A/N: A speedy update, because people seemed to be of the opinion that it was needed.

Also, I have homework to avoid, so yeah.

And also, my gf won't write with me right now, so I have no choice but to focus on my own stories. /sad

Chapter Three

Or: Studies of a chain of reactions

Their lips met, clumsily, and then there was a moment when Sirius was far too shocked to react, and Remus had no control over his own body, and could do nothing but notice in horror how he was pushing his tongue into Sirius' mouth. And then, at the exact same moment as Remus managed to wrestle his body back into he own grasp, some neuron sparked in Sirius' brain and realisation of what was happening descended in his eyes. Simultaneously – and probably rather comically if one had the advantage of merely watching the spectacle – they flew away from each other, Remus toppling backwards and then clawing himself backwards over the floor, and Sirius jerking away with such brutal force that he banged his head against the floor. He contracted into a foetal position, clutching at his head as he groaned in pain, while Remus was staring at him with a face as white as chalk, looking as if he was fighting very hard not to faint.

James knew that in any moment there was going to be shouting, and maybe things would slip out that the whole school shouldn't know, so he turned around with panic in his eyes in a desperate plea to the loyalty of his team. "Look, everyone, could you just... just go to bed now? This is a bit... uh... private?"

And to his surprise, they actually listened. Sure, they were bouncing meaning looks back and forth as they headed for their respective dorms, and he was sure that gossip about what they had seen to everyone they knew and thus make sure it would spread all over school, but at least Remus and Sirius wouldn't have an audience to whatever it was that was happening between them. Hopefully, since it was so late, no one else would blunder in.

Sirius had by now managed to sit up, and was making incoherent noises as he stared at Remus in outrage. Remus was still frozen, staring right back at Sirius with an expression of deep, undiluted horror. James thought maybe he should make a contribution.

"What the hell," he said, with feeling, "was that about?"

Remus slowly turned to look at him, but when his mouth opened no words would come out, just a string of small, terrified gagging sounds. Sirius had by now, it seemed, noticed the strange state Remus seemed to be in, for he stopped trying to speak for a moment, took a deep breath and wiped his mouth with every sign of revulsion before finally managing to get his vocal chords back in working order. "That's a... a very good question. Remus, what... you just said... so why...?"

He was interrupted by Remus throwing up. When he was done with that, he sat for a long while with hunched shoulders, shaking, before managing to look up. By then Sirius had, by means of a steady crawl, managed to drag himself into a chair, and James had perched beside him on the armrest. They were both watching Remus warily, but not completely without sympathy.

"Moony?" James tried again. "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't," Remus finally managed to say, his voice hoarse. James and Sirius exchanged disbelieving looks, as if they couldn't believe that he was actually trying to deny what he'd done, and something in Remus snapped. "It wasn't me," he snarled. "It was... it was her! She... she took over my body!"

He when saw their faces change as the words sank in, saw how the meaning of what he'd just said slowly became clear to them. James looked even more shocked, while Sirius' face took on a note of even deeper revulsion.

"You... you mean that the wolf just kissed me?" he asked, his voice trembling.

Remus tried to collect his thoughts by leaning his face in his hands, thus allowing himself to take his eyes off his friends. "Well yes. And no. She made me kiss you. She was the one controlling me, but she left me conscious of what I was doing." Too conscious. She'd had control over all of his body, and for a terrible moment before he managed to regain control, Remus had felt a tell-tale tingle running through his body, starting in his crotch and travelling fast. True, it had died away the moment he'd gotten his body back in his own grasp, but it had still been there, and it was terrifying. He had something inside him that could make him do things like that, something that could even force him to enjoy it. It was insane; it was evil; it was twisted beyond belief and it scared him like hell.

"Merlin's balls," James swore with emphasis, and then looked ashamed, as if saying 'balls' to a poof was somehow slightly worse than saying it to a straight person. "That is... that's just sick."

"Tell me about it," Remus said bitterly, looking for his wand and eventually finding it under the sofa. Stabbing it in the direction of the pool of sick on the floor, he Vanished it with an angrily muttered spell as he got clumsily to his feet.

"So, what, you mean it can happen again?" Sirius asked, aghast, and Remus promptly decided to direct his anger at him instead.

"I don't know, do I?" he snapped viciously. "You think I knew that was going to happen? I have no idea what is happening, or what she did to me, so how the fuck am I supposed to know..." Here his voice trailed off and he collapsed into the sofa, and he only managed to hold it off for a few seconds before bursting into tears. Ashamed and angry with himself he hid his face, but there was nothing he could do to stop sobbing, gagging, fighting for breath, and nothing to shield him from the knowledge that James and Sirius were exchanging glanced over his head, helpless. Eventually he felt a hand on his shoulder and knew without looking that it was James'. He could hear Sirius going up the steps to the dorm, pausing every few seconds to look back, before finally breaking into a run.

He slumped sideways onto the cushions of the couch, bit the fabric hard and tried to forget what had just happened. Except that that was impossible. No one was going to let him, he knew that. And by tomorrow, his boyfriend would know.

- What are you doing? This is not right. Her voice was tortured within his mind, full of conflicting urges and incomprehension.

- What am I doing? What are you doing? Remus raged against the other presence in his mind. You... you had not right. No right!

- But this is wrong, the wolf wailed silently. You keep pushing our mate away from us! You keep telling him lies.

- I have not lied, Remus replied ferociously. I told him the truth. I don't want to live with him. I don't love him. I don't want him ever to touch me. I don't want anyone else except...

- That other one, she finished in contempt. He is nothing. He is not our mate. I did not choose him. But you still let him touch you!

- Because I want to, Remus replied, anguished. I want him to hold me, kiss me, touch me. I wanted to have sex with him!

- NO! Her roar of protest was like a shockwave through the link, and it sent waves of shock coursing through his nervous system. Mating is not for anyone but the mate! You need to give yourself to our mate, you need to take...

- No. I won't do that, Remus replied coldly, blocking out as much as he could of her; of her feelings, her twisted logic and her damnable instincts. Why can't you understand? I do not want Sirius.

- Want? What is want? She sounded as if she's earnestly never heard of the word before. We NEED our mate. That is how it is, and how it will always be. Wanting doesn't come into it.

- Well, I do not care, Remus replied grimly. If this is how it's going to be, then we'll be alone forever. Forever, do you understand?

- I understand, she replied coldly after a long pause filled with unspeakable disgust. And if that is how it's going to be, then I will do whatever I can to fight you. And I will get better at it, trust me. His mind filled with images of Sirius and him, entangled and naked, and he pushed them away in revulsion. But in spite of himself he smiled, albeit very cruelly.

- It doesn't matter how good you get, he mocked her. Sirius doesn't want us. He isn't even attracted to men!

- I am female.

- You are a wolf! An animal! He is a human! He'll have me before he even considers you!

But she wouldn't listen. He hadn't thought she would; he wasn't sure she even could understand it. To her, the world was simple, painted in big strokes and full of undeniable facts; of do's and don'ts. And maybe the world was really like that, but humans sure as hell weren't!

xxx

"Is it true, then? Is it true that you kissed him? Everyone says you did."

"Everyone don't know that I'm a werewolf."

"But you kissed him?"

"Yes! But it wasn't... it wasn't me."

"What, she forced you?"

"Yes, she did. She took over my body."

"You never said she could do that."

"I didn't know! If I'd known, I would have told you. If I had known, I wouldn't have been wrestling with him."

Silence.

"You're seriously not angry with me for wrestling with him?"

Silence.

"He's my friend! There was nothing sexual about it, it was just for fun, like we've always done!"

"But it's different now, isn't it? He's your mate. It's different!"

"Not to me! I just want to be able to act normal when I'm around him, alright?"

"And that includes kissing him?"

"That wasn't me! Haven't you been listening? I thought that it would be safe for us to act like we always have, and then suddenly I was kissing him and I couldn't make myself stop! Do you think I liked that? It was the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me! It's... it's like I have this thing inside me that could potentially make me rape myself, and you think I wanted to do that?!"

Silence. "...please don't shout at me, Remus."

"I... I'm sorry. I just..."

"I'm sorry too. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... a bit sensitive right now."

"It's okay. I understand. You weren't there, you didn't see it. If you'd been there to see me hurl afterwards, you it would probably be easier for you."

"...you threw up?"

"Yes. Believe me, if you'd felt your tongue sticking itself down someone's throat on its own accord, you you'd be heaving too."

Silence.

"But you felt nothing when you kissed him? Nothing except wanting to stop?"

"No."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. I did feel something, but that wasn't really me. She took away my mind and left only my body to react simply to the prospect my mate. The moment I came back to myself it disappeared, and I threw up. He's just something my body thinks it needs, but something that hurts my heart and mind."

Silence.

"I still wish you wouldn't have felt that."

"Me too."

"Does that mean that you will learn to, eventually? I mean, that you could, if Sirius would let you?"

"Does it matter? I don't want to learn."

"...I think it matters to me."

"Look." A pause, a long pause, for the kiss is drawn-out and sweet. "There. When I kiss you, I feel so much more than just dumb attraction, and Sirius could never give me that, do you understand? Never."

"But there are things he can give you that I can't anymore."

"Well, those things aren't nearly as important. What is most important to me is what I can give to you."

"But what if I feel the same? I can't give everything that I want."

Silence.

The next day Remus attempted to distract himself with trying to find a suitable simile to use for the way he was beset in the corridors, during lunch, during classes. Unfortunately, there was a very simple, very accurate one at hand on the top of his mind.

Golgotha.

Sirius seemed to suffer just as much, if not more, because it was a greater indignity for him to be at the butt end of various gay jokes. Remus just found them immature and rather uninformed; to Sirius they were open implications that he should be a bloody poofter, and this seemed to unsettle him greatly.

Snape was, of course, having a field day.

As soon as professor Slughorn left the classroom to fetch more garlic-imbued blood samples, he turned around to sneer at them. "I always knew that there was something unnatural about you," he gave Remus a significant stare, "but this exceeds even my suspicions. And to display it so boldly in front of a whole audience," he smirked, bowing his head in mock admiration, "I am impressed. But I suppose the need grew too great for you to resist? Isn't that usually the case with such unnatural urges? You can try to hide it, but eventually the perversion will break out."

Sirius was about to spit some retort at him, his cheeks flushing blotchily, but Remus beat him to it. "Urges, Snape? And what would you know about that? Any experience you might have I suspect to be a bit single-handed."

Snape gaped, and turned red from humiliation as the words sank in and everyone, including his Slytherin friends, started snickering. Remus leant forward, manipulating his lips into a predatory smile. "But if you would like some real know-how, I'll be only too happy to offer you my help. It didn't work very well on Sirius, he just didn't have it in him, but I can see," he let his gaze stray knowingly over Snape's body, "that you definitely do."

Laughter broke out all over the classroom; even Lily was stuffing her sleeve into her mouth in a vain attempt to muffle her giggles. Snape looked positively mortified and bowed his head over his cauldron, saying nothing else, but the short glare he shot Remus a few moments later had pure hatred in it.

Remus was shocked with himself. It was just this kind of condescending behaviour that he usually hated in James and Sirius when they were at it, and now the poison had come spewing out of him as if he'd been longing for nothing else but to let it loose. It was unsettling. But he'd been afraid that Snape would make the danger worse by pouring his venom over an already sickening wound. By mocking Snape in front of everyone, he lessened Sirius own humiliation and – he had to admit – provided something of protection for himself. People would be less inclined to think that what was said about him was true, if they knew that he'd openly ridiculed the concept.

He knew, though, that to people that were somewhat closer to him, this attack could also be seen as proof that Severus had unwittingly managed to strike a nerve, and he didn't want that. He imagined what his boyfriend would say if this thought would indeed strike him, and it was a chilling concept. He couldn't ever let his love think that what had happened had truly done so because of some deep and repressed longing of Remus'. He would have to be a lot more careful in the future.