Selfish
Selfish; [sel-fish] adjective: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
"Seriously?" Kenny asked, not so much horrified as he felt later that he could have been, but more so just stunned. He'd joked for years that Kyle hadn't been straight, but the fact the he actually wasn't was just too weird for him to handle.
Kyle nodded, shrugging as he carefully kept his eyes glued to slowly cooling coffee he had his hands wrapped around. He looked up after a moment, cautiously, searching for something in Kenny's eyes.
"That bother you?"
Kenny quickly regained his composure and plastered an awkward smile on his face. "Pfft, no way. Like I said, I knew you two were gonna start fucking."
Kyle's face flushed, but he did seem tremendously relieved, "Yeah, well, you're wrong, since I haven't even told Stan yet."
"No shit? Why not?" He drank the last of the coffee in his cup.
"Well, I just, I don't really know how to," Kenny made a gesture toward Kyle's cup, "Huh? Oh, yeah, here, you can have it. I just don't know how to tell him, y'know?"
Kenny paused, drinking Kyle's overly-bitter and slightly cold coffee. "Yeah, I guess. You guys are like super best friends or whatever though, I don't think it's gonna bother him so much."
"But, I mean, dude, what if it does?"
"Now you're just being paranoid."
"Is it really paranoia if they're really out to get you?"
"Eh?"
"Nevermind."
There was an awkward pause. It didn't take long for Kenny's short attention span to kick in, though, and he felt a burning need to break said silence.
"Well, we got Moop practice today, so…" He remembered, swishing the contents of what he had discovered to be very, very bad coffee around the bottom of the cup.
"Eh? Oh, yeah. You can just toss that, you know."
"Naw, I don't throw food away." He said, and drank the last of it, before they left for their band practice, like nothing was different. But maybe it wasn't.
----------------------------------------------
"I'm still seeing something, guys, you see it too?
It's almost kind of funny, I don't know what to do.
Life's a bitch, ya'll should know, I think you do, but even so
That's why we live it, don't you think?
It's a sorta sink or swim and I don't wanna sink
But I'll take those odds and beat 'em I'll bet
Come on, let's go, ready and set-
It's here and it's knocking telling you to know
That life said hi, so ready and go
Don't close the door
Don't turn away
Spread your wings and soar
Yeah, try a little living today!
If we're put here for a reason I think you oughta find one
'Cuz we weren't made to walk, we were built to run
Keep it going going going gone
Why do you think I wrote this song
I don't get it, why are you still here?
Don't you get it buddy? No pain no gain no fear!
Don't close the door
Don't turn away
Spread your wings and soar
Yeah, try a little living today!" Kenny was silent as Stan and Kyle finished playing the extro, and Cartman set down his drumsticks, bored already.
"I thought that was pretty good," Kyle commented, pulling the guitar strap over his head.
"Nah," Kenny shrugged, "I'm pretty off my game, today, y'know? Maybe we should try an older song or something instead, we don't really have this one down yet."
"I thought that was the one we were gonna play at homecoming though," Stan said, picking up the sheet music and flipping through it, though Kenny couldn't understand what he could see in it with all its scribbles. Maybe it's a guitar thing?
"I dunno, I'm not feeling this one. It's too base-y, I think, actually. We probably oughta work on that…"
"No, I think it's just Cartman with his damn drums. You're off-beat again, fatass."
"Ay! Shut your face, ya' damn jew!"
Kyle shook his head, "Whatever. What the fuck ever! Cartman, what do you think?"
"I think it sounded fine. You and yer jew senses are too picky."
"Fuck you, fatass."
"Fuck your boyfriend over there," Cartman shot back, and Kyle's face flushed as he flipped him off.
"Ay! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home." With that, he tossed his drumsticks down and walked out of the room, slamming the door. They were all quiet for a few moments, before a rustling could be heard in the kitchen on the other side of the door.
"Stay out of my cheesy poofs, fatass!" Kyle yelled, earning him a muffled swear, more stomping, and another slammed door.
"Stupid fatass…" He mumbled, anger at boiling point and now with nothing constructive to direct it at. Kenny shrugged.
"Just ignore him, dude," Stan suggested for the millionth time, still studying his sheet music and scribbling more illegible notes on it.
"Arghh! He just gets so under my skin!" He cried, frustrated. Kenny wisely chose not to interfere with another one of Kyle's rants. It was mostly a given that Stan could say anything and Kyle wouldn't get mad at him, but that was because they were so close. They only got in fights over the really big stuff, and even though they could get in a huge fight, they always made up. Kenny wasn't sure enough to bet his friendship that he had such luck.
Actually, Kenny paused, It's kinda funny how close they've gotten. Thought they would've branched out and let other people in by now or something… He thought, feeling just a little hurt at the thought; he'd known them both almost as long as they'd known eachother, but even he wasn't really part of the group.
"Just forget about it, we still gotta fix this damn song before next week."
"Why can't we just play an old one? I'm better at those. I got nothing with this one," Kenny sighed, scratching the back of his head.
"Naw dude, everybody's heard all of those. We gotta play something new," Stan argued, dropping his notes back to their resting place. Kenny shook his head, stuck.
"But we sound like shit."
"I thought you said it was just an off day," Kyle threw back, obviously still retaining some of his bitter Cartman-anger.
Kenny, frustrated yelled back, "Well maybe I wouldn't be having such a bad day if you would just play the right damn notes half the time!"
"Oh, hell, yeah, I'm just playing the shit your ass wrote in the first place!" Kyle yelled back, making a violent gesture towards Stan's almost forgotten sheet music.
"Oh, so now it's my fault, after you butchered the damn thing with your 'edits?!'"
"I only fixed what was broken, stupid! Maybe if you actually tried to write something that could be played on a freaking guitar I wouldn't have to!"
Stan made a few weak attempts to break up the fight, but fruitlessly. His hands were up, wavering, not sure what to do.
"Well maybe if you'd give me a fucking hand every once in awhile I'd know what I was doing! Like I have the money for guitar lessons, you asshole!"
"There's this damn thing called the internet now, you poor piece of shit!"
"Fuck, like I can afford that either! Godammit Kyle, how much do you think my job pays?!"
"Maybe if you were smart enough to get a better job than a gas station cashier you wouldn't be such a poor piece of shit like Cartman always says, asswhipe!"
"Oh, so now you agree with the fatass?!"
"Dammit, at least he's right when he calls you a worthless son of a bitch!"
"Yeah, I bet I mean nothing to you, seeing as you went and told me your big fucking secret, huh?!"
Kyle bit his lip, eyes widening for a moment. He regained his composure, squinting angrily.
"You wouldn't dare, you selfish piece of shit-" He growled dangerously, forgetting just how much stronger Kenny was than him, "or I'll tell Stan you were doing Wendy at that party last year!" He yelled, and everything dropped into dead silence.
"What?" Stan asked, bewildered and standing no more than four feet away. Kyle looked over, shocked. How could he have forgotten Stan was right there?!
"You know what?" Kenny said bitterly, quietly. Kyle, suddenly feeling awful and traitorous, even by accident, didn't respond. "I wouldn't dare, because you're still my goddamn friend, and I wouldn't blurt shit like that out because you'd get your weak ass little self hurt." He spat, and it remained silent, all but Kenny's heavy breathing.
"Fuck it!" He yelled, grabbing his jacket from its place on a nearby chair, "I'm out of here! But you'd better fucking tell him or I just might get pissed enough to say it anyway." He stormed out of the room, and was about to slam the door, when he paused and looked back in. "I'm probably gonna get fucking killed on the way home, too, you bastard! I hope you feel all warm and fuzzy when my mom tells you I'm fucking dead again!" Only then did he slam the door and make his escape into the cold darkness outside.
But Kenny wasn't killed, not just yet.
He wandered for a little while, not really in a mood to go home, when he found himself at the cemetery. He wasn't sure how he'd ended up there, but he'd managed to walk there sub-consciously. He stared at the old, black-iron arch over the much newer gate. After a moment, he pushed it open and went to go find his favorite tombstone. It was one of his, and though he didn't really have that many, this was one of the early ones. They'd told him it was been very simple at first- nothing more than a piece of wood at first, but after about six months of him gone… they replaced it. It was the nicest he'd ever gotten.
It was pretty. Very simple, yet elegant. He rested his back against the cold, smooth stone, and ran his fingers across the words again. The only date that was on it was his birthdate. He touched it for a moment, wondering if he was really born then, or if the Kenny who was really born on that date was different? Was he the same Kenny, just reincarnated a thousand times for no reason, or a different Kenny with the same name and face and memories? A replacement, not a reincarnation? He wondered on it, and sighed.
I really shouldn't try to be deep with life; I'll just end up thinking about killing myself again… He thought sadly, and let his head lean back against the stone, too, closing his eyes. The dead silence was comforting to him, much better than the boiling argument he'd been in. What was it about, anyway? He couldn't remember, and it hadn't been more than twenty minutes ago.
He let the silence wrap itself around him, then let a little lyrical angst build up inside him as well.
"Selfish...?
Am I selfish cuz I'm all alone
Or am I selfish cuz of who I left back home?
Oh, Selfish…"He paused, letting out a short, mournful sigh. But it came back, bubbling forth and telling him what to say.
"Do you call me selfish cuz I'm singing in the dark
All alone in this god forsaken park,
What makes me selfish? Why are you judging me?
Trust me there's more to this situation than you'll ever see…
Or maybe, just maybe you call me selfish because I am
I guess, yeah, probably so, Whatever, I don't know but damn" Kenny coughed, suddenly remembering how cold it was tonight. He'd probably die of hypothermia… but he felt too sad to care. He kept singing.
"It just doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem fair
That I have to sing in the dark since nobody cares
About poor old Kenny,
Who's died too many…" He choked, hating to say it even to himself.
"…Too many times for him to be worth it
Poor old Kenny who's just sick, sick, sick…
I don't wanna die anymore
I don't know what I'm living for-
I'm not just dying the way you see
I'm dying deep inside of me
I broke a heart that's not gonna heal
And I think I might want to die for real,
Why am I alive if I just want to die?
Well I'll tell you, since I've still got to say goodbye,
It's cuz I didn't want to be selfish anymore
But since I don't know what I'm living for
Oh, who am I kidding? Know this instead-
I'm not so selfish since I'm already dead." Kenny didn't move from his spot on the headstone, because he knew how cold it was, and he could barely feel his legs. And it wasn't too long before he did end his day by dying there, cold and unnoticed in a graveyard beside his own headstone.
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Draik: So, Kenny, how was your day? :D
Kenny: ;____;
Draik: Oh, yeah.
Kyle: When the hell did I turn into such a BASTARD? God, Kenny, I'm sorry. D:
Kenny: Boohoo, I'm emo now!
Draik: Sheddup. Your just easily distressed! Anyway, you'll get over it tomorrow.
Kenny: I will? What the hell, am I bipolar or something?
Draik: I dunno. Maybe…
Stan: Dude, don't give her any ideas. She already made you cheat on me with wen- wait a minute, why did I get back up with Wendy?
Draik: Un… It helped the plotline.
Kyle: Does this even HAVE a plotline?!
Kenny: I think the point is to get me dead. =_=
Stan: No no, I think it's her weird idea of 'dark fluff!' using dark situation to make fluffy ones appear…
Kenny: That's pretty fucked up right there.
Kyle: I think she's a kinda fucked up chick. 0.o
Draik: I- Yeah, no comment.
Kenny: Hay! Don't be emo, crazy person! Dance! Dance as the wind!
Draik: Um… okay! *dances*
*cue giant happy funtime dance party of love and rainbows and YAY*
-Also, I would like to thank the AMAZING and WONDERFUL Caturday (yesyes go look him up now) for the faithful review. :D Love ya'!
PS- did you ever PASS notes in high school?! Those things don't follow conventional rules of society! They have little random bits of text going sideways and slanting and both sides and all over the place to fit it in. DX
-I would ALSO also (lol) like to thank the be-a-utimus Broflove for the nice long review. ;D It made my day! You're made of awesome. X3
PS- Whaaaaa? I'm being corrected all over the place now. DX First I find out they're actually NINE now in the series and now I can't spell Kyle's last name? OH NOES D:
THANK YOU FOR READING! PLEASE REVIEW LOVE YOU ALL YAY~!