Chapter title: Remember my voice
Chapter: 6/16
Genre: angst…. slight romance
Rating: T, for a sad topic not for kiddies that like elves, unicorns and rainbows.
Characters: Tatsuha and Suguru.
Warnings: You best have a Costco sized box of tissues . I cried writing this.

Life is such a painful experience, and yet it at times will un-expectedly surprise you with great joy.

To all those looking into living a life, turn back while you still have the chance. It's full of disappointment after disappointment, but to all those brave enough to give it a shot, don't fall in love. I did once…so long ago, and all I can remember now is how much it hurt. It always hurts in the end.

His name was Tatsuha…he was sweet, romantic and loving. At first I thought he was a pointless, dumb, pervert. He was strange, and had an undying passion for Ryuichi Sakuma.

But then the unthinkable happened; I was set up on a blind date. Me. Suguru Fujisaki. Blind date. Those words didn't seem to go together too well. And it didn't, but not until the second date. But that's beside the story now.

Apparently Shuichi had formed a little scheme in that little brain of his, and set up Eiri-san's brother and I on a blind date. I myself was amazed that such an idiot would have come up with it, and at the time I was furious. And now I can't seem to thank Shindou-san enough for it.

So I met Tatsuha, and ate dinner with him. He was so…childish it scared me. But non-the less he tried to be polite. And after dinner he rode me to my home on that…. motorcycle of his, which later became the source of my reseating hairline (do to the fact that monk drove like a maniac).

Ah and that's another thing about him, he was a monk. The strangest one I have ever met, for sure. I learned that on our second date, in which was at a coffee shop. How he convinced me to take his phone number, and actually call him I don't know. I honestly wanted to crumple that paper up and throw it in the trashcan. For I knew the ways of life.

I knew how easy it was to make a heart break. I knew that daring to walk away from the straight line would cause only hurt and pain. But I wanted…to give it a try. I wanted to free myself from the chains that protected me, yet hurt so badly at the same time. I promised myself I wouldn't get hurt; if anything were to happen I would pull back from being an open book, back to a person just trying to make my way.

So I called him. I called him out of the pure curiosity of what loving was like. Out of wondering what being a normal human being was like. I wanted to know how it felt to be in the highest of clouds all the way down to the painful sting of the heart, only caused by the unforgiving flames of hell. It was a risk I knew there was no backing away from.

And when he kissed me good night after the date, I knew I didn't want to back away. He had swept me off my feet. He taught me things that teachers and tutors and textbooks could never teach me. He made sure that I knew I was an amazing person. He made sure I flew with the wings I had.

He set me free to a sky of a world never known. It was our world and I loved it. I loved every grain of dirt, to every branch of the tallest tree.

In other words, he taught me love and how great it really was.

And for four years, we were happy. I began to see past his childish ways and past his idiotic moments. I learned how romantic and sweet he was, despite his moronic sense of opinion. I also learned how…cough great it was. He could be gentle and sweet, all the way to rough and dirty. And in all of my shyness, I still couldn't and –to this day- cannot deny that.

But as I thought nothing could bring me down from this incredible high, it did. And since we were so high, we fell so incredibly and painfully hard.

We were both twenty at that time, and even though we were so young, love couldn't have been easier for us to understand.

And then he got a cough. Simple as that. We both thought it was a cold; the symptoms seemed like it too, so he lived on some Advil and other pain reducing medications for a while.

But the weeks went by, and the cough hadn't gone away. Instead, it turned into violent racks of hacking and coughing and neither of us understood what it was. I told him to go see the doctor, but him in his stubbornness refused. Saying he was just fine.

And I believed him.

He would look at me sweetly; give me a gentle kiss, and say, "Don't worry yourself, because as long as you're fine, I'm fine."

I remember the weird little rituals…I mean habits he had. He made it his life goal to collect every magazine, every poster, every TV interview, ANYTHING "Bad Luck" or "Fujisaki Suguru!". As weird as it sounds…I found it…cute. He didn't know that I knew; he had his stash "well-hidden" in the attack above the closet. Till this day I haven't even touched those pieces of Tatsuha's treasure; I've left it the way it was since the very last time Tatsuha had touched them.

But even as I hoped and watched as Tatsuha became sicker and sicker, almost begging him to seek medical attention, he refused. I wondered at the time why he wouldn't go, even though he himself knew he was beyond your common cold.

His skin grew colder and paler and his eyes seemed to grow darker. He was sick, physically and emotionally and it was really starting to show.

Every morning I once was used to being surrounded in complete warmth; Tatsuha's arm wrapped around me tightly. But as Tatsuha became sicker I woke up numerous times during the night to his shudders and cries and moans of pain. And by the morning I would try and pull him to a doctor, but he would just kiss me sweetly as usual, and say, "best be getting up or you'll be late for work."

And as he grew weaker, I felt myself becoming sick too. Restless nights and long working days, on top of that a very sick boyfriend was really wearing down on me. But I kept going. The only reason why, is because I knew that's what Tatsuha wanted; he hated to see me down because of him. He lived on my smiles, or so he told me.

I remember one time, as Tatsuha was at his worse days of illness; he managed get out of bed before I even woke that morning. It was our anniversary, and I thought there wouldn't be any celebrating. But I knew I was wrong when I woke to a sweat smell of something.

Sitting up in the bed, I saw Tatsuha standing in the threshold of the bedroom door, holding a tray of fresh fruits and other breakfast assortments. He stood there; his hair lay flat on his head, no longer holding the shine it once did. His skin pale and body thin. He was slowly eroding away and just the image of him broke my heart.

Slowly he walked over to our bed, setting the tray in the middle as he scooted back under the covers.

Leaning over the tray, he planted a kiss on my forehead.

"Happy anniversary, Suguru…"

I was so happy that I felt tears of joy reach my eyes. It was so sweet of him to do, especially when he was so sick he hardly left the bed.

But that same night, I woke up again, but without the feeling of arms around me. The bed was empty, and Tatsuha was nowhere in the room. As my eyes traveled through the darkness I noticed light coming from under the bathroom door. Tiredly I stood, and made my way across the bedroom to the bathroom. And what happened next as I opened the bathroom door, I wouldn't take no for an answer; people throwing up blood in the middle of the night couldn't be healthy.

And so he went to the doctor. They ran tests after tests and couldn't find the cause. His symptoms just didn't match up; there was nothing they could do. He was forced to stay in the hospital bed. They filled him up on medications but nothing was working. He was getting sicker, and sicker…

I spent my nights and days struggling and praying for some sort of turn for the better. I visited him as much as possible, doing my best to make him comfortable. It wasn't right; Tatsuha was a person who needed freedom, he needed to be active and hyper and childish but he couldn't. He was weak and tired.

I would sit at the side of his bed, read to him, and brush his hair out of his face, anything to make him happy. And I kept my smile on, knowing he hated to see me frown, even though I was dieing and crumbling inside.

Visitors came and went, even Tatsuha's older brother, Eiri-san came every now-and-then.

The seasons passed, no longer was it summer. I continued to stay by his side, doing my best to make him comfortable as he could hardly get up anymore. He was tired, and not just in a sleepy sense. His time was coming and we all knew it.

I remember I would go home and cry each night until I could fall asleep. I held in the tears during the day, trying to be strong for him, and set them free at night. I needed and wanted him there to hold me and protect me, but now it was I who had to carry that burden, and a heavy one at that.

I didn't accept nor deny any of it. It was so hard to do either and I couldn't bare any more pain or any more tears. And Tatsuha knew this; he knew I didn't want any of this anymore.

One of his last days on this earth, I remember had started out like any other day. I had gone in straight from work, sat down and talked. We would just…talk and nothing more. But the conversations became more one-sided as Tatsuha lost his strength to speak.

He kept close eye contact with me, nodded in agreement with some of my babblings. He would try to smile but even those few mussels were too weak to move. Slowly, he pushed his hand over the edge of the bed, and rested it on my thigh, signaling for my hand. And I obligated, lacing my fingers in his cold skinny ones. I resisted my urge to squeeze them, fearing that they might break.

Looking straight in his eyes I felt tears well up in my own, finally breaking free in front of him. I couldn't hold back anymore; being strong was too hard. He was dieing! Forever to be gone! My body quivered as my silent crying turned into harsh, racking sobs.

"Tatsuha…please don't leave me!"

As he continued to hold my gaze, tears fell from his eyes too.

And finally I accepted it. And it hurt. We all had to, and when the realization swept over us all, friends and family, Tatsuha was at his last hours of life.

All of us sat in the private waiting room; Tatsuha's elder sister sobbed as Seguchi-san tried desperately to comfort her, Eiri remained emotionless as Shindou-san sat next to him.

The doctor greeted us kindly and with a sad face explained to us Tatsuha fate. They hadn't a clue what the cause was, only that he was doomed from the beginning.

One by one, we all went in, talking and hugging Tatsuha. I, being the last, stayed with him through out the night. I did my best to give him a smile as I sat in the chair I had grown accustomed to over the last half year. I stroked his cheek lovingly, letting my smile fade, as I knew this was the last time I would ever see his eyes open.

"Smile…for me…" Tatsuha begged with a weak, almost non-existent voice. Two tears slipped from my eyes as my lips quivered. I stretched my lips as far as I could in my emotional state.

"You're…so…beautiful…" he said with a struggled breath. His hand lifted from the bedside, brushing lightly over my shivering lips.

And he died. No surprise.

Yet…I felt like someone pulled a carpet from right under my feet.

His soul was gone. Never again was he going to hold me. Never again would he wipe my tears away. Forever all that would be left of him on this earth was his body, buried somewhere six feet under.

And soon after, I received his will, and all other assets and things. I personally didn't care for those things, for nothing seemed to matter after he died…

A month or so after Tatsuha's funeral, there was a knock on my door. Tiredly I dragged my self out of bed, throwing on a shirt and walked to the front door.

I didn't do much with my life then. I work, ate, and then slept. I slept on days off, I slept as soon as I came home from work, any and every moment I could. I liked doing this…it was the only easy way to forget how much my life sucked.

Opening the door, I expected a gun in my face, knowing I was probably late for work again due to my over sleeping; yet instead I was greeted with the site of someone much unexpected.

"Morning Fujisaki-san." Eiri-san said, standing with a neutral expression as usual. Before I could speak, he continued himself.

"I am here on business concerning my brother…" my head had quickly emptied of anything to say. I moved out of the way of the door, inviting the older man in, but he shook his head.

"No…this will only take a second." He reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a flat circular object, and held it out in front of me to take. Picking it up, I examined the object closer. The lines across the top of it indicated it was a recorder of some sort, a raised button off to the very edge of it. I looked up to Eiri-san in confusion, but he just shook his head and pointed to the button.

As is it lay in the palm of my hand, I pushed the button.

'I love you Suguru' my heart seemed to stop as I froze. My eyes went wide as they gazed down at the white object in my hand.

I pressed it again, the sound filling my ears 'I love you Suguru' and again 'I love you Suguru' and over and over again till I could finally comprehend what it was.

Every time I pushed the button it recited Tatsuha's voice. He sounded…healthy and happy. Not at all like he did at his deathbed. As unwanted tears made their way down my face I looked up at Eiri-san again.

"What…is this?" I asked, pleading for an answer. He sighed, and shook his head slightly.

"My brother had told me to give this to you, months before he died. When he first got sick. I was told to give this to you, and so I am."

My head began to spin; why would Tatsuha do that? Did he think he was really going to die the first few days he was ill?

"He didn't tell you, did he?" Eiri asked, looking almost annoyed.

Shaking my head, I whispered, "No…"

"He most likely didn't want to hurt you…" Eiri said, "He told me how you pushed and pushed for him to go to a doctor all the time he was ill. He never did on your watch did he?" he paused for my answer, and I shook my head no.

"Well truth is, he did go. He went at least once or so a week. He knew, Suguru. He knew very well that he would soon pass away. So he made this for you."

That little device is how I live still today. It's the only thing keeping me moving in this world that holds him no more.

And this is why life is never worth living. When someone tells you to "live a little", remember that's how you get hurt. Living beyond the sidewalk is how your heart will get shot down, how you will succumb to a weakness. You are taught things you don't want to be taught. You learn things you don't want to learn, and no matter how good and happy things all seem, you will fall. You will hurt. You will cry.

I push that button every day. It is my weakness, and I hate it. Tatsuha opened me up and I can never close again. I have felt pain that could have been avoided. I have gone through things that I never should have gone through.

I am done; never again will I walk off the line I walked. But I will remember…

I will remember with that button, what it felt like to be happy. What it felt like, to live.

Most of all…

I will remember his voice…

End Chapter

Good? Bad? Review.