Summary: He thought she hated him. She thought she was just bragging rights. He kept missing his chances. She was running away scared. A story of love that follows Lily and James from 6th year until graduation. R/R!
Disclaimer: So no one sues me, I'm not JKR, I could never compare to JKR and you all know that. She is the almighty goddess of all things Harry Potter/magic. Her riches are not mine. Enjoy!
Chapter Sixteen Summary: Rita and Aurelia find Lily curled in a ball in front of the door the morning after James admits how he really feels about her. Lily's a wreck, so she skips classes. As winter closes in, James and Lily avoid each other as much as they can, despite the fact that Head duties force them to be close. Finally, James offers to help Lily with Transfiguration. In the middle of their study session, James' dad surprises him with a visit, coughing the whole time. He is introduced to Lily and leaves quickly so that James' mum doesn't worry about him. Lily really likes him. Sirius gets a letter saying his Uncle Alphard died and he gets all of the large inheritance. Sirius says he is going to move out of James' house and rent a flat, much to James' dismay, but makes plans so all the Marauders can live together after school. Peter backs out of the plans quickly.
Song Credits: Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee, The Reason by Hoobastank.
Dialogue Inspirations: Sorry by Buckcherry, Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse
To James, this was the worst.
It saw Saturday. There was a Quidditch match in an hour, Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff, and surprisingly Hufflepuff was the biggest threat to Gryffindor snatching the Cup. James wanted, no, needed to be there in order to figure out what defenses to use against them in an upcoming match.
Also, James had a ton of homework he had been putting off that was due Monday and just thinking about it made a ticking sound appear in his head and it grew louder each time the thought occurred.
On top of all that, James hadn't eaten breakfast. Not eating made James extremely grumpy.
Really, James should be a little more grateful. He should've been in detention. Sirius had been complaining that he and James never hung out anymore, so a night when Lily had been too busy to go about Head duties, James and Sirius took a stroll around the castle…with a fresh batch of Filibuster Fireworks.
Unfortunately, when they were setting up a firework ignited early and zoomed right into Slughorn, who had been walking around the corner at that precise moment. He had promptly given Sirius and James a Saturday detention, knowing about the game they wanted to go to. Sirius couldn't come up with an excuse to get out of it, and he was the unlucky one stuck in Slughorn's classroom at that moment. James used his Head Boy card, saying that he and Lily had planned to catch up on Head work on Saturday that neither had time to complete during the week.
It was mostly true, the only difference between the truth and the lie was he and Lily had agreed to meet after the game. Slughorn allowed James to meet with Lily only after warning him that he would be checking up on them and if James so much as took one step near the Quidditch field, four more detentions would be added to the postponed one.
The one saving grace, the only reason why James was not currently storming the castle in a foul, rebellious mood, was Lily.
Almost as if she had heard him think her name, Lily looked up from the stack of papers she was sorting through and smiled sheepishly. James feared that next she would hear the furious pounding of his heart, all from her simple look.
This can't be normal, James thought to himself, rubbing his hand on his chest self-consciously.
Sure, he was missing Quidditch. Sure, he had tons of homework beckoning him upstairs. Sure, he was starving and worried he would be dragged off to detention any moment. But Lily was here with him and that was more than enough, no matter how awkward it was to converse naturally as if he had never poured out his heart to her nearly a month ago.
God, has it only been a month? It's felt like years.
Lily sighed and it pulled James from his thoughts…that little breath had instilled a hundred new thoughts and feelings in him. The foremost of these was: Is she all right?, followed by a large dose of concern accompanying it. The next that followed was: What did she see or think about that made her sigh?, quickly followed by a desperate longing that James couldn't place with any coherent thought. It was a longing that consumed him anytime Lily was near, or anytime Lily was mentioned, or anytime Lily cropped up in his mind, so James was fairly used to it and had become adept at pushing it aside momentarily. He did so then to focus on what she was saying.
"…I've heard past Heads complain about Dumbledore's wish to schedule a ball in December and I see why they could never pull it off now. It's an insane amount of work for the Heads to do, especially if they have other activities they've committed to, like us."
Lily put down some notes and sighed again, leaning forward and looking into James' eyes. James prayed the deep pounding was only in his ears. He was a good actor and could keep his face and body indifferent, but there was no way he could muffle the beating of his heart.
"Do you want to bother with it?"
It took James a few moments to remember what she had been talking about.
Oh, right. Planning a ball in December.
"I mean, you have Quidditch and I have tutoring, I just think it would be too much. What do you think?"
"Hm," James said casually. "I don't think we could handle it. Look at this week alone – neither of us could find a suitable time to go about our daily Head chores."
Lily frowned slightly. James guessed part of the frown was from his use of the word chores in association with their Head tasks. Sullenly, Lily replied, "Agreed. What else do we have left to discuss? I have quite a bit of homework to get to and I know you're itching to get to that Quidditch game."
James winced slightly; he was trying to forget what he wanted most to do today and which he couldn't. Lily caught the gesture and misread it. Her face showed insecurity. "I'm sorry…did I say something –"
"No! No," James said quickly, mainly to get the pained look off her beautiful face – it hurt him to see her in discomfort. "No, it's just…I can't go to the game anyway because I sort of traded my opportunity to go for a postponed detention. I convinced Slughorn to let me catch up on Head stuff instead."
"Oh, I see," Lily said, her face falling.
James analyzed her look…the expression caused more thoughts to swirl in his head. Is it because she disapproves of my detention? Because she feels bad about bringing up the game? Because now she has no good excuse to hurry through this? James felt a stabbing pain in his chest from the last thought.
What followed was another awkward silence as both Lily and James gazed at each other. James was the first to lower his stare, his eyes focusing on the Prefect patrolling schedule he had been "working" on. It took so much self-control to do just that.
Even though they were sitting on opposite sides of the Heads common room, James felt a nearly uncontrollable desire to sit next to Lily. He wanted to push her hair behind her ear and let his fingertips trace a trail over her cheekbone, across her collarbone and shoulder, down the length of her arm until he found her fingers and entwined them with his own. He would rest his forehead on the cheekbone he had just traced, hopefully electrified from his touch, and whisper to her just how much she means to him.
Of course, he had to suppress the urge, because Lily had told him plainly time and time again that she didn't feel that way about him, even though it had only gotten through his head the last she had said it, that fateful night outside her room.
How long will it take to get over you? James thought, too afraid to look up and take in her beauty.
If James would've looked up, he would see that Lily had not glanced back down at the papers littering the table in front of her as he had with the patrolling schedule, but she had been watching the way his unruly hair fell without any rhyme or reason and wishing she could run her own fingers through it.
Their private longings were interrupted when a sleek dark brown owl came through the open window, screeching its arrival. Both Lily and James jumped; Lily relaxed when she saw it was only an owl but James straightened in his seat, a curious look on his face.
"That's my family owl," James said, mostly to himself, when the owl landed in front of him, holding out a letter.
Quickly, James ripped the folds open while Lily finally went back to her work. James recognized his mother's handwriting at once and scanned the contents, expecting a warm greeting, an overview of what had been going on at home, and then the reason why she wrote.
What James did read was very to the point. It made his heart freeze and his throat constrict and close. It wasn't in a good way, like whenever he was close to Lily, but in a horrible, world crashing down around him way. The muscles in his hand tightened as much as they could and James vaguely heard the paper crumple – the whooshing sound that was making his head spin sickeningly was wreaking too much havoc on his ears to hear much else.
But the one beautiful, melodic sound that James could hear above anything else in the world came fighting through the chaos ripping apart his mind, body, and heart. "James? Are you alright?"
James looked up from words surely too awful to be true and tried to focus on Lily across the room, but all he could see was a watery outline of a person.
There was a gasp and suddenly cool hands rested on James' shoulders. The pressure was so gentle and loving that James' vision got steadily blurrier until he realized:
Oh, I'm crying.
"James? What's wrong?" Lily asked, her voice banishing the horror in his head, leaving a calm, loving path behind. James sat, muscles taut and frozen, as he tried to enjoy the calming effect of her voice.
One of the hands left his shoulder and the gentle pressure was now resting on his own hand. James focused on that pressure, it was comforting, the only comfort that would take his mind away from the awful words on the paper.
A crinkling sound floated softly through his head, it sounded so far away, followed by the beautiful voice: "May I?"
The practical and still working part of James' brain registered Lily was trying to pry the letter out of his hand without ripping it. James gladly let her have it – maybe Lily would read it and tell him he misunderstood, that the letter didn't say what he thought it did. Then she would laugh, throw the letter aside, and gather him into her arms.
What James wished did not happen.
There was a gasp. "Oh no…oh James…" The beautiful voice was tarnished with agony that wove its way into the notes.
That's when James realized what he read in the letter was true. He couldn't take the pain. It was enough that suffering was in his own body, but now the beautiful voice shared his anguish and that was too much. The muscles that were taut a moment ago suddenly lost all their tension; the loss made James' body fall forward in surprise.
Thank God for Lily, James thought as Lily caught him before James' face could meet the wood. But even Lily couldn't stop his body from shaking or his lungs from malfunctioning so he was forced to hyperventilate.
"Okay, James, it's going to be okay…" Lily murmured, lifting his shaking body to a standing position. James tried to help, but it was impossible to exert much effort, no matter how much he tried.
A small part of him felt bad that he wasn't much help as Lily half dragged him out of the Heads common room, but the majority of his mind was too consumed in the grief stricken words that lay looking too innocent on the parchment in Lily's hand. He couldn't even think of the actual words; if he did, the misery would tear him apart swiftly from the inside out.
"Just hang on, James, we're almost there…"
For a moment, James came out of his tormented thoughts and focused on the emerald of Lily's eyes while her head was still turned toward him. When she looked away, James realized they were right outside Professor Slughorn's door. His earlier worries drifted tentatively through his head and he almost laughed at their trivialness compared to the hell he was going through now.
Still keeping ahold of James, Lily opened the door to Slughorn's classroom a crack. "Professor?" she called, trying to keep her voice even.
"Why, hello Ms. Evans! What can I do for you?" James heard Slughorn's jovial voice, but couldn't see him. He let his eyes close and his forehead rest on Lily's shoulder in defeat.
"I need to borrow Sirius Black, sir."
"M'dear, he is serving a detention. Only a teacher can pull him out. Come back in two hours when he'll be free."
James could feel Lily start to quiver slightly. "No, Professor, you don't understand," Lily croaked out. Even in his confused mind, James could appreciate Lily standing up to a professor for him. A rush of gratitude tore threw his mind before it was quickly silenced by agonizing thoughts. "James Potter needs Sirius. He just got a letter – James' dad died in his sleep last night."
Lily's voice broke on the last word and James broke too, but it wasn't his voice. A cry escaped him and he could feel his insides exploding as he reluctantly slide from Lily to the floor.
"My word!" Slughorn cried the same time another voice bellowed, "James! James!"
The last thing James saw was Sirius' feet running out of the classroom and Lily's flawless face wet from tears a few inches from his.
His eyes fell.
Cool hands pressed against his cheeks and his mind and body were quietly replaced by heavenly blackness.
Sounds of sobbing still reached James even though he chose the room on the opposite end of his parents' – now his mother's – bedroom to escape. His mother's cries of pain and sorrow had been going on non-stop since he had come home two days ago. Although he wanted more than anything to comfort her, he couldn't stand to be around the tears for too long – they echoed his torrent of shadowy thoughts and memories too perfectly.
Unfortunately, the room that was farthest away from his paren – mother's bedroom was his father's study, something he was supposed to sort through eventually but which James had been putting off. Sirius had promised to help him with it, but currently Sirius had gone off to fetch all of them dinner.
A small smile lifted onto James' face at the thought of Sirius, it disappeared less than half a second later. Without Sirius there, James would've never made it through. He was always by James' side, only leaving for small periods to get dinner since Hallie hadn't felt up to cooking, with a joke, a smile, or an encouraging clap on the shoulder. James didn't know how he stayed so strong – Harold had been a father to Sirius also – but somehow Sirius had been the rock for Hallie and James to stand on. It wasn't Sirius' fault they couldn't keep their balance.
But now Sirius was not here and James stood alone in the doorway of his father's large, mahogany paneled study.
You could just go somewhere else, start another easier task until Sirius gets back, a voice urged in his head.
James grudgingly knew better. This room was the one where the cries of anguish were the faintest and James felt he would go mad if it were any louder. He also knew if he didn't get this task over with now, he would never get it done. And, for once, James wanted to be strong.
Resolutely, James turned and shut the great door behind him. The sound reverberated loudly, the echo seeming to carry on for ages. James let out a small gasp and slumped against the door, his head lolling on the frame. He lingered there for only a moment and, with a deep shaking breath, James turned and faced the room once more.
Random memories of his father began to flit through his head. Some he could place with a time, like when he shyly edged into the room when he was eleven during Christmas break. His father looked busy but, upon seeing his son, he put down everything he was doing and stood from his desk.
"Hey James, what can I do for you?"he asked. James could hear the laughter ringing in his voice. It always seemed like his father was about to burst into laughter at any moment.
"Well, me and my friend Sirius, you know, the one I told you about that's apart of the Black family, but who's not evil?" James questioned, testing his father's memory.
Harold rolled his eyes and walked around to the front of his desk, leaning against the front casually. "You mean the one you haven't shut up about since you've been home? Sure, I know. Continue."
James cleared his throat. Usually his father inspired his troublemaking, but James was always just a little nervous asking him for a way around the rules. "Well, um, we know the kitchens are somewhere behind the Professor's table in the Great Hall, but we don't know how to get there. We wanted to get some food to celebrate Gryffindor beating Slytherin in November, but we couldn't figure out how to get to the kitchens. I was wondering if you would happen to know…"
This time his father did break out into booming chuckles. "I'm insulted you had to ask! Did you think I wouldn't know, or did you think I wouldn't tell you?" he questioned.
"Well…" James began to confess, but Harold waved his hand. "It doesn't matter. You know the painting of fruit behind the table?"
James nodded eagerly.
"All you have to do is tickle the pear. It will giggle, then turn into a handle. And there you go! The house elves are very eager; they'll give you whatever you desire and more. Now, do you and your friend Sirius want to have a grand entrance when you go back to school next week? I have some great ideas…"
Other memories that glided by as he looked around the room were not so easy to place, just flashes of random moments throughout his life. The giant map of England on the wall just to the left of the door reminded James of a time when his father had a guest over and they were fiercely arguing about something or another to do with work. The bookshelves brought forth a memory of his father studying the stacks and stacks of different bindings, trying to find the perfect thing for…but that memory flashed away before James could remember the details. The sprawling leather couch made James think of the countless times he had to wake his father, who frequented naps there, so he could come downstairs for dinner.
The memories were beginning to overwhelm him in the room that contained so much of his father, so James chanted be strong repeatedly in his head. He kept that mantra up with each step he took, still gazing around the room but this time only focusing on the here and now, logically assessing where to start.
The one thing that James was having an extremely hard time ignoring was the heavy silence that the closing of the door had created. It was almost worse than his mother's sobs. The silence pressed on his chest painfully and made his ears ring. When a record player caught his eye, he almost smiled and nearly ran to it. There was the distraction he was looking for. James went to the cabinet right next to the player and sifted through the records, careful to avoid his father's favorites. Once the record was placed on the player and the needle was placed on the record, the music began to flow softly out of the horn. James immediately felt relaxed and turned the music up as loud as he thought he could without alerting his mother.
"That's better," James muttered to himself, folding his arms and looking around the room. He concentrated solely on the notes pushing the ominous silence out, filling him with serenity.
Before he knew it, James was cleaning out his father's desk, throwing out old receipts and bank statements, anything from work, and scraps of paper with little reminders his forgetful old man had written to himself that were surely set aside and forgotten.
Each time he saw one of the notes with the familiar flourishing handwriting, James' heart gave a funny little jump. When he pulled on a small, hard to open drawer, his stomach dropped before he realized he had stumbled upon a horde of pictures. Every snapshot featured his father, ranging from Harold's childhood days all the way up until the last summer when the whole family had been together. Sirius and Remus were even in a few.
James slammed the drawer shut and threw his hands to his forehead, resting his elbows on the glossy surface of the colossal desk. Pain rippled through his chest and James pushed it down, focusing once again on the music. But the notes weren't enough, there even seemed to be a somber touch to the song that didn't seem so sad a moment ago. The pain was still trying to take over and invade his mind, so he focused on the lyrics.
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me anymore
James was wrong, the song was actually incredibly sad, and the even sadder fact of the matter was it reminded him of Lily. It spelled out exactly how he felt about her; when James first heard the notes, they didn't seem so sad, but once he really listened, it was almost depressing. The instrumental break had finished and James was ready to absorb the song until Sirius came bursting through the door, carrying containers of food and making James jump.
"Hey James. Thought you'd be hungry since you haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, so I got you two meals," Sirius said cheerfully as James slumped in his father's chair, disappointed he didn't get to dissect more of the song. "I ate most of mine already, so if you want a break from whatever you're doing, I can finish up and you can eat."
Shrugging lamely, James got up from his seat and took the containers from Sirius while his best friend launched into a long-winded tail of the rude hostess at the restaurant. James nodded along and oohed and ahhed at the right moments, but his mind was on Lily the whole time.
I just want to be with her…
Lily sighed, glaring at the blasting radio some fourth year girls were listening to. She tapped her quill impatiently, staring down blankly at her Transfiguration homework and when that didn't help calm her, she began tapping her foot at the same speed. She really wanted to go over and abuse her Head Girl power by forcing them to turn it down or, better yet, off, but she had been very bossy the past week, so much so that even her friends were avoiding her. Lily decided she'd rather suffer with the music than suffer with the irritated whispers from Gryffindors about what a tyrant bitch their Head Girl was.
Sighing again, Lily threw down her quill and put her head in her hands, trying to clear her mind, something she had never been good at. She could always push a thought away, but another always took its place. Her mind was too busy to stay blank.
Tonight Lily had trouble pushing thoughts away. She tried to ignore the music and she did ignore the beat of it, but the lyrics came screaming at her.
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You're gone away
You don't feel me here…anymore
Lily groaned. Why oh why did she need something else to remind her of James? This song was a perfect description of their relationship.
The truth was that Lily hadn't stopped thinking of James since she and Sirius had half carried him to Dumbledore's office. She had been anxious the whole time he had been gone, fretfully awaiting his return and praying he was holding up. The feelings that had haunted Lily the past week were ones that didn't allow her to pretend that she had no deep feelings for James. Lily wasn't sure if she could go so far as to say she loved him, but she definitely wanted to comfort him in ways that friends wouldn't be allowed to do.
That had been her dominate thought: she desperately wanted to help James get through this. Having lost her own parents, she could completely empathize and wanted to use her loss for his gain, to help him heal much faster and easier than she did.
What little time Lily's mind wasn't thinking about James, it spent ceaselessly worrying about Sadie Bradshaw, a Ravenclaw 6th year, and Gareth Selby, a Gryffindor 2nd year. The two were sent home three days ago because of a mass Death Eater attack on supposed "traitor" families. The Bradshaw's and the Selby's were all massacred, leaving Sadie and Gareth orphaned. Whenever she thought about the attack, one of the thoughts that sped through was: What if that had been James? What if the one time James left the safety of the castle, that had happened to him? And then the rush of thoughts for James took over once more.
When is he coming back?!
With that last thought, Lily growled in frustration and slammed her hands on the small table she always worked at. When she looked up, she saw Remus, who looked like he stopped in mid-step, with a shocked look on his face.
"Whoa, Lily," he said, his hands up defensively, "I was coming over here to chat, but if you'd rather be alone –"
"No, no," Lily said, shaking her head and attempting a relaxed smile. She felt it strain on her face. "Sit down."
Remus did so, still looking at her cautiously. It bugged Lily and she was about to snap at him, until she noticed how pale he was and the shadows lining his face. She suddenly remembered it was the full moon – and two of the Marauders would not be here to help him with it.
"Do you know when James will be back?" she blurted. She was still reeling from her revelation and didn't have time to censor her true feelings.
Remus kept his face neutral, but Lily swore for a moment she saw the tinniest of grins slip onto his face. "I'm not sure, the last letter they sent was right after the funeral, which was two days after they got there." Lily's face fell, she was past the point of controlling her emotions, and it embarrassed her immensely. "Don't worry; I'm sure they'll be back soon."
Lily nodded, smiling gratefully. At least that's what she tried to convey, her disappointments were taking precedence over any other emotion. A thought occurred to her. "Why didn't you go with them? I know you stayed over at James' house as much as Sirius did, you must've been close to…him also."
The moment the words came out of her mouth, another realization transpired and Lily wanted to slap herself. Remus couldn't go, there was probably no safe place for him to transform during the full moon. Surely enough, the reassuring look on Remus' face fell and was replaced with a much more grim expression. "I…felt it would be imprudent for me to come. Three isn't exactly company in a situation like this. Plus Sirius is much closer to James than I am, they are like brothers."
He lied eloquently, but of course, Lily saw through it. She reached across the table and grabbed his hand comfortingly. "You four are all close brothers. It's just that Sirius and James have the same childlike, reckless manner so they connect more."
Remus laughed at this and Lily brightened. It made her feel better that she helped someone, even if it couldn't be the exact person she wanted to help. Remus sighed contently and looked out the window. "Have you seen Peter?" Remus asked suddenly.
Lily shook her head. "Nope, I actually haven't seen him since class yesterday."
Remus' eyes darkened slightly. He continued to stare out the window into the gold and ruby sky, a true Gryffindor sunset. Lily let him reflect and pretended she was working on her Transfiguration essay.
After a while Remus murmured, "I really don't feel all that well, I think I might go visit Madame Pomfrey."
Lily nodded, going along with this lie also. "You don't look that well, no offense."
Waving his hand, Remus stood and replied, "None taken. If you see Aurelia, will you tell her I'll see her tomorrow? If I'm not still sick, that is."
"Sure thing. I hope everything goes alright, Remus." Lily said the words with as much conviction as she could, hoping her well wishes would work, and that Remus wouldn't have a bad experience tonight without his brothers helping him.
Remus turned a quarter of his body towards her as he walked across the common room. "I'm sure everything will go well, Madame Pomfrey has some of the best quick fixes. Goodnight, Lily."
"Goodnight, Remus." And good luck.
There was no quick fix to what Remus was about to go through and he knew it.
His skin was tingling in the most uncomfortable, burning way and his whole body shook and shuddered. His bones ached in protest as they began to rearrange themselves and Remus felt his mind start to morph into something less human and more animalistic.
No matter how hard he tried to cling to his sanity, it always seemed to be replaced with brutal urges and undeniable hungers. Remus could feel reason slipping away, but he forced himself to think human things.
I wonder where the hell Wormtail is.
Peter was the only comfort he had this full moon, as Sirius and James were unavailable to help him. Although Peter was never much comfort during the excursions, he always brought some strange comic relief to the wolf's wild mind. Peter seemed to have completely forgotten about the full moon, completely forgotten about Remus. That thought hurt him deeply.
Stop the self-pity. James is going through hell just as much as you are.
Ah, James. The last tiny human part of him chuckled slightly as he thought of Lily's anxieties. He couldn't wait to tell James when he got back.
They had said they would try to be back in time for the full moon…
Remus could feel the hair painfully growing on every part of his skin as his finger and toenails began to lengthen and shape into vicious claws. He collapsed to the floor and tried to pound a fist through the floorboards in agony, but only his half paw, half hand scratched against the wood. The wolf allowed one last dark thought to pass through…
I wonder if they care about me at all.
…and then he succumbed to the wolf, experiencing some of the worst pain he'd had in years.
"I feel really awful about Remus," Sirius said as they carried their bags to the fireplace. "It must've been awful without us there to distract him."
James nodded in agreement. "Yeah, but at least Pete was there. Mum really needed us here just a few more days."
Once they arrived in the living room with the largest fireplace, they worked in silence. Hallie had fallen asleep on the sofa for the first time in two days and Sirius and James did everything they could to keep her in that slumber. They had said goodbye to her before she had lain down so when she awoke Hallie wouldn't be mad with worry. James lit the fire without speaking the incantation. Sirius couldn't do nonverbal spells, so he checked the Floo powder on the mantel to make sure there was enough for the two of them. "Saves me a trip to the other fireplace," Sirius muttered while squinting into the ornate pot used for Floo powder, apparently satisfied there was enough in there.
"Shh!" James reminded lightly.
"You know that makes more noise than me talking, right?"
"Shhhhhhhhh!"
"Okay, okay. You go first."
A few seconds later, they were both standing in the Entrance Hall, dusting the soot off themselves. It was empty, as it should be, since it was past meal times and Sunday.
"Well," Sirius began, looking around the castle unsatisfactorily, "I guess there's no grand welcome planned."
"Oh James! Sirius!" a voice said from the stairs.
Sirius looked up and grinned ever so slightly. "Then again, maybe there will be for you, Jamsie-poo."
James could only spare the shortest glare for him, then turned his full attention back to the gorgeous redhead that occupied every non-grief stricken thought he had while he was away. Lily was running down the stairs, watching her feet so as not to trip. When she got past that obstacle, she ran to James and looked as if she were about to pounce – James even tensed himself to get ready – but instead she skidded to a stop a good two feet from him.
Lily stood there, breathing heavily for a moment, while James watched her curiously. Sirius stood to the side, looking from James to Lily with a smug look on his face.
"Are you alright?" Lily blurted, still gasping for breath.
James' eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Yeah, as well as can be expected, I suppose."
Looking unsure of herself, Lily folded her palms together and let them hang in front of her. She nodded vigorously. "Oh, okay, good. I was…sort of…worried."
James' stomach dropped the same way it did in his father's study, only this time it wasn't sickening, it was perfect. Lily and James continued to stare at each other, wanting to say so many things, but neither had the right amount of Gryffindor courage to spill first.
Plus, Sirius was standing off to the side, rocking back and forth on his heels like a child trying to stop himself from misbehaving in order to get a treat.
"Well…" James started, but trailed off, unsure of what to say, even if there was so much to say.
Lily was the first to compose herself slightly. "Well, you have a lot to catch up on," Lily finished the start of his sentence. "I'd be happy to help with schoolwork, if you want."
James tried his damndest to not look crestfallen. "Yeah, I'd appreciate that."
Lily nodded and they stood staring at each other once more, eyes darting around awkwardly every now and then.
Sirius couldn't stand another minute of their absurdity. "James, we'd better go get unpacked and see Remus and Pete."
James turned his head slowly to Sirius, then shook it slightly as if coming out of a daze. "Right, right. Er…I guess I'll see you around, Lily."
Lily nodded again. "Yeah, sure. See ya."
Sirius and James walked up the stairs and James peeked back down to the Entrance Hall at Lily. She was standing in the exact same place she had before, only her head was hanging down. He turned resolutely, shaking his head again, only irritation crossed his features instead of longing.
When they reached the empty dorm room, James threw his travel bag across the room with a growl and slammed the door shut.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," James said, flinging himself backwards onto his bed and putting his hands over his face. "I can't stop thinking about everything I love about her." James paused and slammed his hands on the bed on either side of his body with a frustrated groan. He looked at his best friend. "What should I do, mate?"
Sirius sat heavily on his bed, looking at his distressed friend. James' feelings for Lily were getting severe; jokes were definitely not the way to advise him. "Well…maybe you should try thinking about all the things you dislike about Lily," Sirius said cautiously and James sat up, a confused look plastered on his face as if he didn't understand how "dislike" and "Lily" were used in the same sentence. "Start naming all the things that drive you mad – in a bad way," Sirius further explained. "Things that turn you off about her, things that make her uglier inside and out."
Pondering, James looked up to the ceiling as if the answer were written in the cracks and stains. He then looked down at his hands, wrinkling his nose as he did so. "Well," he began timidly. "I hate how she studies day and night."
Sirius nodded encouragement. "Good, go on."
Sighing, James continued. "I hate how she spends all her free time tutoring," James eyes narrowed and he stood up abruptly, pacing back and forth. His words came out breathlessly and rushed. "I hate that, if we did go out there would be no time for us cause of all that damn tutoringand she can be a really big bitch sometimes."
Snorting, Sirius commented, "I'll drink to that."
James gave him a short nod, but then the tension that was previously in his shoulders began to loosen and his pacing slowed to a halt. He looked at his now still feet and, after a few moments, said quietly, "But I respect her self-discipline to study that hard to get amazing grades." James paused and began pacing again, still watching his feet, but there was no anger or haste. The pace had a slow, peaceful, and recognizing feel to it. "I love how she is so helpful and generous about tutoring people, even if she doesn't like them. I love that, although she can get really angry and hurtful, it shows she isn't as perfect as I think she is. It shows she is human and that makes her even more wonderful."
Looking up, James saw a slightly grinning Sirius. "I think you answered your own question." James' terse and worried face relaxed into a smile and he and Sirius shared a knowing look. "Go get her, mate," Sirius said. James' smile grew and he ran out of the room, clapping Sirius on the back as he went.
After James' robe whipped out of sight, Sirius thought of a belated warning, which he called out and hoped James heard: "And don't do anything stupid!"
The next day Lily walked down to breakfast with Aurelia and Rita and was disappointed to see that James wasn't anywhere to be found in the Great Hall. Not only was she disappointed, but also angry. She had been completely anxious the whole time he was gone; she had to go and be a berk when she greeted him yesterday, and now she couldn't even stare at him longingly across the room.
Still, she followed Aurelia and Rita and sat with the present Marauders, none of which she was particularly happy to see. Rita cuddled up to Sirius, they had both missed each other while he was helping James, and Aurelia ran a hand through Remus' hair, asking him if he felt any better. Lily's mood went from angry to depressed instantly and that emotion intensified when she was forced to make small talk with Peter about the weather and the weekend's Charms homework.
Lily walked glumly to class, a few feet behind the gloriously happy couples, still listening to Peter go on and on and on about the Charms homework. They all headed to Potions, everyone with the exception of Peter (thankfully) who could not keep up with the class work and had to switch to Muggle Studies with the 6th years. Lily expected to see James already sitting in Slughorn's classroom, or at least run in late with his shirt half tucked in, robe dangling off his arm, and a leaning tower of toast being held up in the palm of his hand, but he didn't show up at all.
I can't be too angry; he must be going through a hard time. It is perfectly reasonable for him to skip class. Lily still slid into her seat next to Rita miserably, glancing longingly behind her at the empty seat next to Sirius.
Luckily they were only taking notes, so Lily didn't feel the need to concentrate fully. Instead she did something she usually didn't condone at all, she doodled all over her page of notes and thought of the pain James must be in right now, wishing she could skip class too and go up to his dorm to help him however she could.
Lily was in the middle seriously contemplating skipping Ancient Runes while drawing a detailed wand design with shooting sparks, when an unfamiliar crackle echoed throughout the classroom. It took a moment for Lily, and the rest of the class, to recognize the loudspeaker throughout the school that was rarely, if ever, used.
The voice that came through the speakers was not the expected Professor McGonagall or Dumbledore. It was a youthful voice, a voice that made Lily's heart stop and her throat catch.
"Ladies and gentlemen please excuse this interruption, but I have an important announcement to make to a very special girl, Lily Evans," the voice said, speaking as smooth as a club owner introducing a jazz act.
The class broke out into gossiping whispers and, just as Lily was about to shush them, the voice said, "Now, now, students, please quiet down."
The room immediately obeyed and Lily supposed the rest of the school obeyed as well, how could they not when the idolized king of Hogwarts was giving commands so kindly?
"Lily, I've asked you out every way I've ever thought possible and this is the last time I'll do it. I'm praying you've turned me down every way you've thought possible and have no other way to say no. But I can't just be your friend, that's not enough. I'm greedy and I want to be so much more than friends. I want to take care of you, support you, and love you. This is for you."
There was a deep breath, and then the voice began singing.
"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know…"
There was another deep breath and the voice began again, quietly singing the words in a low tone.
"I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you."
Lily gasped and tears sprung up in her eyes.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I must live with every day. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. That's why I need you to hear I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you."
Lily smiled and swiped at the tears spilling onto her face. She was hanging onto every word James sung in that perfectly imperfect voice of his. She could see Rita out of the corner of her eye, gazing and beaming at Lily. She could feel the eyes of everyone in the room, could hear Slughorn chuckling delightedly, but she didn't care. All she cared about was the words James was singing to her.
"I'm not a perfect person. I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know. A reason for all that I do and the reason is you."
There was a pause and Lily started laughing happily, hands clapping to her mouth and tears still pouring down her face.
"So, that's it. And I think I'm about to be busted. Thanks for your time ladies and gentlemen, I bid you adieu."
Another crackle filled the room, recognized instantly this time as the end of the transmission, and there was a moment of silence. Then whoops, hollers, and cheers filled the room. Every person, with the exception of Severus Snape, surrounded Lily. Rita was already hugging her happily and Aurelia, Remus, and Sirius pushed their way to be closest to her.
"Lily, are you going to say yes?" one voice shouted.
"I don't know, Lily, he really can't sing," another jeered playfully.
"Damnit, Lily, you better say yes, or I'll have to kill you," Sirius growled, but his eyes were sparkling with mirth.
"I need to find him, I need to tell him yes," Lily gasped from between Rita and Aurelia; between the two of them, she was locked in a death grip.
Slughorn chuckled again and pulled Lily out of the mob. "Go on, m'dear. I won't take away any house points."
Lily beamed at Slughorn and pushed her way out of the room as everyone continued whooping and hollering. In her euphoria, she didn't notice Snape sitting in the corner, watching her every movement with a horrified expression.
Lily ran faster than she ever had in her life. She raced up staircases and around corridors, for once having a perfect sense of direction and a clear head. She knew James would be in detention by now, most likely with McGonagall seeing as she didn't have a class to teach this period.
But as Lily rounded the corner to McGonagall's class, she saw the stern professor standing outside her door. "Ms. Evans, I'm afraid you'll have to wait to speak with Mr. Potter until after his detention is over."
"Oh, how long will that take?" Lily said in a rush, out of breath.
McGonagall scrutinized her, looking reproachful, but Lily could see the gleam in her eyes. "Half and hour, and he'll have a few extra detentions on top of that. You really should talk to him; he needs to set a better example as Head Boy."
"Whatever you say, Professor. I'll be waiting!" Lily said, already sliding down the wall to wait.
McGonagall looked her over once more, then opened the door to her class a crack and slid in without revealing the occupant inside.
Lily waited restlessly the room, tapping her fingers on the stone as she sorted out what she was going to say. She needed to say so many things to him, needed to apologize for so much, and convince him that she would not get scared and run again. She was here to stay.
Finally the door opened and James walked out, rubbing the back of his head and looking slightly behind him, a confused expression lurking on his features. Lily stood hastily, using the wall to scoot up quicker. She leaned against the wall, heart beating wildly, waiting for him to turn.
When James finally did, his whole body jerked as every muscle immediately ceased to work. He was frozen to the spot as he stared at Lily's unreadable expression. He couldn't tell if she was about to slap and rage because he embarrassed her in front of the whole school or if she was about to pounce and kiss because what he did was incredibly romantic. He was hoping for the latter.
James' wishes came true.
After an immeasurable moment of staring at each other, Lily panting slightly from her accelerated heart and James not breathing, not even daring to hope, Lily ran to James. She threw her arms around his neck and he unfroze just in time to catch her, although he stumbled back a few steps from the force she exerted.
As soon as his brain caught up, James pressed her as close as he could to him, burying his face in her neck, just as he had that fateful Halloween night outside her dorm. Only this time he didn't feel desperation or sorrow, he felt hope and jubilation.
"James…" she said frantically and he pressed her closer.
Lily put her hand gently on the back of his head and guided his head up. They gazed at each other, emerald into hazel, and then Lily framed her hands around James' face. When she couldn't wait another moment, Lily pressed her lips to his urgently, communicating everything she had been planning to say in that kiss. James understood every unspoken word and kissed her back with the same urgency, lips screaming unspoken declarations.
Soon their kiss turned into many small kisses. Lily slid her hands down to the tops of James' shoulders and tried to stumble out the speech she had planned. It was rather hard when James refused to let their lips separate for more than a few seconds.
"James…I have so much…to say…I've been thinking…the whole time you…were gone and after…Halloween I knew instantly…I made a mistake but…I was too shy and unsure to…say anything…"
James didn't respond, instead he began kissing her neck in a way that made Lily sure it would be bruised within the hour. It also made it impossibly hard to concentrate on what she had to say, but she had to get out, she had to apologize for all the hurt she had caused him.
"I missed you so much…and things weren't the same for so long…but every time I try to say what…I'm feeling it never comes out right….And when I see you hurt it…makes me want to die…"
James began kissing her with more force, moving his way back up to her mouth. Just get it out! Lily shouted inside her head, even though she was pulling him closer.
"I'm sorry I'm so…bad at this relationship stuff…I'm sorry you…were always so sad from what I did to you…I know I can't take it back but…I want to try as hard as I can to make it up to you…"
James finally spoke: "You are making it up to me, at least I hope I know where this is leading." His voice was husky and deep. He looked into her eyes, tracing just under her bottom row of lashes, then kissed her in a way that made her forget exactly who she was, let alone what she was trying to get out.
"I love how you kiss," she gasped when they separated for air, but he didn't let her go too far. When she spoke, her lips moved on his. James rested his forehead against hers; breathing heavily as he waited for her to finish what she had to say. "I love the way you make me feel when I'm with you."
James smiled and kissed her forehead, and then her nose. Lily rested her head against his chest and he cradled her as she stumbled across the end of her speech.
"I'm the one to blame; it's my fault it took us so long to be like this completely. It was so hard to get through a day whenever you weren't there and that's when I realized I couldn't be without you."
Lily looked up into his face and traced the outline of his lips. "Now, by the way you were kissing me, I'm guessing and hoping it's not too late to make it right. I want to be with you, I won't get scared, and I won't run away again. I promise and I'll keep my promise this time, if it's the last thing I do."
James gave her his famous lopsided grin. "It's not too late at all. But I think I need to hear you ask the actual words…"
Lily rolled her eyes, then focused them on James. "James," she said very seriously, "Will you go out with me?"
James pretended he was thinking about it. "Maybe I should give you a taste of your own medicine…" James said playfully. He released her waist and Lily immediately snaked her hands around his while ticked off his fingers. "'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,''I think it would benefit you if you learned to take your arrogance down a couple clicks,''The only way I will ever be turned on by you is the day you disappear forever,''Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interred,''Is your mirror missing in your dorm or did you mean to look like this today?''Potter –'"
"Alright, alright, alright! I get it!" Lily said, laughing. "For real, what is your answer?"
Although there was still a small glimmer of playfulness in his eyes, James immediately became serious and put a hand to Lily's cheek, stroking his thumb across her cheekbone. "Of course, Lily. I've chased after you for seven years, like I'd give you up now." Lily beamed. "But first, you have to promise me something."
Lily nodded. "Anything." Yet as soon as the word left her mouth, she internally cringed. She was about to promise a Marauder anything.
James read some of the regret in her eyes and smirked. "Don't worry, nothing like that." He took a deep breath. "If we're going to make this work, you need to let me inside even though it hurts. I don't want you to hide the broken parts that I need to see. You have to love yourself if you can ever love me." James gazed into her eyes. "Promise me you'll try, alright?"
Lily felt her heart melting at his concern for her. She nodded, closed her eyes, and kissed him again. It was sweeter this time, Lily observed, and it made her ecstatic to think that she would be kissing James as often as she pleased. James felt the exact same way.
Author Notes: Whew! That was a long chapter. Twenty pages on Word! Yikes.
I'll keep this short. Read. Review. Thanks!!
Oh, P.S., I have an idea for a novel. I want you to tell me if you think my writing is good enough for a novel. If not, please critique and help me improve! Being an author is my dream, don't be afraid to be harsh!