, shit shit! " – I think to myself, trying hard to control the urge to storm out and knock the intruders out; I feel frantic and desperate.

I suddenly hear one of them approaching the closet, my heart beats faster, I feel like I'm gonna pass out form the anguish; the person simply rests against the closet door, It creaks a bit due to the weight. I try to control my breathing, avoiding making any noises; I feel my heart in my throat, my head feels heavy and my hands are clammy and cold; I don't want to ruin this.
-" No God, please don't let them catch us, please I beg you, help us dear God! This isn't happening, this can't be happening; Oh God why? Why?! " – I ask in my mind, closing my eyes and pressing the bridge of my nose, trying to remember a prayer to help me.

I am taken out of my thoughts by the sudden opening of the closet door; I don't know how long has it been since I went into the closet, i can't help but jump believing that I was getting caught by one of these visitors and my mind starts to race, thinking of something to do, I don't want my plan to fail miserably, I want to get him out of this hell hole and I must do it no matter what. Soon I am taken out of my shock by Butters' soft voice letting me know that the visitors had left; I guess I must look terrified because he asks me if I was ok.
" Uh gees Stan why are you so pale? Uh do you feel a-all right? "

" Y- Yes butters I was just running out of air " – I lie trying to calm down – " Let's get the fuck out of this shit hole " – I check my wrist watch – " We have to hurry up dude, we only have 20 minutes left before they close the doors, come on let's grab your things " -

I get out of the small closet and we begin the difficult task of taking Butters' luggage out of the room. I can't believe how much crap he took with him. Four damn suitcases, a light blue messenger bag with a laptop inside, a tote bag and a back pack; I get out of the room first, carrying some of the suitcases, I wait for Butters to pass me the remaining ones, which I put next to me; Once he makes sure everything he owns is out, he gets out of the room and we start walking down the steps, trying our best to stay calm and alert, while we walk as fast as we can. I can't help but think that Butters is so much like a girl, and I'm suddenly struck by the memory of that time we made him dress like a girl to steal the girls' future telling device; i stop myself from chuckling, but allow myself to smile. Every sound makes us jump, the trail out of campus seems never ending. We were half way near the campus' entrance, when we hear someone yell " Runaway " and a whistle blowing, followed by more voices and footsteps that seem to be approaching us; I turn around and see Chandler running towards us, with Miss Perkins right behind him.

- " Run Butters and don't fucking look back you hear me?! Go, go, go!!! " – I command, taking the lead.

- " Uh y-yes sir!!! " – Comes Butters nervous voice, he sounds as determined as I am to get the fuck out of that loony bin he had been staying in for the past year.

- " That crazy bitch is right behind us Butters, run faster!!! " – I bark at him.

- " Uh she's not the worse, should've met Miss Thomas, she's the devil incarnate, they don't call her Torquemada for nothing!!! " – He cries.

- " Stop right there you two! Stop right now! " – I see Miss Thomas screaming; she's right behind the rest of our chasers, having trouble catching up, she looks pissed and more evil than that skinny crow looking Miss Perkins.

- " Go, go, go!!! " – I scream again pulling at his shirt to make him run faster.

We start running faster than before, me leading the way towards the rental car I had left parked some blocks away from campus; adrenaline pumping in our veins, the luggage didn't seem to bother us as we flee. We don't stop until we reach the car; no time to open the trunk, I scramble with the keys, dropping them a couple of times because my hands are shacking too much; I'm finally able to open the back door and we just throw the luggage in, rushing to the front seats; I start the car and speed away, none of us looking back, we just laugh and scream feeling victorious
- "We did it Butters! We fucking did it! "- I scream shaking him a bit

- "I'm free Stan, I'm finally free! How can I ever thank you? " – He hugs me and I pat him on the back with my free hand trying to reassure him that things were gonna get better for him, that he was not alone, that he could count on me … And in doing so, I was reassuring myself …

- " South Park here we come! " – I scream at the top of my lungs feeling ecstatic.

- " Yeah! " – Came Butters voice – " Ready or not! " -

This has been the best day I've had in almost two years. Some miles after, we look at each other, still sweaty, exhausted, but smiling; one thing I will never forget, for as long as I live will be the twinkle in Butters' eyes at the thought of being free, of being with a long time friend again, of being saved, of going home … We were both going home …