Disclaimer: I don't own it. I do however own "Ticket to hell" despite how much it sucks.
Title: Cold flames
Chapter: 8/16
Characters: TatsuhaxSuguru
Rating: 14+
Genre: angst
Summery: when love is dull, is there something that can be done?
Warnings: A lot of OOC. Do forgive me. I tried to do a good persona of Suguru but it slipped when the plot of this twisted in my head.

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Yeah that's how far you've fell

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

First class seats and everyone's to tell

Suguru's POV

"Love doesn't get old, or boring…it just gets lost. It's like…a scar. You get a booboo from when you're younger, but over the years it just fades away. And then finally after so long it's gone. You can't find the mark on your skin anymore, even though you know it was once there."

How is it anyone can explain something so heart tearing, with such ease? How is it someone who claims he's in love so simply explain out a fact of a subject I fear so damn much?

Well then again you never know what Shindou-san has going on in his mind.

To long now have I wondered, reasoned, considered and pondered things. Unpleasant things for a relationship. Over and over again I've continuously tried to understand the reasons for his behavior…for mine. Is it my fault? Am I not enough to please him? I mean I buy him stuff…I do so much for him…everything he wants he will get no matter how much I disagree.

And no matter how badly I want to leave, I can't.

You play with fire and you tend to learn

You mess with love and you tend to cry

But you let yourself go and you tend burn

Hey just give it up

I want to walk out, say so long. But no matter how noticeably that "scar" is gone, something keeps me with him.

Despite his…going elsewhere for things.

I linger in the shadows now a day. I watch from the sidelines as others cater to him, and yet he is so oblivious to my eyes and hints that I know. I know his dirty little secrets, and every time I lay to sleep in bed I can't help but cringe at the thought I'm not the only one to lay here besides Tatsuha.

I'm not surprised though. I expect the worst from him to be honest.

So my heart aches with the undeniable truth that I am no longer good for much. So I do my best to keep him happy else wise. I truly do. I'm like the mother who wouldn't stop spoiling her undeserving brat. But its not working anymore either. Nothing no matter how great it is will get more then an "Oh wow…thanks." from him.

Pretty things will tend to be deceiving

But so will everyone else

Your heart cries and your to blame

So you won't allow yourself the relief of death

I forgot what he feels like, what he tastes like, and his smell, his everything. He's gone…so gone from me. Tears pool at my eyes every time I catch him touching another. How dare he…what good are they? Those sluttish girls can't give him everything I can! I can shower him in gifts, items and gold's no one has ever dreamed of! And yet…my attempts are futile as I'm swept aside.

For months now I've been trying to walk. Trying to leave a note that says "good night and good luck." But I can't. I mean my suitcases are in the closet waiting. Everything is packed up, the note is written. All I have to do is go…but I still can't.

What should I do? Degrading as it is, I'll do anything…anything for that scar to come back. I want him back so bad, but all he wants is I gone.

Hey now hey now don't you cry

Hey now hey now you'll never fly Cause you

And hearing him stumble through the halls to our bedroom, knocking a glass vase full off dead roses to the floor, drunk and giggling with another woman only proves it.

I remain silent as I pick up the pieces and rose petals, laying towels down to dry the water.

I must have been there a long time, for soon I hear footsteps behind. I don't look up though…if I try to make myself invisible then it will make Tatsuha happy.

"Who's that?" the obviously very satisfied woman slurred, swaying drunkenly to the door.

"It's no one." And the front door slammed shut.

"It's no one."

I'm no one. The words repeat in my head as they ring loud with fact and honesty. I am no one. Not anymore.

I can feel his body tower over me from my side, yet I still am hunched on my knees, wiping a very dry floor…back and forth…spreading the petals around and scratching the glass in to the hardwood…

"Why are you still here?" he asked tiredly.

Yet I didn't answer. There was no answer. So he simply walked to the bedroom and closed the door.

And there I was…all night. Scrubbing the ground back and forth…the glass ripped the rag eventually… the petals of the once lively roses became soaked and tore into pieces…pieces of the shattered vase stuck to my hands…sometimes ripping the skin.

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Yeah that's how far you've fell

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

First class seats and everyone to tell

But I shed not a tear. Nope.

Had I snapped? I don't know...does sitting in one position and fruitlessly scrubbing the floor all night and well into the next day make me mental? Maybe.

What would make Tatsuha happy? What will bring him back to me?

What will it take?

Slowly I stood from the floor, sore muscles making them selves known. Yet I didn't care…I stepped on the glass, some catching in my socks as I walked towards the bedroom.

I stood beside the bed, and poked hard at Tatsuha's arm.

5:30 in the morning…he'll be pissed. But this is what must be done. I'll kill for him if that's what it means.

"What do you want? Do you know how fucking early it is? You annoying pest." Tatsuha spat out venomously as he sat up.

"What can I do for you?"

My question seemed to puzzle him…so I asked again.

"I'll do anything…what is it you want? I'll get whatever you want or need for you…I'll do whatever you wish. Anything short of me leaving you…but if its what you wish I shall do it…"

Tatsuha sighed and flopped back under the covers.

"You woke me up for that? Damn you're annoying. I don't know…kill yourself for all I care." Tatsuha said with a snort.

My face fell as the harshness of his word hit hard.

But he wants it…and I'll do it.

Don't you cry, don't you cry

Just fall, forgive and not forget

Cause hun your gonna not find a way

Yeah we've all got hell to pay

"Okay." I said. Turning around I started to head towards the bedroom door.

Pills, pills, pills…So many different ones. It was like skittles in my hands. Laughing shortly, I decided it wasn't enough. So I opened to cabin and looked for more. More pills…I tried to avoid using Tatsuha's medications…because he needs them, but his sleeping pills were the only thing that would fully do the trick.

Throwing them all into my mouth, I stick my head under the sink and drank the gross water. Yet I didn't care…I was finally doing something that would surely make Tatsuha happy. It was on his request and all! This would surely do the trick…maybe now I can feel that love again…or maybe not…but at least he'll be satisfied.

Feeling creepily giddy, I walked back to the bedroom, and woke Tatsuha one last time.

"What now you moron!" Tatsuha grumbled into his pillow.

"Tatsuha, please hold me…" Tatsuha turned in the bed, his back facing me.

"Let me fuckin' sleep."

"Please Tatsuha…as my last request. I'm doing yours…please do mine." I begged. It's all I want…just to die in his arms…oh how happy I'll be…

Things started to get hazy as I watched Tatsuha turn and sit up, giving me a funny look.

"Suguru…what the hell does that mean?" what a stupid question. He's being dumb.

"Please just hold me so I can be happy okay? Things are starting to spin and I'm going to fall a sleep soon." Tatsuha eyes went big as he quickly stood. Wait…was his eyes big? I can't tell anymore…my vision was slipping away.

"Suguru what the fuck!" He's shaking me now…is he mad at me? I thought this is what he wanted.

"Please hold me…I did what you asked…its only fair…"

"Suguru!"

Hey now hey bird forgot how to fly

Hey now, hey now don't you cry Cause you

Ever get the feeling that you've snapped? That you've lost every ounce of sanity? If you have…you know how much it sucks for everyone else to know about it too.

Oh the tabloids and my family wouldn't shut up. Suguru this, Suguru that, it was like a friggin' pity parade.

But when I woke up to the beeping noise of a heart monitor, all I felt was shame. I hadn't done what he wanted me to do…Probably why he doesn't love me anymore. I can't fulfill his wants.

It didn't help to see the sign on another patient's door outside my own room's window: "Suicide Watch ward: room number..." Great. I'm in with the loonies.

Looking beside me, I see to my surprise Tatsuha, looking at me emotionlessly. Go figures…not a tear in his eye, not a ruffle of his clothing. He didn't show a sign that was even thinking about me at all other then he was there.

"I'm…sorry." I say weakly, with all honesty.

He looked me straight in the eye, as though not fazed.

"Why?" that brings a crooked smile to my face.

"Because I couldn't do the one thing that would make you happy." That slapped him good. He swallowed loudly and drew his eyes to the ground.

"You never answered me you know," he breathed out.

"You never told me…why you were still here." I pondered this… for the hundredth time.

Grabbing his hand from his side, I held it close.

"Why are you still here?"

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Yeah that's how far you've fell

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

First class seats and everyone to tell

He gave me no reply other then to hold my hand tighter. His eyes were still cold. I can remember a day when he was so much…warmer. But those memories are far out of reach.

I wish he'd say he loved me. I wish he would hold me and say he was sorry for everything, and that he didn't mean to break my heart.

But my wishes I don't think will ever come true again as I lay there, waiting for a damn response from him.

I'm falling Tatsuha please pull me back.

"When you brought home those women was that your way of telling me you wanted me gone?" I asked out of curiosity. And yet I still got no response.

"Was I not enough to satisfy you in bed? Was that it?" I pushed further, trying to make him talk.

"Shut up…" he mumbled, pulling his hand from mine and running it through his hair.

"Is the fact that I gave up everything and still am willing to do so not enough for you? Is it not enough that I gave you my body, heart and soul and everything else?"

"I said. Shut. Up." Of course I decide to ignore this comment. Sitting up I search for his gaze again.

"Did I not buy you enough things? Did I not give enough?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Bingo. He's finally mad. He stood up from the chair and goes to look out the window on the right side of the room.

"…Do you not love me anymore?" I knew the answer I would get was going to hurt. So I prepared for the worst.

"Why didn't you just leave damn it?" he asked without looking away from the setting sun.

"Why didn't you leave huh? Why didn't you say "So long" and be on your way?" I snapped back.

Oh fuck…I'm crying now.

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Your going to burn I can tell

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Your cold yet burning in flames for the soul you sell

"Love doesn't get old, or boring…it just gets lost. It's like…a scar. You get a booboo from when you're younger, but over the years it just fades away. And then finally after so long it's gone. You can't find the mark on your skin anymore, even though you know it was once there."

After Shindou-san said that to me in answer of a question I brought up, I never got to ask him, how do we make that scar come back?

Tatsuha's "scar" obviously had faded many ages ago. And yet, as I thought mine did, it hadn't. I was simply looking for a way to cut him again. Simply hoping not all was lost.

Tatsuha never answered my question of why he himself didn't leave, or any of my questions for that matter.

Accept for one.

About 6 months after I had come home from the hospital, after re-insurance that I'd see a shrink, I was home. I never set foot in a shrink's office, just so you know. I wasn't crazy I was devoted.

Of course a silence has loomed over us for I don't know how long. He goes through out his day, I went through out mine. We'd come home, eat and sleep. I knew nothing about him anymore or what he did other then go to work and come home…or at least I think. I don't even remember what his job is anymore…not a monk … he left the temple when his dad found out we were dating.

Yet one day our routine was broken, for he came home early. The door opened and I could hear his footsteps coming towards me in the kitchen.

Looking through the fridge I pull out the milk, glancing at Tatsuha who stood against the wall.

"Would you like something…" it wasn't said as much of a question…just words that slipped into the air to float in awkward silence.

He shook his head no and continued to lean against the wall of the kitchen entrance.

So solemnly I went to a cupboard, turning my back to him, and grabbed myself a glass cup, poring milk into it.

But then…I feel something I haven't felt in to long, something that almost made me drop my glass…

And the preacher says "may god be with you"

And the people say "yeah we'll miss you"

Hold on tight cause you

Warmth. Arms wrap around me gently, and I almost scream thinking it's an intruder. No way would he-

"Want to…try one more time?"

His breath was warm against my ear, sending a shiver through my body. I turn in his arms facing him.

What should I say? After so long of us… being practically separated, so long of him cheating, and lying.

Did I really want him back?

…Yeah…I did.

His arms wrapped tighter around me as I pulled him down for warm kiss. Warmth. I felt warm.

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

Yeah that's how far you've fell

Hey you've got your one-way ticket to hell

First class seat and everyone to tell

For to long now I have suffered hell, and despite its burning flames I haven't felt one ounce of warmth. I've longed…thirsted for that long lost feeling.

Maybe I gave in to easily. Maybe I allowed myself to let him have me back when I shouldn't have. I deserved a sorry, yet I gave forgiveness without one.

But you see…I have this persistent scar in my heart, as sappy as it sounds, and it just won't go away.

And I'll do everything I can, like I have been for so long now, to give Tatsuha his back.

I'll see you there

End Chapter