Summary: He thought she hated him. She thought she was just bragging rights. He kept missing his chances. She was running away scared. A story of love that follows Lily and James from 6th year until graduation. R/R!
Disclaimer: So no one sues me, I'm not JKR, I could never compare to JKR and you all know that. She is the almighty goddess of all things Harry Potter/magic. Her riches are not mine. Enjoy!
Chapter Thirteen Summary: School begins again at Kings Cross Station. Lily is trying to figure out who the Head Boy is while her friends are trying to conceal the fact it's James. It's certainly a shock when James walks into the Head's compartment, wearing a Head Boy badge, but to Lily it's an even bigger shock when she sees him taking authority and behaving responsibly. After the meeting, there is a touchy moment between Lily and James when he confronts her on their being almost a couple last May and, as James tersely leaves her, realizes she has to share a compartment with him since her best friends are sitting with the Marauders. When she enters, the only seat left is next to James. They both observe Sirius and Rita's extreme flirting and make bets on how long it takes them to get together. Lily is subjected to sit with the Marauders again at the feast and afterwards is given instructions by Dumbledore on her Head duties. James talks with Dumbledore alone about his doubts being Head Boy and asks why he appointed James in that position. Dumbledore gives a thought provoking answer, along with saying that it could provide an opportune moment to reconcile his differences with Lily. Sirius shows some signs of jealousy as Remus and James have to go patrol corridors constantly. During a patrol, James notices the prefect's bathroom open and thinks there might be danger in there. He was partly right, for as he walked in James witnessed Lily taking a bath. Lily screams at him and Sirius ridicules him afterwards.
A/N: A lot of ideas for this chapter came from the genius of EndlessMemories and chocoluver Also, the dialogue for the outburst James has at the end was greatly, greatly, greatly inspired by the lyrics of Right Here by Staind
Lily stormed up the stairs and shouted the Gryffindor password at the Fat Lady, who winced and scolded Lily for her volume. Ignoring her, Lily crawled into the common room, hair still very damp from bath in the Prefect's bathroom, and saw James and Sirius sitting by the fire talking. Lily stomped her away over, Sirius being the first to notice her and quickly warned James. James turned in his seat, his whole demeanor sinking as he saw the angry red hair approaching quickly. "Alright, Lily?" James asked feebly, sinking further still as she came to a halt inches away from him.
"No, I was visually violated," Lily responded, crossing her arms tightly.
Sirius smirked and couldn't resist the opportunity to say something. "Is it still called 'violated' if the 'victim' enjoyed it?"
James glared and smacked his best friend, Lily repeating the action a second later. "Sirius, will you shut it?" he said through gritted teeth, then turned to Lily. "Look, Lily, I didn't mean to – "
"Then what exactly did you mean to do?" Lily asked.
Narrowing his eyes, James defended himself. "I meant to do my job and patrol the hallways. The Prefect's bathroom is not to be used after 8:30 and it was being used at nine, so I was going to investigate."
Lily uncrossed her arms, resting her hands on her hips and took on a slightly lighter yet still dangerous tone, saying, "Alright then…"
"Uh-oh," Sirius muttered.
"…then do you care to tell me exactly how long you were standing there, enjoying the free show?" Lily asked.
James' defensive manner crumbled instantly and his face began reddening. "Any guy would be in shock," he murmured, looking down at his feet.
Lily sighed in disgust and walked to the staircase up to her dormitory, apparently done with the conversation. Sirius snickered. "Well done, mate."
Glowering, James responded, "Like you helped."
It was completely unbelievable and so rude, even for Petunia's standards. The mail had arrived late that morning during breakfast, right before they were dismissed for class and Lily was shocked to see she had a letter. Since her parents had died, she hadn't received any mail and hurriedly tore it open as she waved goodbye to Aurelia and Rita, who had class while Lily had a break in the common room. She read as she walked back, eager to see who wrote her, the next moment extremely disgruntled to read Petunia's snooty attitude mocking her through the paper. Apparently Petunia's fiancé's mother forced her to write a letter to Lily, telling the wedding was over Christmas break and that Lily was not invited. Lily hadn't thought it possible for her sister to get even more incentive, but Petunia had reached –
"Oh! I'm so sorry!" said the voice that knocked into Lily just outside the common room entrance, causing her letter and the other person's papers to fly all over the hall.
"No, it's my fault," Lily said, immediately dropping to her knees to help the person pick up the mess. "I wasn't watching where…" Lily trailed off as she realized the person who knocked into her was James. It seemed that he realized at the same moment he had run into Lily. "…I was going," she finished lamely.
Both stood together, papers gathered in hands and they began sorting out what belonged to whom. "What did you have?" James asked, shuffling things around.
"A letter," Lily responded, also looking through the papers mostly composed of Quidditch plays for Gryffindor.
"That's it?" James dug around a moment longer and pulled out the letter. "There you go," James said, handing the letter over.
Lily took it, her hand brushing up against his for the briefest of moments. It was enough to give them both a slight rush. "Thanks," Lily responded and then they stood there awkwardly. James resumed the shuffling of his papers and Lily began tapping her letter uncomfortably against her thigh.
After he had straightened his things, James looked up at Lily. "Hey, I'm sorry Lily, about barging in on, well," James shifted his weight. "…you know."
Surveying him for a moment, Lily nodded. "It's alright, I over reacted."
"No, it was completely understandable. I deserved it." Lily grinned ever so slightly and then the awkward silence took control once more. Eventually James inclined his head to the letter. "Good letter?"
Immediately after he said it, James wanted to bang his head against a wall. That was the dumbest thing he could've possibly come up with. Lily didn't seem to notice his distress and looked down at it. "Oh, not particularly. It's from my sister."
James nodded slowly. "Do you not get along with her?" he asked.
Snorting softly, Lily said, "You could say that. We haven't spoken since…since my parents' died and she sent me a letter saying when her wedding was but that I wasn't invited to it."
"That's not very nice."
Lily shrugged. "Well she's not a very nice person."
"All the same, sorry about that."
"Nah, it's okay. At least I won't have to wear some ugly frilly pink bridesmaid dress."
James laughed. "Yeah, that would be horrid."
There was another lull in the conversation. Lily sighed hastily and smacked her hands on the side of her legs. "So, I'll see you later, then?" Lily asked.
James nodded. "Yeah, definitely."
Lily nodded back and gave the Fat Lady the password. "Thanks for listening," she said simply and disappeared behind the portrait opening.
Grinning slightly, James continued on his way to the library with his stacks of Quidditch plays, feeling like the small friendship he and Lily had was being put back into motion blossoming.
Lily was extremely grateful that James didn't brag around to the whole school that he had seen a very exposed Lily as she predicted he would. It was quite shocking, really, to discover, through a conversation listened to by Aurelia, that James had begun telling Sirius off whenever he brought it up, saying "it was embarrassing for her" and to "drop it". James and Sirius usually never snapped or disagreed with each other and greatened Lily's appreciation towards James for standing up for her.
Even though Lily was more forgiving and compromising where James was concerned, it was still a bit awkward when they were alone together going about their Head duties. It was constant in both of their minds that James had seen a very private part of Lily, "two private parts, actually" Sirius would mutter under his breath whenever James would talk about the discomfort not openly acknowledged but still an undercurrent in everything they did.
Although Lily didn't want to be with James a minute longer than she had to, she found herself with a slight dilemma. Lily was now taking a very advanced Transfiguration course, despite her dislike with the subject, and discovered she understood nothing going on. Since she had tutored so many other people in her six complete years at Hogwarts, she felt maybe someone ought to return the favor. It was a tie between James and Sirius as to who was the best in that particular subject and Lily knew Sirius would not do a proper job of teaching. That unfortunately left her to ask James.
Lily planned to ask him after their next Head meeting, but completely overlooked the omnipresent awkwardness while planning her request. Therefore when the time finally came to confront him about her inadequacies, Lily immediately regretted her plan, but felt there was no other time to do it. "James…" she began timidly.
James stopped his unnecessary straightening of cushions on the sofa in the Head's common room and looked to Lily inquisitively. Lily took a deep breath. "You know…actually, how are you doing in Potions?"
Smiling slightly, James replied, "So much better than last year, thanks to your help. At least I'm above average."
Lily nodded. "That's great."
They stood staring at each other for a moment before Lily continued. "I-I actually have a small favor to ask of you."
James looked extremely surprised. "Sure, what is it?"
Jokingly, Lily said, "You're very brave to accept without hearing what I'm going to ask."
Laughing, James shrugged. "Yeah, I soon realized that little fault of mine after I agreed." They grinned, happy to be sharing a joke for the first time in so long. "So, what's the favor?"
Sighing heavily, Lily sat down on the cushions that James had meticulously and unnecessarily straightened, causing him to glare slightly at her. "I hate to admit it, but I'm doing somewhat poorly in one of my classes."
James' eyes widened in shock and he held a hand to his chest, pretend to stagger backwards in utter disbelief. "What? The great Lily Evans is having trouble with learning?" James continued his dramatic act, slapping himself across the face then shaking his head.
Lily kicked her foot out at him as if to punish him for his comments, but there was no threat in it. "I knew you would do this. Now, Shakespeare, would you mind sitting down and listening?"
James gave her a lopsided grin that jarred the slightest, tiniest fluttering within Lily and sat down on top of his mess of cushions. It couldn't escape James' notice that Lily had called him Shakespeare, the old British and muggle playwright whose quotes were thrown between them this time last year. It showed how far their relationship had come in a year's time and James was eternally grateful for it, even if he currently wanted more. James was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn't hear Lily begin talking again.
"…it's Transfiguration. The subject has never come easy to me but I always made great grades," Lily sighed again and looked down. "This year is so much harder. And I thought, since I helped you last year and since you are the best, I would be really appreciative if you could help me out."
James smiled and pat her knee. "After all you did to help me in Potions when I was completely hopeless before, how could I really say no?"
They mapped out a study schedule which was nearly similar to the one used the previous year when Lily helped James with Potions. There were fewer slots open as James' available time had lessened greatly as he was now captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
After they had finished with all their business in the Head's common room, they walked back to Gryffindor Tower together, able to talk nearly freely with a very minimal amount of uncomfortable pauses. When they finally bid the other goodnight, James walked to his dormitory feeling as if he was walking on a cloud, a cloud he hoped would not grow black with angry thunder and lightening ever.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa…what?" Sirius asked, pretending to clean out his ear. "Ice Queen Evans asked you to do what?"
Remus, sick of Sirius' dramatics and slightly more irritable because of the approaching full moon, leaned close to him and grabbed the top of Sirius' ear, pulling it towards him. "She asked him to tutor her in Transfiguration!" Remus yelled, causing Sirius to yelp and jump away in pain and Peter to choke in his sleep during mid snore.
James snorted at their antics and sighed. "I was shocked too." He paused. "Do you think this means she likes me?"
"Definitely." Sirius replied confidently.
"Or she might just need help with Transfiguration," Remus added more rationally.
Sirius rolled his eyes and turned to Remus. "Since when did Lily need help with any subject?"
But Rita and Aurelia were not especially surprised when Lily told them about her request. "So you like him?" Rita asked.
Lily had to do a double take. "Excuse me?" she asked in disbelief. "Like him? I just need help in Transfiguration."
"Oh yes," Aurelia said, "but you could've asked anyone for help."
Scoffing, Lily said, "I wanted the best and James is the best."
"What about Sirius?" Rita asked indignantly.
With that, both Lily and Aurelia burst out laughing. "Oh please," Aurelia said. "You can't be that blind from love."
James was immensely proud of himself. He and Lily had been on three tutoring sessions and he hadn't slipped up once about his underlying feelings for Lily. In return, Lily was impressed that James had been just like a friend; she nearly forgot that he very possibly still had feelings for her.
They were now in the midst of their fourth and could not concentrate at all. The common room was unusually rowdy that night; there was a Quidditch match the next day, and James had repeated the same sentence about three times.
After a very large bang and roar of laughter from a group of third years, James slammed his Transfiguration book shut. "Do you want to end the session or go to the Head's common room?" he asked.
Lily copied his movements and closed her book. "Common room, we have a test over this Monday and I don't have any other time to get help with it."
"Same, alright, let's go."
They gathered their things and set off, almost getting trampled by first years running around. "Were we that ridiculous when we were first years?" James asked touchily.
Lily laughed. "You were."
A few minutes later they were settled in the Head's common room, books, parchment and quills all out on a small table. They picked up where they left off, stumbling a little through paragraphs as they had lost their train of thought with all the disorder.
"This is so confusing," Lily sighed after a while, throwing down her quill and stretching slightly. James had to force his eyes not to stare. "There are so many rules and exceptions to the laws of human transfiguration…I don't know how to keep it all straight."
James shrugged. "You just have to figure out little tricks to help you remember what goes to what, I suppose. I can teach you a few of my secrets if you like."
Lily smiled graciously. "That would be great, if you don't mind giving them up." James smiled back and began flipping through the pages of his Transfiguration book, apparently looking for something to help Lily understand the text better. Lily watched him flip through and couldn't believe it; it seemed that James was completely indifferent towards her. At first she was glad, but a second later, she felt a small pain. Did James really lose her feelings for her? Why would I care about that? Lily asked herself and instantly another voice replied, Becauseyou like him, a lot.
Quickly Lily shook that thought from her mind and began talking to distract herself. "Thank you so much, James, for all this help and putting up with my hopelessness on the subject."
James laughed. "You're not hopeless, just confused."
Lily shrugged. "Whatever it is, it's probably hard to deal with." She paused. "You've been such a friend to me."
Internally James winced. I want to be more…
"And I really am so glad we are friends."
I'm not.
"You were such a prat."
I know, Lily, I'm different.
"But now…" Lily paused, deliberating the right word to fit how James had become very close to perfect.
But James couldn't stand it and let the page he was holding onto go, shoving his chair back from the table. Lily looked at him, surprised at his sudden movement. "What?" James asked impatiently, desperately. "I'm now what?"
Lily looked at him, mouth slightly open in shock. James didn't wait for an answer long.
"Listen, I know I've been mistaken, but all I've ever wanted is for you to see the changes that I've made. I've got a lot of imperfections, but I can't see how someone like you, someone so good like you, could just collect them all and throw them in my face whenever you feel like it."
"James – " Lily interjected, but James held his hand up to silence her.
"Let me finish. No matter what you say or do, you've got a way to keep me right here waiting. Even when you get scared for some insane reason and choose to walk away, I'm still right here waiting for you."
Once again, all Lily could do was just look at him. Moments before she thought him indifferent, and now he was admitting that he still liked her. Maybe even loved?
"I've made a commitment to myself; I'm willing to bleed for you." James stopped, and took a deep breath. He had gone very far with his feelings, feelings he's been trying to hold back since the beginning of school. But he couldn't keep it in any longer. He continued bluntly. "I found what I need in you. And I don't know why you can't just forgive me for being such a prat. You keep making me relieve all the mistakes I've made along the way and I hate it. It tears me apart."
James ran a hand through his hair nervously, but Lily could hold no anger against him for the action. What he was saying was making her blush. It was making her sad for tormenting but also causing her heart to soar. James watched her eyes dart around nervously at her hands in her lap and sat down, weary and embarrassed at his outburst.
Eventually Lily cleared her throat and looked up. "What's funny is it's actually you that finds the words to say to keep me right here waiting."
James' face went from disbelief to pure happiness. "Wha…what?" He shook his head. "What does that mean?" He looked at her, hopefulness shining on his face.
Sighing, Lily looked back, saying, "I-I don't know, really." Lily shook her head. "Just-just give me a little time to work it out."
Time, time had been a great tormenter for James. He had waited and waited and waited for Lily to come around. But he supposed time could continue to torment, if there was even a slight chance that Lily could fall for him. He nodded. "Of course."
Both became suddenly shy and looked around to different parts of the room. This was the most they've said about their feelings for one another in a year.
"I think we've done enough work for tonight," Lily whispered, closing her book. "Do you want to walk me back to the common room? I'm rather tired."
James nodded and helped her gather up her things. Lily had quite a power over him; he could hardly ever refuse anything she asked. Love was a dangerous game.
Author Notes: So I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice (AMAZING BOOK!!!) and I felt like my writing style began to resemble 18th century Britain jargon. It didn't help I had the movie version of the book playing in the background while I was writing.
Also, I dedicate this chapter to a little red headed and high spirited girl named Lily, who I helped take care of and who died at the age of two. Rest in peace.