Summary: He thought she hated him. She thought she was just bragging rights. He kept missing his chances. She was running away scared. A story of love that follows Lily and James from 6th year until graduation. R/R!
Disclaimer: So no one sues me, I'm not JKR, I could never compare to JKR and you all know that. She is the almighty goddess of all things Harry Potter/magic. Her riches are not mine. Enjoy!
Song Credit: "I'll See it Through" by Texas and "Good Enough" by Evanescence.
James froze in mid-step, fury the reason why his muscles could no longer function properly – all they could do was tighten in rage. A few people still lingering late in the library were staring at him, but James didn't care. All he cared about was why Lily was sitting with Severus Snape.
They were in the darkest corner of the library where the smallest two-person tables were. Those are my tricks, James thought as his body shook. Snape was leaning in as close as he could, pointing at something in Lily's book. Lily smiled reassuringly and began explaining whatever he had asked. James stood at the library entrance, not knowing how long he silently watched the girl he wanted and the bloke he hated smiling at each other, talking, laughing…
Eventually Snape packed his things away and stood, shaking her hand in thanks. Lily smiled and Snape walked towards the doors, slowing as he passed James. "Potter…" he muttered disdainfully, but James didn't respond. He couldn't even look at Snape – he kept his eyes on Lily.
When Snape finally left the library, whatever was binding him to the spot released him and James stumbled a little his first few steps towards Lily. She smiled the same smile she had given to Snape moments before as James approached, but the smile faltered with the look on James' face. "Is something wrong?" Lily asked as James slammed his books on the table, receiving a "Shhh!" from Madam Pince.
"Yeah," James replied, still standing. "Why the hell were you with Snape?"
Lily looked surprised with his comment and tried to hold back her laughter. James was jealous. "A couple weeks ago he asked for my help in Charms. Don't worry, though, I don't tutor him as much as I tutor you," Lily joked.
James ran an angry hand through his hair. "What about him calling you names?"
Shrugging, Lily said, "He apologized sincerely and promised to never do it again."
"I think he fancies you," James said irately as if it helped his case.
"Doubt it," Lily said coolly. "And even if he did, so what? I don't like him like that."
"But he's a Slytherin!" James whined.
Glaring slightly, Lily said, "Slytherins aren't all bad, you need to lose your house prejudices. Now sit so we can get started."
Still upset, James sat down heavily and opened a book at random. The anger and tension disappeared from the air quickly and a comfortable silence passed between them, which was only interrupted when James asked a question.
"What's wrong?" James asked. For the past twenty minutes Lily had been shifting around in her seat and had just let out an aggravated sigh.
Shaking her head and shifting more, Lily said, "Noth – well, my legs are cramping a little. Do you mind if I stretch them out?"
"Er," James began, but a second later Lily had extended her legs under the small table and rested them on James' lap.
Lily exhaled. "Much better. Thanks."
James' heart rate quickened and, feeling completely stupid for blushing, he wrapped his right under her ankles and adjusted her legs more comfortably on his lap. Lily shot him a small grin and kept writing; James didn't bother to move his hand from the soft skin.
Of course whenever James was in contact with Lily, he began to lose his head. Without really noticing he was doing it, James began slowly stroking Lily's leg, his hand traveling from the skin just above her socks to the underside of her thigh just past her knee.
Just a moment ago Lily's mind was muddled by James' touch that she had been repeatedly writing one word over and over on what was supposed to be her Ancient Runes translations, but now James was charting into dangerous territory and Lily's mind began working again with sudden, sharp clarity. "What are you doing?" Lily asked with a slight, dodgy yet inquisitive smile.
"Hmm?" James asked, looking up from his Potions homework. Then he looked down and seemed to realize what his hand was doing. James yanked it off quickly and stuttered apologetically, "I-I don't know."
Suddenly annoyed, Lily closed her book and gathered her parchment. "I can't believe it. I give you an inch and you took a mile. That's not how it works, James." She stood and began walking away rapidly.
"Shit!" James muttered, not bothering to grab his stuff. "Damnit, Lily!" Even though James was no Seer, he could see himself begging for forgiveness in the future. He quickly caught up to her, grabbed her arm and pulled her into an unoccupied aisle of books.
"Would you mind letting me go?" Lily asked coldly. "I think you've touched me enough for one day."
James obliged and readied himself in case she tried to run, but Lily stayed put. "I know I'm a jerk and I'm sorry for what I did. But, it's just…whenever I'm near you, like really close to you, I just lose myself and I don't think."
He said the last portion in a rush – he had never been so serious with his feelings in front of Lily. James looked nervously away from her, waiting for the crushing let down. But James felt a small, warm hand grasp his chin and turn his face. His eyes met Lily's emerald ones and she smiled beautifully. "That's really sweet," she muttered, moving her hand down to his chest. "And I overreacted, I'm sorry. I – " She took a steadying breath as James moved closer, pinning her slightly against the book case. "I seem to lose my head, just as much as you."
There was a foot of electric space between them. James placed his hands on Lily's waist. He bent his head close to her, their foreheads bumping against each other. "I really, really doubt you get as insane as I do."
Their nose tips touched and James barely heard Professor McGonagall's voice reverberated around the quiet library. But they broke apart immediately when McGonagall said impatiently, "…Lily Evans, I need to find her immediately. Her friends told me she was here – "
"Yes, Minerva," Madam Pince said, "I believe I saw her go down the 'H' authors aisle."
James and Lily jumped apart as if electrocuted and acted like they were searching for a book. James was seriously considering blasting McGonagall back, even if she was his favorite teacher of his favorite subject. He was so close with Lily, so close to kissing her.
"Oh, Miss Evans," McGonagall said, huffing and holding a hand to her heart. "You must come with me, I'm so sorry dear, it's your parents."
James saw Lily's body tense up. "Wh-what about them?" Lily asked, struggling to get the words out.
"They're, they're sick. Very sick. They only have a few hours to live."
Lily's body immediately began to crumple to the floor, but James rushed forward in half a second and caught Lily, lifting her to a somewhat upright position. "Where does she need to go?" James asked McGonagall.
"To the headmaster's office. Can you walk, dear?" McGonagall asked kindly, putting a hand to her arm.
Lily opened and closed her mouth silently for a few moments, then finally shook her head. "I've got you, okay? I've got you." And then, because it seemed like the natural thing to do, James kissed the back of her head.
McGonagall's eyes widened just slightly, then she beckoned James and Lily to follow her. A few moments later James and Lily were standing in front of Dumbledore, who immediately walked over to Lily. "Thank you for your assistance Minerva," Dumbledore said, then put an arm around Lily, who looked like she was still in disbelief and shock. "Now, Lily, you're going to St. Thomas' Hospital, alright? A doctor who is familiar with our kind will be waiting and will fill you in on everything. My deepest sympathies are with you."
Dumbledore threw Floo powder into the fireplace and the flames turned as emerald green as Lily's eyes. Lily gave a stunned look to James, who half smiled sympathetically. Turning towards the fire, Lily stepped in, saying hollowly, "St. Thomas' Hospital."
In a whir of green she left Dumbledore's office and found herself in a basement. A man in a white coat and light blue pants was waiting for her. "Are you Lily Evans?" She nodded. "If you will follow me, I have a lot to explain.
"Your mother worked in a hospice," the doctor began as the made their way through winding hospital halls and Lily noted the doctor was using past tense to describe her mother. "Around November, she contracted a deadly virus from one of her patients. Before Christmas she came for a check up and we found something eating away her heart and lungs. We couldn't figure out what it was. I told her she only had a few months to live."
Lily stopped walking and it took a moment for the doctor to realize she was not beside him. "You mean she knew she was going to die at Christmas and she didn't tell me?"
"That was her personal decision, I can't help you there," the doctor replied, then grabbed her arm gently to keep her moving forward. "Last month she became bedridden and could no longer go to work. Before she quit, she contracted another illness – smallpox, v-major, the deadlier kind.
"Since she had no vaccination and her immune system was already weak, the smallpox acted as epinephrine towards death. Your father began taking care of her and he contracted smallpox. He also did not have a vaccine and didn't realize at first what was wrong until it was too late."
"But – " Lily began, but was interrupted as a nurse rushed over to the doctor she was with.
"Dr. Corvay," the nurse said breathlessly, "it's Mrs. Jennifer Evans, she's gone into shock."
Dr. Corvay run down the hall and Lily followed, just about to turn into the room the doctor had gone into when the nurse stopped her. "I'm sorry honey, you're not allowed in there."
"Why?" Lily cried, trying to look around the nurse into the room whose door was slowly closing. "I'm her daughter!
The nurse looked affronted. "Because she's highly contagious and she's in shock. Doctors and nurses only, dear. Why don't you just go wait with your sister?"
"My sister?" Lily asked, dazed. The nurse pointed around the corner and Lily saw Petunia sitting with a very large, beefy man, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.
Petunia saw Lily approaching quickly and glared at her. "You took your time getting here!" shrieked Petunia. "I've been helping take care of mum for months and you've been off gallivanting at your freak school!"
Eyes filling with tears, Lily turned away from Petunia and realized there was a small window in the door she was not allowed to pass. She dragged a waiting chair to it and stood, looking into the room. Her mother was hidden behind a group of doctors, but soon one ran to get something from across the room and Lily had a view of her mother's midsection and right arm. She looked like she was having a seizure. "Mum!" Lily cried, though she knew her mother couldn't hear her.
But Lily heard the high, long electronic beep and saw her mother lie still and the doctor's hurry come to a complete halt. One woman began writing on a clipboard while another pulled the sheet over her mother's head.
"Petunia!" Lily cried, falling from the chair she was standing on to the floor. "She-she's gone!"
There was a shriek and bawling from Petunia and Lily buried her face in her hands as tears poured out of her eyes. Dr. Corvay came out a moment later, moving the chair aside curiously. "I'm sorry, girls, but your mother has just passed."
Petunia wailed louder, but Lily looked up, tears still pouring out of her eyes. "I want to see my father," she said resolutely.
Dr. Corvay nodded and helped Lily up. Petunia seemed to be lost in a world of her own and didn't even bother to follow.
Of course, Petunia had had time to say goodbye. No one had bothered to write to Lily and tell her what was going on. "They haven't sent me a letter in months," Lily said quietly.
Dr. Corvay pat her shoulder reassuringly. "You understand you won't be able to go in the same room as your father, correct?"
Lily gave a noncommittal twitch of her head. What felt like a second later Lily was standing just outside her father's room. His door had a much bigger window. Her father lay semi-conscious in bed, his face covered in what looked like hundreds of pimples. His heart monitor was barely beeping and irregularly. "Can't you do anything for him?" Lily sobbed, pressing her hand to the glass.
"No," Dr. Corvay said, "He has a matter of minutes."
Removing her hand from the window, Lily placed it over her mouth and sobbed harder. "I love you, daddy," she choked out just as the heart monitor gave one last long beep.
"I'm not living with her!" both girls said at the same time and Lily and Petunia looked at each other in disgust. The lawyer who drew up their parents' last will and testament lowered the paper he was reading from and cleared his throat.
"I'll be of age in two months," Lily said. "I can live with someone else, I am not going with her anywhere."
Sighing, the lawyer said, "We'll have to find and discuss other options. Moving on…"
An hour later the will reading had concluded and Petunia pushed Lily out of the way as she walked out of the kitchen and, a moment later, the front door slammed. Her parent's house had been fully sanitized and it was where the wake would be held tomorrow before the funeral. Then the house would be sold and the girls would split the money for it.
Lily went to the living room and watched the fireplace, not really feeling anything at all, which concerned her. Grief had raked her body the night her parent's died, but when she woke up on a hospital bench the next morning, she was just…numb. Numb, yes, that was the right word for it.
Lily's fireplace lit up green and Aurelia came spinning out of it, clutching two smaller bags filled with enough clothes for Lily and Aurelia. With a small squeal, Aurelia dropped the bags and rushed towards Lily, throwing her arms around her in a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry, Lily. James was the first one to tell us about it, me and Rita were with Remus and Sirius when he walked in. Then Dumbledore came up to me the next day and asked if I wanted to come stay with you for the next few days until you had to go back. Mum and dad are coming tomorrow and they offered to have you stay with us as long as you needed."
Aurelia's words came out hurriedly, but Lily caught every word and smiled gratefully. "Thanks, my parents expected me to live with Petunia. I'll have to talk to the lawyer, but I would love to stay with you."
"Oh, they are calling him now," Aurelia said, giving Lily another squeeze. "They're going to take us and all your stuff home after tomorrow, is that okay?" Lily nodded. Hers and Aurelia's parents really got to know each other through their daughters and Lily knew that Lily living with Aurelia would've been their second choice for a home. Unfortunately they were never close to Rita's parents because they were reclusive and rarely let their daughter visit Lily over breaks. "Do you need to talk about anything?"
Shaking her head and managing a smile, Lily replied. "No, not just yet. I rather hear what's going on at school…I've been gone for three days and I feel like I've missed a lot."
"Well, James has just been going crazy with worry about you," Aurelia said, taking a seat on the couch. "We had to take him to Madam Pomfrey one day to get him to take a Calming Potion."
Lily smiled and, for some odd reason, felt tears well up in her eyes. She shook them off swiftly and said, "That's sweet, but what about you and Remus? And Rita and Sirius? You all were being quite friendly with each other before I left."
Aurelia blushed slightly. "We've been hanging out a lot and talking. I think you could consider me and Remus friends now and I'm just waiting for a right moment to ask him out."
Grinning, Lily said, "Oh Aurelia, that's wonderful. Finally!"
Aurelia laughed. "Yeah, finally. And Rita finally got out of her depression. She told me the other night that she is going to make him wish he were going out with her instead of Fay. Remember how they were flirting before?" Lily nodded. "It's twice as bad, but Sirius is starting to get smitten with her."
Lily laughed and the two girls shared random bits of gossip for the remainder of the evening and Lily was glad for it, for it kept her numbness about her parent's deaths at bay. There were only two things she wished: that Rita was with them also, joking and teasing, and that James Potter would hold her and kiss her head like he did in the library and make everything alright.
"Bloody hell mate, why haven't you talked to her?" Sirius asked, passing a medium sized ball he had conjured to James. "It's been a week and you've just avoided her."
James caught it and flopped back on his pillows, looking at the star strewn sky out his window. "I want to give her space, that's all." He passed the ball to Peter.
"But why?" Peter squeaked, nearly toppling off his bed in fear of the ball that had just zoomed towards him. "I think she would want you near…weren't you guys close to kissing before McGonagall came in?"
Peter passed the ball to Remus, who caught it skillfully with one hand, spinning it silently while James explained, "Yeah, but I think when she's grief stricken she might be really emotional and would get mad at me if I try even the most innocent ways of comforting her."
"Or you might get carried away with how you comfort her," Remus put in wisely, passing the ball to Sirius.
"Here mate," Sirius said, putting the ball down and reaching into the drawers that belonged to his nightstand. He pulled out the Marauders Map and tossed it along with the ball to James. "Find her and go talk to her. Rita's been telling me that Lily wonders aloud about you."
With Sirius' motivational comment, James said, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." Ink lines began crisscrossing across the paper and James waited impatiently for them to finish drawing the school and grounds. It had taken most of James' will power to not go after Lily the moment she got back, but James reasoned she was probably sick of people asking if she was all right. The map finished drawing itself and James lazily tossed the ball to Peter without looking, resulting in Peter winding up sprawled on the floor.
"Weird…" James muttered when he finally found Lily's name. "She's on top of the Astronomy tower."
"Go on, what're waiting for?" Sirius asked. "After the way you acted mental about her while she was gone - "
But James had already left before Sirius could finish his sentence. He wrapped the Invisibility cloak around him and looked at the Map again to make sure she hadn't moved. Lily's name remained motionless in the same spot.
I wonder what it would be like to fly…Lily thought to herself, standing perfectly balanced, unaware James was coming after her. Really fly, not with a broom or animal to support you, but really fly with just yourself.
She opened her eyes and looked down at the grounds from her extremely high view. Lily used to be terrified of heights, but since her parent's death, a lot of things she used to be terrified of simply dissolved away. Like heights, which was why Lily was standing on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower. One false move and I'm dead, she thought, but it didn't faze her that much. She knew she wouldn't fall; she was in control of the situation. Lily had not been in control of her parent's deaths, but this she could control.
"Lily!" said a loud voice behind her, but Lily didn't jump, didn't even look behind her for if she did she would no longer be in control of the situation. "What are you doing? Get down from there!"
James rushed to her side but didn't want to touch her in case it made her fall. She was an impressive figure, standing with her feet together on the ledge, her arms level with her shoulders and her head tilted upwards. "You know James," Lily said quietly, "My mother used to make up bedtime stories about flying. She made up one about me flying to the stars and soaring around the sun." She laughed, a young girlish laugh. "And my father, he always lifted me high into the air and spun me around and around and around. It was the closest I could come to flying so freely." She sighed, dropping her arms, wobbling slightly. "I miss them."
"Come down, please," James said quietly and, still without looking at him, she held out a hand. He took it and helped her down carefully, breathing a sigh of relief once she was safely on the ground. Lily didn't let go of his hand as she looked at the sky above her.
When you touch meI feel there's nothing you can do to turn me away
And I know thatIn the past you've had bad luck so I should help you stay
"I wonder if they miss me too," Lily whispered, wrapping her free arm around her stomach.
"Of course they do," James said simply, squeezing her hand. He needed her to look at him.
You're all I've ever wantedYou're all I've ever needed, it's you
You're all I've ever wanted
And loving you's the right thing to do
And I'll see it through
Lily's eyes started filling with tears. "I haven't slept since the night they died. I feel so alone, James. It's like everyone's disconnected from me."
"You aren't alone, Lils," James said, "I'm here, right now."
Smiling through her tears, Lily enveloped James in a tight hug, burying her face in his shirt. James closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of her hair. He had the same undesirable urge to kiss her hair and did so.
When I close my eyesAnd think of you it takes me places that I've never seen
And the rain, it blows
You're brushing up against my skin to wash me clean
"How come you haven't talked to me since I've been back?" Lily asked, her voice muffled against his shirt.
James loosened his grip on her slightly. "I wanted to give you some space and time to mourn."
Lily leaned back from him and shook her head slightly. "I didn't want space, I wanted comfort, like this."
I'll show you the love in my handI'll show you the love that we have
I'll show you the love in my hand
I'll show you the love that we have
"Come on," James said with all the effort he could muster. "Let's get you to bed. Do you want a Sleeping Potion?"
Grinning, Lily said, "As long as you aren't brewing it."
James grimaced dramatically. "Ouch. We'll stop by the hospital wing and pick some up from Madam Pomfrey."
They walked down the steps from the Astronomy Tower, not touching but just talking about things that didn't matter much in the grand scheme of things, but meant the world to each of them simply because they were discussing it together.
Lily walked purposefully down to the Quidditch pitch where the team was practicing ferociously. Lily immediately found James – he had the most confident style of flying. Shaking herself, Lily wondered why she was being so open with James lately. In the library she almost kissed him, then wanted him with her throughout the whole funeral process with her parents, then she cried all over him on top of the Astronomy Tower a few nights ago and actually said she wanted him.Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
Crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you
Guilty feelings possessed her. She was concerned about why she was thinking more about mundane things than her parents' deaths lately, but she supposed seeing them die shoved any denial that they were still alive away and it was possible that the shock of it forced all of her sorrow out relatively quickly. Her parents would want her to be happy. And so would James. Why couldn't she get him out of her head?
Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetlyNow I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel good enough
I feel good enough for you
Lily didn't realize at first that the team had finished until Rita called a hello out to her. She snapped out of her reverie and waved, grinning. Rita and Sirius were walking together; one of Sirius' built arms slung securely around her shoulder, as Rita's own arm was snaked around his waist. They joked and flirted while they walked back to the castle.
"Sirius is slowly realizing Fay is not for him," a voice said behind her and Lily's heart skipped just a few beats. She turned to a slightly smiling James.
"Good," Lily said, relief evident in her voice. "Rita is the one for him, I just hope he won't hurt her if they go out."
"When," James corrected, "and he won't, he has a different kind of compassion for her." Lily smiled again and moved very close to him, inhibitions letting go as they were recently doing around James. "How are you doing?" he asked.
"Fine," she said and she tilted her head towards his.
Drink up sweet decadenceI can't say no to you
And I've lost myself completely
And I don't mind, I can't say no to you
"Lily," he said and his voice rung against her lips, they were so close, "I-I really, really want this, but you just lost your parents and…"
James paused and Lily pulled away. "What?" she asked, her voice dangerous.
Sighing, James said, "I don't want to be, like, a rebound for your grief about your parents, you know? I don't want you to use me for comfort and then forget about me because I - I can't make it through that."
Lily crossed her arms. "You're not a rebound. Let me refresh your memory…I wanted to kiss you in the library before I knew about my parents." Lily blushed about her honesty. "I thought you liked me more than that. I thought I meant more, cause I know you mean more to me and it's not because of my grief."
Shouldn't have let you conquer me completelyNow I can't let go of this dream
James shook his head solemnly. "No, no it's not like that." He stepped close once more and put a hand to her cheek. "You do mean more, just give it a little time, okay?"
Can't believe I feel good enoughI feel good enough
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
Cause I can't hold onto anything this good enough
"James…" Lily said slowly and James stroked her cheek with the pad of his thumb. She closed her eyes.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?So take care what you ask me
Cause I can't say no
"…I don't know what to feel about you anymore," Lily choked out and ran to the castle, leaving a confused and slightly hurt James behind.
Author Notes: Mwah ha ha!! I finished this at exactly (looks at clock on computer monitor) 1:29 AM on August 6, 2007 and I am the best updater in the world!
Well, actually not, because I'm waiting for a few more reviews from my regular reviewers so I can get their input. So I'll update whenever that happens and I apologize for making you wait a few days longer. But at least I got it out in less than two months! ((smiley face))
Sadly, after re-reading this, it seems very rushed and I don't like my transitions at all. I'm seriously considering rewriting or cutting the hospital scenes. Like it? Hate it? Feeling in a critiquing mood? Let it out and let me know!
R/R!