Hello again! As I've said before: thank you to everybody who has reviewed! There were 67 of you in the last five days! I was flabbergasted! I said this on the Author's Note of my other story, but I'll say it again for those of you who don't read it (Imagine yourself in my shoes as you check your e-mail 24 hours after posting and finding that your unread e-mails have shot up from 34 to 205!)

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Alright, I'm reposting this chapter because about two paragraphs got cut off toward the end and I also want to clear something up. Alice can have visions of the wolves now, when they decide not to phase. Now that no new wolves have been added to the pack in over fifteen years, they all have good enough self-control that Alice can see them. However, once they even consider phasing, her visions disappear. The Cullens have come up with their own explanation for this disappearance, Bella is happy, and Bella doesn't even know that the visions disappear. Jake and Leah have decided not to phase when Little Alice is around, that's why Alice was able to see the wolves if only for a second.

I am not Stephenie Meyer!

Chapter Eight

EPOV

When Bella arrived at my house late that night my cold dead heart almost went into palpitations. Alice and Emmett had brought her here against my permission, and I was in no state to see her, especially after what had happened in the hallway that afternoon. When I heard her voice, slightly slurred and very amused I realized why Alice had brought her here, she was drunk as a skunk, as they say.

I disappeared when she walked in the door, or rather as Emmett carried her through the door. But then Jasper came up to tell me not to go see her, and that she was already disturbed enough. Apparently Alice had had a vision of why she had been drinking: of her telling the bartender everything about her and me, then him looking at her like she was crazy. I hadn't been paying attention to anything much about the happenings in the house until I heard my name. Automatically, I tuned in to their conversation.

"Where's Edward?" Bella asked, I stood to go downstairs, she wanted me and thus me she would get. I wanted to listen to more, but suddenly Jasper was there, blocking my path.

"Excuse me, Jasper."

"No, you can't see her Edward. She was out drinking because of you, do you think that she wants to see you?"

"I don't care, she wanted me, she asked about me. I have to see her."

"Damn, you're in love. But I'm sorry, Alice ordered me to keep you away."

I threw a lamp at him, the glass shattering all around us; I didn't need him to make fun of me! "Let me see her!"

Trying to dissuade me from satisfying her need for me (Alright, I was exaggerating a bit, but I needed to at the time to soothe my own psyche.) "Edward, she's sloshed. She can barely see straight!"

I growled softly, not wanting to scare Bella. Then Jasper and I both heard Alice hiss up the stairs. "Shut up! She can hear you."

"I don't care!" I told her and Jasper defiantly at the same time that Bella said, "I don't mind."

We quieted, and I heard Bella making odd noises and laughing. Jasper raised an eyebrow at me as if to say 'I told you so.'

I heard Emmett say, "I sure as hell hope I did not do that when I was drunk." I didn't need Jasper's power to hear the revulsion in his voice. Emmett was usually pretty easy-going…I knew that Bella must have been pretty, well, drunk.

I took advantage of Jasper's distraction to run downstairs and see Bella. "Hello Bella. Are you alright?" I asked her.

"I'm great! And that's Ms. Swan to you!" She said decisively before starting to laugh again.

I was shocked. She was so drunk! The Bella I knew was too sensible to go and get smashed. How had she gotten this way? What had been done to her? "What did you do to yourself?"

"I went to a bar, Edward. A lot of people do it." She seemed somewhat annoyed.

"You're so drunk, though…I never thought that you'd be like this…"

Alice had a smug look on her face. "I am. This is me, Edward. Now that I'm here are you going to have your way with me?" I almost died, if I could have, I would have cried. I got that feeling in my stomach just as if I had just eaten an entire apple pie by myself. I needed to get it out of my system.

Alice started laughing. "I think you should go to bed, Bella. You're not yourself."

"Yes I am! I'll always be Bella!" Her leg twitched oddly before she fell asleep immediately.

It was a while before she began to talk. I remembered loving that she used to talk, but now it was just so much more precious to me. I sat on the bottom step of the stairs, listening to her.

She was mumbling, but I recognized the conversation perfectly. I could have by just the way her lips moved. I had replayed that particular conversation in my head so many times…trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing and that if she was happy, I would be happy.

"Okay, let's talk." She had said that as I was preparing myself to tell her that we were leaving.

"Why now? Another year –" I was listening to her, but I remembered everything perfectly.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over again soon regardless." She had looked confused when I said that, trying to wrap her mind around the concept. I didn't know what her confusion was…and then she looked at me with horror in her eyes. I had to keep so still. I couldn't betray any emotion or she would know that I was lying. I wanted so much to reach out and comfort her…but this had been vital to my act.

Bella spoke in her sleep again: "When you say we –," It was the exact intonation that she had used in the forest. That must be what her dream was about. I couldn't believe it. She still dreamt about me?

I had said, "I mean my family and myself." I had been trying so hard not to use any emotion in my language. I'm afraid that she thought it was coldness…or maybe I hoped that. If she believed me, maybe it wouldn't be all for nothing. But of course know I knew that she had a werewolf in tow. I didn't know if they were married or not, I didn't even know if they lived together, but I hadn't gone back to Bella's house since that night when Alice was sick. Maybe Jacob had returned to her. I knew that her baby was adopted, but it could have been the both of them choosing to adopt. Maybe she couldn't have children…

Bella's voice interrupted my werewolf-deprecating train of thought. "Okay, I'll come with you."

She had been reasoning with me, and I almost said 'Alright, come with me." And scooped her into my arms to run her back to the house in order to pack and let Charlie know. But I didn't, I said instead, "You can't Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you."

The second I'd finished thinking that she said, "Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella." It was true then and it's still true now.

"Don't be ridiculous." How I loved that exasperated tone of her voice. It was so cute! Her voice changed a bit and became more pleading than before, "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you." It wasn't that I hadn't wanted her to be a vampire, it was that I didn't want her be in danger all of her life. Because I knew that with blood so sweet for her to initiate the vampire bite would be an absolute act of suicide (with anybody but Carlisle). Thus she could not be changed, and she could not stay human with me. Of course, now I know that she just went down to the werewolves, the next most dangerous beast…and young werewolves at that!

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" Her voice was shrill, beginning to rise.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

You promised! In Phoenix you promised that you would stay –" Her voice was pleading, so sad…I wanted to kiss her awake, and chase away the bad dreams, but somehow I knew that it wouldn't help.

Alice came up to me, pulling Jasper's hand, "Edward, Jazz and I are going out to hunt if anybody asks, alright?"

I nodded and continued my recollection of that last conversation with Bella. "As long as that was best for you." This is exactly why I had made that stipulation when talking to her in Phoenix. I knew that we would have to go for her own safety.

"No!" my imaginary standing-in-the-forest Bella and the real sleeping-in-my-living-room Bella shouted, "This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"

That was when I knew she wasn't going to let go…I knew that I had to make the final strike, the words that would send me to my own personal execution. But I had to make the sacrifice for her. I had to let her go without any feelings that she would betray me if she moved on as I knew that she would. "Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke very slowly, having to force out each word separately, having to rely on my fantastic lying skills to shield my eyes from her.

Both Bellas got very quiet. They were both so quiet that I almost couldn't hear her. "You…don't…want me?"

I went hunting that night, when it was clear that I wasn't going to hear any more of her beautiful and torturous voice. I hadn't been there when she woke up. I couldn't decide whether or not to go back for that. I decided to be there when she did, but by the time I got back, just after three in the morning, she was already up. She was talking to Emmett. As I neared the house I heard their conversation.

"…have I bothered Jasper?"

"No, he's gotten better at being around humans. He's tried extra hard since he had you as motivation. I think they left because Alice didn't want to be here until you were fully awake." Did Alice know something that I didn't?

Maybe Bella did, because she tried to get rid of Emmett, "Thanks for taking care of me Emmett," she said, "but I'm no longer a teenager. I'm fine. Let me wander please?"

"I don't think so." Emmett had heard my approach I assumed, and didn't want Bella to wander the house.

"Excuse me?" She sounded affronted. She began to get defensive. But then again, Emmett was a master at the offensive.

"I said, I don't think so."

"I know what you said, but I don't understand why I can't move around the house."

"I don't think Edward would like it." Yes, he had definitely heard my approach.

"So? What does that have to do with me? He has no claim over me anymore." Her words sounded uncomfortably throaty at the end, like she was trying not to cry. I wondered why. Was she angry? I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her until she couldn't breathe.

Emmett asked the question that I had wanted to. I cursed him for being able to be close to her. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Her tone was harsh. She wasn't fine. She could read me better than I could read myself…especially after having a child…but that went the other way around as well.

"No you're not. You miss Edward and Alice and me. I know you do. I may act like the big tough guy, you know, but I have feelings too. I understand." Wow, Emmett was being sensitive! I immediately felt guilty for thinking that, he was helping Bella I should be grateful.

"You have no idea. Believe me." Bella sounded angry…upset. "Do you know what it was like? Do you understand at all what I went through? When you left, I didn't eat or sleep for weeks, I went to a psychiatrist but that didn't help. I couldn't talk to her about you, if I had, I would have been institutionalized." Bella had gone to a professional? She was really that depressed? My God.

"I didn't talk to anyone unless asked a direct question. I couldn't watch TV or listen to music without the pain threatening to overwhelm me. I couldn't think about you, because when I did, I couldn't breathe, and I certainly couldn't try to find you. I was told that you went to LA, I knew that you couldn't go there, but where would I begin to look? I was completely catatonic for close to five months. I was forbidden to remember, but absolutely terrified to forget. When my mother came to change my scenery I almost died. I couldn't leave Forks, then how would I know if you were even real?"

These things I had already known. And what she said next shocked me. It chilled me to the bone. "And then I discovered that I could hear his voice when I did something reckless or stupid. Do you realize how scary it is when you realize that you are having hallucinations? I was having a constant breathing problem, Emmett. And it was only after I almost drowned that I realized that I had to start getting over him." She had almost drowned? Had she tried to commit suicide?

"And so I locked him and the rest of you away in a vault that had been sealed shut with my daughter. Alice. And then when you all came back that vault came undone and I could feel everything. All of the hurt and fear and…I came close to ending my own life back then, did you know that? You have no idea. None at all."

I was at the house then. She had tried to commit suicide. I was quite shaken; my Bella would not have done that. She had been so happy. I stepped up to the door and opened it. Emmett looked almost as shocked as I was, and I smelled her tears. She looked up at Emmett and was going to say something else to him. But at that point he had already seen me (or heard me) at the door and was telling me with his mind I'm so sorry Edward. You shouldn't have heard any of that. But I swear to God if you bug her about it I'll tear you apart and not hesitate to burn the pieces.

Bella followed his line of sight and her eyes fell upon me, standing awkwardly in the doorway. I nodded infinitesimally to Emmett, so quickly that Bella could not see, and turned to Bella. I cast around for something intelligent to say, but couldn't do it. Her eyes, her beautiful, amazing, mesmerizing eyes riveted me. I loved her, but I could never have her. And now it was clear. Whether or not she was with the wolf, she still loved me…or at least did for a very long time. It was torture for my poor dead body. Vampires may be sturdy and hard, but we are not immune to our emotions. "Did you sleep well?"

Edward you idiot! Came Emmett's 'voice'.

"No." Bella said.

"Right," I said awkwardly and started up the stairs at a human pace.

"Wait! Edward!" Bella called me out.

"Yes?" I had to get out of there

"I never meant for you to hear that, any of it. I'm very angry at you, but you didn't deserve any of that. Sorry." She was apologizing to me? Why? However awful it was to hear of her suffering, I wanted to know.

I told her, I'd always rather know what she was thinking. I told her that much.

Emmett piped up so that Bella could hear as well, "She wasn't saying that for your benefit, brother. It was for mine."

"No," Bella said gravely, "It was for me. I just needed to let it out. I haven't talked about that to anyone. Ever. That's why I was planning to go to Forks today. I wanted to talk to Jacob. I'm leaving on the ten o' clock flight." She was going to Forks? To see Jacob? I was letting this werewolf thing get to me. I had to ignore that, I was sure that she was just going to see Charlie. I climbed the rest of the stairs and disappeared into my room. I lay on my couch silently…trying to block out everything. Trying to die for real this time. I had caused her to suffer like that. This whole fiasco…Jacob, Bella, and Alice…Bella's nightmares…drinking…it was entirely my fault.

However much I wanted to, I was unable to tune out Bella's voice. It was too inbred into my being that I listen to her every word. "What did I say last night?" She seemed appalled at my behavior.

I automatically tuned into the other part of the conversation. "Erm, do you want to take a walk?" Emmett suggested that they get away from the house. I agreed, I had already heard the conversation that they were about to replay too many times. I played it through to myself at least seven times per day.

"Yes." Bella agreed with Emmett, but it sounded like she was agreeing with me. I reveled in that feeling.

Sooner than I would have liked, but also later than I would have liked, they were back. I had turned on Clare de Lune. It reminded me of her. Of that first day…her scent had been so strong. As if I was there in the classroom at that very second her scent suddenly became very strong…stronger…and I took a deep breath, as if trying to commit it to my already perfect memory. My throat burned with the force of a thousand raging fires, but I didn't care. I had become very good at dealing with Bella's scent, having surrounded my mind with it all the time that she was gone. It was a poor substitute for her warmth, but it had been a reminder that my leaving was to protect her. It worked well. I had not returned although I had wanted to so badly. I still wanted to.

She didn't know it, but I had been almost as catatonic as her, not talking to anybody nor hunting, or reading, or even playing piano. I hadn't played piano in seventeen years, though I had listened to plenty of music on my stereo. I couldn't stand to play piano, it was so much a reminder of her that I couldn't stand it.

And then her scent was stronger than ever and I heard a knock on the door, stealing me from my trance. I let Bella in and turned off the music in the same movement. Oh the perks of being a vampire. How I wished that I wasn't one.

"Hey Edward. I'm really sorry about last night. I didn't mean for you to hear that. I' sure that it must have made you feel really awkward." Bella didn't understand my pain.

"What do you mean? When you asked if I was going to have my way with you?" I upheld my promise to Emmett, asking about something other than what I knew that she meant.

"What?" She blushed, "I said that?"

"Yes." I smiled at her.

She got that look in her eyes that she used to have a lot. I think it was love. It gave me hope, but it also gave me leave to make the second stupidest mistake in my entire existence. "Oh, sorry. I was definitely drunk last night. But no, that is not what I meant. I was actually talking about my sleep talking. I didn't mean for you to hear that. It must have been embarrassing for you in front of your family."

"No, no, don't worry about it. I wasn't embarrassed. Were you?" That was true, I hadn't been embarrassed.

"No. I'm just sorry that you had to go through that." Silly Bella.

"That's alright. I didn't mind…" I mumbled in a voice that was too low for her to hear, "Just hearing your voice is torture enough." I don't know why, but she did hear me.

"Huh," She said, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

I followed her out, mystified. "Bella? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She was angry. That proved it.

"Was it something I said? Bella!" At the time I had no idea why she was acting like that. I had been so cocky in my ability to be quieter than her range of hearing that I had upset her. That's when I realized that I needed to tone it down. I had been so arrogant in this past week. Only then did I realize that.

She whirled; I was surprised that she didn't trip. "What, Edward!" The whole family raced into the room at a faster than normal speed to hear her yell at me. Thanks guys.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"Why do you care?" She gasped and looked at me with new understanding in her eyes. "Don't worry about me, Edward. I'm a grown-up now: I can take care of myself."

"I worry all the time, Bella. I'm always afraid that I'll hurt you…again." I needed to apologize to her in a way that she would accept. But she seemed to be under the wrong impression of why I was worried.

"It's alright Edward. I'm fine now; I really don't need you to look after me."

I said something again.

"What? Speak up, I'm an old lady, you know." How true. Thirty-five…absolutely ancient compared to a 120 year old vampire.

"I said, I want to look after you."

"What?"

Did she not hear me? "I said, I want to look –"

I cut him off, "I know what you said."

"Then why did you ask again?" I was seriously confused.

"Because I thought I'd heard wrong."

"No, no. Not at all. I want to take care of you Bella. I can see that I was wrong and should not have left you. It was disastrous for both of us apparently. I know this is sort of sudden and random, but I love you Isabella Marie Swan. I'm so so sorry!" Maybe she would understand

"What?"

Was she really hard of hearing? Maybe she had selective hearing…but she wouldn't, Bella wasn't like that. And besides, that wasn't actually a medical condition. "I said –"

"I heard you!" She just stood for a moment, soaking that in. Then she said, "Ha ha, what's the punch line?"

Was she making fun of me? Jasper moved, but Alice stopped him from saying anything. Edward, don't do it. She told me with her mind. I didn't know what she meant. Bella opened her mouth to say something. I knew it, she wanted me back! I could see it in her eyes! I ran toward her in triumph and pressed my lips to hers.

But she froze. Jasper was growling too softly for Bella to hear, and both Esme and Alice were yelling at me in their heads to stop. I pulled away from her immediately; her features were cold and unfeeling. I opened my mouth to apologize, realizing that I had been deluding myself. But before I could, Bella ran out of the house shouting something to Alice. I didn't pay attention. Bella had rejected me! I wanted too much to cry. I clenched both fists together. She was with Jacob. That settled it. I was such an idiot.

One second later, Bella returned and Alice passed her a set of car keys. They were the ones to her car, the Porsche.

I sat down to play the piano for the first time in years, I needed to do something with my hands. And truth be told, I missed my beautiful instrument. It had been my pride and joy before Bella came. And it would be my love forevermore. If I couldn't have Bella, I would have music. I started with a new piece, I made it up on the spot, and it was stormy and sad at the same time. But of course, as my life always did, the song turned into Bella's. I found myself playing Bella's lullaby.

And then I heard Alice from a few miles away screech, "He did WHAT!!!" She must have been talking to Bella. She didn't call anybody else. I stopped playing to see what they were talking about. Alice swore and told Bella to leave the keys to her Porsche somewhere. I clenched my fists, Alice shouldn't use such profanity around Bella, she was the most pure…I didn't want to think about it.

Bella had told Emmett that she was leaving town. And I, of course, knew that she wasn't lying. She wasn't at school the next day, and for the three days after that it was sunny. When it finally started to cloud up again, she was still not at school. The substitute was an old lady named Ms. Clementine and she liked very much to sleep in class. For the entire Shakespeare unit, we did worksheets and reading every day.

My life became a hell once again. Before Bella my life had been dull, but not bad. When I left Bella my life spiraled downward into a point that I thought would be impossible to return to, but then she came back. Even being able to see Bella was amazing, and it lifted me out of the funk that I had been in for nearly two decades. Now, with her having gone this time, my life was worse than hell. I would take the fires of hell voluntarily if I could simply get my Bella back.

It was even worse to think that every day she was seeing that mutt. Even if they weren't married, it was obvious that they were very close. The more that I thought about it, though, the more it was hard to tell whether or not they were in a relationship. She had told me that she dated a werewolf for a year, but she didn't tell me anything else. Maybe they had broken up…maybe they had gotten married…maybe not…maybe she had just started dating him and recently was their one year anniversary.

And then there was the burning question of little Alice Swan. Bella had guaranteed to me that the girl was not Jacob's child, nor was it hers biologically. However, why would she adopt a child? Maybe she was in a relationship and could not have children. I went on the internet and looked up her medical records using Carlisle's name and account. I wasn't sure whether he would care. But I certainly didn't. By reading her records I found a few interesting things. I found her stint with a shrink, and one reported case of attempted suicide for which she was given various antidepressants. I also found that she had gotten birth control, and seemed to still be taking it. So she was able to have a baby, she just didn't want to. But why would she be taking birth control if she wasn't in a relationship. Just in case? But that's a bit ridiculous. So the question was, what had Bella become, because she certainly wasn't mine anymore.

I tried to block out my family for days, but they kept coming to be. Jasper and Emmett were continuously attacking me for attacking Bella. And Esme wouldn't stop with her sympathetic thoughts. It was making me sick. Carlisle was respecting my wishes for privacy, and Rosalie never talked to me anyway. And then Alice, although she tried to give me the cold shoulder for Bella's sake, couldn't help but have visions. And mostly they were about Bella.

Alice had one particular vision of Bella walking up the steps to her teenage home with an unfamiliar young woman who seemed to be about twenty-five. I then saw Jacob-the-mutt come out of her house with Charlie behind him and sweep Bella down into a back-bending, movie style kiss. The girl with Bella pretended to try and slap Jacob, and Charlie laughed as Alice wrinkled her little five-year-old nose. Bella was trying to keep a straight face, but ended up laughing with the rest of them. Alice recovered after that, and I began trying not to hear from her at all. Now that Bella was back, Alice's visions of the human were more and more frequent. I couldn't help but listen to the one vision in which Bella was talking about me.

"Finally, you see the danger of those homicidal bloodsuckers."

Bella flinched, "Jacob…"

"Sorry, Bella." He seemed truly penitent.

Bella leaned closer to her boyfriend/fiancée and said, "I have something to tell you, about the Cullens. I was at their house last night. I was taken there by Edward's sister Alice. And I was completely drunk. That's why she rescued me to go there. And I had a dream about the day he left me in the woods." She paused for a moment and I saw some moisture gathering in the corners of her eyes, "He ended up kissing me."

"Oh my God." Jacob looked at her in horror. Suddenly the vision disappeared. After that conversation, Alice's visions of Bella totally disappeared. As she said, this meant that Bella was happy…I was glad of that, even though I was so jealous it was making Jasper ache.

My entire English class was suffering, but I most of all. I missed her so much. I was going into Bella withdrawal. It was like I had become addicted, and then broke off the addiction. But then when the drug, Bella, was introduced into my system again, if only for a second, I couldn't quit a second time. I resolved to fight for her this time. I needed her back with me. For eternity.