Rating: T
Genre: Romance. Angst. Drama.
Comments: KakaSaku. You have been duly warned. Takes place years after the anime/manga. Really stupid.
I would rather be alone!
Kakashi/Sakura
Jade eyes shimmered with deep distress, echoed in the taut lines of the young girl's face. Soft lips were pressed firmly together, perhaps to keep her from protesting the facts that had been laid out before her.
I knew this was coming. I knew it, but...
Chaotic thoughts. Bitter, piercing, angry, clouded.
She wanted to scream, to shout that he had no idea what he was doing. To them. To her.
It was impossible, she wanted to say. She would not accept it. Could not accept it. Would refuse to acknowledge any argument on their side.
If only she were not so practical; if only she had taken the steps to prevent her pain when the time came. But, as innocently optimistic as she had always been, Sakura had shunted those thoughts of the future to the side, locked them in the very back of her mind. After all, it was her childish belief that things would stay forever as they were. She had worked this hard for it to.
But reality was different from her hazy world of daydreams and secret thoughts. It was much clearer in many ways, just as it was more uncertain. And far more hurtful.
She hated the feeling that clutched her heart, the way tears stung the back of her eyes. And the man she considered a teacher stood impassively before her, hands carelessly tucked into his pockets. Despite his lazy posture, his eye registered concern for her, knowing that she would have a hard time accepting what he had told her.
"Kakashi-sensei..." Her voice came out broken, and she paused, struggling for control. Her hands clenched tightly at her sides, pulling at the fabric of her pants as she attempted to even her breathing, push her anxiety aside.
Her eyes closed slowly, a single tear dripping, falling in an agonizingly slow trail to her chin.
It hurts too much.
"I need to go," she said faintly, eyes snapping open and searching his frantically. "I... I have to go."
She needed to be alone.
She needed to cry. Scream.
He didn't answer, instead giving the slight nod that told her he understood. Without an answer for him, without thinking of anything but her need to flee, Sakura turned on her heel and began to run.
Her heart pounded, jerked against her ribs painfully. She held a hand to her chest, pressing hard in an attempt to alleviate the pain.
Run.
Legs moving. Feet slamming against the ground. Hair whipping behind her.
Into the trees, moving through the forest. Branches stinging at her face, catching at her clothes.
Sasuke-kun...
Don't think. Just don't think.
Don't remember that faint smirk, the condescending eyes. Don't think of the way his body moved so easily in combat. Don't conjure those images now.
Just run.
Get away.
Hide from it all.
She was unaware of the tears falling freely now, the sobs racking her breath, burning her lungs.
The afternoon sun radiated warmth, though the air was bitterly cold. It was too bright for a winter afternoon. It was too cheerful, too active, for a day so horrible. So dark.
Sasuke-kun...
He was gone, of course. She wouldn't find him.
Was it better that he wasn't here?
It didn't take a moment for the answer to come.
Yes.
She didn't want him to see her this way. He had seen her crying too often. He hated her tears, hated how she dealt with sorrow. She had sworn never to show that side of her again.
She was breaking that oath now.
But...
But it hurt so much.
Naruto...
He was likely to laugh and put his arms behind his head carelessly. Assure her that it didn't matter. They would still be friends.
For him, there would be no change.
For those two... no.
For those three, there was no difference.
But for her, everything had been taken away.
Idiot. Idiot!
In the end it was nothing that brought her to her knees; tripping over air, crashing to the ground ingloriously as her shoulders shook violently.
Palms pressed into the ground as her breath hitched.
I will be alone.
Everyone knew it had been coming. She was barely a Chuunin, whereas both Sasuke and Naruto had been on the cusp of their next promotions. They had the power, the talent; things she lacked.
It had always been obvious, though she herself had been the last to realize it. Kakashi-sensei had devoted his time to the boy so like him in skill; Uchiha Sasuke.
Jiraiya, one of the legendary ninja, had nurtured Naruto's growth.
And she had been left alone.
Certainly, Tsunade had taken her in hand, forcing her to expand on and hone her own strengths. But she had never been as talented. She had never had the raw power that the boys had.
She had always been left behind.
No matter how determined she was to catch up, she was inferior.
They... are leaving me.
Leaving her behind.
Jounin no longer worked in teams of three. They were assigned where they were needed. Efficiency was the key.
Sasuke-kun had already been assigned his first A-class; Naruto as well. Different ones, with different partners, in different areas of the world.
She lowered her forehead to the ground, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. She felt sick.
"Sakura."
The girl stiffened at the familiar voice. Slowly, she pushed herself back, resting on her heels. Dully, she let her eyes travel until they caught onto the man.
He knelt beside her, wordlessly pulling her into his arms. Awkwardly, his hand patted her hair.
Too tired, too weary, to be surprised, she simply slumped against him. Small hands lifted, clutching at his vest as she buried her face in his shoulder.
She wasn't crying anymore. It was too much effort.
She just... needed to be held.
Despite their slightly uncomfortable positions, neither moved. Kakashi too unwilling to disturb her, and Sakura needing his arms to stay around her.
After a moment, she spoke - her voice muffled, but stronger than it had been. "How did you know?"
She couldn't see his expression, but somehow knew he was smiling at the question.
"I know you," he answered simply. "A ninja must always be observant."
She laughed - a broken sound, much thinner and more brittle than normal - but real nonetheless.
More seriously, he continued, "I couldn't let you run off alone in your state."
Sakura sighed, pulling away and wiping her eyes. "Yeah. I know." Shakily making her way to her feet, she offered soft thanks.
He shook his head slightly, though he seemed suddenly intent.
She knew his thoughts. Her lips twisted slightly.
"No, Kakashi." She spoke his name without title, knowing now that the conversation was turning to a higher plane. To 'them'.
His face hardened imperceptibly, a silent negation of her words.
"He doesn't know." He spoke flatly, without accusation. She still flinched.
"No."
"My offer..."
"No!" she said harshly, eyes suddenly wounded. "I would rather be alone!"
His head jerked back slightly. "I see."
The absolute lack of inflection to his words nearly brought her to her knees again. She hung her head slightly. "I'm sorry."
It was ironic they were having this conversation here - the same place he had destroyed her world six months ago.
The same place he had given her something better.
Oh, it had been unexpected on both sides. She, needing company - he, worried over the girl who had broken down so completely. All it had been was his arm gently around her as they stood and watched the stars. Nothing more than him trying to offer comfort.
She didn't know how he felt, but their now-nightly meetings to quietly talk... they meant more to her than should be possible. And it was why she rejected his offer.
"Hinata and Sasuke will be married in a months' time. They want us to share the ceremony." She seemed to be completely unaffected by the knowledge of an arranged marriage between her friend and the one she had loved for so long.
Kakashi's brow lowered slightly in worry. "I see."
"Kiba and I have... we understand each other."
He knew she was lying. "Oh?"
"Yes." Too firmly, too quickly.
"I doubt he is happy with the idea of you bearing Neji's child, only to have it taken away from you." Challenging.
Her hand reflexively fell to her stomach, clenched there. "He understands."
"Why is Kiba's offer better than my own?"
She flinched. "It wasn't his choice." She sounded almost stilted. He stepped forward.
"So you would rather trap him in an unwilling marriage, than have me bind myself by my own choice?"
"It's not like that."
"Oh?" he inquired coolly.
She avoided his gaze. "He is the heir to his clan. He also needs children."
"So, that's it?" He was angry, in his completely controlled way.
"He is the only one of his clan left!" she snapped, taking a step away. "It is his duty!"
"I see." Kakashi stared at her impassively. "Then why doesn't he marry Tenten?"
Startled, she stared at him. "What?"
He made a faintly impatient gesture. "They were dating."
"I didn't--"
"So I see." Stepping forward, refusing to let her back away, he lowered his voice. "Sakura, you make this more complicated than it needs to be!"
And it was the truth. She didn't need a husband. Neji had been killed a month after her conception, giving her a perfectly valid excuse to be a single mother. A single mother without a child - for he would be adopted by Hinata, who could not have children. He would uphold the Hyuuga bloodline, as all others were dead.
She couldn't admit that she had taken the opportunity to marry Kiba in an attempt to avoid Kakashi's gallantry.
She didn't want to be married to a man she loved, when the feelings couldn't be returned.
"Am I?" she asked weakly.
"Am I so horrible that you would rather not be shackled to me?" he challenged.
She shook her head immediately. "No."
He noted ruefully, "It didn't take you long to run to Neji's arms..."
Is he jealous?
But she said only, "I didn't. I knew Hinata couldn't... and that Hyuuga needed an heir..."
"No one else could do it?"
Her eyes fell. "I..."
She had wanted a child desperately.
Silly, that she was so young, and in a blindly rash moment had made the decision.
Surprisingly, Neji had acceded to her... request, on the condition of marriage. He had not wanted a bastard child, and had no other woman in mind. With the uncertain state of war, they had agreed steps needed to be taken immediately.
She knew a future with Kakashi was impossible, and had attempted to fumble on her own with remarkably dramatic results.
Her life was hectic, turned around in a spectacular way. All because of her desire to have a child, and run to the first man likely to give her one.
"Sakura."
She winced at the sound of her name, spoken so softly, so gently.
"Why not me?"
Glancing up, she searched his face desperately for any sign of emotion. There was none - not even uncertainty.
But he had to be uncertain. Why else was he pressing for an answer?
"Maybe you matter too much," she offered lightly - or tried to.
She sounded more miserable than teasing.
The man was silent, and she fumbled for a reason. Any reason.
Before she could, his words came. Words that stunned her.
"That's why I asked you, Sakura."
So serious. So calm.
She blinked, stepped back. "Kakashi..."
"I lost those I cared most about. I lost the one I loved."
She bit her lip. He had never told her this before.
"I don't... I can't say I love you. But I care enough to make you happy."
Her eyes darkened a little. "I... see."
"And I can give you children I won't take away." Spoken lightly, with an amused edge. She smiled automatically.
He didn't love her. But he cared.
Was that enough?
Could she possibly build on that?
"Kakashi?"
"Hmm?"
"Once we're married, do I get to see your face?"