"Hypervigilance is a state of mind. The shadows cannot hurt you."
Full Summary: In the uncertain world of adults, Sora and Riku attempt to patch together their shaky relationship after almost 5 years apart. It's about love and hate and lost trust, set in a world where the magic has run dry and the boys see each for who they really are. The tension doesn't last for long, however, as both men fall into a routine that they both know very well. Along the way, they become reacquainted with the old qualities that brought them together, while familiarizing themselves with the individuals that each person has become.
Warning: Language, Alcohol Use, Minor Heavy Touching, Babies! (No, not mpreg, sillies.)
Disclaimer: None of the characters within this fanfic belong to me. If it did, this would be a full length movie with all smexy-slashy-yaoiness I could legally fit onto a single DVD. Kingdom Hearts is a lovely invention of Square Enix.
Hypervigilance
Chapter 3: Exhaustion
-
"Quit giggling, Sora." Riku chuckled, smiling at the way he kept jumping every time the brush touched his arm. He is so perfect. His sky blue eyes watching the older boy with such adoration and trust. There was very little that Riku wouldn't do for Sora at this moment. He'd destroy whole worlds to make him happy.
"It tickles." Sora said, laughing as well. His heart was pounding as he managed a blushing peek at Riku's body. Riku's naked body. Over his. Wanting his.
Riku was painting each of Sora's long fingers individually, making them a slightly brighter red than his face. He was blushing so hard, it looked like he might faint any minute. "Try not to pass out, Sora." Riku joked, jostling him a little as if to wake him for a long sleep. "I'll be offended if you do."
Truthfully, their first time was...awkward. While that was a given in any relationship, it was just so unexpected. Riku and Sora had great chemistry in everything else, but in bed they were like two blind-folded strangers, like something was missing. And the second time wasn't much better either. The second time destroyed what fragile little remnant of affection they had left.
That was all very different now. Perhaps it was because they were mature adults now, no longer scared-shitless teenagers. That they had the opportunity to explore their options, to see that there was more than just the two of them in the world. Sora hadn't been the only person Riku had "enjoyed" either. Just a few unmentionable relations that all ended briefly, and as it seemed to be pattern with him, disastrously.
Sora was spending more time in his apartment, more than Riku had anticipated. And worst of all, he was entirely too comfortable. He cooked dinner for Riku the other night. Cooked. Sora. He only smiled politely when Riku incredulously inquired when he learned to cook. Just another out of the hundred moments where they were like total strangers again.
And Sora never smoked during the day. Riku noticed this after the first night. And he still wouldn't sleep. Yet it never seemed to affect his impossibly boundless energy. Still, Riku couldn't help but be concerned for his health. The brunet was rather notorious for hiding his problems from others, deterring any worry with that expertly deceptive smile of his.
Like the one he was wearing now. A little turn at the corner of his mouth that mocked a cheeriness that didn't quite reach his eyes. He was adept at pretending when it was necessary but the moments when he let his guard down, that's when Riku could tell that he was miserable.
And he still wasn't exactly sure why.
Once the fleeting need to comfort him had passed, Riku glanced over the top of a magazine that he wasn't really reading at Sora, who was flipping distractedly through a stack of documents he had spread out on the kitchen table. Seeing the word invoice on several of the papers, Riku assumed it had something to with the massage clinic Sora owned. Business stuff.
"Why massage therapist?"
Sora glanced up after a delayed second, his eyes still lingering on the page he was holding. He shrugged shortly afterward, grinning cutely.
"Why not?"
Riku raised an eyebrow, unsuccessfully trying to interpret his response, as if there were really some hidden meaning behind it. "Doesn't sound like something you'd be interested in."
Sora turned his attention back to his paper, inclining his shoulders as he rested his elbows on the table.
"'Cause you know me so well." He murmured, that strange mocking smile turning his lips again. The word "Belligerent" came to mind.
Riku decided not to question his tone for the time being, instead folding his magazine in half to hold his place and continuing the conversation, if only to get Sora to talk some more. It was strange, but now it was like he wouldn't really speak for too long unless spoken to first. Like he had become anti-social over the years. Or maybe he was only like this around him.
"You any good at it?"
Sora graced him with another brief glance, this one a little longer than the one before. The playfulness in his eyes betrayed his thoughts with a look that was anything but innocent.
"Wanna find out?"
Ignoring the lustful flutter in his stomach, Riku simply laughed good-naturedly.
"Better not. You look busy." Riku's gaze indicated the thick stack of paper that Sora had yet to touch.
Sora's expression deflated slightly into a pout as he eyed the documents with distaste. There wasn't much he hated more than sitting still and reading for an extended amount of time. At least some things never changed. "Yeah, I really am. Just trying to figure out how to pay off this loan without robbing my employees."
Riku watched the way Sora's face changed with his smile, the raising of his cheeks that made his eyes narrow just slightly and was inexplicably reminded of the anatomy class he had taken for art school years ago.
"Need any help with that? It wouldn't be a whole lot, but I do okay for myself." Riku offered. Sora's face changed abruptly, the muscles forming his carefree smile pulling down into a hard frown.
"With munny? No way! I couldn't ask for a thing like that."
"It's not a big deal, Sora." Riku assured him, curiously gaging his reaction. "I'd be happy to help." Sora's cinnamon colored eyebrows pushed together in an obvious uncertainty but he managed a curt nod, his mouth set in a more neutral line; not quite a frown but not really a smile either.
"Thanks." Riku ruffled his hair affectionately, rising from the table to make coffee. Sora cast his eyes down to his paper, his cheeks turning delicately pink. Still obliviously cute, as usual.
"You should really use a computer for that. It'd be a lot faster." Riku changed the subject, leaning back on the counter as he watched the rich dark liquid slowly drip into the carafe. He was planning on making it a long night and the caffeine-enriched beverage would soon become very necessary.
"My receptionist does that." Sora said, waving his hand dismissively. "I'm pretty useless with computers anyway."
"Yeah, I know."
Sora tilted his head analytically, offering nothing but silence. The conversation died again much to Riku's exasperation, especially because he seemed to be doing so well. One minute you couldn't get him to shut up, the next it was like rocket science to get him to talk. If there was one thing that was really pissing him off about this whole situation it was that. He seriously just wanted to shake him, see if he could miraculously fix whatever part of his mind that wasn't connecting right.
…...
"I'm so bored!" Sora announced after about a half an hour, pushing himself away from the table, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "This is so mind-numbing, I swear." He complained to the ceiling, dropping his arms to his sides in defeat.
Riku chuckled, penciling the three foot profile of a young woman in a smooth charcoal on a six foot canvas. Dark jointed fingers flow from one side of her head, curling in the air as if blowing in an imaginary wind. With the side of his hand, he smeared the thick lines to shade the length of the "hair", giving it a more dusky appearance.
For the record, Riku has never identified himself as an artist; only his manager seems to think so. Once every four months, she rents a gallery in which to showcase his pieces. While these events were his main source of income, he wasn't very fond of them. He found them pretentious, which is why he rarely attended them.
"Wanna paint something? That always helps me." Riku suggested, drawing fingernails at the ends of the surreal fingers. He only looked back once he had the elaborately detailed hand completed, stepping back to admire the near-perfect proportion of the elongated digits. It wasn't finished, but Riku could tell this would be one of his favorites.
"Me? I can barely manage stick figures." Sora stood at his side, folding his arms behind his back, his bright eyes flicking critically over the large canvas. "This is really good. You probably make a lot of munny doing this, huh?"
"Not as much as you'd think."
Sora gently touched the edge of the canvas, his voice dropping to a more serious tone. "You're really amazing, Riku."
Riku wrapped his arm around Sora's neck, careful not to touch him with his blackened hands as he cradled his more slender body to his. "Thank you, Sora." He nodded, knowing that he was thanking him for more than the compliment. "You want a drink?" Sora shook his head.
"I don't drink." Riku shrugged, opening his refrigerator and grabbing a beer from the back. "You really shouldn't either. That stuff is bad for you." Sora commented reproachfully, frowning as he twisted the top off and took a drink anyway.
Riku only smiled placidly, kissing his cheek as he returned to his work. "Lighten up, Sora."
"I just don't like when you drink, that's all." Sora curled his fingers into his palm, silently digging his nails into his hand when Riku called him mother-hennish. Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. "Just don't overdo it, okay?"
"Sure." Riku dismissed him, outlining a wide almond-shaped eye on the upper part of the face.
Sora clenched his jaw, concerned but he said nothing more. He trusted Riku. He's always trusted Riku. He's always trusted Riku. Didn't he?
rsrsrsrs
Sora was asleep. Riku found this so fascinating, he just had to cross the room and make sure. His eyes were closed, his breaths shallow. He was curled on his side, his hands peacefully tucked under his chin. Sleeping.
Riku felt himself smile and climbed on the bed, lightly touching his soft hair. It was the first time he had seen him like this in a week. He was breath-taking and so, so vulnerable. My Sora. He could take him right now if he wanted to. Spread his legs, expose his beautiful body. Tear his clothes off and leave him naked. In Riku's opinion, he should be like that all the time. Naked and perfect and waiting to be fucked. Pretty little Sora. Too sexy for his own good.
Sora groaned softly, laying his head to the side, baring his slender neck. Subjecting himself to lustful nipping at his throat. A tongue and a warm mouth on his ear.
"Sora," Riku nearly growled. The little one wasn't awakening. His legs fanned out unconsciously, the pink muscle hidden behind his teeth licking the corner of his mouth. Unconsciously, he opened himself up to Riku, welcoming the wet heat of his mouth that pressed to his crotch through his clothing. Inhaling his masculine scent through the fabric of his pants.
Sora whined, completely unaware that he was close to being ravaged. He awoke violently, eyes wide and staring at nothing, staring through the ceiling. He awoke to Riku eye-level to the vee of his legs, frighteningly aroused by the warmth of his breath.
Riku's eyes were narrowed, their expression dark and strange. Violent. Sora scrambled toward the headboard, kicking Riku's shoulder and narrowly missing his head. He huddled against the metal bars, coiling his body tight to make himself smaller. Inexplicably, Riku was reminded of the warning signs of an aggressive animal; something he had read quite some time ago. The straight stiffness of his back and the way he raised his shoulders defensively. Get the hell away from me, is a good description for what he looked like.
"Sora?" Riku chuckled, crawling toward him anyway. "Come here, baby." He could practically hear his heartbeat thudding in his chest. He couldn't imagine why he would be so terrified.
"It's me, Sora." Riku continued to speak softly, hoping to reassure him. He grabbed Sora's ankle, dragging him forcefully from the headboard to a submissive position underneath him. "Calm down, babe. It was just a bad dream." Riku gently stroked his face, touching his trembling lips.
"Stop." Sora's voice was small, pleading. His hands were open and pushing at his chest but if Riku even realized it, it didn't show. "Riku, please."
"What's wrong?" Shadows swam before Sora's eyes as the man above spoke with concern but his hands failed to show the same emotion. They stroked in a way that was no where near comforting; gripping too hard at his hair and nearly bruising his face. They drifted down his body, giving him unwanted attention, rubbing between his legs so roughly, it almost hurt.
His breath smelled heavily of alcohol which is what riled Sora's instinct's into a frenzy in the first place. Riku wasn't even aware of what he was doing and certainly wasn't aware of the impressive amount of strength he was putting into his actions. Not when he was drunk.
Practically hyperventilating, Sora shoved at his chest even after his arms grew tired, whining as Riku's heavier body descended, his hard muscle unyielding. Sora's arms crumbled uselessly in between them.
"Get. Off." Sora hissed, frantic now, still pushing until Riku backed off a little; though it was apparent that he didn't really hear what he said because he continued to caress the reluctant growing in his lap, beginning to strip the younger man of his pants.
Using this small opening, Sora managed to clamber free, clumsily shoving the older keyblader away. Riku was fast though, grabbing Sora's wrist as he fell off the side of the bed. Sora cried out involuntarily when his arm twisted in the iron grip. "Where are you going?"
Riku watched Sora squirm away from him, tightening his grip on his arm instinctively. He was confused by the panic-stricken look on his face, the painful sounding breaths he was taking. That urge returned, the urge to hold him close and sooth away his fear. What could be scaring him so badly? His dream?
Riku pulled at him, attempting to coax him back on the bed. Sora responded well to embracing and petting. He was so easily comforted. Yet, Riku noticed, he was feeling a very severe pain in his hand and it was Sora. Clawing at his skin like a wolf caught in a bear trap. It wasn't until a familiar light began to form in the brunet's right palm that Riku actually let go.
Sora stumbled to his feet, immediately seeking refuge in the bathroom; the only room with a door and a lock. Riku blinked, rising from the bed hesitantly. He wasn't sure if he should even ask what the hell was going on with him.
Sora nearly attacked him. If he hadn't have thought to let go, Sora would've literally attacked him.
rsrsrsrs
After hours of talking to the bathroom door, of hopelessly trying to convince Sora that he wasn't going to hurt him, Riku gave up, forcing himself to get some sleep. Far as he knew, Sora never came out. Around seven, the sound of the shower running woke him again.
Riku frowned at the dark smears of charcoal on his sheets and pillow. He forgot to wash his hands before getting into bed. Sighing, he began to strip the mattress, barely looking up as the bathroom door opened. Sora's eyes were guarded and downcast as he dried his hair with a towel. Riku made no attempt to approach him and for the moment, that was preferred.
"You okay now?" Riku asked without facing him. He busied himself with the sheets, huffing when realized he was only staining them more. Charcoal was so hard to get out too.
"Yeah." Sora answered curtly. He passed Riku entirely, going straight for the kitchen. He took the orange juice out, drinking from the carton and putting it back. "I gotta go to work." Sora announced, shoving a cigarette between his teeth, cupping his hand to light it. He seemed to grimace at the smell, wrinkling his nose. Yet, he continued to inhale from it as if it didn't bother him.
"Oh," Forgetting about the charcoal, Riku scratched his head, looking at the floor thoughtfully. "Lemme just find my shoes--"
"Don't bother. I'll take my car." Sora deterred his speech, exhaling in the air, his eyes strangely cool and eerily calm. He should be overflowing with energy right now.
"I thought--" Riku began, though he was interrupted again.
"The car's fine. Don't worry about it." The brunet patted his pocket, making sure his keys were in there, afterwards abruptly moving to the door. "See ya."
Riku never got the chance to reply, feeling steamrolled as the door closed in front of him. Guess that was it. Sora was gone again. Riku sighed, picking up his sheets and stuffing them into a laundry bag. At least he knew what to expect. Getting over him shouldn't be nearly as hard this time around.
rsrsrsrs
After the break-up—if one should call it that; technically it was an abandonment—Riku found that he was very compatible with Kairi. She was reasonably pleasant company and never judged him based on what he knew Sora had to be telling her about him. She even had the good grace to warn him when she had said spiky-haired company over, often using the code word "despair", as in "That's not really a good idea. I'm feeling too much despair right now." The word choice was Riku's, of course, as that was pretty much his main emotion at that point in his life. He was surprised she even humored him.
Anyway, every once in while, Riku would go over to do his laundry, mainly because he really didn't trust the basement laundry room at his building. A few kids got assaulted down there, at least that what he heard. Either way, Kairi suggested that he come to her house instead.
Kairi had a pretty stable life compared to the barely controlled chaos of Riku's. She had a husband, Quint, married at 19, had a 2-year-old daughter, Charlot, and was pregnant again. She wasn't terribly big right now, but she was still noticeably round. Only a few months along, Riku guessed.
Kairi sighed loudly, resting her head while slumped over the kitchen table.
"Hey, you're not allowed to be depressed. That's my thing." Riku joked, returning from the laundry room, seating himself in the chair parallel to hers. He laid his head on the table as well so they were eye-level.
"Not depressed. Tired." Kairi kept her eyes closed, unaware that Riku was staring at the back of her eyelids. She was still as beautiful as she had always been, except now she looked less like a little princess and more like a wife and a mother. A grown woman.
Her hair was almost as long as Riku's but it wasn't as bone straight. She seemed to prefer curling it now, in thick wavy ringlets that draped over her shoulders and fell down her back. Her face barely changed though. She was practically the same in that department.
"I can't drink coffee," Kairi complained, beginning to rise from her chair as the microwave timer went off. Riku stood before she could, retrieving the cup for her, dunking a raspberry teabag inside the steaming water. She thanked him, stirring in two spoons of sugar. "I'm in tea hell for the rest of my life. I'm sorry, did you want any?"
"No thanks. Does Quint not believe in condoms? Every time I see you, you're popping out another one." Riku smirked. Kairi snorted, blowing on her tea.
"Shut up. Am not."
Riku felt so much relief at that moment. He couldn't believe how refreshing it was to talk to a normal person. About normal things. He hadn't even realized how much a week of Sora was exhausting him. Finally, someone who didn't just stare at him when he made a joke.
"Where is your demon spawn anyway?"
Kairi pursed her lips, swallowing the tea he knew she wished was a double-shot espresso. "Sleeping."
"At least someone is." Riku muttered, picking the remnants of black charcoal dust out from under his fingernails.
"Mm, Sora told me he was visiting you." She didn't ask aloud, but Riku knew she was wondering if they were finally patching things up.
"Nope. I fucked it up again." He answered bitterly, swiping black shit from the tabletop to the floor. "At least I got a good lay out of it." Riku shrugged, trying to be indifferent but failing to feel indifference. Instead he just felt empty.
Kairi coughed, nearly choking on her tea. Riku laughed good-naturedly, patting her back.
"You alright? It's just sex, Kairi. Nothing you should be unfamiliar with." She shook her head, breathing deeply to regain her voice.
"You had sex?" Kairi asked, sounding worried and incredulous at the same time. Her face, however, said, "Why the hell would you do a stupid thing that?"
"Kinda. Nothing spectacular though." He smiled cynically. "Try not to be too disappointed."
"No. Riku." Kairi paused, her voice more serious than he had ever heard it sound. "Sora's married."
rsrsrsrs
I know this one's kinda short, especially for the long wait, but this is only half of what it was originally going to be. But together, it would be too long, take too long, whatever. SO I split it. All that means is the next one will be up soon, once I finish the end of it.
I decided to tone down the smut just a bit for this chapter only because I realized the last two chapters have been like 1/3 story, 2/3 sex. Not saying the sex wasn't entirely necessary, because I believe it was, I just get a little carried away with the describing... *goofy smile* Anyway there'll definitely be more smut in the future just because I enjoy writing it so much. So never fear. But I'm gonna be working on my story skills as well. Expect longer chapters. - bouncy