He was left awake. He was left totally conscious, so that he could think. He could feel terror. And worst of all, he could regret.

Renji Abarai lay in a pitch black room on an unforgivingly cold steel table, most likely of the stainless and surgical type. He couldn't move a finger, nothing beyond the base actions of his heart pumping and breathing. His eyes had remained open when they were locked in paralysis, and though the cool darkness was much more favorable to the painful fluorescent lights of the rest of Hueco Mundo, specifically what was left of Szayel Aporro Grantz's lab, Renji wished he would've been blinking at that moment in time. The dry air did no good for his open, unblinking eyes.

He was locked in a room of total, terrifying blackness. And he could hear, on occasion, either loud groaning far-off, or even worse; loud screaming. The screams would either last for so long that Renji thought he would go mad from the sound of it, this horrible nails-on-a-chalkboard serenade of the damned, or they would last for only an instant and then be choked off suddenly, which was worse. And when the screams fled, Renji was left in total silence as well as darkness. He wanted to scream.

But he couldn't. That bastard Grantz had destroyed his vertebrae, which even Renji, with limited medical knowledge, knew to cause paralysis. Sure, Grantz probably had the measures to fix it in some way or another, but he didn't really put faith in the man to do that sort of favor for him. Especially since those screams sounded like somebody very familia-

No. He wouldn't think about that, he wouldn't allow himself to. The last thing he needed to think about was what was happening outside that door and down the hallway. Instead, he would busy his mind with his mission.

And then he thought of how, and who, he had failed. And it was worse than everything else combined.

At one point in time, Renji Abarai and Ichigo Kurosaki were what you would call friends. Could call, you might say, since it became fuzzy at times exactly whether their relationship was a battle rival or a rival in an entirely different scenario. But they were...comrades. Yes, comrades would describle it perfectly. Kurosaki was an agreeable kid, if not a bit brash at times and other times, just plain moronic. You could say the exact same thing about Renji himself. They were friends, and they were rivals for a woman as well.

Renji tried his damndest. Tried as hard as he could to show Rukia his care, try to make her see him as more than a cherished childhood friend who had happened to help her honored elder brother bring her back for her execution. But he lost in the end, to Ichigo. He lost Rukia to the Soul Society's ace in the hole, the seeming gravity well of power that was Ichigo Kurosaki, substitute shinigami.

But he told himself that he wouldn't be bitter.

Rukia made her choice, and it wasn't him. He wouldn't hold it against her, and he wouldn't hold it against Ichigo for winning her heart, either. And so he watched from afar, congratulating them on it when they decided to announce. Not if it wasn't obviousin the first place. Byakuya wasn't terribly pleased with her choice in men, and it was obvious to Renji. He worked with the man, for god's sake. He watched them be happy, hid his guilt and envy pretty damn well and found solace in Rangiku Matsumoto. She was still reeling from Ichimaru's betrayal, and though it was loveless, the two had more than a few trysts. And not all of them were drunken, either.

But after Kurosaki very suddenly left a bit after Inoue disappeared, off to Kyoto or somewhere like that. And he knew that Rukia followed, as best as she could. That one shinigami, Zennosuke Kurumidani or something like that took over Rukia's old patrol on Karakura Town, so Rukia got herself recommissioned in Kyoto, close to Ichigo. Renji didn't see them together often, but when she came back, she looked ruffled and so very tired. And he caught her at one point in time with her shirt halfway down, examining bruises in places that Byakuya would never look, and where Ichigo apparently thought he wouldn't see either.

When he did catch it though, it took a combination of Ikkaku, Hisagi, Kira, and eventually Byakuya himself to keep Renji from heading down to Kyoto and strangling Ichigo himself.

Byakuya probably had an inkling of what was going on (at least after Renji's spectacular meltdown), but not the bluntness to undress Rukia and look himself. And she denied it up and down to Renji when they were in private, until he himself showed the nerve to jerk down Rukia's pants and point at the deep bruises on the inside of her thighs. Too dark to be of passion, he could tell. And as soon as he did this, she fell into him crying 'He's different! He's not the same!' over and over again. He comforted her as best he could, fixing her clothes and letting her cry into his chest for as long as she wanted, whispering comforting things into her hair.

"You can't let him do this shit, Rukia. Don't let him pull this shit." Renji had been trying to keep calm, but his temper was rising. And that damn thing was frayed already. Rukia nodded into his chest, though he could tell that she didn't mean it.

"He wasn't always like this, Renji. He used to be so kind, but when we were apart, something just...snapped. Something's different."

That phrase stuck with him. Something was different. And damn it all, he wasn't letting this happen to Rukia. Anybody but Rukia. Not Rukia, not hisRukia. He would burn in Hellbefore this shit happened to the woman he still loved. And so Renji told Rukia he would protect her, and she told him no. She told him not to get involved, because he'd lose his head. And then they had gotten into a screaming match over who was right and who was wrong, ending with Renji getting a slap across the face and then getting to watch Rukia run off. Guilt tore at his heart, shredding the anger with chants of 'You fucked up, you fucked up', and he walked out of there feeling just as monstrous as what Kurosaki had turned into.

They had stayed away from one another for a good span of time after that, both still reluctant to admit being wrong, but also ashamed of what had happened.

That was, until Renji had gotten a patrol order for Kyoto when Rukia happened to be visiting Ichigo. He remembered her words, telling him not to get involved because he would lose his head and do something stupid. And he knew she was right, too; he was never one to be controlled in his anger. And that had cinched it, as soon as he realized that Rukia knew he'd see something that would make him angry. Something that would piss him off so much that he just might attack Kurosaki for it.

And so Renji went, to see what was happening. And he didn't tell Rukia or Ichigo, just so they wouldn't pretend to satiate his need to know.

He found them easily, since Kurosaki was a fucking faucet when it came to reiatsu. And he happened to walk up to the window right about the time that Rukia caught a backhand across the face.

And the next thing that both Rukia and Ichigo heard was a cry of 'Zabimaru!!', followed by the shikai blade whizzing through the window and Ichigo turning at the exact moment for it to barely miss his head and instead gore his shoulder. An instant later he was in his own shinigami form, Zangetsu at the ready and Ichigo already beginning to swing.

Renji saw something at that moment that he instantly affirmed for Rukia's statement to be true; Ichigo was grinning, and Ichigo Kurosaki never smiled unless it was an odd half-smile, and even that was rare. This Ichigo was drastically different. He had changed.

The fight continued on for only a few minutes, namely when Renji had Zabimaru at Ichigo's throat and knew Zangetsu to be poised at the back of his neck if he decided to make any moves.

"You sick fuck." Renji growled lowly, rage flashing in his eyes as Ichigo's expression had returned to a normal version, namely a pissed scowl. "Tell me why I shouldn't slit your fucking throat right now." Zabimaru's blade digging further into Kurosaki's neck and a drop of blood rolling down the blade because of it. Ichigo began smirking, knowingly.

"Because, Renji, you know that I'm much stronger than you. Really, could you fight Byakuya down to defeat? Oh, wait..." He trailed off with a sly smirk, completely unlike Ichigo. The blade tightened and it disappeared, Ichigo gritting his teeth noticeably and staring down at Renji.

"And also, because I could kill her and then you wouldn't get her either."

Renji saw Ichigo's eyes flash something else entirely; for a second he saw black and he saw yellow, before watching Ichigo offhandedly throw Zangetsu to slam into the wall right next to where Rukia was leaning. He had wrapped Zangetsu's bandage around his wrist at some point in time, to allow him to throw it quickly and then jerk it back for a possible kill on Renji, if he hadn't ruined the surprise. He could've killed them both, and the look on his face told Renji that this new Ichigo would've done with with less than a thought.

That was fucking it. Renji was about to twist the blade and kill Kurosaki, when Rukia sounded out.

"Stop it!" She shouted, marching up to Renji and gripping Zabimaru tightly, shoving it away while cutting her own palm to ribbons. She was pissed at...at him?? At Renji?? For helping her??

"I told you not to come, Renji!! I knew this was going to happen if you did!" Rukia spat at him, before turning around and marching out of the house. Ichigo didn't move, only watched as Renji pulled away Zabimaru with a harshly whispered 'Touch her again and I'll castrate you', before returning Zabimaru to its katana form and sheathing it and hurrying after Rukia. They had argued again, leaving Ichigo there with his screwed up apartment and that sickening grin that Renji had seen. The two of them had headed back to Seireitei and Rukia had dragged him off to the Thirteenth's courtyards, where nobody was or would hear them.

"Why the hell do you put up with that shit?!" Was the first thing Renji said, before Rukia put a finger to his lips to shut him up while glaring all the while. "I'm not, not anymore. You didn't even hear what I told him, did you? Before you rushed in like a goddamn bull seeing red?"

"I shouldn't have to have fucking ESP to decide whether to kick a guy's ass or not for hitting you, Rukia." He spat, sitting down as she dragged him to the ground with her. She glared, her violet eyes holding annoyance in them as she spoke tersely.

"You...ugh. I was telling him that I'm not his damn babysitter. And I'm not his punching bag either; he keeps it up and I'm leaving, and he knows I'll tell Byakuya about it. And when I say Byakuya's name, he looks afraid. I think he's scared of fighting Byakuya's Senbonzakura again, and he knows that fighting brother again is a deathwish if Byakuya knows about what he's been doing."

Renji blinked, before shaking off the surprise and reattaching his scowl.

"But he fucking hit you."

"And that means he's really afraid. He gets violent when he's scared; I've seen it, I can tell. I'm giving him one more cha...no, don't argue with me, shut up and listen. One more chance, and if he so much as looks at me wrong, I'm leaving and going straight to Byakuya." Rukia told Renji, seeing him fall into a sulking silence. She moved forward, tightening her fingers in Renji's shihakusho front and pulling him down for a kiss.

"Renji, are you there for me if it goes wrong?" She asked him quietly when they broke their kiss, their foreheads still together.

"Until the end, Rukia." Renji told her equally quietly, before seeing tears in her eyes a split second before she threw her weight against him and sent him sprawling across the courtyard ground, her head buried in his chest again.

"Thank you Renji." She whispered, and he just laid a hand on her back and rubbed in small, soothing circles.

"Every time, Rukia."

And then Ichigo had dragged them all together for a crack rescue mission when Urahara got the solace to set it up, and Renji had made up his mind from the moment Ichigo went sour with Rukia.

He was going to kill Ichigo right here, in the Hueco Mundo sands.

Kill him, and be rid of the man for good. And he and Rukia could be happy without him, as Kurosaki's corpse rotted in the stale and bleached desert. They were on a rescue mission deep in enemy territory after all; nobody would suspect a thing if a comrade died on such a suicidal mission. By a sword wound, no less. Their group had split up and gone on their way, though it was near hesitantly that Renji left Rukia. She gave him a reassuring smile before they split up though, and he took comfort in it. He trusted them all to survive, like they said they would.

And then, Renji got himself royally fucked over.

They never stood a chance against Szayel Aporro, they should've...no, they did see it. They knew that it was an impossible fight, but they fought like hell anyway. He and Uryu, that is. And now, those hauntingly familiar screams drifted down the hallway to Renji's ears once again, and he cursed it all in a terrible trap of his own paralyzed body.

And he thought of Rukia, and how he would never be able to protect her like he said he would. Even if he escaped this, Renji had little hope that they could fix an injury this serious. A quadriplegic, forever. And he couldn't protect Rukia like he promised her he would. He wouldn't be there if it went wrong. And it did go wrong. It went so, so wrong. His eyes burned at the thought and Renji vaguely noted that tears were coming, hot and blurring the vision he didn't have.

'Damn it, damn it, damn it!!' The thought echoed like a mantra as he shut his eyes, before realizing he did so. So he could blink. Great.

The door opened again and bright light flooded the room near painfully, as Renji opened his eyes to look upon the entering party. None other than Szayel Aporro Grantz, his hair a bit ruffled and his clothes only slightly askew.

Only slightly, if you disregarded the gigantic splatter of blood all across the front, that is.

"Well, shinigami. Good to see you still conscious." Grantz mused, walking up with a satisfied smile on his lips and examining Renji closely. He was examining a specimen was what he was doing, and Renji's stomach instinctually did a somersault at the glint in Grantz's eyes that looked so very familiar to Kurotsuchi's. Renji wanted to swear at him, so badly. To shout out her name, to tell her he was so sorry and that he didn't mean for it to turn out this way. To scream. He wanted to scream more than anything else.

"You'll be a wonderful live specimen. I've got a rather short supply of shinigami to use, and an order came in a little bit ago. Aizen doesn't care if you live or die after all, actually. How wonderful."

Renji watched in slowly growing, twisting, sickening horror as a host of terrifying Fraccion rolled in with various terrifying surgical tools, moving the trays next to Renji's current table.

His operating table.

He tried to scream now, he physically tried to scream. And he got out a strangled cry, only one, and nothing more.

"RUKIA!!"

The cry was singular and agonized, but ignored, as Szayel Aporro put on a mask and picked up an unnaturally clean scalpel, laid it on Renji's bare stomach, and began to cut.

((There's the second third of the Renji/Rukia/Ichigo triangle. And anything that doesn't make sense right now, like why Rukia would put up with H/Ichigo's abusive shit anyway, is in the next chapter. Which is Rukia's. See you next time, guys.))