Summary: He thought she hated him. She thought she was just bragging rights. He kept missing his chances. She was running away scared. A story of love that follows Lily and James from 6th year until graduation. R/R!
Disclaimer: So no one sues me, I'm not JKR, I could never compare to JKR and you all know that. She is the almighty goddess of all things Harry Potter/magic. Her riches are not mine. Enjoy!
Song Credit: Hero by Enrique Iglesias.
"What the hell," Sirius said as he closed the door to their usual empty classroom.
Sighing, Peter started Conjuring hard, wood-backed chairs instead of the usual cushy arm ones that Sirius presents. Rita and Aurelia watched him in amazement – they never knew he was capable of advanced magic that they couldn't even accomplish. "I don't know," Peter said, flourishing his wand as the last chair appeared.
"What has Lily told you, exactly?" Remus asked, sitting on a chair and shifting uncomfortably.
Rita copied his movement. "She doesn't tell us much where he's concerned." She looked to Aurelia for help explaining.
"Basically," Aurelia began, choosing not to sit in a chair but to lean on the back of Remus', "She has no idea we were part of the library jig. When we asked her where she was most of the night, she told us the library mysteriously locked and she was stuck with James. They argued a little, started talking, then the door unlocked."
Rita rolled her eyes. "But I know that wasn't the whole story. If her and James had 'just talked', she wouldn't be moping around, distracted and falling behind on her duties."
Sirius looked surprised. He got up from his seat next to Rita and began pacing wildly. Remus looked at him in concern for a moment, then said, "At first James wouldn't tell us anything. He finally broke down this morning, after he told us off for locking him in there.
"His story started the same way Lily's did, only it was more detailed. They started getting tired and Lily offered to play some sort of strange muggle game…do you remember what it was Sirius?" Sirius stopped in mid step, gave Remus a hard look, shook his head and resumed his angry pace. Remus rolled his eyes at his best friend and shrugged. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. Anyway, she offered to play the muggle game so they could stay awake and they started flirting and, well, Lily kissed him."
"Whoa," Rita and Aurelia said together, "Lily kissed James?"
Snorting, Sirius stopped his wild pacing and rounded on Rita and Aurelia. "Yeah, we were surprised too." His voice was snide and cold. "Apparently they had a big argument about their feelings for one another and they kissed some more! The door unlocked and he basically said: 'Never talk to me again until you figure out what you want'."
A pondering silence filled the room and Sirius resumed his pacing. Remus cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I suppose the question is what to do next."
Aurelia sighed. "I didn't like interfering before and I'll say it again – let them figure it out."
Sirius growled and stopped his pace once more. "Let them figure it out? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Sirius – " Remus began in a stern, warning voice but Sirius cut him off and continued his tirade.
"James knows what he wants – Lily. On the other hand Lily can't figure out whether she wants him or not and, in the process of her toying with his emotions, she is breaking both of them." He advanced on Aurelia who stood her ground next to Remus. "Let them figure it out? I don't think so. All we need to do is hit Lily over the head with a realization stick."
Remus stood in front of Aurelia and opened his mouth to tell off Sirius but someone beat him to it, literally. Rita jumped up, sprinted to Sirius and slapped him hard on the back of the head. Sirius stumbled and, when he righted himself, he was faced with a furious Rita. "Who the hell do you think you are, treating me and Aurelia like scum just because we're friends with Lily and you're upset with her."
Sirius didn't respond, but backed a few steps away from Rita. "You may think Lily is just getting some sick pleasure out of playing with James' head, but she is genuinely confused about him. With his reputation around school that's nearly as bad as yours, I don't blame her."
"Hey now," Sirius said in attempt to defend his pride, "I fail to see how our 'reputations'," he extended his middle and pointer fingers on each hand and flexed them contemptuously, "play into this."
Rita laughed harshly. "You fail to see – oh God, Sirius, I thought you were intelligent." She put her hands flat in front of her and said in a tone meant for a slow three year old, "You both have a reputation of dating girls for a few weeks or less and dumping them once you've had your fill. It scares any decent girl away from you and Lily is decent. She liked James a lot but what's stopping her is a) her fear of that strong bond they have already and b) his reputation."
Sirius regained part of his composure and said, "James isn't like that with her…he really cares for her."
"Yeah, and you only know that because you're his best friend. No one besides you, Remus and Peter can be sure of that." She took a few steps closer. "So before you start insulting Lily and jumping down mine and Aurelia's throats, think, and don't treat your friends like shit."
This time an awkward pause filled the room as Rita and Sirius sent daggers at each other. "So," Peter asked, "what have we decided?"
No one seemed to want to answer him. After a few more seconds that seemed to go on for days, Sirius spoke. "Is that the reason?" Sirius was asking Rita.
Rita hesitated slightly before answering back, "Is what the reason?"
Sighing, Sirius said more clearly, "Is my reputation the reason you won't get too close to me?"
Rita looked as if she's been hit. It took a few deep breaths before she could stutter, "P-partly, and I didn't think you looked at me that way. I don't want to, to feel that way about you just to get shot down."
Sirius laughed but there was no humor in it. "And you said I was unintelligent."
"I've gotta go," Remus, Aurelia and Peter chorused together and rushed out of the uncomfortable room into the hall, closing the door behind them. Peter kept waddling along quickly as if the feelings that had been circulating in the air were Dementors, but Remus and Aurelia stayed leaning against the wall, slightly alarmed.
"Yikes," Aurelia finally said, chuckling a little. "I had no idea they were getting that close."
Smiling, Remus said, "I had a small idea." He put his ear to the door for a moment and backed away. "I don't hear anything."
Shifting against the wall so that her arm casually brushed against Remus', Aurelia said, "Probably snogging."
Remus turned to her, his face a few inches away from Aurelia's and replied, "Wouldn't surprise me."
The conversation got lost for moments as they stood close to each other, bodies touching without either holding on. "Are you," Aurelia began, but her voice was hoarse and she had to pause to clear it. "Are you busy next weekend?"
Gryffindor courage finally built up strong enough within him. Remus began brushing his fingers from her elbow to her fingertips, entwining them with his own. He shook his head. "Why?"
Shrugging, Aurelia continued, "I was just wondering if…if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me?"
Remus looked into her face. "Like a, date?"
Grinning, Aurelia took a step closer. "If that's what you want to call it."
And because neither them could resist it any longer, because they had been resisting for weeks every time they had been alone together, their lips met, quickly and gently, almost so they couldn't feel it. Then Remus pulled her into a tight hug that continued silently for several minutes.
"Let's go back to the common room," Aurelia said finally, taking Remus' hand and walking with him up staircases in slight disbelief at the night's events.
It was a dreary day for spring weather. In October it would be considered pleasant, but for the end of May that was slowly slipping into summery June, the clouded sky and oh so slight chill to the wind felt worse than if a snow storm had hit the castle, or at least that's how Lily felt.
Currently she was listening to her best friends discuss Rita's love life, aka Sirius. Apparently they had a big "truth session" about the other and Sirius admitted, in not so many words, that he liked Rita more than friends and was upset that she was pushing him away so she wouldn't get hurt.
"And then he goes, 'and you said I was unintelligent' – " Rita started but Aurelia cut her off.
"I was there for that," she said grumpily. "He likes you Rita, face it."
Rita made a whining noise and hit the couch pillow lightly. "Okay…but he's a total pig! With women, I mean. You know?" she said hopelessly, looking over at a table in the corner that Lily was determinedly avoiding by looking out the window at the dreary spring day.
"I can't believe you haven't talked to him in two weeks," Aurelia said irritably. She turned to Lily. "Same with you, only yours has been three. You two are idiots."
Lily still had not spoken or recognized that she was being spoken to. "Lay off, okay?" Rita said and Lily felt a rush of gratitude for her friend. "Just because you're in love and happy – "
"We're not in love!" Aurelia protested. "We've been on one date last weekend."
Snorting, Rita retorted, "Yeah, and about three or four more castle dates. Why aren't you hanging out with your boy now?"
"He's not my boy and you know perfectly well that he's with his friends today because you can't stop looking over to stare at your boy."
Lily ignored the argument and continued watching the fast moving clouds. They were going to break and pour down rain any second. What a horrible way to celebrate your birthday, mum, Lily thought, playing with the star charm on her necklace. Lily had not talked to anyone the whole day, partly afraid she would break down if a word slipped from between her lips.
The grief of her parents had hit her hard when she first heard, then receded almost just as quickly. But today, for some reason, it was back and Lily felt as if she was actually grieving them for the first time, really truly grieving. She didn't know if it was because it was her mother's birthday or because the weather reflected sorrow so flawlessly, but she did know that something black and terrible was gripping her heart and she didn't know how to get rid of it. She wouldn't tell anyone, she didn't want sympathy, she just wanted…What? What do I want?
"Fine!" Rita said loudly, making Lily jump out of her reverie and look at her friend. Unfortunately – or was it fortunately? – just over Rita's shoulder Lily caught a glance at the Marauders, playing a vicious game of what looked like Exploding Snap, at least, they were playing with Exploding Snap cards but knowing the Marauders it was likely to be much more dangerous. Her eyes swiveled immediately to James and she saw that his demeanor looked happy and mischievous…yet his eyes looked tired and sad. Lily's heart ached – she knew she was the reason for that sadness. "I'll talk to him before school lets out, happy?"
Aurelia nodded in a satisfactory way. "Very. Now, Lily...I want to talk about your love life."
This is not what I need right now, Lily thought to herself. She was already on the verge of tears about her parents and talking about how much she had hurt James was not going to help, but she forced herself to meet Aurelia's gaze. "What do you want to know?" Lily asked, hoping her voice sounded casual, but she had been right about an earlier prediction: as she spoke, she felt the tears build and her solid exterior crumble.
Sighing, Aurelia held her hand comfortingly. "I know you feel, er, deeply for James – "
"Let her be, Aurelia," Rita said worriedly, noticing Lily's shoulder slumping and her eyes wetting.
" – and I know he doesn't want to, use you, or anything," Aurelia continued, ignoring Rita.
Lily looked up again and saw James staring at her in a peculiar way. His mind wandering cost him, though; as Lily saw the cards in his hand explode. His friends roared with laughter in time with the thunder rumbles across the sky. "I – Aurelia, it's…"
The black thing holding her heart decided to try to break it and Lily drew a deep and sudden breath. Aurelia and Rita looked at her in concern, but Lily didn't want the sympathy, she didn't want it! She wanted to run, hide, get away from her pain and her friends insistence and James' misery…
Lily wrenched her hand out of Aurelia's and ran from the common room just as thunder rumbled louder and more ferociously as the rain began to trickle.
"Guys, guys! Shut up a minute!" James said wildly, wiping the soot off his face and glasses. Without the lenses, James saw a blurry Lily running from the room quickly and James couldn't sit there any longer and watch her suffer from whatever was torturing her. "I'm out – no, Sirius, I'm done for a bit. Move out of the way."
James worked his way around chairs and shoved his glasses on his face, half walking, half jogging over to Aurelia and Rita who were looking at each other with puzzled expressions. "What's wrong with her? Where did she go?" he asked.
Aurelia shrugged. "I-I don't know, she was just about to tell us something and then she ran away."
"Damn," James muttered. "Listen, if she comes back, tell her I'm looking for her and really need to talk to her. And I'm sorry and I'll stop ignoring her and – "
Rita slapped his arm lightly. "We'll make you sound more clever than that. Just go find her."
James squeezed her arm appreciatively and bolted out of the common room. "Is he going after her?" a voice asked and the girls spun around. Remus, Sirius and Peter were standing next to the couch, also looking at the common room entrance where James and Lily and just ran out of.
"I believe so," Aurelia said, smiling widely.
"If they don't get together by night fall, I'm going to kill them," Rita said grumpily.
"Here, here," Sirius said, shooting her a grin before he realized they were not speaking. Each looked away from each other nervously.
Remus eyed them impatiently. "And I'll kill the both of you if you don't start talking to each other again."
The fresh air helped, but only slightly. The rain, which was getting heavier with each passing second, was the one thing that kept the gloom hanging over her. She sat heavily on the stone steps that led out to the grounds, the only thing protecting her from the rain was the over hanging a few stories above. Arms wrapped around her legs and chin resting on her knees, she thought about her extremely mixed feelings and wondered if she would ever work out what they meant.
"Hello," a voice panted behind her and Lily jumped slightly, turning to see an out of breath James behind her, a hand holding him up against the doorway. "I saw you running out and you looked upset, so…"
He trailed off, not sure just what to say now that he ran across the castle trying to find her. James looked at Lily, taking in the tears pouring down her face and her slumped form. Her eyes looked pained and surprised to see him standing near her. "I," she choked out, her voice croaking. She shook her head slightly and looked down at the ground. "I'm so sorry, James. I-I know I'm hurting you and I don't mean to, I'm just so confused about everything." She looked up into his face and frowned. "I don't want to hurt you and I've only seen you in pain these past few weeks and it kills me…I'm sorry."
Before James could register any kind of emotion in him, Lily stood and wrapped her arms around James' back in a tight, comforting hug. At first he stood in a slight shock of being touched by Lily, then he seized her just as tight, burying his face into her neck. "It's ok," he muttered after a moment. "I understand, I'm sorry for ignoring you."
Lily sniffed, squeezed him one last time, then pulled back. James released her and backed up a few paces. "We're idiots," Lily said, looking out at the rain. She sat once more on the stone steps, leaning against the wall and curling her legs under her.
James cleared his throat awkwardly and sat next to her, trying to keep his distance just as he tried to resist touching her in the library. "Yeah…what's wrong with you, though?" he asked.
"Uncertainty is the best word to describe what's wrong with me," Lily answered, shuddering a little. "It's my mum's birthday today," she added in a whisper.
Now James couldn't resist reaching out to her and he snaked his arms around her waist, pulling her close. Lily smiled a sad smile and leaned her head against his shoulder, more tears slipping down her face. A few minutes passed in comfortable silence before James stood up, taking Lily's hand. "May I have this dance?" he asked, giving her his infamous lopsided smile.
Grinning through her tears, Lily said, "Sure, but there's no music."
"We'll just have to make some," he said, pulling her to her feet and out in the rain. James pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her waist. Lily slipped her arms around his neck and put her head on her shoulder. James began humming a soft tune, so soft she could barely hear it through all the rain.
"Would you dance if I asked you to dance?" James sang softly into her ear, pulling her closer. "Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul, tonight?" James dipped Lily close to the ground, the rain coming down harder and sprinkling her face. Both were soaking wet. James brought her back up and looked into her eyes.
He kissed her so softly on the forehead Lily barely felt it and he continued singing, his own forehead resting on the top of her head. "Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this. Now would you die for the one you love? Hold me in your arms, tonight."
Lily smiled as he sang, her worries and her heartache gone. She forgot about her parents, she forgot about the rain, she forgot that she was supposed to hate James. All she could do is hang on to the sound of his voice and the feel of his warm breath on her cheek. James spun her out and brought her in with her back against his chest and his arms around her waist. Lily felt completely safe as she leaned her head back on his shoulder, eyes closed.
"I can be your hero baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever," he lowered his mouth next to her ear. "You can take…my breath away." James whispered the last three words. Slowly, Lily turned to face him and peered into his hazel eyes. Her own sparkling emerald ones transfixed James. And with the rain coming down in sheets around them, they shared a kiss.
Elated was the perfect way to describe what Lily was feeling. Confusion no longer ruled her mind; she knew that she liked James. She knew that she loved the feel of his hand in hers and she loved walking back to the common room with him, dripping wet, barely speaking but just enjoying each other. Lily wasn't sure why it had taken her so long to stop worrying about what others might think and to just be with James, but she was glad she had finally done so.
"I'm tired," James said once they had gotten inside the common room. He led her to the wall between the staircases leading to the dorms and leaned against it.
People were staring and whispering. Lily got a small fluttering of anxiety in her stomach, but she pushed it away and nodded, focusing on James. "Me too."
James looked down at their clasped hands and rubbed his thumb over the back of hers. "I don't want to leave you. I - " James swallowed visibly and continued in a whisper. "I'm afraid it won't be like this tomorrow."
Lily put her free hand to James' cheek. "It will be, I promise." And even though people were still whispering about her, Lily fought away her fear and kissed James soundly on the mouth.
They barely separated their lips and James nodded. "That gives me strength to walk upstairs." He gave her one last small kiss and said; "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight," Lily said as James pulled his hand away from hers and walked up the stairs. She smiled, kept ignoring the people in the common room and went to her own dorm.
It was empty except for Calypso. "Oh, hi Calypso!" Lily said cheerily. "You're here early, what's up?"
Calypso sat up and put Witch Weekly down. "I had a small fight with one of my friends, so I decided to come back early."
"I'm sorry," Lily said, but she was grinning and not paying much attention to her roommate.
Calypso surveyed Lily as she grabbed nightclothes from her drawers. "Why are you so happy? And wet?"
Scoffing, Lily threw her clothes on the bed and said, "Is being happy a crime?"
Laughing flatly, Calypso said, "Depends. Just spill, what's going on?"
Being in such high spirits, Lily told Calypso everything that happened out in the rain. "It was just so romantic," Lily sighed, flopping on the bed, causing the covers and her clean clothes to dampen.
Calypso smiled, but it was vacant. "Oh, so are you two totally going out?"
"Um, I think so. We didn't ask each other or anything but we both want it, so I just assume we are," Lily said, sitting up and frowning slightly.
"Hmm," Calypso said doubtfully, "Are you sure James has the right intentions?"
Lily laughed and got off her bed, busying herself with finding a towel. "Whatever do you mean?"
"Well," Calypso began. "I dated James, remember?"
"Hmm," Lily said, picking up a towel off the bathroom floor and began drying her hair with it. "Yeah, back in fifth year, right?"
Calypso nodded. "Do you know why we broke up?"
"Not really," Lily said, sitting back on her bed while she rubbed her scalp with the towel. "Should I know?"
Shrugging, Calypso said, "You might want to know the kind of boyfriend he is." She jumped onto the bed, sitting next to Lily and looking her dead in the eye. "We only went out for, like, a week and we were snogging and he told me all these romantic things that were totally sweet at the time." Lily smiled a little, but her eyes darkened a bit at the same time. "And then he started moving, like, way too fast and I told him to slow down and he got mad and said he wanted to shag and I said I didn't and he broke up with me." She sniffed. "I really liked him and he was just, like, totally using me."
Slowly Lily stopped towel drying her hair and she bit her lip thoughtfully. "He was a different person back then," she said quietly, almost to herself, then looked up at Calypso. "He might've been that way then and, trust me, I believe it, but he's changed. What he said to me was genuine – no one is that great of an actor."
Calypso leaned forward and grabbed Lily's hand comfortingly. "I thought the exact same thing. I thought he changed and I thought he wasn't that great of an actor. But he is, Lily. Open your eyes – he gets out of most of the troublemaking stuff he does. How? Because he's a good actor."
Lily seemed to be losing her willpower. "He's just – charming."
"Exactly, charm goes a long way," Calypso said, squeezing her hand. "Trust me, I know how he works, I dated him. If you want to save your heart, don't talk to him."
Lily looked lost, hurt and weak. "I – I don't know now."
"We can talk longer, we can talk as much as you need until you realize that James is not the one for you," Calypso said, giving her a forced grin.
James woke up feeling tired and excited. He was going to be with Lily today. They hadn't seen each other for a few days because of finals, only shared a smile from across the room, but finals were over and he had a few glorious days alone with Lily until they had to part ways over the summer.
He could barely contain himself.
Jumping out of bed, he showered and dressed quietly as it was very early in the morning and his roommates were still sleeping. James picked up Quidditch Through the Ages and headed down to the common room where he figured he would read until Lily came down.
To James' great surprise, a certain red head was already there, dressed in muggle sweat pants and a tank and immersed in a book. James stopped in the middle of the stairwell and leaned against the banister with a slight smile on his face. She was so beautiful and she didn't even realize it. He watched her for a good five minutes before continuing down the stairs and sneaking behind her, grabbing her shoulders and kissing her cheek.
The reaction from Lily was not what James had expected. She jumped and turned her head, a little fear etching into her face as her eyes focused on James. She slid a few inches down the sofa and James laughed softly, keeping his hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong with you?"
The fear on Lily's face hadn't quite vanished yet and she shook his hands off by squirming her shoulders away. "N-nothing," she whispered.
James quirked an eyebrow. He tossed his book on the couch and settled his hands uncomfortably on the back of the sofa. "No really, what's up?"
Lily stood and closed her book sadly. "I need to go."
James laughed vacantly. "Go where? We've taken finals, there's no where to go until the train gets here." He tried to grab her arm but Lily moved it swiftly out of his grasp. James looked hurt. "What's going on with you?"
Lily gave him a sympathetic and exasperated look and said, "It's – it's just – "
"What?" James asked impatiently. Lily shook her head and tried to walk away but James finally succeeded in grabbing her arm.
"Let go of me," Lily said weakly, tears slipping down her face as she struggled to get out of his grip.
James shook his head, getting paranoid. "No, I want to know what's wrong."
Lily stopped struggling but James still held fast to her arm. "I don't deserve you," she said bluntly. "I'm not good enough for you."
Her words hit him and James' breath and voice left him completely. He knew something like this would happen, knew it was too good, but at the same time James couldn't believe it. "What do you mean?" he said in a hushed voice. "You've always been good enough, the only one who's ever been good enough. Hell you're more than good enough, I – " And then it hit him: "You talked to Calypso, didn't you?"
Lily looked suddenly defiant. "Why does that matter?"
Rasping, James let go of her arm but Lily didn't try to run. "It matters because she told you a lie – no, Lily, listen," James cut Lily off swiftly as she opened her mouth to interrupt him. "I liked her a lot and decided to go with her, but she didn't care about me at all. She tried to use me. Calypso broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with her and decided to find a guy who would."
Lily gazed at him intently. "Why should I believe you?"
James glared. "You've spent more time with me this school year than you have the past six years sharing a dorm with Calypso."
"And how the hell would you know that?" Lily said, her voice rising.
"Because I've watched you, Lily!" James roared. "Because I like you! And since you wouldn't let me get to know you, I had to find some way around that!"
Lily's resolve crumbled. She bent her head shamefacedly. "You picked on me," she said softly, upset with herself, wondering why she was convincing herself that James was just an actor and not a good person. "You were arrogant and rude." She looked up and met James' hard, blazing look. She had to turn away. "What happened yesterday was a mistake. I'm sorry. We – we shouldn't be together."
James shook his head, disbelieving. "No," he croaked, reaching out of her but Lily stepped back out of his reach. James looked up, tears shining in his eyes. "Please, Lily," he said brokenly. "Please…"
"I'm sorry," Lily sobbed, resisting the urge to touch him, help him and comfort him. I really liked him and he was just, like, totally using me, Calypso had said. James would hurt her. She had to get away from it as soon as possible. "Just – just leave me alone."
Lily ran out of the common room, running from the only thing in her life she didn't know the answers to. That one thing watched her run away from him once more and he collapsed to the ground just as the rest of the castle began waking to a carefree day.
Author Notes: I changed the rating from T to M because I used the F-bomb in this chapter and I am planning drinking scenes in later chapters. This will not turn into a smutty FF where it shows all the characters having sex...I just am bumping up the rating to be safe. If you can handle fierce language and alcoholic drinking, then I'm sure you can stomach this story. Thank you!