Title: Apathy
Chapter: 3/16
Genre: Angst/ drama
Characters: Tatsuha and Suguru
Rating: T
Warnings: Death, angst, slight OOCness, very unlikely couple.
Disclaimer: I do not own gravitation. But I do own "Sometimes apathy is good" the poem. Take it I will hunt you down and bite you.
Summery: chapter one add-on
Please read: I felt that chapter one needed…closure. So this is Suguru's POV after his death. This is part two of Good night little star (chapter 1). Apathy
Suguru's POV
The thing I fear most is your apathy
It brings out the sadder darker side of me
It was…odd at first, learning that I was dead. All normal people fear the subject, and there I was experiencing it. I looked down at myself on the hospital bed, pale as the moon, and what ticked me as odd was that I was not afraid nor surprised, only…slightly sad. But my emotions immediately changed when I looked over to Tatsuha who was holding my hand with his; I felt…anger almost.
He had witnessed my death and shed not one tear? Was I really worth as much as dirt to him?
I watch as his facial color also pales as sees my body go limp, and my eyes close. His face slowly makes a crooked, sad, almost longing smile. He stands and bends over to place one last kiss on my lips. Still holding my dead hand in his he rests his forehead on my own.
"I am so sorry…Su-kun."
So maybe he did have an ounce of love for me, and that's good enough. There was a time…when he was sweat, and loving, and caring, there was a time when he would call me "Su-kun" or "Suggie Bear!" But those days have long since been over.
I wanted to reach out, hug him and hold him, telling him he has no reason to be sorry, but my non-visible self is brushed away as Tatsuha walks past me leaving the hospital room.
But its okay…it will be just like before, when I was invisible.
He cared nothing for me, I know that, and it brought me down so low. Yet I don't care; I love him so much that I would drop as low as hell to scoop up the tiniest scrap of love I could get from him.
Please don't feel mad,
Please don't feel bad,
That makes me feel sad.
I wondered our home for months and months after my death; watching as Tatsuha slipped away from the Earth.
The apartment had turned cold and dark, and Tatsuha was a complete mess.
The thing that mystified me the most was Tatsuha's…reaction. I simply thought that if I ever died, Tatsuha would throw out my "junk" (referring to the piano) and be rid of my "trash" (referring to everything else that I own) however, he left everything alone. In fact he has hardly left our room since I died. Only doing so to go to work, pay bills, and steal the occasional sad glance at my piano.
And there…were times, the first few months of loneliness, when he would cry, and wail, to a point of no more breath…I couldn't really understand what he would say, but it's like he would blame himself at times for what happened.
Those were moments when I wanted to hold him the most; those were moments when I wanted nothing more then to be alive.
But soon his tears were gone, as with all other emotions; it was like he had either forgotten them, or simply cried them all out.
People had also stopped coming by; almost everyone had tried to pry Tatsuha out of his bed to show him a world beyond work and sorrow, the world Tatsuha had forgotten. As time moved along and as Tatsuha refused any contact with everyone, they all gave up. And that's what has angered me greatly; Tatsuha didn't deserve this…this was hell.
Every night he holds close to him a picture of me, as though my image would fade before his eyes if he ever let it go. And every night I lay my weightless, non-existent self next to him, and snuggle close.
He feels so alone in this world…and the least I can do is draw myself as close as I can to him for the rest of his life.
It's not your fault
That life was put to a halt
He mumbles it in his sleep, he cries it out when he is off to a land of nightmares, and he begs and begs in his tormented mind to be forgiven for that night.
And every time I'll push my soul around his and try to keep him warm, when yet he falls colder and farther into the dark pit.
He may have been so cruel to me, he may have been driving, he may have done a lot of things, but I swear on the hope of heaven and the fear of hell (1) that it wasn't his fault. It never was, and never shall be.
The thing I fear most is your apathy
Lurking inside of you, seeping past me
Even in my state, I try to help him. I try to free him of his deadly imprisonment of self-loathing and depression, but every night that I wrap myself around him and everyday that I whisper into his ear he slips even farther away.
Is it something I say? Is it something I do? I pray to whatever god is real that its not. I pray that this is isn't real, that I'll wake from this hellish nightmare and be able to wrap myself quickly around Tatsuha who will accept me with concern and love.
But it's not a nightmare from hell, its life. Or more like death.
Please don't give up just yet,
Please feel not one regret,
Please keep your mind set,
On this world that may hold me no more,
But for you there is so much in store.
I know he thinks about death every moment of the day. The way he eyes his razor with curiosity and allows his arms to shiver at the thought of the pain. The way he tips his prescription pain killer pills up and shakes out more pills then necessary, then pushes them back into the bottle. The way he shakes when he puts away newly cleaned knives; he thinks and tempts himself.
I fear what he will do; he normally is the kind of person to go straight for whatever he wants.
Please, whatever higher being cares to listen, save his damned soul, set him free? He has so much to live for, and yet he is simply dwelling on the fact that I no longer live.
The thing I fear most is your apathy
Your strong-willed mind giving in to sympathy
Don't get me wrong, my heart is flustered with the fact he would show such…hurt in the fact I am gone. For so long I thought he had truly hated me.
Yet I almost don't want him to show this much of despair! This is too much!
My hardheaded, perverted, cruel, beautiful lover is drowning in misery, something he would never allow himself to do.
Please remember I love you,
Please remember to love me too
Please replace me with someone new,
Just don't forget me cause you see
I'm waiting up here so you can be with me
With each passing day whatever is left of my soul is throbbing with hurt and un-shed tears. Tatsuha was alone; he was drifting away, and holding him at night and hugging him close wasn't going to catch him.
I wish people would come back and pester him; I pray that someone will come along and save him.
My heart is torn by the idea of Tatsuha moving on, finding new love. But…he needs it to survive. He needs it to make it through this hell and he can't do it physically alone.
Yet however no one will come. They have all given up…just like Tatsuha.
The thing I once feared most was your apathy,
And then it was the lack of love you had for me
When I was alive and well with Tatsuha, my heart always hurt. My soul ached for him to care about me, care about us. I wanted nothing more then for him to hold me tight and say he loved me.
But he never did, ever. And if this soul that is my being now could cry, I would, every moment of the day that I haunt now.
I thought he never loved me, and I died like that. I died without a good bye, a kiss, or an "I love you". I died cold and alone, and I still feel it even now.
I'm cold and alone, and now so is Tatsuha. I want to blame him, I want to hate him, but I can't. What is there to hate and blame? I love him so much, even though he has left me cold and alone.
Please send to me your love,
Please send it all away to me above,
Please, I need that kind of shove
To move on
One day as I watch the helpless Tatsuha curl up in bed and close his eyes, I felt a warm hand lay on my shoulder. I quickly turn around in fear.
I turned and I looked but I saw no face, I was just feeling a presence. This disturbed me a lot. I was about to jump into the bed to lie next to Tatsuha's retreated body, but then a soft voice spoke to me.
'You should…leave. If you understand.' Whether this voice was in my mind, or aloud was unknown.
Looking back at Tatsuha on the bed I shook my head no. I did no longer fear of this other near me, for my being and soul was pulled to Tatsuha and I could not long concentrate on anything other.
The warmth engulfs me, and it's as though I can feel breath on my shoulder.
'Move on…come with me and I will take you to a place where you will forget all your troubles and fears…forget about the one you long for…he can move on and so can you'
My eyes went wide and my head filled with thoughts.
Did I want Tatsuha to move on? Did I want him to forget? Did I want to forget?
'No.' a whispered back sternly. Tatsuha was life, my life.
'Do you love him? From the bottom of heart, to the ultimate levels of your knowledge?'
My eyes fill with tears that cannot shed, and I nod my head.
'Then to set him free, you must let him go. That is the power of love; freedom cannot be found unless freedom is achieved.'
Although I don't understand the meaning of his words, I know they must be true.
'Come with me, and you will go to a place where you will never hurt, nor feel pain again. All the memories that torment instead of sooth you will be gone.'
But now that's what I fear more then your apathy
Is you moving on without me
For one last night I crawl on the bed and lay next to Tatsuha, wrapping my arms around him tightly.
I didn't want to let go, but I had to. I had to leave. I can't hang on forever to something that was barely there. My soul was growing weak, numb, and sore and I have to be free, so does Tatsuha.
Please don't forget us,
Please, even if you felt no love only lust,
Please let me know in your heart I had trust
Tatsuha I beg you like I begged those seemingly non-existent gods, don't forget about us. Please don't forget I love you from the bottom of my heart. With every fiber of my long gone body to every stitch of my dieing soul, I love you.
But I need to go. I'm growing weary, and no matter how much I love you I have to let go, I have to leave this world.
Tatsuha I beg of you here on my hands and knees that you will remember me, let me fade away, but remember me.
Now no one is left to worry about your apathy,
No more sorrow swimming inside of me,
Well, none that you can see
Slowly I feel like I am disappearing in the suspicious warmth; tears that the laws of my soul once forbade to be release fall like rivers as I try to grab hold of Tatsuha's sleeping body.
I call and I shout and I beg for Tatsuha to save me, I didn't want to go, not without him.
He needed me as I need him. He needed me to save him from himself.
Please remember to wipe your tears,
Please remember to beat your fears,
Please save yourself when trouble nears
Please, anyone out there who has the power, someone save Tatsuha. Someone love him, someone take care of him. He is on the very edge of death and at any moment a gust of wind can push him over.
He is afraid, as I am. He is alone, as I am. He is weak, as I have been since I knew him.
Because I'm no longer there,
And that is making my heart tear.
My eyes grow heavy and start to close as I watch Tatsuha disappear right before them. Or is it I who is disappearing? I try to keep them open, wanting to steal yet another glance at my broken love.
The thing I fear most is your apathy
It brings out the darker sadder side of me
My darkness is slipping right through my fingers and I'm scrambling to pick them back up; those are mine! My love and dreams and hopes and everything that is Tatsuha are leaving me and I can't bear the thought that I will never see those eyes again. I will never remember him ever again. I need him, want him!
Please god someone stop this! True, Tatsuha was pain in my mind, but even if it was a sad terrible time of my life spent with him, he is I. He is my life and without whatever I have of him, I am truly gone.
So please hear all of my pleas
Please you've got me down on my knees
Live along with you're life,
Even with all you're pain and strife,
Cause you'll make it through
As every ounce of my love, my life seeps through my ripped open heart I slowly give in, and call out for one last bit of luck that will grant my unheard wish.
Please just let him be happy. Please let him be okay. He is such a great person and he deserves so much in life.
The thing I once feared most was your apathy
I close my eyes completely and then I am gone…
Now I fear only mine.
Tatsuha Uesugi opened his eyes and looked into the small pocket sized picture of Suguru; for the first time in two and half years, he felt truly cold and alone.
End Chapter
(1)This is a phrase I got from "Johnny Tremain" (a book) and I fell in love with it.