Summary: He thought she hated him. She thought she was just bragging rights. He kept missing his chances. She was running away scared. A story of love that follows Lily and James from 6th year until graduation. R/R!
Disclaimer: So no one sues me, I'm not JKR, I could never compare to JKR and you all know that. She is the almighty goddess of all things Harry Potter/magic. Her riches are not mine. Enjoy!
Song Credit – Here With Me by Dido.
To both James and Lily's surprise, their tutoring truce lasted for two weeks without mishap. Of course they only met twice a week for one hour (between Gina's manic Quidditch practices and Lily's hectic helpfulness it was difficult to find times that worked for both of them) but the only insults that were exchanged were ones of playful banter. James' heart felt lighter and lighter after each session and even Lily felt especially giddy afterwards and actually found herself looking forward to their next session. They began smiling at each other during classes, waving to each other in the halls, and were seen occasionally playing chess after some tutoring lessons.
All of Hogwarts was buzzing about this newfound friendship. They were so used to blocking all the screams, threats, and jinxes that when the excess noise went quiet, it felt even louder than the fighting and an unknown peace settled like the dust in the castle.
The buzzing turned into a swarm of excited bees in the Great Hall one morning when Lily went over to sit with James at breakfast. Even James and Lily's friends joined in the loud mutterings. Apparently Lily agreed to sit with James and his friends during meal times (with Rita and Aurelia following without complaint for various reasons) to give James extra help because, as Lily said, "he really is just not grasping this advanced work."
"Of course I'm acting a little dumber than normal," James told Sirius, throwing out a Jelly-Legs Jinx at a 4th year that was staring. "I mean I want to keep seeing Lily and twice a week is not enough. If I just had more time with her under the pretense of studying, she might fall for me."
Sirius nodded in understanding as they turned a corner and traveled down a staircase. "I don't know how you tricked her into sitting with us though, that's – Tarantallegra! – bloody brilliant."
James shrugged while admiring Sirius' handiwork on a 7th year Slytherin girl. "I didn't trick her, I just told her this was really difficult and I thought we needed to schedule more sessions. But our personal timetables are too full, so she offered to sit with me at meal times so I could grasp the concept of potion making instead of practicing the mixing like we normally do. Rictusempra! It's no picnic, I'm not used to humbling myself."
A 5th year Ravenclaw began to laugh uncontrollably and Sirius chuckled appreciatively. To show their "power" and flex their testosterone, James and Sirius randomly hexed students in the halls in attempt to send the message they're not to be crossed. This cursing spree began in first year yet did not occur as often as it used to for Peter usually became way overexcited and Remus heavily disapproved. Last year he got so angry he docked points off his own house for it. So James and Sirius had to do it when they were by themselves, which wasn't often.
"Well, I never thought I'd say this," Sirius paused as he flicked his wand and a boy was suspended by his ankles, "but Remus truly is a genius with women."
James laughed. "I told him that but he just said – Avis! Oppugno! – that he knows how idiotic me and Lily are."
"I'll drink to that." Sirius began to curse another innocent bystander when he saw Snape approaching from behind out of the corner of his eye.
Sirius whipped around and James followed, both pulling their wands simultaneously. Snape copied them and they stood silent for a moment, glaring at each other. "Trying a cowardly attack from behind Snivellus?" James spat, holding his wand higher.
People still in the area scattered quickly so if a jinx went astray they would not be victims, but the three boys didn't break eye contact to watch them flee. Snape's lip curled and he muttered, "If I remember correctly, it was the two of you who pulled wands first."
Sirius let out a cruel bark-like laugh. "Self defense, Snapey, we didn't want any grease flung at us as you passed."
Snape raised his wand but James was faster. "Densaugeo!"
Snape stumbled back a bit as his teeth began to grow alarmingly quickly. But he reversed the spell and shouted "Langlock!" with his wand pointed at Sirius.
Sirius shouted, "Protego!" and then yelled, "Locomotor Mortis!"
But Snape threw up his own shield and raised his wand to say another hex. Before he could, James and Sirius nodded to each other and yelled, "Furnunculus!"
"What the hell is going on?" a voice said sharply from the staircase.
"Oh no," James and Sirius muttered in unison. Snape took advantage of the distraction and shouted, "Expelliarmus!"
James and Sirius were flung backwards and their wands flew to Snape's feet. Snape raised his wand once more but before he could utter another curse a loud bang erupted through the hallway as Lily sent ropes to bind James, Sirius, and Snape.
"You were cursing innocent bystanders and then you start another battle with Snape?" Lily yelled, coming down the staircase and stopping in front of James.
"We pulled wands at the same time!" James said, agitated. "How come you never accuse Snape?"
"Lily opened her mouth to retort but before she could there was a squeal so high pitched dogs could've heard it miles away. "Siri-poo! What happened?" Parul came running towards the tied up Sirius, tears welling up in her eyes as she dropped beside him and cradled his head in her lap. James began laughing and Parul glared at him, then Lily because she had her wand drawn. "What did you do to him?" she asked Lily.
"They were dueling in the hallways and I had to separate them," Lily said simply.
"That's Siri-poo's passion! It's – be quiet James! – what he loves to do!" Parul cried as Sirius looked up at her with puppy dog eyes; he looked as if he was thoroughly enjoying her sympathy.
Lily snorted in disgust. "What he loves doing? Oh, besides you, I suppose."
"Burn!" James yelled while laughing.
Parul screeched, yanked out her wand and aimed it at Lily. A white light shout out of it and Lily spun like a tornado through the air, landing hard on the staircase. She stood shakily and then looked up, eyes blazing. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw for cursing a prefect! Ten from Snape, Potter, and Black for dueling in the halls and ten from Potter and Black for jinxing defenseless people!" And with that, Lily stormed away.
"Lily! They weren't defenseless! They had wands! Lily!" James called as the hem of her robe whipped around a corner. "Untie me someone!" James yelled.
"Hmph," Parul said as she unbound Sirius. "You laughed at me earlier."
"I've got it, mate," Sirius said as he stood and sliced the tip of his wand along the side of the ropes before James could keep yelling. James shook the ropes off and hurried after Lily. "I thought he was smarter than that," Sirius said sadly while shaking his head. "Always give them space.
Parul hmph-ed again and then began attacking Sirius with kisses as if she were healing boo-boos. They walked off, leaving a boil-covered Snape on the ground, wiggling against his constraints and trying desperately to reach for his wand.
Lily refused to accept James' very insincere apologies and lame, one-sided excuses for why he did what he did. "Look, Potter," she finally said, "I can't respect or be around someone who hurts innocent people for no reason except sport." She paused, surveying him. "Until you learn to grow up, I'm afraid I can't keep tutoring you."
James groaned. "But Lily, I've been doing so much better since you've been helping and my grades still aren't anywhere close to passing."
"Then you better spend less time pranking and more time studying," Lily replied, walking up to the girl's dormitories.
"I do study! I just don't get it!" he called after her, but Lily just ignored him.
Three Potions lessons later James was utterly fed up and his work reflected his carelessness immensely. James tried his best to push Lily out of his thoughts during other times but Potions was too much hers. He recalled their short friendship, the jokes they shared, the chats they had, and a little of this and that she taught him regarding potion making. Lily was an excellent teacher and James had learned more from her than he did from Slughorn, but James had been just too elated that Lily was friendly to focus on schoolwork.
"You have half an hour left, make sure you are at least to line seventeen of the instructions," Slughorn called from his desk and James grunted. His potion was completely black with thick purple smoke rising from the surface – it was supposed to be dark blue with silver smoke.
On the other side of the room Lily was stirring her potion six clockwise turns and three counter-clockwise turns. It turned dark blue and her grey smoke turned silvery. Smiling, she removed her stirring rod and extinguished the fire under her cauldron, sitting back and enjoying the victory of another perfect potion.
A loud hissing filled the room and Lily looked for the cause of it, her heart sinking a little to find James looking extremely frustrated with a potion that was spitting sparks and looking ready to explode. She glanced at Slughorn – he was busy grading essays.
I'm not going to help him, Lily thought to herself, I'm still mad at him.
That potion is going to kill someone; another voice argued inside of her, I need to put it right before his cauldron collapses.
Glancing once more to make sure Slughorn was busy; Lily crept over to where James was sitting as they were at individual desks today. "Do you need help?" Lily asked, hiding at the corner of the desk furthest away from Slughorn.
James glimpsed at her from the corner of his eye, his hand wandering vainly over ingredients. "Isn't that a little obvious?" James let out an irritated sigh. "It doesn't matter, this thing's ruined."
Sympathy for James that was only discovered since tutoring him wound it's way into her heart and Lily touched his shoulder gently. "No, I think we can salvage it enough to get a good grade. What line did it start going wrong?"
James looked at her again before searching the blackboard. "About line four – don't look at me like that, I told you I'm rotten at this."
Sighing, Lily began quickly adding ingredients, consulting the blackboard and James' copy of Advanced Potion-Making. Every now and then she would give James instructions to add this, slice that, stir more. Soon the potion was royal blue with grey steam, very close to the required result.
"Keep stirring it counter clockwise until it turns a darker blue," Lily instructed in whispers, leaning against the wall to support herself. "You really messed up this potion, James," Lily added inquisitively, "You must've been wrong about at least seven ingredients—"
It took all James had to nod his head in understanding. Despite the fact he had been on cloud nine for the past ten minutes she had been helping him and that his heart leapt for joy when he was called James instead of the usual Potter, he had to completely concentrate on the cauldron for Lily's skirt had slid dangerously far up her leg when she had leaned against the wall and most of her thigh was exposed. Her melodic voice that usually entranced James was a dull murmur because the blood pounding in his ears was making it hard to hear anything at all. And even though the rational side of him was screaming "KEEP LOOKING AT THE CAULDRON!" his teenage hormones controlled him and James chanced a long look at Lily's exposed skin.
The pounding in his ears hadn't quieted (in fact, it seemed to have gotten louder) but James registered the fact that Lily had stopped talking. Looking up from her perfect skin, James saw Lily's eyes had narrowed in anger. "Go on," James said, putting on the sexiest grin he could muster as he ruffled his hair out of habit.
Lily shifted her weight to her knees and James watched sadly as her skirt moved back into place. Big mistake, you wanker, James thought to himself as his gaze darted back into Lily's fiery eyes. "What was I just saying, James?" Lily asked in a low, would be calm voice.
Gulping and trying to ignore how hot she was when she was pissed, James replied, "Well, it was something about potions I expect."
With a scoff, Lily slammed her fists on the dungeon floor angrily as James inched as far back as he could on his seat, looking scared for his health. "You were practically drooling. I can't believe I ever tried to help you," Lily spat and stomped back to her seat.
James was just about to call after her when Slughorn clapped his hands together and said merrily, "Time's up! Please carefully bottle up your potions and place them on my desk."
Mentally slapping himself for what a complete imbecile he was, James angrily grabbed his phial and scooped the potion in, quickly putting it on Slughorn's desk. He had to catch Lily before Charms and apologize for being, well, a guy. James hastily cleaned his area, shoving ingredients in his bag as he kept one eye on Lily the whole time. She seemed to be in an even greater rush then James was.
Just his luck, Lily was the first out the door and James wasn't even halfway done picking up his stuff. "Sirius!" James called to the back of the room. Sirius stopped muttering about how all potions despised his existence and looked up. "Can you clean up my stuff and get my bag? I have a Code Jade situation." Sirius nodded his head, understanding the code the created over the summer signaling James had to make up for something stupid he did to Lily.
Shooting Sirius the thumbs up sign, James decked out of the classroom and down the corridor he was sure Lily had taken. He saw her shining locks a few yards ahead, almost jogging to the entrance hall. "Lily!" James called, but she didn't slow her pace. "Lily! I need to say something!" James said, catching up with her and grabbing her arm.
But Lily jerked out of his grasp and turned to face him, yelling, "No, I will not!"
For once, James looked genuinely confused. "What?"
"You heard me. Quit trying to ask me out James, it's never going to happen," Lily said, glaring at him.
"I wasn't going t—"
Lily interrupted him. "I don't want to hear excuses. You keep telling me you've changed and that you would do anything to be with me. I go out on a limb and try to be your friend. But you know what James?" Lily said, advancing on him, "You haven't changed at all. You're still the same arrogant, bullying jerk that I've known since I was eleven. All you think about is what's best for you and all you want is bragging rights that you've been with every girl in Hogwarts. And I refuse to be another notch on your bedpost. I hope that penetrates through your think head." Lily finished, flicking his skull and attempting to go around James.
But James grabbed her elbow to stop her. He shook his head, disbelieving, then looked into her face; Lily stopped trying to wiggle away. "You actually believe those rumors? Is that why you won't give me chance, because you have this pre-conceived notion in your head that all I want to do is get in your pants, then dump you and brag about it?" James asked, failing to conceal the hurt in his voice.
Sighing, Lily replied, "How I am supposed to ignore them when you go along with every single one?" They both stared at each other for a long while until Lily was finally released from his grip.
"Fine," James muttered, quietly, "If that's what you truly believe, then I'll leave you alone." Lily stared at him, her expression unreadable. "Have a good weekend Lily," James said quietly, then walked off slowly. The bell rang but Lily just stood there, running what James had said over in her mind. Was he really going to stop bothering her?
Although this thought should've cheered her up greatly, his words left Lily with an empty feeling as she rushed off to Charms.
James never made it to his next class; instead he headed up to Gryffindor Tower and went up the boy's staircase to his dormitory. He ripped off his robe in frustration and fell on his bed, letting out an irritated growl. James grabbed his wand out of his pocket and flicked it at the radio. A song he wasn't familiar with came through the speakers.
I didn't hear you leaveI wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Even though Lily had said those same words many times to James, for some reason this time it hurt him. Well, his ego was always stripped whenever she called him out, but today her hate left him with an ache inside his chest.
Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
He didn't even know why he kept being this arrogant asshole to show off. James' father always told him to be proud of his talents, and that's what James had always thought he was doing; just being proud he's bloody amazing at Quidditch and really clever. But now he realized somewhere along the way pride turned to arrogance and he really was this jerk that bullied those who were weaker and wanted admiring Quidditch fans to worship the ground he walked on.
And I won't go
I won't sleep
And I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
And I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
Now James did know what he really wanted, Lily. He thought he wanted tons of girls begging for a chance with him, but it's really been Lily all along. Since the sorting ceremony his first year, James has been absolutely smitten with Lily. I've always wanted her…James thought to himself. Back when he was eleven, the way to show a girl you liked her was by picking on her, and that's just what James did. She always got so damn cute when she was hopping mad. What James didn't do was grow up; there comes a point where jokes don't cut it anymore and the way to make a girl see was to turn into a new age Romeo.
I don't want to call my friendsFor they might wake me from this dream
And I don't want to leave this bed
And risk forgetting all that's been
Why didn't he listen to Remus all those times? James rarely took his advice and usually ignored him. Sirius had influenced his behavior greatly, but that didn't matter, he shouldn't have been so much of an arrogant show-off. All he wanted to do was impress her and make her fall for him, like he fell for her, but he had no clue how to go about it.
Oh I am what I amI do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I love her, James realized with a start. He didn't see it before, but now he knew. James Potter loved Lily Evans. That's why Lily has been his obsession for the past six years. Before he never knew why he had to have her, but now it was clear. It was no infatuation, James loved her. He tried to find another girl just like her, but there was no one. She was so unique, so amazing…
"I'm going to change," James said to himself, "I'm done being egotistical, I'm not going to hurt anyone else, I will change and she'll notice." James put his head in his hands. "Even if all we can be is friends, that's okay, I just want her in my life."
It took ten apologies that included Sirius, Remus, Peter, Rita and Aurelia for Lily to resume tutoring James again. It took James' extreme Potions dedication to get Lily to sit with him at meal times again.
"So it's sorta instinct that makes someone good," James said slowly, taking a bit of meat while looking at the notes Lily made. Half the page was on James' leg while the other half was resting on Lily's. James claimed it was because he "could see them better this way" but really James just wanted to be that close to Lily. "Like cooking – the basic recipe is there but to make it rememberable you have to add a pinch of this and a dash of that of your choosing."
Lily chewed thoughtfully on a bite of green beans. "Yes, interesting analogy. Do you cook, James?"
James' cheeks flushed and Sirius snorted. "Does James cook? He's probably the best damn chef I know! Besides his mum, of course."
Parul whined and tugged on Sirius' shirt. "Pay attention to me!"
Lily rolled her eyes and glanced at Rita, who was sitting to her right. Her eyes seemed to be boring into her meal yet they were unfocused. Aurelia was patting her leg reassuringly under the table. Poor Rita, Lily thought, I knew she liked Sirius, but she's never been this upset over any guy.
"That's a good way to put it, James." Parul and Sirius began cooing at each other. "Of course Potions is a little deeper than that – " Parul squealed as Sirius began tickling her and Lily was forced to talk louder. " – a very thorough understanding of ingredients is needed – " now they were sharing loud smacking kisses " – along with the knowledge of what mixes well and what doesn't."
Parul began talking baby talk to Sirius and feeding him bits of the desert that had just appeared on the table. Growling under her breath, Lily turned from an amused James and slammed her hand against the table – Sirius and Parul looked at her blankly. "Do you mind?"
Before either could answer, Rita let out a small sob and ran from the table. Parul seized Sirius' attention while everyone was distracted. "What's wrong?" Remus, James, and Peter all asked at once. Sirius, who was sidetracked with Parul's mouth, didn't realize Rita had left.
"It's not out place to explain," Aurelia said, standing and grabbing Lily's arm. They left the Great Hall, leaving three-fourths of the Marauders in confusion.
"Very good practice," Gina said, leaning on her broom as her team surrounded her. "How we play is all going to depend on what the weather feels like doing, but since our match is in May, I say we're up for pretty good conditions. Rita, you didn't have your usual magic, just work on being the seeker I know you are. Team dismissed."
James looked over at Rita, taking in her lank hair, puffy eyes, and hunched form. Sirius was also looking over at Rita with concern, but James wanted to talk to her alone. "Hey mate, can you take my broom back for me?" James asked Sirius. Nodding, Sirius grabbed James' broom and headed to the changing rooms.
"Hey Rita!" James called as soon as Sirius was out of earshot. Rita stopped walking without looking back as James caught up to her. There was a small silence as they fell in step, heading back to the castle.
"Good practice, eh?" James attempted, but Rita just shrugged in response. "Of course, we can be better, but if Gina says it was good it must've been damn near flawless, yeah?" Rita shrugged again.
Silence ensued once more and James cleared his throat awkwardly. "Listen, Rita," James finally said, "can I be completely candid with you?"
Rita looked at James and shrugged again. "It depends on what you want to be candid about," she croaked, her voice scratchy.
James rubbed the back of his head. "Well, I can, well, really, everyone can tell," Rita winced, "that you've been really upset about something lately. I consider you a friend and friends are supposed to support each other." Rita hung her head. "Is there anything you want to talk about? Cause I'll listen and I won't make any jokes. Promise."
Rita stopped walking and shoved her hands in the pockets of her robes. She opened and closed her mouth a few times as if she was trying to get something out, then finally gave up and shook her head.
After surveying her mute form, James said, "Hmm, well then, can I guess what it might be about."
Sniffing, Rita replied, "I'd rather you didn't."
"I'm going to anyway." James grabbed her arm and pulled her along so they could continue walking. "I don't think it's anything about family and I know it's not about Lily or Aurelia because they're with you every second of the day." Rita kept trying to turn away from James. "I think it's about a guy. And I think that guy is Sirius."
Rita once again stopped walking, but this time her expression was not meek or sad. She looked furious. "Who told you? Did Lily? Is she talking behind my back?"
James held his hands up in defense. "No, no, no! It's just obvious when every time he's around you can't stop looking at him and get really upset. And then I realized you always used to flirt with him during practice and now whenever he tries to joke around with you, you ignore him. And your usually good game has been off."
Rita continued to glare at him. "If it's so obvious – " she started, then stopped in mid sentence; the fire had left her eyes and she was sullen once more. "Does he know?"
James shook his head. "Not a clue. He had noticed you've been miserable and keeps wanting to get it out of you. But Remus, Peter, and I have headed him off."
Nodding, Rita replied. "Good." Rita rubbed her eyes wearily. "I've liked him since last year, just so you know. But for some reason this Parul girl has made me so upset, more so than any of the other cows he's dated."
Grinning, James said, "Yeah, I know it. I think he just likes the attention he gets from her. He went through a pretty traumatic family incident over Christmas and I just think he wants devoted love and attention he never got."
"That's deep, I'm impressed," Rita said, showing a small smile that had been hidden for the previous few weeks.
There was another pause in the conversation. James ran a hand through his hair. "If you want, I can talk to him – "
"No," Rita interrupted. "Sorry, but I don't want him to know anything yet."
James nodded in understanding, then patted her comfortingly on the back. "Parul won't last long. I promise."
Rita sighed. "I know…the thing that bothers me is she's just lasted longer than any other."
Sirius we need to talk," James said, walking over to the table in the common room where Sirius sitting with a book and parchment, Remus and Peter were right behind him.
Sirius quirked his eyebrow irately without looking up. "What's today's date?"
"The 31st of March, but don't change the subject," Remus said soundly. "There is a certain girl we need to talk to you about."
Sighing, Sirius set down his quill and turned to his friends, crossing his arms. "Lily?" he tried vainly.
Peter shook his head. "Parul." Sirius groaned. "You know this has been coming," Peter squeaked, sitting across from Sirius.
"We don't like her at all, Sirius," Remus said plainly.
"Well you haven't made that apparent," Sirius said sarcastically.
"We can't stand to be around her another second and, quite frankly, we don't get how you can either," James said.
Sirius stood angrily. "What I don't get is why you guys don't like her."
"There are many reasons, but it would take far too long to go down the list," Remus said.
"We're not trying to tell you to break up with her or anything," Peter said.
"But just don't hang around her as much or tell her to tone down the affection," James said.
"And her laugh."
"And feeding you."
Remus held up his hand. "We're not getting into the list."
"Just please Sirius," James said. "We might stab her with a butter knife tomorrow, acceptance only goes so far."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "There is nothing wrong with the way she acts. And if you don't like it, then you can just not be around me when I'm with her."
"Can't you be a little understanding?" Peter asked.
Snorting, Sirius began walking away. "I understand perfectly," he said over his shoulder, walking up the boy's dormitory stairs. A moment later a door slammed.
Sighing, Remus sat down. "That didn't go as well as planned."
"We were a bit harsh," Peter said.
"Harsh?" James spat. "That's called truth, I don't know why he doesn't see that stupid pillock for what she is."
Author Notes: Real quick, I know you're not allowed to add lyrics, but I credited the artist and the song. I love music and every song has an untold story behind it. This one fit, as do many others (like Just the Girl by Click Five haha). Anyway, if someone reports this and this story gets removed, DON'T GIVE UP! My first story, Hogsmeade Kiss, was removed twice and the second time I only had seven or so chapters left. I was so mad and I always lose a bunch of readers because they thought I deleted it because FF usually won't let me post for two weeks or so and then I have to repost all the chapters, which takes a bit. So just in case this gets removed, please just hang tight and don't give up, it will be back up as soon as I am allowed.
Anywho, onto other news. I was very proud of myself for getting this chapter out in a quicker fashion than usual. I spent all of last weekend at the lake writing this in a notebook and I got through most of it and added a bunch of new scenes. The whole song section was a random scene I wrote a long time ago (during Hogsmeade Kiss) that inspired this whole story. I kept re-reading it and it seems like it doesn't quite fit, but I did the best I could with it (I'm the worst editor lol).
Just so you know, don't expect a new chapter out anytime before Deathly Hallows or shortly thereafter. For the next two weeks I have 8-hour days out in the sun for color guard in Missouri humidity (blah) and I will be exhausted when I get home. Then I'll be mourning after reading the book and it might take a while for me to get energy to write.
But you know how you can motivate me to get a chapter out fast? REVIEW!