Title: I'll Always Be Right There
Author: AbayJ aka Ashley Marie
Rating: T - M(Language, Sexual Situations.)
Disclaimer: I own nada, Whatever It Takes belongs to Leona Lewis.
Genre: Drama/Angst/AU/Romance/Songfic
Fandom: Journey
Summery: Nothing could bring her back, at least that was she believed but that was before she read the headline.
Author's Note: The next chapter in this. I really hope this will be ending soon, I think it will be. Mostly because this is the only story I've been able to get a whole chapter down without giving up.
Whatever It Takes
People say love
Comes and goes, but
They don't understand
I slowly walked to my room, taking a breath as I laid down on my bed. A photo album tight in my hand before I lay it next to me. Flipping open the first page, I bit my lip as I looked at the first picture. It was the picture Carly had taken on that first Christmas we spent together. I traced the outline of his face. Remembering how easy it had been then. Sonny hadn't know about us, AJ didn't either, it had just been me and him. Alone. In our secret place. Only Carly suspecting, me and him enjoying each other before everything got so complicated.
I bit my lip and flipped the next page, looking at the picture he had taken of me with Michael, Michael's head buried against my neck as I had my arms wrapped around the boy. This was before I had been banned from the boys life by my brother. Before I had lost all my family in less then a year. First Sonny, then Jason, and then finally the boys. I shake my head, the tears slowly tracing a pattern down my cheeks. It hadn't been fair.
Flipping the next page, I saw the picture of me and him the day before the wedding that wasn't. The day the end had probably truly began. Carly had snapped it right before she had dragged me away from Jason, the bride and groom, she had said, could not see each other before the wedding. Bad luck, she had said. Maybe that was what cursed us, maybe if I hadn't seen him that day our life would had changed. I shake my head with another sigh, silly old wives tales.
And finally, the picture I had almost not wanted to see, the wedding picture. It was, unlike the others, bent and creased. Tear stains stained it and creases turned down each edge. It was less then 6 years old and yet, looked about 30. I laughed, that sounded more like a sob as I picked it up. Thumbing it softly. Putting a few new edges and creases in it. It had been beautiful, those few precious days before our lives had been ruined. By my brother, by my sister-in-law, by the man who had been obsessed with her, by a baby, and finally by us. Pulling so far away until there had been nothing left but the one thing, the one thing we had promised never to do to each other, lies.
What they don't know
Cause, what I feel starts
I swallowed, pushing past the thick ball of pain that was lodged in my throat. It really wasn't fair, to have love and lost so much. Without a fight, or at least, not a good one. A simple lie, had broken us. The lie about Sam's baby. He had promised never to lie and he had. My heart had broke, because I had believed she could give him the ONE, the ONE thing I couldn't. And the one thing I wanted nothing more to give him.
Slamming the book shut, I fling it across the room with wedding picture following it. "Dammit to hell!" I mutter. The palms of my hands going to my eyes.
I had been over him, I had been satisfied with my life in Paris, with my son. With my career. But here I was, in Port Charles, still loving the one man who I had gave my entire self too.
"Fuck." I whispered and laid back on the bed and closed my eyes against the memories. The pain and everything else that filtered around me.
Deep inside
It's planted like a seed
That springs into life
They say it's not right
The sun light was woke me up first and then it was the sound of something quacking. I jerked up right in the bed. Scrubbing my eyes with force and felt the tear stains right beneath them. Crusty. Shaking my head, I looked at the window. Seeing it was obviously late in the morning and then at my son who was laying on his stomach. Oblivious to my waking as he watched some cartoon show in Spanish. Of course, he probably understood every word, my Nanny Isabella had taught him Spanish along with French.
"What time is it baby?" I asked with a sigh and look out the window again. Not believing how long I had slept, then again, it had been nearly two in the morning before I had fallen into the fitful sleep.
"Es mediodÃa, mama." he said easily. Luckily I had listened enough to his lessons that I knew that it meant it was noon. I had slept past his breakfast and past his lunch. Guilt came over me and I quickly move to lay next to him. On my stomach as well.
"I'm so sorry baby, you must be starving." I say and kiss the top of his head and he giggled slightly.
"No mama, Jason fed me." I jerked up as his words assaulted me and I I quickly sat up. There was no way Jason was here. He must had dreamed that, but when I heard a voice call my son's name, I gasped softly.
"Marky, let's not wake Mommy." His soft voice floated into the room, and then he was by the door, staring at me. I looked up at him, knowing I must look frighting but before I could say a word, Marky was speaking for me.
"Mama's already up!" He said excitedly and runs over to where Jason was. Jason didn't lift him, probably because of his hands, but he knelt down so he was eye level with Marky.
"I see that, did you tell her you ate?" He asked and looked at the boy with such an easy smile and familiarity it made my heart ache. This was what I had dreamed about so many years ago. A child with Jason. A little boy who he would love and show him everything he knew and so many things he never would.
And we move too fast
But they don't know the meaning
Of what we have
"Ma Maman semble triste." He mummer-ed in French easily. Jason seemed to follow it though but before he could say a word, I was by both of them. Placing a hand on my Son's shoulder.
"What are you doing here Jason?" I asked quietly, I felt more then saw Marky's gaze go between us and I felt like a giant with Marky's small stature and Jason stooping but I made no movement. Watching Jason's face intently, just as intently as he stared back.
"I told you I'd be back...." He says and I shake my head. He hadn't. Then again, I had cut him off. But he would been saying that, of course not. My conscious and my head did a battle. My head won at as it usually did.
Letting go of my son's shoulder, I give him a smile. "Why don't you run out and watch TV in the living room." I asked him and he huffed, as if he wanted to stay to see what was said between Jason and I. Wanting to observe the odd scene. There had been no men in my life since he was born. Self preservation was only part of the reason for that. The other part of it had been I didn't want to give my son a chance to love someone, when I knew it would never be more then casual dating. I doomed to that for the rest of my life.
Once he was safely out of ear shot, I looked at Jason. Glad he had moved to his full height and I no longer felt like an imposing giant. His hand reached out to my face, softly going to my cheek. "Rough night?" he asked but before he gave me chance to answer, he answered for me. "Me too, though I didn't quite throw pictures around and destroy a photo album."
He voice was teasing and I fought back against the smirk. He had no idea what I had been through last night. RealizI had fallen for him all over again. Just as I had began to finally get over him fully. "Damn you," I whisper, the pain coloring my voice. Making it horse. "Damn you for getting hurt, damn you for being you, and damn you for making me love you!" The last words were to loud and he looked at my surprised. As if I had grew another head.
Maybe I had, because surely that hadn't been me. I didn't sound that needy. That desperate. The passionate. Did I?
"I..." He breaks off and before I could move back. Put some distance between us, I felt his lips crashing on mine. Hard, punishing, needy, and passionate. Just like our first and last kiss. My arms went around his neck, pushing my body closer to his. Feeling as if he broke the kiss I would die. I would loose whatever I had left of myself and fall into the black hole of despair I had just drug myself out of before reading the headline.
My tongue reaching out, his met mine and his arms were locked around my waist. Like steal bars. Keeping me, or trapping me. Depending which organ you were asking. My head or my heart. My head was all sirens, all warnings, all the while my heart was dancing. Singing a song. Telling me to move closer, let the kiss get deeper, and don't give up again.
Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind
To what other people say
Finally, his lips let go of mine. Both of us gasping for air. "It's still the same." He mummers and I looked up at him. Not sure what he meant, or even if I understood his words completely. His voice sounded far away in my mind. Still reeling from the kiss. "I've always been able to cut off my emotions. I did it with Sam when she broke my heart, I did it with Elizabeth after this last try, but I can't with you. I can hide it, I can put it in a box, but as soon as you are here. Kissing me, the box breaks. Everything comes flowing out and it's a rush. It's the best high and the best downward spiral, and only you make me feel like this. You, no one else. You."
My eyes dampened with tears and I knew exactly what he meant. Because it felt the same way with him. I could let people go, people who were bad for me, or I was bad for. With Jason though, I couldn't let go. I held on. Held on to all the emotions that I thought I had let go as soon as I left Port Charles. But I hadn't, hid them in a box that hadn't been strong enough to hold to them all. That had cracked when he first touched me and that had broke when he kissed me. "I know...God I know." I whispered.
Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in our way
His lips bent down towards mine again and mine reached up for his. Needing his kiss like I needed air but before his lips touched mine, I felt a vibration. It was his cell phone against my left hip. I felt the sigh break out of us both. Sharing the same breath. "Dammit." He cursed beneath his breath. He didn't break contact though. He kept one awkward hand around me, his arm still binding me to him, as he dug out the phone. Clasping it hard, though I knew he didn't feel it. He was doing well. Flipping it open, and nearly throwing it as he does, he cursed again.
I reached out, clasping my hand over his. Slowly taking it with my hand. I had the urge to throw it against the wall, but I pressed it again his ear with ginger care. His cheeks blushed and I know he felt awkward letting me help him, but he didn't push me away. I gave him a small smile.
When you're far and
We're apart
I'm really missing you
I wanna be where you are
"Morgan." He said carefully. Masking his breathless voice, his desire, and all the pent of need we both felt. The things that colored both of our voices, making us horse. He covered it, nearly, but I still heard it.
"Jason, thank God. Jake's sick." I felt my gut tense as I heard the familiar voice and his arm quickly drop mine. Replacing his hand over mine and taking a few steps back. His felt so far away already, and a shiver shook me. My teeth reached out to worry my bottom lip.
"What's wrong?" He asked quickly, worry replacing all the desire in his voice. "No, no calm down." He mummer-ed, this time in a calming tone. "I'll be there in a second."
I had turned away, walking to the window. My heart cracking. Knowing what his had been about. I had heard rumors, and then facts from Carly during our most recent conversations. She had been angry at the fact he had a child with Elizabeth, and I couldn't blame her. The feeling made me want to run to the nearest bathroom.
I heard his steps walk behind me, and I turned my head over shoulder. My smile weak. "You have to go. I understand."
And if you're lost
I'm gonna find you
'Cause without you
I'll break down and cry
"Are you sure?" His voice seemed worried. I wanted to pretend that worry was for me, but that was wrong. I knew who it was for. It was for her. Closing my eyes tightly against the onslaught of pain and quickly turned my head before he saw the tears. Swallowing past the huge lump of pain in my throat.
"Of course. Your son needs you." I could see his reflection in the window and his expression would almost be comical if it didn't hurt so bad. "Go Jason, hurry."
He nodded though, reaching out to touch my shoulder, and I sighed and then gasp as it was gone as fast as it came. He walked out of my room and then out the door. Hearing the door shut after the goodbye to Marky. Quickly wiping the stray tears, I turned and walked to the door. Seeing Marky at the TV.
"Stay there Marky okay, Mama's going to grab a quick shower." He looks up at me and nods. Giving me a smile that warms me, even with the pain so full in my chest, his smile chipped away. And for the ten billionth time since Marky had been born, I thanked whatever star I had wished on to get him.
"Mama? Will Jason be back?" He asked just as I turned my back and I don't turn around because of the fresh spring of tears that assaulted my eyes.
And you know why
I wanna surround you
With all my love
"I hope so baby." I whispered before the new large ball emotion choked off my words. I quickly walked to my bathroom after that. Glad he didn't ask anymore questions. Wanting nothing more to lean against the door and give into the emotions for what seemed like the tenth time since coming back to this godforsaken place.
I don't though, knowing if Marky heard me, he'd worry. So I pushed myself further into the room. Taking off pieces of clothing as I go along. Noticing I was still in my clothes from last night. I shake my head softly. I finally dropped my panties to the floor and bent over. Turning the water onto hot. Not even turning the cold dial.
Stepping into the too hot water, I let it pelt my back as I finally let go. Tears steaming down my cheeks unstopped. The water drowning at the sobs that made me hold onto the wall, or I would have sank down to my knees. "Dammit." I whisper in between sobs.
Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind
To what other people say
Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in my way
Ma Maman semble triste - My Mom looks sad.
A/N: I'm thinking of making the next chapter from Jason's POV. I'm not sure yet. Let me know if you'd like to hear his point of view about what is going on with He and Courtney.